by Neil Hegarty
This was how it would be, every time. Scrunch the brown paper into a ball, throw the ball away into the street. Feel in his pocket: there would always be more paper there, folded up into a neat square. And charcoal, rescued from the bomb sites off the High Street or down by the river. And seeds of willowherb, brought with it, tiny seeds that slipped into the seams of his pockets. Maybe they’d grow there, great thickets in his pocket, to match the willowherb that grew with the butterfly bushes in the bomb sites. Given half a chance. Or in his fingernails, if a seed found itself stuck in there: a butterfly bush growing out of his hand. Well, and why not? – if they can grow out of a wall, they can grow out of a fingernail.
Although, his mum would have a fit, if she saw willowherb growing out of the seams of his pockets and butterfly bushes growing out of his fingers.
His pockets filled with paper, and seeds, and charcoal. The crumple of paper, left there in the road. He had plenty of charcoal left, plenty of paper left, he would be drawing again, later, after his dinner. And the next day, and the next, and the next.
And always, tears in his eyes, big boy and all though he was, as he hurried along the High Street, through the crowds. At the thought of the drawing there in the road, thrown down as if he never cared about it at all.
North along the High Street, away from the river, towards Regina Road, and home. Nobody noticed such a little boy, not a big boy at all, as he ran and ran.
‘Lovely,’ Stella said, years later. ‘Dig for victory. Lovely.’
It was easy to talk about his gran.
He never mentioned the tears.
*
Brown, they called the Thames. And stinking in summer, and filled with dead dogs, and wood, and every kind of rubbish in the world. Women, too: young women ‘caught short’, as his mum and gran said, with no cash to take them into the back streets to be scraped out and sent on their way again, and so nothing to be done about it but go into the river. Scraped out, they said to one another, low, in the kitchen. Such and such a girl. When they thought he wasn’t listening. Over his head. They would be talking over the top of his head, and going on and on, a bit like a river themselves.
John knew to listen and not to interrupt – but sometimes his curiosity was like a live thing: it opened his mouth even though he tried to keep it locked tight, it opened up his clamped teeth, and out would come the words. Without so much as a by your leave; and that was another of his gran’s favourites.
‘Caught short? What does that mean?’
‘Never you mind.’
They looked at each other, then, and moved away. Or moved him away: sent him up to the High Street on an errand, for this or for that, for a spool of thread or a needle, maybe, for his gran was forever running short of thread, and was forever losing her needles, who knew where? And off he would go. But he knew they were brushing him out of the way, out of sight and out of earshot. He didn’t mind, but he wasn’t stupid.
Nobody was stupid, in Deptford. You couldn’t be stupid, not in a place like Deptford, and expect to get by.
(That was another of his gran’s.)
His dad told him, in the end. A man-to-man, they had, one day in the house when the place was quiet. ‘This is a chat to be had when the womenfolk are out of the way,’ his dad said, ‘and you’re asking too many questions, and driving yourself up a tree.’
Up a tree.
Then his dad told him about the girls got in the family way, he said, by a man: by her young man, sometimes, and that was nobody’s fault, these things happened; and people just got on with it, and the baby would be born, and that was fine.
But sometimes the girl fell in with the wrong kind of man, and that was not so good, and not her fault, and such a man would up and leave her. Get back on a boat and off down the Thames, and that would be an end to that.
And that would be an end to her, sometimes, too. To the girl: she would get the baby scraped out of her, if she was lucky, and if she had a few bob; or, sometimes, not all that often, but too often, she would go into the river, and never be seen again, or she would be fished out, right here at Deptford, or further east, or, sometimes, all the way down in Essex.
‘You’re too young for this, son, and too young to worry about it at the moment: but when you get a bit older, you need to treat a girl in the right way. In the right way, will you remember that?’
John nodded: he would. He didn’t want anyone he knew to go into the river. He’d seen the dogs and cats in there, and they were bad enough.
