by R. D Rhodes
-“OH, COME ON PEOPLE, IT CAN’T BE THAT BAD!! I SAID HOW IS EVERYONE FEELING TODAY?!”
“Fine.” “Fine.”“Alright.” “Fine.” A few caveman-like grunts responded. The guy to my left copied the girl in biting his nails. I could hear the crunch right in my ear.
“SEE! THAT’S BETTER! POS-IT-TIVITY. NOW, WE HAVE A NEW PATIENT WITH US TODAY, SO LET’S MAKE HER FEEL REEAALLY WEL-COME.” Cindy tilted her head in my direction and her glue-tight idiots smile tried to encourage me, “Would you like to introduce yourself, sweet-pea?”
Fucking sweet-pea? I glanced at the others to see if anyone really cared who I was or what I was doing there, but even the guy with the twitch was now staring at the floor through his one good and one blinking eye, buried in his own little world. Lost in his own set of troubles.
“I’m Aisha.” I said, not expecting a response. But to my slight surprise they did, “Hullo, Aisha,” the Neanderthal grunts echoed in monotone unison. Still nobody raised their head.
“THANKS, AISHA!! WHAT A LOVE-LY NAME! AYEE-SHA!! ISNT THAT A LOVE-LY NAME, EVERYONE?” Cindy lilted.
“Yes.” “Uh-huh.” “Yes.” “M-Hm.”
Maybe if she wasn’t so patronizing then people might respond to her.
As if she had read my mind her head snapped back to face me, but instead, she proceeded to speak slower than ever, deliberately placing emphasis on each vowel like I was two years old, “My name is Loose-Sin-da, but you can call me Sin-dee. And I’m a psy-co-thera-pist.”
Jesus.
“NOW,” she rang her voice back out, her enthusiasm rising higher than ever, “WE ARE ALL GOING TO TALK ABOUT HOW WE ARE FEELING TODAY! AND I DON’T MEAN GEN-ERALLY, BUT HOW YOU ALL REALLY FEEL!! THIS IS YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO GET ALL YOUR ANGER AND SADNESS AND ANY PROBLEM YOU MAY HAVE OFF OF YOUR CHEST. AISHA, WHY DON’T YOU START US OFF, SWEET-PEA?”
Her grin got wider and wider until I thought she might burst. She was in a real state of excitement and it didn’t look like she could contain it. It didn’t look like she had an original thought in her head. She didn’t seem all there. What the hell is she doing trying to fix us? I thought. Is that what she is here to do?
She kept looking at me through her glasses and I didn’t know what to say. Could I trust her? Could she really help? I had a lot I wanted to ask about, starting with the medication and the assault I’d had forced upon me. But I waited. I decided to see what the others had to say first.
She kept grinning those pale, grey teeth.
I shook my head.
“Are you sure? Nothing at all? We’re all friends here, sweetie.”
“No.”
“Oh! Hm, okay. That’s fine. That’s fine. Now, maybe you’ll have something to add later then?! Since it’s your first day we’ll let someone else go first. Now, um- DEAN? CAN YOU GET US STARTED OFF?!”
With apparent great effort, a forty-something man with straggly hair raised his head and looked back at her sorrowfully. He was stocky more than fat, and it had maybe been due to losing weight in the past, but he had a thick layer of loose skin that dangled from his cheeks and chin and made him look like a German shepherd dog. That loose skin seemed to weigh down every feature on the rest of his face, upturning the corners of his lips into a perpetual frown, dragging his eyes downwards, and curling his eyebrows in.
He looked back at her. Then he drew back his shoulders and sighed deeply, the air shooting out his nose like a whoopee cushion being deflated.
Cindy’s enthusiastic eyes returned his weary, pleading, leave me alone stare. Her brows were raised to the roof as she kept smiling that same encouraging smile.
Seeing that she wouldn’t let him off, Dean again drew back his brawny shoulders. Sucking in deeply, looking like he was preparing to climb the last hundred meters of Everest, he replied, without a hint of passion, “I’m feelin,.. good.”
Cindy nodded vigorously several times, reminding me of Ed, one of the hyenas in the Lion King. “And what have you been doing lately? Have you been doing any more of your painting?”
