by Doyle, S
Then Eve got pregnant and maybe that had been the first shot fired into my soul. Because I remembered when she would walk around town with Zeke right there next to her, sometimes resting his hand on her engorged belly. It hurt to look at her. Hurt to remember that feeling of standing next to the woman who was carrying my child.
Then Eli and his stupid contest and suddenly my quiet, monastic life was upended.
I needed to talk to Vivienne. I needed to explain that just because I kissed her…it meant nothing. That while I might be having these cracks in my resistance to her, there would never be anything big enough for her to get through to me.
She needed to leave me with my grief. Maybe if I explained that to her, she would make it easier for me. She would understand and back off. Hadn’t I seen sympathy in her eyes tonight?
I poured myself another drink and decided that was the way forward.
A talk with Vivienne. Once I put some distance between us and that kiss.
9
A week later
Cal
I heard the knock on my office door and looked up. Ty stood there with a weird look on his face.
“What’s up?”
He seemed to hesitate. “I’m pretty sure she’d get mad at me…”
She. Vivienne. It’d been over a week since I’d made my decision to talk to her rationally and reasonably about why it wasn’t going to work out for us. Not that I really had any idea of what she expected.
After all, she came here only looking for someone to take care of her. Other than that, maybe she didn’t have any expectations when it came to me.
Not that she hadn’t kissed me back. Or more accurately hadn’t tried to push me away when I practically devoured her in one taste.
Shit. I was supposed to be putting distance between me and that kiss so I could talk her. That wasn’t going to happen if I couldn’t stop thinking about what she tasted like.
“What about Vivienne?” I pushed him.
Again, he seemed to hesitate. “You told me to let you know about how things were for her…so I think I’m just doing my job, right?”
“Get to the point, Rodgers,” I said an uneasy feeling starting to settle in my stomach.
“Well, she’s missed work five days in a row, and I know she wouldn’t do that unless something was up. So I went to the cabin and she’s pretty sick. Seems like the flu is going around. Eli said Shelby had it, too.”
I knew that. Eli had asked to trade shifts so that he could stay at Shelby’s place and take care of her.
“I asked her what she needed…but she said it was just the flu and she’d be fine. But I don’t know. Sammy was crying pretty hard…”
I stood up. “The baby’s sick, too?”
“She didn’t say, but that cry, it didn’t sound like a normal baby cry.”
Fuck me.
“I would have pushed the issue, but truth is, Cal, I’m not sure I would know what to do for either of them. Never been around anyone sick like that who I had to take care of.”
Of course not because he was a dumb kid and Vivienne needed someone who knew what the hell they were doing. She’d been sick for how long? The missed work could have been from Shelby being sick, which could mean she was in the grip of a flu with high fevers and probably nothing to measure them with. And she hadn’t called for help.
Didn’t she realize how dangerous that was? Especially if the boy was sick, too.
“I got it,” I told him.
“She said not to say anything. Said she could handle it herself but...”
“Idiot,” I cursed under my breath. “Don’t worry about it, Ty. I got it.”
He left and I left right after him. My first stop was to the camp’s medical offices where I loaded up with everything I would need for both Vivienne and the baby. And if I made the call they were too sick, I would bring them to camp and decide if I needed to take them to Nome.
* * *
Cal
I got to Vivienne’s cabin and knocked hard. I tried the door but she’d had the good sense to keep it locked if she was inside, sick. Unable to defend herself. A roll of fear overtook me as I thought about the danger she was in. I wasn’t necessarily worried about the people of Hope’s Point, but if a bear came sniffing around and she couldn’t get to her gun…
“Vivienne!” I shouted and knocked again, harder. “Get your ass out of bed and open this door.”
I could hear the shuffling behind the door before it finally opened.
“You look like shit,” I told her. In fact, she looked like death warmed over. I didn’t stop to take a good look in her glassy eyes, which I knew meant she was spiking a fever.
I stepped around her and made my way to the crib.
“Don’t wake him,” she said hoarsely. “I just got him down.”
The cabin smelled like sick. And I could see she’d stripped the sheets off the crib but hadn’t replaced them. Too weak to take care of that basic task, no doubt.
“Sit,” I ordered when I saw her still standing by the door. She closed it and I watched her slowly make her way to the chair near the fire. She was shivering by the time she sat.
I cursed under my breath and bent over the crib. As gently as I could I placed the back of my hand against the baby’s forehead. His face was red, and I could see a crust of snot stuck to the bottom of his nose.
He was running hot. I didn’t need the thermometer to tell me he had a fever.
“I’ve got to get some aspirin in him,” I told her. I set the bag of stuff I’d brought from camp on her kitchen table. I found a bottle by the sink and filled it with some apple juice she had sitting out on the table. Dropped two low-dose aspirin in it, sealed the nipple top and shook it up. I waited until the aspirin dissolved enough then went back to the crib.
