And where is this overwhelming sadness and this crushing emptiness coming from?
And most of all, why am I crying?
Chapter Nineteen
Adam
When the sun streams into the Student Center, I wake up to find a bigger crowd. Students file in and file out, shouting to each other across the room. I now have a couch mate, a red-haired girl who’s so focused on the book in her hands, she doesn’t notice me standing up. I stretch, releasing the tightness from muscles and yawn.
And that’s when I see her.
Time stops, my heart stops, and the melody begins.
The same blonde hair, same beautiful smile. The way she walks in, there’s no mistaking it’s her. My breath catches as I watch the way she turns her head, the way she adjusts the backpack over her shoulder, the way she glides through doors like the sunshine on the lake. She walks with another girl who’s talking, keeping Sage’s face away from mine. Sage pulls off her mittens and stuffs them into her coat pockets and for the briefest of moments, I see her cheeks, pink from the cold, and her eyes sparkling in the morning light.
Look at me, Sage. Remember me. Please, remember me.
Please.
My heartrate quickens as her eyes dart in my direction. All too soon, I lose my nerve, dropping into the couch and shifting as deep into the pillows as I can. I look down and close my eyes.
I want her to see me. I want her to be mine again. But I’m not sure I can bear her seeing me and not remembering, or even worse seeing me and remembering everything.
I can’t put her at risk again. I repeat the mantra over and over. Do not put her at risk again. When I feel it’s safe enough, I open my eyes.
She’s gone.
I hate you Zane, for bringing me here, and for making me hurt so much. I hate you for reminding me of everything I’ve lost and everything I’ll never have again. Something taps from behind me and I glance up, looking up to see Zane’s face pressed against the window.
I clench my fists as I head for the door. I’m about to become an only child.
Chapter Twenty
Sage
“Lucas.” His name is on my lips when I wake up. It’s in my head as I get dressed. It’s screaming in my ears as Kat drives us to campus. It can’t be him, can it?
“You’re quiet this morning?” she says. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah, just tired.” I yawn. It’s not a lie. I had stayed up half the night and going back to sleep after the dream had been impossible. Instead I had laid there in the dark, my mind wandering through the dream. Lucas…Lucas was there.
He’s not the blue-eyed boy of the dream. Not the one that sends my heart racing through my chest. But he’s there, laughing, smiling. He’s on that beach. I’ve been on that beach.
It’s crazy, but I know that. With every fiber of my being, I know that I’ve been there. I can feel the sand between my toes, taste the lake air, hear the roar of the waves. I know every inch of the shoreline as if I’d seen it a million times. I know what the cabins look like in the summer and in the winter and how the lake roars in the fall.
I know. I know. I know.
I don’t know how I know. I’ve never stepped a toe into Michigan. But I know.
“Sage,” Kat asks again. I glance at her. She has her eyebrows raised questioningly, “Late night with Lucas?”
“No, Kat. We’re just friends. We played Mario Kart, that’s all.”
“Sure.” She winks at me. “You’re way too tired to have been playing video games all night.” She pulls the car into a parking spot and grabs her bag. She winks. “We could grab coffee before class, and you can tell me all about it.”
“We can get coffee, but really, there’s nothing between Lucas and I.”
“Hold that thought.” she says. “It’s freezing. Let’s get inside.” We pick up the pace through the parking lot until we reach the student center. I take a deep breath into the warm air as the doors closed behind us. “How long till winter’s over?”
“I think a few more months,” I laugh. “Wanna come to Arizona for spring break?” Kat lives a few hours south in Minneapolis, which isn’t much warmer.
“That would be great. Fun, let’s plan that, okay? Arizona in early March sounds fabulous. Maybe I can bring Matt too…and you can ask Lucas. Do you think it’s too late to get plane tickets?”
“No to the tickets. And no to Lucas too.”
“Why? He’s perfect for you. He’s so sweet. And wouldn’t that make your old boyfriend seethe with jealousy when you show up in town with your new guy.”
