by Erin Trejo
I don’t want to. I don’t want to be her anymore. She was bad. She killed. She hated to the point that she was nearly responsible for the deaths of more people. She was a monster herself and I don’t think I can go back to being her, yet weirdly at the same time, I miss her. I miss her confidence. I miss her smile. I miss the way she didn’t take shit from anyone. Most of all I miss the way I was able to look in the mirror and be able to see who I really was.
When I look at myself now, I don’t know who I am. I don’t know this girl that I’m trying so desperately to be. I’ve always been good at taking care of people in one way or another, but living a life hiding in the shadows was never my intention.
I was never afraid or naïve. I was bold. I was beautiful. I was fucking deadly.
Now I’m a shell of what I once was, the result of who I’ve made myself become. Being around Monster I can feel her clawing at my insides and begging me to step aside and let her back out. I think I want to. God, how I’ve missed her.
She was the rock in my life and now she’s buried so deep inside of me, all so the world doesn’t look at me the way they did. The way he did. I’m torn in half, and I’m not sure which part of me is going to win.
Fifteen
Monster
She didn’t complain that she was tired, but I could feel her body jolting too many times for my liking. I took us through to Savannah and found a hotel before pulling over. I pull her arms up and she pulls them from around me as I climb off and lift her off with me. Gently I take the helmet off her head and I can see how truly tired she is.
“You should have told me you were tired,” I tell her.
She shrugs like it doesn’t matter.
“Come on,” I say as I usher her toward the door.
“You don’t think they’ll say anything about a giant ass like you with a handcuffed girl?”
She laughs no doubt thinking I’m going to let her go. Not a fucking chance in hell. She looks sexy as hell cuffed like she is. I can do whatever the fuck I want and there is nothing she can do to stop me.
“Not in this place,” I answer her with a wink.
She rolls her eyes and follows me inside. The girl at the counter looks up. From me, to her, then to the handcuffs, and back at me once more.
“You had to cuff her?” she asks with a southern drawl.
“She wasn’t cooperatin’ with me. You know the drill,” I tell her with a smile.
“You never learn do you Monster?”
Nikki smiles at me before she moves around the counter to give me a hug.
“Oh that’s just great. She knows about you and your handcuffs. I take it I’m not the first one you’ve forced to go on a journey with you?” Kyza remarks sarcastically next to me. Nikki pulls back and smiles over at her. She moves to shake her hand but stops because of the cuffs.
“Okay. I’m Nikki. Nice to meet you.”
“This is Kyza,” I tell her nodding toward her.
Nikki smiles as she moves back around the desk and starts typing away at her keyboard.
“Kyza, the kidnapped girl from Florida. The one cuffed and taken against her will.”
I think it’s cute. No, I think it’s downright adorable the way she thinks that matters to anyone here.
“You say kidnapped, I say encouraged to take a trip.”
“Excuse me? Encouraged would have been something like, ‘Hey Kyza, you really should take some time for yourself.’ Not pinning me to the bed and cuffing me,” she snaps and I chuckle.
“I didn’t hear you complainin’ when you thought you were gettin’ my dick again,” I remind her. Her eyes narrow to slits and it makes my cock respond and go rock hard.
“Don’t forget I stabbed you asshole.”
“Okay, so I’ll put you guys in room ten. It’s around the back as usual,” Nikki chimes in causing our argument to stop for the moment.
I liked it. I’m almost pissed that she interrupted us because I saw that flicker in Kyza’s eyes again. I know she keeps it locked up tight.
“Thanks Nikki. Tell your dad I said hi,” I tell her as I grab the key from her, grab the cuffs, and pull Kyza back outside.
We helped Nikki’s dad out in the past. Well, I guess I should say Viking did back when he wanted to buy this place. Viking knows him from some shit that went down years ago, but I don’t even know that story. All I know is that I’ve been here more than once to help get it cleaned up.
“Bring your captives here often?” Kyza sneers acting like a brat. I like it. I like seeing her like this.
“It’s been a while. Go around back while I move the bike,” I tell her.
She rolls her eyes at me and walks toward the back of the building. A few people linger as I push the bike with my feet. I don’t need any surprises from her. She does it though. She still manages to surprise me.
“Hey. I’m Kyza. I’m a kidnapped queen. Feel free to report this. Please?” she announces with a smile holding her arms up so that they can see her cuffs.
I laugh. It’s a real fucking laugh too. It’s been too fucking long since that’s happened and it’s almost scary that I’m doing so now. The guys smoke their cigarettes. They’re not paying much attention to her as Kyza keeps walking.
“You can laugh? I had no idea that was possible,” she smirks.
I roll the bike to a stop and climb off.
“I wasn’t aware you had jokes either.”
I leave the helmets on the seat and lead her toward the room. Once I have the door open I usher her inside. Kyza walks over and drops onto the bed on her back and sighs. I shrug my cut off, toss it to the chair with my keys and wallet, and sit down in the chair next to the bed.
“You hungry? I can order somethin’.”