“No,” she said again. But her head was dropped against the chair and it didn’t matter if she thought to stop me or not, there was nothing she could do.
I lifted the baby out of the crib and settled him on my shoulder. I tipped the bottle into his mouth hoping that, as hot as he was, he’d also be thirsty. He didn’t even open his eyes. Just sucked on the aspirin-filled juice until it was gone.
I laid him out in the crib again, deciding he needed the rest more than he needed the sheets. I covered him with the blanket then went to see about his mother.
I took the thermometer and plopped it in her mouth. She didn’t appear to have any fight left in her because she accepted the electronic device without complaint. A few seconds later it beeped.
One hundred and one. High but not quite dangerous. I brought over the adult-dose aspirin with a cup of water for her to drink.
She accepted it with a nod and swallowed the pills.
“Couldn’t get to Gert’s,” she said, and it made me cringe to hear how her chest rattled.
Bending down, I picked her up then walked her over to the bed.
“No, I have to stay awake. In case Sammy needs me. Got sick.”
I laid her out on the bed and pulled the blankets over her. “I’ll watch him,” I told her. “You need to sleep, and I need to make sure that aspirin breaks your fever. Then we’ll talk about getting some liquid into you and more into the kid.”
“Need to do this…” she said, but her eyes were already fluttering closed.
By the time I finished tucking her in, she was asleep. The fire in the stove was dying. She probably didn’t have the stamina to go outside for more wood. So stupid to let herself get so weak.
And why the hell hadn’t Ty realized she needed help and at least made sure she had a ration of wood available?
Quietly cursing everyone under my breath, I set about putting everything in order. Wood was stacked inside within easy reach. I checked her cooler, which I knew she used as a refrigerator to keep the homemade baby food fresh. Everything was laid out with labels. Mashed sweet potatoes. Mashed carrots. Mashed peas. Applesauce.
Geez, give the kid a little something to chew on. Where were
the… I looked around the cabinet and saw a pantry shelf of food on the wall. On top were the Cheerios. Because every kid needed Cheerios.
I couldn’t see that she was missing any basics, except, of course, medicine, which was impressive. Vivienne had figured out a system of caring for her boy and herself in this rustic cabin and she wasn’t careless about it.
I thought back to those first few weeks she’d been here when I found out she’d been hoarding the food I brought her.
She was fighter, my girl. And she was fighting for this way of life with everything she had. I looked at the bed and could see she was sleeping, despite how heavy her breathing was. I checked on the kid, too. I touched his forehead and I liked to think it wasn’t quite as hot.
Then I sat in the chair and watched over the two of them, listening to each of them breathe. Content that I had them both in my sight with some semblance of control over the situation.
* * *
Vivienne
I remembered things in spurts. Feeling Sammy’s forehead and realizing he was feverish. Nearly tripping as I made my way to the toilet to get violently sick. Trying to comfort Sammy by rocking him, barely able to hold him I was so faint.
Ty, who looked so flustered when I opened the door with my messy hair, red nose and glassy eyes.
A banging on the door that woke me up…
Sammy had a fever. I needed to get up and check on him. I rolled onto my side, trying to gain some momentum to get up. I was so weak I feared my legs wouldn’t hold me.
I cracked open my eyes. The gas lantern was on in the cabin. I could feel the warmth coming off the fire. And then I heard him. Whimpering, fussing. My baby. He needed me. I needed to get to him, but what if I couldn’t lift him out of the crib? I tried to lift my head but couldn’t. I was failing Sam. He needed me and I was letting him down. What if his fever was even higher? I needed to cool him down. Snow. I needed to bring some inside. Maybe let it melt then use it to give him a cool bath. Would that reduce a fever?
How could I not know these things? I was his mother! I could feel tears leaking from my eyes, but they didn’t help. I needed to get to my baby.
Then I felt it. A heavy hand that settled on my back. “I got him. Go back to sleep.”
The tears came even harder. Caleb was doing this. Caleb was watching over Sammy. He’d been a father. He knew how to take care of a sick baby.
I heard Sam’s soft cry then Caleb’s gentle tones.
“Yeah, buddy. I know. It sucks being sick. I need you to drink all this water. That’s right.”
I could hear him pacing the cabin. He must be holding Sam, patting his back. I opened my eyes again and I could see him settling in the chair, Sam in his arms as he fell asleep on Caleb’s shoulder.
Sam had Caleb. It was all I needed to know to allow myself to drift off again.
* * *
Vivienne
I woke up and this time my teeth were chattering. This was impossible. Everything was too hot and too cold at the same time. Then I felt arms wrap around me, hands running up and down my arms to warm me up so I would stop shivering.
“You need more aspirin.”