‘Gently, and you want her to treat you gently too, and that’s the way to be happy,’ his dad said, and he laid a large brown hand on top of John’s head. ‘Nothing rough, and nothing cruel, and you’ll be fine.’
Another nod. That sounded good. Why would you be cruel, when you didn’t have to be cruel?
He felt grown up, after that. ‘Don’t tell your mum,’ his dad said. ‘She doesn’t like that sort of talk, and you’re a bit young.’ His mum went to church on Sundays – she goes religiously, his dad said – and sometimes at other times too, and his gran went too, hats and all, the pair of them. Togged out. Fancy. They liked it when John, not togged along but tagged along, but they didn’t make him, and the truth was – ‘the truth is, Dorothy, love,’ his dad said – that John didn’t really like it.
He was like his dad, that way.
Or, that he didn’t like it enough. Sometimes, the sounds of the service lulled him, and time passed by, again a bit like a river running, and the service was over almost before he knew it, and the words made beautiful shapes and colours in his head: The Lord is my shepherd: therefore can I lack nothing. But then, his gran would press her ring finger into the side of his head, and the cold metal of the ring would feel cold against his scalp, through his hair, and he would open his eyes, out of a daydream.
That happened a lot, until the womenfolk became less strict, and he was allowed to stay at home instead. Only sometimes, but sometimes was enough: sometimes meant he was growing up.
And the times they made him go – at Easter, at Advent – high days and holy days, his gran said – weren’t too bad. So long as they weren’t each and every Sunday. He shall feed me in a green pasture: and lead me forth beside the waters of comfort. Bright green, the green of Greenwich Park in springtime, or like the fields out in Kent: as green as green could be, as green as emeralds in storybooks.
The colours glowed in his brain.
But then out of his daydream, they would make him scratch his head and wonder. There were green pastures only in some places, after all; they weren’t everywhere. There were no green pastures in Deptford, or none that he had ever seen. And the waters in the Thames: these waters weren’t waters of comfort, were they? It didn’t seem likely: not when his dad was telling him the next minute that women in trouble ended up there. Bobbing there, floating out to sea, maybe. And the dogs and the cats (and the rats, only people didn’t like you mentioning the rats). Where was the comfort there?
‘Pipe down, son,’ his dad said, when John asked him this. ‘Your mother will have a canary if she hears that sort of thing coming from you.’
A canary?
But then – but then, Dad turned quickly and looked out the window, not that there was anything there, just the grey yard and the privy, and his shoulders moved up and down, and his ears turned a bright apple-red, and then – just like that – he burst into howls of laughter. He laughed, and wiped his eyes, and laughed again. ‘You got me there, son,’ he said. ‘The Thames is no waters of comfort, I’m not going to argue with you about that.’ And he laughed again, and went on laughing as he stood over the basin, peeling potatoes for Sunday dinner. ‘It certainly is not.’
No waters of comfort. Not the brown, muddy Thames.
But – but there was a something that John saw there, sometimes. He saw – gold, sometimes, and yellow and orange, like the bright spices the women, the black women nowadays, sold on the High Street. A slice of red, late in the afternoon, the colour of cinnamo
n, that his mother sometimes bought in little twists of paper, to sprinkle on stewed apple. Glittering like gold under a blue sky; or a dark, hard grey like the charcoal he fished out of the old bomb sites. So, brown, yes, sometimes, but not often, and never the way they meant. And even the brown, the muddy old ordinary brown, when the sky was grey, even that was worth looking at.
And yes, he would draw, sometimes, with this rescued charcoal. It had begun – just like that: one day his dad fished a piece of bone-dry charcoal from the old gas works, pulverised, he said, during the war. Summertime, and hot weather, and the charcoal bone-dry, and ‘Who needs pencils when we have this, just lying around?’ Just like that: he handed it over; and later, in his room, John began drawing on a bit of paper. A house, with a narrow door, and a window downstairs, and two windows upstairs, a doorstep, and a door knocker shaped like a fish, a leaping salmon. He drew a house just like their own house.
And, just like that. It was easy.