“I broke up with him, Kat. That’s mean. I’m not going to do that to him. Not that it matters—Lucas and I are friends. He’s still hung up on his girlfriend back in Star Harbor.” And I’m hung up on a guy I’ve never seen.
“Fine, I still think you’d be good together. Maybe you should show him why?”
“Kat.” I roll my eyes on her. “I know you care, but really. We’re friends.” Kat shakes her head and I pull off my mittens, sliding them into my pockets. And that’s when it hits me. My way to Star Harbor. I had said as much to him last night. I could help Lucas make his girlfriend jealous—if he’s going home for spring break. I could really be his fake girlfriend…nah. Could it work? Would I be using him as a way to Star Harbor?
Because I need to get to Star Harbor.
I’m still rolling the idea through my head, when electricity sizzles through me. Something…someone. I feel it. Like I’m being pulled by a magnet I can’t see. I sweep my eyes around the student center, but there’s nothing. Nobody.
“Sage.” Kat’s looking at me, her brow raised. Maybe I should’ve just said I’m down about Lucas or something. Because she’s looking at me like I’ve growing horns.
“Sorry. I’m okay.” And I was. The feeling disappears as we pass through the hallway, the chatter from the student center fading behind us.
* * *
I yawn through most of my classes. Between the lack of sleep, the raging headache, and the dream I can’t get out of my head, I decide to skip Bio and find a corner in the student center until Kat gets done. I could take the bus home, but I’m not sure I want to deal with that right now. Besides, maybe I’ll feel better.
I run into Lucas before I even get out of the hallway.
“Sage.” He waves at me. As he gets closer, he frowns. “Are you okay?” His eyes scan my face, his forehead wrinkled with concern.
I rub my temple. “Yeah, just a pounding headache.” I try to look up at him, but the bright lights blaring off the ceiling are making it worse. I press my hand to my forehead shading my eyes. “Ouch.”
“Do you want some aspirin?”
“Why? Do you want have some?” I rub my temple again. God, my head is hurting. It’s like a hangover where I didn’t drink. I’ve spent so many nights staying up late studying, but it’s never resulted in a headache like this.
“No but go find a couch in the student center. I’ll bring you some.” I feel a twinge of guilt at interrupting his day, but I don’t have the strength to fight him. My head hurts so freaking bad.
When Lucas finds me a little while later sprawled out on one of the corner couches, he hands me a water bottle and a packet of aspirin from the student store. “Lucas,” I say, sitting up. “You didn’t have to do this.”
“No,” he says. “But I would’ve felt responsible if I didn’t. I was the one who kept you up so late. Mario Kart hangover?” He wiggles his eyebrows.
“You make me want to laugh, but it hurts too much.” I tear open the aspirin packet and down the pills with water. I fall back on the couch and cover my eyes with my arm. “Ugh, if I didn’t know better, I would think it is a hangover.”
“Nah,” he says. “Hangovers are much worse.”
“Do you have a lot of experience?” I squint at him from beneath my elbow.
“Have you met Matt?”
“Do not make me laugh.” I hold my stomach. “Please. And go, get to your next cla
ss. You’ve been helpful enough.” I turn my head further into the couch. The noise in the student center is pounding painful beats into my skull.
Lucas grows serious. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay? Because I could stay—”
“No,” I interrupt. “The aspirin should kick in soon and then I can make my next class. If not, I’ll see if Kat can run me home. It’s all good. Just go. I need silence.”
“Okay.” He stands up, still eyeing me cautiously. “I hope you feel better.” He glances around the student center. “Are you sure you’ll get a lot of silence here?”
I peek up at him. “Just go,” I moan miserably.
He looks tempted to argue, but I glare at him. “Okay, okay. I’ll call you later and see how you are.”
“That’s sweet of you.” I mumble into the pillow. I’m not entirely sure he heard it though, but as he gets up to leave, I find myself turning my head. “Lucas?”
