I’m seeing inside him. The boy with the blue eyes.
The memories come like waves. Mostly his, but other ones too. Memories I don’t even know or understand. They shake from the inside out and when I finally emerge, when I finally can breathe, I’m lying on the beach, my body cold on the outside, yet a fire raging on the inside.
I shiver and look up at the sky, the thick gray clouds drifting above me.
I’m overwhelmed by it all. A world without my dad and Stella but with Adam’s love. A world with my dad and Stella but without Adam’s love.
Why can’t I have both?
Why didn't he come to see me…in Phoenix…at college? Why did he come and just leave? Why? How can he look at me with so much hatred when he once looked at me with so much love?
I close my eyes, wondering if I lie here too long, will I ever get up again. I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything.
Chapter Forty-Two
Adam
When I reach the main road, I debate—left into town or right to go back to my home. I choose left. I push the truck as fast it can go, praying over and over again that she hasn’t put it on yet. Please be out with Lucas or doing something…anything that doesn’t involve that stupid ring. Hopefully, she thinks Zane is a lunatic and the ring is sitting somewhere in a trash can.
I slow down when I hit the heart of downtown, looking for Lucas’ car, but I have no luck. So, I continue on to his house, where his car is not in the driveway.
His mom answers the door, wiping her hands on her apron when she sees me. “Hey Adam. I’m sorry, but Lucas isn’t here. I think he may be headed for your house—he was talking about taking Sage out there again. Something about how much she loves the lake.” She shakes her head. “You probably passed—”
“Thanks.” I call out to her as I sprint back down the driveway to the truck. I’m roaring out of the driveway before she even closes the door.
Once again, I push the truck as fast as possible back down the main road. I have to get to her. I have to stop her. I have to—
My heart sinks when I see Lucas’ car in the driveway. I jump out of the cab, not even stopping to remove the keys from the ignition. I take the steps up the stairs—two at a time.
“Where is she?” I cry before I’ve even stepped inside. “Where is she?” Lucas and my mom are sitting at the counter.
“Adam?” Mom asks. “What’s going on? Why are you screaming?”
“Where is she?” I demand scanning the room. “Is she in the bathroom? Is she—?” I couldn’t think of anywhere else she could be.
Well, except for…
“If you’re talking about Sage, she took a walk. She wanted to get pictures,” Lucas says. I don’t wait for what else he has to say. Instead, I’m out the door, flying down the steps.
“Adam,” Lucas calls after me. “Adam, stop. What are you doing? She’s nice and she doesn’t deserve you acting like such a jerk when you don’t even know her.”
I glance back long enough to holler. “But I do know her.”
And I know. I know where she is. Which means…which means.
She knows. God dammit, Zane.
Why?
I run the beach in record time, and jump over the rocks, like they’re pebbles. And she’s there on the other side standing as if she expected me. Her arms are crossed, and her glare could melt ice.
“Two years,” she screams. “Two years. And you didn’t come. You just left me. You didn’t come.”
She drops onto the beach and her face falls into her hands.
“Why did you stop loving me?”
Chapter Forty-Three
Sage
The anger fades into tears and I can feel him watching me, like I’m a scared puppy and he’s unsure of what to do. I’m a tumbleweed of emotions—pain, heartbreak, emptiness. This boy just inches away from me was once my entire world. I couldn’t even breathe without him. He was my everything.
And he took it away.
He took it all away. And he never came. He never came to find me. He left me to meet Hunter and Lucas and…oh my God, Lucas. Lucas is dead. But he isn’t. He’s…
I look up at him. He stands on the edge of the water, shifting from foot to foot. Suddenly it evokes another memory—from when he first told me he wasn’t completely human. It’s funny now, and my tears turn into laughter. Loud, belly-shaking laughter. I turn my gaze from him. “God, you must think I’m crazy.”
“No,” he whispers. “You’re not crazy. Look, Sage I’m—”
“Stop.” I push myself up to my feet and hold out my hand. “Please do not tell me you’re sorry or some ridiculous platitude or anything that involves—well anything. I don’t want to hear your explanations or reasons or—” I start pacing the beach running my fingers through my hair. I glance over at him to find him watching me, his face a mixture of fear and pain, and I stop. “I’ve got a question and I need you to answer it.”
“Anything,” he says calmly, looking down and shifting a pebble with his foot. He looks up at me, and his eyes are shiny—like he wants to cry but can’t. I want to feel sorry for him, but I’m not sure I can.
“Why did you leave me? Why? Why did I have to come here and find out all of this by myself. Why? Why? Why?—wait, don’t answer. I found it all on this stupid ring.” I pull it off my finger and throw it at him. He doesn’t flinch.
“Sage.” He takes a step closer.