She nods her head as her eyes drift closed. She doesn’t bitch or say a word about still being cuffed. She just closes her eyes and drifts off to sleep. I call and order a pizza before I head to the bathroom for a shower.
I think while I’m bathing. I think about why I brought her along for this. What am I doing with her? I’m not sure I understand any of this yet, but I don’t plan on letting her go anytime soon either. I want her to see herself. I want her to be who she was meant to be. I don’t know why I want all of that, but I can feel that she needs it. I want to be the one to show her. She’s isn’t any different than me. I know that and I think it’s why something in her calls to me.
I climb out of the shower when I hear a knock on the door. I tie the towel around my waist and move quickly through the room to grab my wallet. I look over my shoulder to find her still sleeping.
“Hi you ordered pi-,” the words die in the girl’s throat as she looks at me.
Same shit. Her eyes wander over my body, but linger on my scars. I don’t think about it, but the way her face scrunches up pisses me off.
“Here,” I say harshly and shove the money at her.
“What happen-,” but before she can get another word out Kyza is on her.
Even handcuffed she is taking the girl on. She has a handful of the girl’s hair and is tugging her head back as I watch in complete awe.
“What the fuck is with you? First you’re eyeing him and then you have the balls to ask a stupid question?”
I can see that we’re drawing a crowd of some of the other guests. Kyza is shaking the hell out of the girl when I move to grab her around the waist.
“Easy killer,” I tell her with a laugh. “Let her go.”
Her hands only tighten more as she tries to fight me off.
“You crazy bitch.”
I almost laugh when Kyza kicks her in the ass. I have a tight grip on her, so there’s not much more she can do.
“Let her go scrappy,” I whisper in her ear.
She finally listens to me and lets her go. I don’t check to see if the girl is okay. I just keep moving back. Once we’re back in the room I set her on her feet and close the door behind us. She looks up at me with fire dancing in her eyes. Before I can register what�
��s happening she’s throwing herself against me. Her cuffed hands wrap around my neck to pull me to her, her lips crash into mine in a heated kiss. I let her press her little body against mine. I lift her in my arms, spin her around, and press her into the wall, pushing my already hard cock against her. Kyza moans.
“I need you,” she whispers as she kisses along my jaw.
I growl and lower her back down to her feet. I pull her arms from around me. I strip her of her jeans and panties quickly and let my towel hit the floor. I lift her up again, position myself and thrust into her as her legs wrap around me. I’m holding her hip with one hand and her cuffed hands above her head with the other. Each roll of my hips feels like heaven. She was made for me. There is no doubt in my mind, but fuck. How do I make her see that? How do I give her all of me? I don’t know that I can give her all of me, and that’s the part that’s fucking with my head.
“Monster,” she cries out as I hit her even deeper.
I fucking love it. I love hearing her cry out my name. I fuck her harder and harder, her body starts trembling as she starts to come. I come with her and everything just fades away. There’s only us. Her and I, the darkness, and the monsters that live and breathe inside of us.
I rest my head on hers and just breathe in her scent. When I finally pull out of her and let her body slide down mine she looks up at me with those big, shining blue eyes.
Then it hits me.
“Fuck. I didn’t use a condom.”
“I’m on birth control and I’m clean. I’m going to take a shower. Can you take these off me now?”
I nod my head and grab my wallet to pull the key out. I uncuff her, toss the handcuffs to the floor, and rub her wrists in my hands.
“Sorry,” I apologize softly.
“I’m not,” she whispers before pulling away from me and heading to the bathroom.
I walk over to the bed and let out a slow breath. I’m fucked.
Sixteen
Kyza
I’ve been standing in the bathroom for a long time. I don’t know how long. I’ve showered, but I did something more; I took the dreads out of my hair. It’s not as hard as some people would think. I’ve changed my hair a lot over the years, but now that I’m standing in front of the mirror looking at the girl I haven’t been in so long tears spring to my eyes and I can’t stop them. I can’t move.
I just stare back at the reflection of the girl that I didn’t want to see. I’m not sure who she is anymore. I left this girl years ago to find someone new. I changed her. I made her someone else. Now she’s here, staring back at me. There’s no makeup. Just long blonde hair and big blue eyes. My insides are trembling. I never thought I’d want to be her again.
Monster is slowly pulling her back to the surface. That scares me more than anything else could. A soft knock on the door has me reaching up to wipe my eyes.
“You okay?” Monster asks.
“Just give me a minute,” I tell him.
“It’s been over two hours babe. You need help?” he chuckles which causes me to smile.
“No. I’ll be out in just a minute.”
I blink a few more times, tilt my head, and study myself. Can I go back to who I once was? Can I be her again? I don’t know that I have it in me. I take a deep breath, reach for the knob, and walk out of the bathroom.
“I was thinkin’ you tried to escape, but there’s no window,” Monster teases until he looks up at me. His whole demeanor changes. His eyes widen as he takes me in. “Jesus Christ.”
“You make me want to be myself again. I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” I admit.