That’s how the drawing began. On old newspapers that his mum was about to throw out. On brown wrapping paper that his mum, his gran, folded and stored in a drawer, with string and odds and ends, in the kitchen. ‘What’s that?’ Harry would say, and John would shrug. ‘Nothing much.’ Patterns in the way he saw the sky, or the river, or the northern shore of the river. The lines of the tide, the way the sun shone on the tidelines, the clumps of wrack at the high-water mark. ‘Is that the river?’ Harry would ask. ‘Is that supposed to be that dog? It doesn’t look like a dog to me.’ Or, ‘It doesn’t look like the river to me.’ Soon, John began to draw at home, only, upstairs in his little box room, never outdoors, never in front of Harry.
Never in front of anyone.
Once, he went into Jack’s shop on the High Street, and stole some paper. Good paper, like velvet, a new line Jack was trying out – ‘you never know what people might like’ – and he stole it while Jack was dealing with a customer. Just stole it. Just like that. Jack knew him and liked him – ‘There’s the young man, himself: how are you, young John?’ – and so he never stole from him again. Once was enough. He felt sticky with shame; the shame stuck to his hands like sugar. Once was enough.
But the paper that he had whisked away, that he had stolen: it was heavy, like cloth. The marks of the charcoal were different too. It was – how could this be? but the marks were – well, they were more black than on the old folded bits of wrapping paper, they were blacker than black, and the charcoal swept across the surface of the paper as though it ran on wheels. Slash, and turn, and mark, and he forgot himself, upstairs in his little room, and they had to call him and call him for tea: and when he came downstairs, his hands were black, his face and his forehead were black where he’d forgot himself and pushed the hair away from his eyes. ‘The shape of you,’ laughed his gran and went at him with a soapy flannel, and his mum laughed too and said, ‘Never you mind, you do what you like to do,’ and his dad touched the top of his head with a large brown hand. ‘A bit of drawing never did anyone any harm.’
‘What were you doing, to get into a state like that?’ his gran said, when he began to take himself off to draw. The room upstairs, his little room, seemed too small sometimes: the river was large and the sky was large, and there was any amount of charcoal just lying there and waiting to be used. So he would slip off now, and draw outside, under the big sky, and now the drawings were changing too, and these were the pieces of paper that would end up in the gutter, in tightly wadded balls on the High Street.
‘I was just drawing, Gran.’ There was no need to say what he was doing, exactly, or why he was drawing.
Or, how it made him feel.
These were his sharpest memories, the ones he thought he would always carry with him through life, in an inside pocket: the acrid scent of charcoal biting paper; the feel of a powder of charcoal on his hands; the gorgeousness of wet, warm, soapy flannel on face, and forehead, and neck.
‘Gran, stop!’
Never, never stop.
As for the colour, though: as for the brown staining the Thames – well, there was no point getting into anything like that. He would lose his dad, his mum, his gran, there – and that was a thing he didn’t want. Once, he tried to say to his dad about the gold in the brown, the yellow lights and threads in the dank, smelly old brown, but it didn’t seem to get him anywhere. ‘I suppose you’re right, John,’ was the reply. And a little shrug and a frown. ‘I suppose so. There’s nothing wrong with brown, that’s true enough.’ Which wasn’t exactly what John meant, but it would have to do.
Keep them close, keep them tight. Keep them in an inside pocket, and show them to nobody.
Never, never stop.
3
John liked to wander, and there was plenty of wandering to be had: at weekends, and in the summer, and in the other school holidays. You could wander to your heart’s content, and he often did.
‘Tell me now,’ they would say, his mum or his gran, to the top of his head, ‘where are you off to now, Mister John?’ Or his gran would be in the privy – ‘excuse me now, just a moment, while I step across the path’ – and Mum with her hands red and scalded-looking from the washing. Just the three of them, for Dad was off and away to the docks with the lark.
‘To the Quaggy,’ he would say, ‘with Harry.’ It wasn’t a lie, because that was where he would usually end up, for all of his wandering. ‘Just down to the Quaggy.’