He didn’t answer, just hunched over a bit more and clasped his hands. It didn’t seem to discern her though, and she kept waiting… and waiting…
The radiator gurgled. I felt my eyelids pulling down. It’s so hot, I thought. They must be on full blast.
I looked back at the young girl who was still chewing her nails. The pale light from the window behind her was shining on the back of her head, lighting up her hairline like a faded halo. I gazed out at the unkempt allotment and at the derelict, triangular building and I thought about how much everything had gone to pot in this place. Why couldn’t we be out there, working in that garden- planting trees, pruning shrubs, growing vegetables, just doing anything?
My eyelids dropped again, and I forced my head up and tried to focus on the ceiling’s intricate cornices. They must have taken ages to make. What about that paneling? Where did they get the wood from? How many trees would it have taken for that one wall alone?
“JOHN!”
I almost jumped off my seat.
“WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU FEELING ANY BETTER THAN YOU DID LAST WEEK?”
The guy with the twitch lowered his eyes to the floor. He seemed ashamed, like a naughty kid caught doing something wrong and being forced to confess. His left eye kept blinking open and shut. Some sort of a nervous thing or maybe he’d had brain damage.
“I’m fine.” he said.
“Yes. Go on…And?” she coaxed.
But that was all she got.
A trace of frustration set into her eyes. Nobody seemed keen to talk, but no much wonder. I felt a strong pang of empathy for the group. I wanted to help them, but what could I do?
“Nothing more to say, John?”
….
She sighed, “RIGHT! Let’s move on then- NINA! How are you?”
The young girl had the look of a deer caught in the headlights. She stared back at Cindy, wild-eyed, then dropped her gaze to the floor, retreating back behind the shelter of her hair.
“F-f-fine. I’m fine.” She said quietly.
“Have you been listening to your music?”
“Yes.”
“And what were you listening to today?”
The young girl began to jitter. Her hands moved spasmodically about her body. A single tear ran down her cheek and sat on the bottom of her chin, ready to drop.
“Have you had any dreams lately, Nina? How have you been sleeping?”
Another tear dripped off her nose, then another and another, and she buried her face in her hands. “Not good.” She squeaked.
“And why not good?” Cindy pushed. “What did you dream about- was it what the man did again?”
Nina arched her back and sat upright, keeping her face covered as she wept silently. In the window's light, I could see black strands of her hair floating from her head to the ground like she was a tree shedding leaves. The silence in the room was terrible.
“It’s okay Nina. Was it the man again?”
Her whimpers grew louder, until suddenly a high-pitched animal sound wailed out from her throat. She sniffed and choked. The top of her head nodded.
I was about to say something, but this idiot looked genuinely concerned, and like she was trying to help- and I didn’t want to just jump in.
“Do you want to talk about it, darling?”
“It’s okay, Nina. We’re all here for you. It’s good to talk about it.”
The jolts through her back and shoulders were getting worse.
“Come on. We’re not getting a lot done today class. Talking helps. It will help you all.”
Cindy sighed. Her eyes admitted the defeat. A sad look wavered, but it disappeared quickly. She skipped the next few patients and addressed the guy on my left, still biting his nails.
“Come on, Sandy, you’re not usually shy. What do you have to say?”
He looked absolutely knackered, his bloodshot eyes showing several days' lack of sleep. But there was a hint of calculatio
n and intelligence in his pupils, a semblance of life that seemed to be lacking in the others. He was around fortyish, wearing a red checked shirt and baggy jeans, and had a big bald patch like a forest clearing in the middle of his chunky head.
“Why can ah no long-ger git day release?” he replied in a soft Yorkshire accent, so directly it made me sit up.
“Now, come on now, Sandy. You know why. You remember what happened last time.”
I looked at him with added interest. But I seemed to be the only one- Nina was still sniffling, covering her face, all other eyes were still focused on the floor, looking more deadened than ever.
“Yeah, allrigheet. Granted. But that t’were one-off. One strike and yer out dunt seem fair. I just want t’nother chance.”