“I’ve got two lives in my brain. Everything I believed to be true that isn’t. Everything that wasn’t that’s now true. A sister who never was. A dad who should be dead. A mom who is so unrecognizable there should be two of them. And then there’s you…”
I point at him.
“You who I am so freaking confused about right now. Do I love you? Do I hate you? Do I slap you? Do I…”
I step forward, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him down to me.
And I kiss him.
Chapter Forty-Four
Adam
She tastes like everything I remember. And something I don’t. She’s the tears of the old Sage and the joy of the new. She’s the stormy lake and the Arizona smile. And she’s everything I’ve been missing for far too long.
She pulls away far too soon, leaving my warm lips to freeze in the wind. The rest of me freezes with them. Like the ice on the steps before they’ve been salted and the windshield of the truck before the car warms it up.
Like the coldest of winters.
Like my heart’s been for the past two years—stuck between the pain and the guilt. Now she’s here, just a breath away. Her eyes on mine, knowing and remembering every moment. I’ve wanted this so much for so long.
I open my mouth, but no words come out. She’s expecting something, anything. She wants the answers I don’t have to give her.
Yes, I love her. I never stopped loving her. Can’t she see that? Didn’t the ring show her that?
She steps back from me, her eyes clouding with confusion and loss. Her fingers touch her lips and she breaks her gaze from mine. She gazes to the water drifting out to the horizon, and I study her profile.
She’s still beautiful and my heart pounds in my chest as I watch her. She’s still everything I remember, broken or unbroken.
She’s Sage.
She turns back to me, her eyes watery, her lips trembling.
I step closer. My heart breaks in thousands of pieces at the sadness on her face and I just want to wipe it away, but I don’t know how. “I’m sorry,” I finally say. “I’m sorry, I never came for you. It’s not that I didn’t want to. Believe me, not a day goes by that I haven’t thought about you. That I haven’t wanted to get on a plane or in a car. To drive to Arizona. To tell you how much I love you and need you.”
“But you didn’t.” she looks at me. “You didn’t come.”
“I—I was scared. How could I explain all of this without you thinking I need help or something? Or that I wasn’t a stalker?”
“Hmpf,” she say
s, glancing back at the lake. “I actually would have believed you. You know, I dreamt of you.”
“Sage, I didn’t know that. And even if I did, I was ultimately trying to protect you.”
“Protect me from what?”
“All the pain, all the times I had to leave you, all the tears you cried, all the times Mark or whichever of your mother’s latest boyfriends hurt you, your father dying, you dying….I was trying to protect you. To save you. I thought—”
“You thought I shouldn’t get a choice in this. That’s what you thought.”
“You were happy. I didn’t think you remembered me. And if I had known about the dreams, it still didn’t mean I would have come for you Sage. It’s not safe for us. It’s never been safe for us. There are things you don’t know—"
“Oh, cut the crap. You changed my life, Adam. You didn’t change me. You walked around with some big empty hole in your heart pretending you were doing it for me, but all you were doing is leaving a big empty hole in mine. If you really loved and missed me like you claim, well then you made a choice for me that wasn’t yours to choose. The choice that I might feel the same. Stop trying to be the sacrificial hero in my story for a change and be the hero in yours.”
“Sage—”
“I didn’t need to be saved. You told me that once. I didn’t need to be saved. I just needed you.” I want to call her. To tell her to turn around and talk this out…
But I really don’t know how.
So, I let her go.
Chapter Forty-Five
Sage
I bump into Lucas the moment I climb over the rocks. He scans my tearstained face and his jaw clenches. “I’m going to kill him,” he growls pushing past me.
“Stop.” I grab his arm. “Stop, please. Can we just go back to your house? I can’t deal with any more drama today.”
His eyes warm with compassion and he hugs my shoulder as we stroll across the beach and to the driveway. He opens the passenger side door, tucking me inside like I was a toddler. We are about halfway back to town, when I finally work up the courage to explain what just happened.
“He was an old friend at one time. Things didn’t end well.” I say. “I guess I didn’t realize you two knew each other and that I would run into him here. I was—”
Lucas glances at me with a confused expression. “How exactly did you meet Adam? You’ve never been here, and Adam’s been here—”
“California,” I say quickly. “We went to a few parties at his dad’s house and well I met him there. He hit on me one time and I guess…I guess I cared more about him than he did about me.”
Lucas reaches across the seat and grabs my hand. “I’m sorry, Sage. If I had known that I would’ve never let you come here to help me with Brianna. This is all my fault.”
“No.” I squeeze his hand. “This is definitely not your fault. I’ve loved being here, and I’m thinking it’s working, isn’t it? The get-Brianna-back plan?” I raise my voice a little, hoping it’ll help change the subject.
“Adam’s an idiot.” Lucas says. Okay, my plan is not working.
“Can we just not talk about it?” I bite my lip.