‘Well,’ Mum would tell him, ‘and you be careful.’
She didn’t need to be worried. John was a waterbaby: that was what his mum liked to say, and he would look up proudly at his dad when she said it. ‘A waterbaby: and we know where he gets that one from.’ No need to worry, and they all knew it: the little lines around his dad’s eyes would run out like a spider’s web as he smiled. A waterbaby knew about the water, about the Thames and the Quaggy.
Regina Road was scrubbed today, as clean as a pin. Water on the doorsteps, and suds in the gutter, and the mums taking the air. He bashed on Harry’s brass door knocker – shaped like a dolphin, but John’s own brass door knocker was shaped like a fish, like a Thames salmon from the olden days, said the book out of the library – and Harry was there in a flash, and they were at the end of Regina Road in another flash; and Harry’s mum was at the door, and shouting after them.
‘And back at one! I need you to help me this afternoon!’
‘With the blacking,’ Harry said, and he held out his black hands. ‘The kitchen stove yesterday,’ he said, ‘and the upstairs stove today.’
An upstairs stove. Two stoves in Harry’s family, and Harry blacked them both.
John’s house had one stove: but one was enough, his mum said. No house needed more than a single stove. Who did Harry’s mum and dad think they were? And didn’t their legs kill them, running up and down the stairs all day with their buckets filled with coal? John thought that another stove, a stove upstairs, would be grand, especially in the winter: then the air upstairs would be warm, and he wouldn’t see his breath hanging like a Thames fog when he jumped out of his clothes and into his pyjamas and into bed, and his nose wouldn’t be as red as red could be from the cold.
But no, his mum was right. No house needed more than a single stove.
They turned right. The High Street was filling up. Mums, and stalls, and some black men and black women among the people; and the shops open wide. Onions, and carrots, rope and string, spools of thread that shone like jewels, along with needles for his gran, potatoes and boxes of soap flakes. Fishes on white marble slabs, red and pink and white and grey, fat and flat, their glassy eyes watching as they scurried past; the smell of fish, and the smell of coffee, roasting. They followed the High Street under the railway bridge and along to its end, then the wiggles of streets, and then – a wide open sky, and there was the Thames. And it was brown today, and the sky white, and the further shore distant; and now the corner where the Quaggy flowed quietly out into the Thames, the sunny corner, no wind, where they settled themselves.
&n
bsp; ‘What will we look for today?’
The Thames shore was brown and white, rough sand and shingle. The foreshore, his dad called it. Tidewrack, and wood white as a ghost and smooth, washed up from the sea. Metal drums from the ships, from the docks, and gulls in circles overhead, crying like the sheep crying in Kent when they went hopping, and little birds with black-and-white feathers and long beaks walking quick on the edge of the water.
‘Dogs,’ said John.
It was dogs, today.
Because all sorts washed up at Deptford. A sheepdog, once, heavy and bloated like a hairy black-and-white football, and smaller dogs, and sometimes cats. Sometimes they didn’t look dead at all; sometimes, though, they did look dead, with pink tongues sticking out. ‘You don’t want to touch them, John,’ Mum said – not that he would have, when they were all swelled up. ‘They might burst,’ said Mum, ‘all over you, all that gas, and then where would you be?’
Still by the Thames, was where. What, did she think the gas would send them up into the air?
There were no dogs, today. No dogs, and no cats. No girls in trouble. Had Harry ever heard of the girls in trouble, floating out there on the water? – he was afraid to ask, because Harry was a bit of a blab; he might tell his mum, and something told John that he didn’t want that to happen, because Harry’s mum was a bit strange – ‘a funny onion,’ his dad said, once, and his mum said, ‘she’s funnier than any onion, that one’ – and you wouldn’t want her saying anything, or causing trouble. Girls in trouble, and Harry’s mum: somehow John knew that she wouldn’t be made a bit happy by that kind of talk.
So no, not a word to Harry.
But it was alright, wasn’t it, to secretly wish to see a girl in trouble? Some time? It wasn’t a sin.