Another chink of her enthusiasm died. “Okay” she said, “Well for matters like that, you know that it’s Hazel you need to talk to.”
“But she’s too busy. And I want t’ talk t’ you bout’ it. You said any problem we ad, well this is ma prob-lim.”
Her eyes glassed over again. She crossed her legs and sat further back in her chair. She rubbed one of the bangles on her right wrist. “I’m sorry, but you know I can’t help. There’s nothing I can do. It is not in my hands. Look, is there anything else you can talk about? How’s your anxiety?”
“But he wants to talk about tha-” I piped in, but she spun on me,
“You’ve had your turn to talk, honey, and will get another chance in a minute. It is Sandy’s time now.”
Sandy’s lidded eyes beheld me in an expression I couldn’t read. This whole class is pointless, I thought. Maybe the rest of the group know it too?
“How is your anxiety? Is it any better?”
“Yeah, it’s better.” He said softly. “Them new meds ave elped.”
“Great! And are you sleeping better?”
“Aye.”
“GREAT! GOOD STUFF!” She leapt on the tiny glimpse of positivity, “I’M REALLY GLAD TO HEAR THAT!”
Sandy nodded very slowly. Then his pupils flicked around nervously. He breathed in deep. “Lucinda?” he inquired.
“Yes?”
He suddenly leaned forward “I’m dying t’ get out, just for bit of air. Even ten minutes would do me good. Could you see if we all could do somethin’- I mean there’s t’ garden right outside that windaw, all that space gone t’ waste, and me am desperate. Sometimes I reckon this place is make-in us worse, not better, so-”
Cindy’s face froze. Her body too, went rigid. “Do you mean that?” she snapped.
Sandy realized he’d gone too far. His mouth was still open from his volley of words, and as his eyes met the anger in hers, it slowly closed itself again.
“No. I don’t. Sorry. I don’t mean that. I didn’t.”
“Well, you better not. I really hope not. You have been told why on numerous occasions why you can’t get outside. Now, do you have anything to say apart from moaning about what you don’t have?”
But Sandy had backed right down. He didn’t dare to look at her.
“No, I doan’t have nuthin t’ say.” he almost whispered to the floor.
Cindy nudged her glasses to the bridge of her nose. She roughly rubbed her bangles and looked angrily at the group. “I’m really disappointed by the lack of cooperation today. And Sandy, that comment in particular was especially ignorant and, unnecessary. As I said a few weeks ago, I went to India last month. And some of the people there have absolutely nothing.” She almost spat the last word out. “No food. No clothes. No toilets. No clean water. People are dying of cholera. They can’t afford simple operations that will fix their kids' eyes from cataracts, and that will stop them from going blind. They’re absolutely desperate for hospitals and treatment. Each of you has all of this! And it’s all free! You really don’t know how lucky you are. You really don’t...” she went on, ..“There are so many people in the world much worse off than you are.”
She kept shaking her head, looking at us like we’d let her down.
She turned to me.
“Aisha, you had something to say?”
“No.” I said. “I did, but I don’t now.”
“What do you mean by that?”
I looked towards the window.
“Well?”
Chapter 13
T he cool air in the corridor refreshed me. Dale- a Pete Townsend lookalike in his forties- stopped and took out his keys before the buffer zone doors. We all got inside and I listened for an instruction on what we were next to do, but the rest of the group disappeared into their rooms, so I assumed we had some free time until the next orders were announced. I opened my door and stepped inside.
I sat for ten minutes, but I was surprised I felt restless rather than tired. It must have been nerves. I couldn’t stay in there. I got up and paced down the corridor, past the other rooms and the nurse’s station, where Sanders and Kev were at the desk filling out paperwork, and I went into the common room.
Only a few people were scattered in front of the telly. A couple of female nurses were in the front row, filling out papers and glancing up at some antique bargains show. And then I saw her- Nina’s hair and waif figure- at that moment rising up and picking up her seat. She swung it onto her shoulder, taking little steps towards the back of the room, where she placed it down before the window and sat.
Nobody else seemed to notice her. I had another look then picked up another chair. I drew up cautiously at her right side, but her big brown eyes didn’t even blink.