He stops. “Yeah?”
“When you grew up playing with your friend on that beach of yours, was there ever a girl that hung out with you and your friend?” The light overhead is blaring, and I squint. He’s a shadow over me so I can’t tell if he’s more surprised or confused by question. Maybe both.
“Yeah, there was. Her name is Zoey. She used to drive Adam crazy—I think she still does. Why do you ask?”
“No reason. Just wondering.” I turn back into the couch cushion, hoping to hide the truth in my eyes. But it’s kind of stupid. I’m not even sure what the truth is—I remember him and another boy on a beach I’ve never been to. Maybe me and this Zoey girl have some kind of weird connection or something. Maybe I’m dreaming her dreams. I roll over to face Lucas and cover my eyes with my arm. “Maybe it’s this headache.”
“I hope you feel better.” I hear him say. When I lift my arm again, he’s gone.
.
Chapter Twenty-One
Adam
“You—you—” I sputter at Zane just outside the student center door. A few students slow down glancing curiously at our heated discussion. Most of them stream by, in too much of a hurry to get out of the cold. “I’m going to rip every limb off your body.” A girl pauses, her mouth open. Oh crap, I hadn’t meant to scare her.
“We’re brothers,” Zane explains to her. “Just brothers. Sibling rivalry and all that crap.” She nods as if that makes sense, but her pace quickens, and she casts a nervous glance back before disappearing into the student center. Zane turns back to me “Anger issues, little brother? You should really get that checked out.”
“You left me here. Where it’s freaking cold and…?”
He smirks. “Just trying to thaw that frozen heart of yours. Knock some sense to your head. Kill that holier-than-thou-sacrificial thing you got going on.”
“My heart’s not frozen.” I look away from him. “How can something freeze that doesn’t even exist? And how is it holier-than-thou to want to someone to be happy no matter what?”
“You’re really wearing me out. All this moping and angst and anger thing you’ve got going on.” He sighs. “I told you I’d come back and I did. Now get on with it. We need to go find the next ring.”
“What did you find out from this one?”
“Nothing you’d care about. Except it belonged to Zarek and he was one boring guy.” His voice hitches on the last few words, and I suspect there’s more to it. Something he’s not telling me. But I’m too cold, too tired, and too numb to ask. I just want to get out of here.
“What’s next?”
“Benji,” he says weakly, his eyes filling with pain. “We go find Benji’s.”
* * *
Later, that morning we’re standing at a trailer park in front of an empty lot. Zane insisted on taking a break for breakfast and I needed coffee, but now we’re here. Zane stands unmoving. His eyes haunted by ghosts I do not know nor honestly care about.
Every time I think I have the guy figured out; he reminds me of why I hate him so much. I’m angry, like ready to explode angry. He’s keeping secrets and playing with my feelings like I’m a frisbee. So, I don’t care about his pain—he doesn’t care about mine. I don’t want to know why he’s so flipping sad about this place. I open my mouth ready to ask him we’re going to stand out here all day, when he lets out a long sigh and steps forward into the gravel, surveying the ground beneath him.
“This is Benji’s old place,” he says as if he’s answering a question I didn’t ask. “It’s the last place I saw him. Testing my little theory again, since it worked with Zarek.” He walks in circles, moving dead brush aside. His stops and looks off in the distance again. Something softens in my heart cracking the shell of anger.
Damn him.
“I don’t understand.” I glance around. “Did he live outside?”
“No, you moron. He lived in a blue doublewide, with gnomes and shit out front. I lived here too, after I left you.” His words are bitter, and my heart hardens back up.
“Nice place,” I say sarcastically, taking in the trailers around us. A curtain flutters next door. “I imagine this place is full of drug dealers and criminals. Was Benj—?”
“Shut up.”
“Well, it explains you,” I continue.