“Oh,” he says in a low voice. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s just—it’s just a bad memory, that’s all. I’m sorry for being so gloomy about it. Plus, he’s your friend and I just really don’t want you to be in the middle, okay?”
“Sage, I care about you—just because you’re not Brianna, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. Adam’s my friend and all, but for some reason I can’t explain, I feel much closer to you than I do him.”
That’s because you were. I rub my temples. The memories are still throbbing through my head like a bunch of drummers live in my brain and I am the drum. “My head hurts,” I tell Lucas. “Can we stop at the supermarket and get some ibuprofen or something?”
“Of course,” Lucas says, pulling into the parking lot. Well, if you could even call it that. More like a row of cars. This town is small.
“I can just run in quickly,” I say. “I know you need to get home and pack and stuff.”
“No rush,” he says. “If you want, I can go get it and you can rest—” I slam the car door on him before he can finish. That guy is just too nice.
I’m nearly to the medicine aisle when I nearly bump into her. She’s holding a box of tampons—how appropriate. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry,” she says, leaning over to pick up the box. When she stands up and realizes it’s me, her smile fades.
“You?” she says.
“Sage,” I say. “That’s what I’m usually called.” Part of me wants to say more, especially now that I know how cruel she was to me in that other life, but she doesn’t remember that life. Lucas and Brianna cared about each other in that other life too. And changing the timeline may change a lot of things, but I’m not so sure it changes who we love and who we’re meant to be with. I frown as I think of Adam, on the beach. He’s different, but so am I. Do we—can we still love each other?
Brianna’s stands in front of me looking down her nose at me, but her eyes scream with jealousy. She loves Lucas. Lucas loves her. Who am I to keep them apart? Unlike Adam, I’m not going to make decisions for them.
“Brianna,” I say. “We’re not dating. We’re just friends.”
“I…” She almost stumbles. I’m pretty sure she was not expecting that. “I didn’t think you were. I just—”, she stutters. I know she’s trying to say something confident. Something that shows she doesn’t care.
But she does.
“We’re just friends because there’s this girl he likes who will never compare to any other girls. And no matter how far he goes. No matter how much space and time he tries to give her, he can’t—he’ll never—get over her.”
“I—”
Instead of making her come up with an answer I turn toward the pain relief shelf. I grab the first bottle of ibuprofen I can and pretend to read the label. But I steal a glance back down the aisle where she’s still standing there. Still digesting everything I ever said. Maybe something good will come out of my visit here.
* * *
“Do you have everything?” Lucas asks as he takes my bag out of his bedroom. “I’m not going to find like a pair of your underwear or something under my bed?”
“Lucas,” his mother gasps.
“No.” I laugh and elbow him. “And no worries. We’re just friends.”
She glances at Lucas in confusion. “Seriously? I thought you were crazy about this girl and you two were dating. I used the good china.” I’m not sure whether that’s a compliment or insult.
Lucas shrugs. “I mean everyone wants to be my girlfriend out there. You should see the way they fight over me. I hired Sage to—”
“Lucas.” I elbow him again.
Lucas’ mom smiles. “Well, I’m glad you’re happy. Even if you’re fake dating.” She kisses the top of his head.
I look to Lucas. Shades of that other life are creeping in. There’s a part of me that feels like this is so right. And an even bigger part of me that’s so grateful that I get to do this with him.
We’re standing in the driveway, when a car pulls in. It’s the same red as it was in the other life. The same shiny lip gloss, the same butterfly dangling from the mirror, but the girl that gets out of it is much different. She’s tentative and sheepish as she approaches us.
“Can I talk to Lucas?” she asks.
“Sure, I was just going to go do another check to see if I got everything,” I say but nobody’s listening. They focus on each other, their eyes saying what their mouths can’t seem to express.
I’m nearly back to the house, when someone grabs me from behind. A dark raspy voice whispers into my ear. “If you don’t want something to happen to your friend over there, do not scream.” My heart rattles so loud, I don’t think I could scream. Even if I tried.
And we disappear into a burst of light.
Chapter Forty-Six
Adam
If she had, she would have seen how much I love her and that what happened at the diner—I didn’t mean that. She should have seen that I made the choice I did out of love—that I never meant to…ugh. My head sinks into my hands.
I hate this ring and all the stupid rings. I hate the Nexus. I’m tempted to throw the stupid thing into the water, but then it would mean my dad would ultimately win. Maybe I should let him win? If he’ll leave Sage alone, I’ll go save Katie. That could work—couldn’t it? Maybe that’s the idea…
Sage’s words flash through my mind. Stop trying to be the sacrificial hero in my story for a change and be the hero in yours.
I would, Sage. I really would. But I don’t know how to.
I stand up. Hero in my own story. Well, what would the hero in my own story do? It would do what I’ve been doing all along, protect her. Because she’s the only story that matters.
Remember the Knight Page 22