“Hey! Can I sit here?” I asked, in as friendly a voice as I could.
Her thin, little arms were spread out on the armrests and she was slouched on the bottom of her spine, staring out the window fixatedly. “Yes.” She almost whispered.
I put the chair down. The only trace of her tears were slightly reddened streaks on her high cheekbones. She was no longer shaking, and was a lot calmer than she had been in the group. I followed her distant gaze to the overcast sky.
And there I waited, watching the sky and watching her. She looked even younger from up close.
“What are you looking at?” I asked in a low tone.
I thought maybe she hadn’t heard me, when she nodded her head forwards and gave a little squeak. I had to strain my ears and read her lips, and even then it took a few seconds to register,
“That’s where I’m going.”
I looked at her, then to the clouds again. “Where?”
“Out there. One day I’m going to fly away from everything.”
I felt my heart sink. She went on staring out, not taking any interest in the world around her that she was forced to inhabit. The nails on both her hands were all chewed to the quick. Her big eyes were shining like lights illuminating deep wells, soaking up whatever they could of the vision she was focusing upon. Whatever it was, seemed to be keeping her sane. Maybe some hope that at another time or another place life wasn’t so shit. Some bastard had really fucked her up.
“Where you going to fly to?” I asked. The words caught in my throat and I needed a second attempt to get them out.
Her face remained completely impassive. Finally, she replied, “Anywhere… Up there with the angels. That’s where I’ll go.”
I sat with her for another ten minutes or so. The thick cloud cover rolled along ever so slowly. The nurses chattering and the TV bargain hunters making the only noises. Everything seemed dreary and hollow. I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my hands and then my feet started too. She kept staring out of that window and I couldn’t stay there any longer. I got up, one of the nurses smiled at me as I walked past her and then the rest of the patients and headed down the corridor. But Jean was inside my room, sweeping and dusting. I spun back and paced the hall again. I didn’t know where to look. What to do. I went back into the common room and sat down a few rows from the front, bouncing my toes as the lunchtime news came on.
“BONG!” the tower clock thundered above the dramatic music. There had been something called a DOUBLE DI
P RECESSION and we were all supposed to be very worried about it. The newsman sat before us, staring hard through the screen, glaring devilish eyes at every person in the room and threatening us with market crashes, and pension crisis, and higher interest rates, but really telling us “THIS IS IMPORTANT SO PAY ATTENTION! YOU NEED A FUNCTIONING AND STABLE ECONOMY TO SURVIVE. WITHOUT US TO SORT THIS OUT FOR YOU-YOU ARE ALL FUCKED!!”
I glanced about me. The other patients were just sitting there, barely twitching.
“It’s not good, is it?” one of the two nurses on the front row said in a high-pitched alarm.
“No. I really hope there are no more cuts. We can’t cope with any more.” The other replied.
The first speaker looked back, her eyes seemed to dismiss me, but she lowered her voice slightly anyway, “Seventeen nurses down to nine in the space of two years.”
“I know. We can’t afford to lose anyone else. Any higher doses and we’ll end up-..” the second woman promptly shut up, following the first’s nod towards me. She turned back to her. “You know. Thirty patients to nine staff! What kind of ratio is that?”
“I’m knackered, Sheila. It’s never been as bad as it is now.”
“I know. I know. You go home shattered and you just can’t switch off. It’s constant. I finish at seven, get tea, and am in bed for ten. My daughter is telling me to quit, keeps telling me the stress is going to kill me. I can’t though, I’ve a mortgage to pay.”
“It’s not enough, what we get for what we do. Feed our kids, clothe them, pay the TV license and the phone line and internet, and all the bills. The gas and electric keeps going up, the petrol’s going up, the rent. You can’t do all that on twenty-five grand a year.”
“I know, it’s impossible! I’m thinking of cancelling Florida, just can’t afford it anymore.”
“But you’ve been wanting to go for ages!”
“I know. I shouldn’t have got that laptop for my Katie’s birthday. And Aaron wouldn’t stop whining till he got his Ipad. I don’t know what to do.”
“We’re not going to last long if it stays like this and the inspector comes again. Liz was saying there’s one due next week.”