* * *
Grandma sat on her front porch with an iced tea. She listened to the news complaining about the King’s stance on the use of live newts in witches’ brews. In the distance, her old ears picked up the strangest sound. It was like a lot of high-pitched screeching. Grandma stood up and looked out over her lawn. Suddenly, a giant shape exploded from the cover of the trees. The shape sagged in the middle and seemed to be held up by a hundred screaming fairies. The object fell like a rock to her lawn and the fairies sprawled out on the grass like they were dead.
An elephant charged for her house.
“Oh, my!” Grandma said. Before she could respond, she was bound and gagged and slammed into her closet.
“I’ll get you this time, my pretty,” the elephant said with a laugh.
His cell phone rang.
“Hello?” he asked as he answered.
A nasally voice spoke. In the background, the elephant heard a small dog yipping. “This is Albert from the Magical Catch Phrase Patent Office. We just got word that you used a phrase similar to one used by one of our clients. Please desist or you will have to pay a fee.”
“Oh, yeah?” the elephant said. “I’ll get you and your little dog, too.”
“That’s another one of hers. You’ll be hearing from one of our lawyers. Have an enchanted evening.”
The elephant put away his cell phone and started digging through grandma’s dresser.
He held up a thong. “Geez. What’s a little old lady need this for?”
Finally, the elephant found a night shirt and a little sleeping cap. He only managed to get the shirt around his leg. The cap was speared by one of his tusks. The elephant decided on closing the blinds and hopping into grandma’s bed.
The bed collapsed with a titanic crash.
“This better work,” the elephant muttered.
The elephant settled in to wait for Red. The television had switched to the latest scandal. Sleeping Beauty was claiming that her latest affair happened while she was sleepwalking.
It wasn’t long until the elephant heard Red at the front door.
* * *
Red didn’t think about the passed-out fairies on her grandmother’s lawn until after she had opened the door.
“Grandma?” Red asked. Her boots thumped on the floor as she walked in.
“In here, my pretty.”
A cell phone started to ring and Red heard muffled swearing.
“Are you okay, Grandma?” Red asked as she made her way through her grandma’s house.
“Just fine,” came the reply. “Just a little summer cold.”
Red was in her grandmother’s room now. Grandma was on a demolished bed, wearing her nightgown on one of her enormous tusks.
“Grandma,” Red said as she stepped closer, “what big eyes you have.”
“All the better to see you with.”
“Grandma,” Red said as she rummaged through her basket, “what big ears you have.”
“I know,” Grandma said. “As you get older, your ears keep growing. You won’t look so pretty at my age, either, you know.”
“Grandma,” Red said as she was right beside the bed, “what big tusks you have.”
“All the better to gore you with, my dear!” the elephant roared. He reared back and screamed, “Don’t taze me, Red!”
It was too late. Red jammed her industrial-sized Taser right into the elephant’s nose.
The elephant twitched and rolled away from Red. Suddenly, Grandma came bounding out of her closet with a baseball bat. She smacked the elephant on the top of the head while Red zapped him with her Taser.
“I’ve already called the woodsman next door – and he’s such a sweet boy, honey, you should really go out with him,” Grandma said.
“Not now, Grandma,” Red said as she zapped the elephant again.
“I’m just saying that you’re not getting any younger,” Grandma said.
“I’m just not that into flannel,” Red said.
“I surrender! I surrender!” the elephant wailed. He crawled toward the door.
Red ran ahead of him and stood in the doorway. “Not so fast, pal.”
“Look, I’m just doing my job,” the elephant said.
“You need a new line of work,” Grandma said.
“Don’t zap me again! I’m melting,” the elephant moaned.
His cell phone rang again.
* * *
Even though the sun was out, the Big Bad Wolf didn’t think it was a beautiful day.
For one thing, the magical orchestra was playing ominous music. Then there was the news report about an elephant being rushed to the hospital after a savage beating in a failed home invasion.
“As you know,” the young reporter on the news said, “elephants aren’t built for stealth.”
In his head, the wolf began to add up the legal costs for this latest debacle. The Order of Evil Fairy Tale Animals would have to file for bankruptcy.
“Maybe the King would consider a government bailout,” said another patient. “Doesn’t the government usually help bloated, evil organizations?”
The wolf coughed.
“Mr. Wolf,” said the nurse by his ear. “It’s the phone again. It’s someone from the Law Offices of Frog, Toad, and Friends.”
The wolf coughed. The pigs again.
“And there’s a bear on another line.”
The wolf reached into his pocket and pulled out a crumpled cigarette.
The Big Bad Elephant Page 2