Monster sits up on the bed and motions for me to come to him. I take slow steps, unsure of how I feel right now. When I get close to him he reaches out and pulls me into his lap. He runs his fingers through my hair.
“Is that bad?”
“Hell no. It’s you. I liked you before, but this is who you are Kyza. I want to see that part of you,” he says honestly.
“Why? What if you hate me when you see who I truly am?”
“I could never hate you baby. There’s somethin’ between us and you know it. You have to be able to feel this as much as I can.”
He’s right. I can feel it. It doesn’t change anything though.
“Things happened to me. They changed me. I did things I shouldn’t have. There are so many secrets that no one knows,” I admit.
It feels good to at least admit that much, that I’m hiding things, it’s lifted a huge weight off my chest.
“I know. I want you to tell me, but I’m not forcin’ you to say shit. I’m not that kind of person. I think you know that. We all have secrets. When you’re ready you’ll tell me. I’m not goin’ anywhere Kyza,” he whispers the last part as he presses his face into the top of my hair and inhales.
“Will you tell me a secret?”
He sighs and his warm breath is blowing my hair slightly. I snuggle into his embrace and feel his naked warmth pressing against me.
“I lived in California my whole life. I met the club there. It was a different chapter. They took me in when I was at a very low point in my life. I hated pretty much everything, but mostly I hated people. They didn’t look at me any differently though. They just opened their arms and embraced me,” he says blowing out a breath before he continues. “I met a girl. She was sweet. Nothin’ like the other girls. I thought she was really into me. We fucked. We hung out. She became somethin’ I wanted in my life, but it was all fake. She was just another lie. She was just another mess I had to clean up.”
“What happened?” I ask holding my breath.
“She lied to me. She cheated on me and was sellin’ me and my boys out to a rival club. She was runnin’ intel for them. I hated myself for trustin’ her. I hated her for what she did, but the club was in a good place. The guys had their old ladies and shit was finally goin’ right. You know?”
He shakes his head as I turn mine to look up at him.
“What happened to her?”
I can see it before he even admits it. His eyes darken and the look on his face morphs to one of pain. He doesn’t want to tell me, but he’s going to. I know that look. I’ve seen it.
“I knew I had to protect the club. They never liked her. They never thought she should have been there, but out of respect for me, they let it slide.”
“You did it. Didn’t you?”
He nods his head slowly.
“Yeah. I killed her. I buried her where no one would find her. I cleaned up my fuckin’ mess. I couldn’t leave it to my club to take care of her. I was the one that brought that bitch in there, so I was the one that needed to handle it.”
“Is that why you moved to Florida?”
“That’s part of it. I just needed to be able to breathe again. I couldn’t breathe there anymore. There was a weight sittin’ in the middle of my chest every fuckin’ time I looked at the guys. I hated it. I knew I needed to get out of there before I did somethin’ I’d regret.”
“You thought about hurting yourself?”
I don’t need to ask. I can see it in his eyes. I know that look very well. I’ve been there myself.
“More than once I found myself sittin’ on the edge of the bed with a gun in my hands. I remember sittin’ there just lookin’ at it, thinkin’ how much better they’d be without me around. How much trouble that bitch could have caused us if I hadn’t handled her when I did. I just thought it would be a better world without me in it anymore.”
There’s pain in his eyes. I hate to see it, but I understand it. I’ve felt the same thing and I know how hard it is. I shift in his lap and lift my hand up to his cheek.
“It wouldn’t be though. You found me. You make me want to be my old self. I haven’t wanted to be her again for years. I didn’t want the memories that come with her. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see her anymore.”
“Is that what the hair and all that makeup were about?”
“I wanted to be someone else, a
nyone else. Being me became too hard. When I ran I just wanted to let the past stay in the past. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see the killer that I had become. Do you know what the worst part of all of it is?”
He shakes his head, fingers running through my hair. He’s soothing me.
“What’s the worst part?”
“I liked it.” I confess softly, completely ashamed that I liked how good it felt to take a life.
“Killin’?”
“No. Not that I was a killer. I liked that I had the power to do it though. I liked that I could take a life that took so much from me. I…”
“Killin’ isn’t just for joy. I mean for some people it is, but for most people it’s out of necessity. It’s just a way of life. I’m sure you’ve had your share of reasons.”
“The first time yes.”
His eyes jerk to mine and his lips part. A soft smile curves the corners of his mouth. I want nothing more than to kiss him, but I don’t. This is a pivotal moment for us.
“There was more than one?” He asks as I nod my head. “The guy in the photo?”
“He was my boyfriend. I thought he loved me. In a way I guess he really did, but he always did as he was told. He was one of my father’s men. He knew his place and he followed the rules, but in one fucking night it all changed.”
A shiver races down my spine and Monster pulls me closer to him.
“You don’t have to tell me,” Monster whispers.
“I want to tell you. I want you to trust me.”
“I do trust you Kyza.”
“Fully, Monster. I want you to trust me fully.”
I take another deep breath and start again.