“Shut up. You have no idea what you’re talking about. Benji was three times the guy Laris ever was. It’s a stereotype that trailer parks are full of criminals. One of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever known lives right over there.” He gestures to the trailer where I saw the curtain flutter. It’s light blue, with a hanging plant at the door and a bronzed butterfly hanging between the two front windows. The curtain flutters again.
“Uh, Zane. Is that nice old lady watching us by chance?”
“Probably,” Zane says as he begins to scan the ground again.
“Oh—”
“Zane,” a voice bellows from the porch. A short, plump woman waddles from the house, heading straight for Zane. She passes by, nearly toppling over me until she reaches Zane, pulling him into a big hug. When she releases him, she kisses his cheeks and squeezes face. “You sweet boy,” she says. Sweet? Really?
“Hi Rosa.” Zane grins. “You’re prettier every time I see you.”
Rosa laughs, her whole body shaking as she pats Zane on the arm. “Still the same old boy who knows how to flatter an old lady. It’s so good to see you. It’s been a long, long time. I’m…” Her smile droops and her eyes shine with sympathy.
“It’s okay, Rosa,” Zane says softly. “I’m sorry too. I know how much he meant to you. I should come by more and check up on you. Benji would be disappointed in me.”
“He loved you, boy. You know that right. He loved you like his own son.”
Zane smiles wistfully. “Why haven’t they moved in a new trailer. It’s been two years since Benji died. I thought you’d have a new neighbor by now.”
“Nobody wants a new neighbor on this street,” Rosa says. “Everyone loved Benji. There’s been a little rumor going around that the lot is cursed.” Rosa winks, her cheeks red.
“Whoa, Rosa. I never knew you to be the lying type.”
“It’s just a rumor, Zane. I don’t know nothing about who started it.” She winks again. And then, like she just realized they weren’t alone, she turns to me. “Who are you?”
“This is my little brother.” Zane fills in before I can respond. “I wanted to show him where I grew up.”
“Well, Zane’s little brother. It’s nice to meet you.” I hold my hand out expecting her to shake it, but instead she pulls me into a bear hug, smooshing me to her chest, crushing the air in my lungs. “Any brother of Zane’s is like a son to Benji. And Benji’s sons are family to me.” She squeezes even tighter. When she finally releases me, I suck in air like I’ve just run a marathon.
“Ah, Rosa. You’re such a sweetheart.” There’s no snark in his voice. It’s funny. Zane. Sometimes he seems like he cares about nothing but himself, but there are glimpses of someone else. Somebody capable of love and grief. The big brother
who poured my cereal. The adoptive father as he talks about Benji. He gives her another hug.
“You have to come have some tea.” She pulls free and gestures for us both to come with her. “Okay. Tea and we can catch up?”
“Of course, Rosa. Let me just have a minute with my brother and we’ll be right over there. I’ve been telling him all about Benji.”
Her eyes soften. “Of course, sweetheart. Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting.”
We watch her cross the street, her short legs moving as fast as they can, her long gray braids bouncing off her back. There’s a sweet, grandmotherly vibe to her—one that sends a slice of jealousy through me. As far as I know, the only grandparents I have are on another planet. Rosa takes the steps slowly, carefully and waves at us from the top of the porch. The moment her front door shuts, Zane grabs my arm and suddenly we are spinning through blue light. When we come too, we’re on the side of a road. A familiar road. The road in Arizona where Sage and I—
“What the—" I turn around glaring at him.
“I had to get us out of there before Rosa started asking too many questions.”
“And this is the first place you could think of?” I growl. “You know where we are, don’t you?”
He smirks, “Maybe.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing. Every time I start to actually like you, you go and screw it up.” I turn and walk away, taking long strides along the side of the desert. I’m really not sure where I’m going to go. This highway is pretty desolate.
“Hey.” He rushes after me, breathless when he finally reaches me. “I really didn’t mean to upset you by coming here. I just needed to get out of there before Rosa started asking questions.”
“Like what kind of questions? She seems like a sweet old lady.”
Remember the Knight Page 13