I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. I could only feel the movement of the bed as he got out of it. Wait? Caleb was in my bed? That, somehow, didn’t make any sense.
Then I felt the touch of a cup of cool water on my lips.
Yes, please. I was so hot and thirsty. So cold and achy. I coughed and the rattling in my chest triggered another round of coughing.
“Put these in your mouth, Vivienne.”
He was handing me pills. I took them without thinking about what they were or why I needed them. I only knew the water was back on my lips and, even though it hurt to swallow, I drank as much of it as I could. When I was done, I felt those arms dragging me down onto the bed, holding me in a way that infused my body with warmth until the shivering went away.
“Sam,” I croaked.
“No fever. Resting. Go to sleep, Vivienne.”
Sam was okay. Of course he was. Caleb wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him. He knew what it was like to love a child.
God, he also knew what it was like to lose a child. How could he bear that, how could anyone? I felt the tears come again but this time they were for him. Him and the child he’d lost.
Then I felt myself drifting away not being able to fight off the sleep that wanted to claim me. I tried to fight it, I tried to stay awake long enough that I could ask him about his child, about his wife. Tell him that I understood what it was like to lose someone you loved.
But the strength left me, and the darkness was too heavy to fight.
* * *
Vivienne
I opened my eyes and could see that the sun was up. That didn’t make sense. The sun didn’t come up until after ten in the morning. I couldn’t have slept so late. Sammy would never have let me. He must be hungry. He must need his diaper changed. I lifted my head and that’s when I saw them.
At the table. Sam was in his highchair and Caleb sat across from him with a tiny spoon in his hand.
He was making noises and waving the spoon around in front of Sammy’s face until he finally got the spoon to his mouth and plopped it inside whether Sammy wanted it or not. Sam made a face, so it must have been the mashed peas Caleb was feeding him. They were his least favorite.
“Two more bites, little guy. Okay here comes the airplane. Vrrooommm and open and there you go. Who’s the champ?”
I fell back on the bed. Caleb was playing the airplane game with Sam. How did he even know that was the only way Sam would eat his mashed peas?
This time I didn’t cry. Instead, I just laid in bed and listened to the sounds of Caleb’s airplane and Sam’s satisfied food noises until I drifted off to sleep again.
10
Cal
I looked at the contraption on the floor of the cabin with its straps and buckles and said, “Fuck that.”
I didn’t need a harness to haul a kid around. I laid Sam out on the rug, changed his cloth diaper and put it in the bucket Vivienne used for dirty diapers. Then I wrestled him into his snow suit.
He must have been feeling better because he put up a significant effort until I had his feet and hands through the appropriate holes. Booties on, mittens on, hat on and we were ready to roll.
I looked over to where Vivienne was still fast asleep. I thought about leaving a note, but we were just heading to Gert’s to pick up more supplies. We wouldn’t be gone more than thirty minutes.
Once I was in my own cold gear, I picked up him up and settled him on my hip.
“You cool?” I asked him.
In response, he babbled something and swatted me on the cheek with his mitten.
We were cool.
I headed out the door and for a second as the cold air hit him, the kid got tense in my arms. As if he suddenly realized he was leaving his home without his mother.
“Dude, I’ve been cleaning up your shitty diapers for two days now. We’re not strangers anymore.”
Whether it was my words, my tone or just my general ease, the kid relaxed and we were off to Gert’s. I didn’t have a car seat so I could take him in my truck and I actually thought the fresh air might feel good to him after being stuck in a cabin that was ripe with sick.
The kid’s fever was gone, his appetite was back, and all signs pointed to a full recovery in a few days once he got his strength back.
His mother was having a harder time of it, which of course, pissed me off. I could get her to take aspirin to keep her fever from spiking and get some fluids in, but she hadn’t been awake long enough for me to feed her.
That was going to end today, even if I had force soup down her throat.
We made it in to town without anyone spotting us; however, I wasn’t so lucky at Gert’s. Zeke and Eve were there with Zeke Jr. And they were talking to Eli. As soon as the door closed behind me, they all stopped and stared at me.
“Vivienn
e and the kid were sick,” I said, lifting the kid higher up on my hip.
“How’s Vivienne?” Eli asked, walking toward me.
“Still sick. I’m pissed.”
“Shelby’s just coming out of it. But it was definitely a rough few days.”
I could see it there on his face. The anxiety, the fear. It was one thing to love someone. It was another thing to see that person sick, or in pain. To come face to face with the concept that life was fragile. And there was always risk.
Eve joined us while Zeke followed Junior who was walking around the small store on unsteady legs.
“Vivienne got it, too, huh?”
I nodded. “This guy, too, but he pulled out of it faster.”
“Well, we’re happy to take Sam for a few days. Give her a chance to recover without having to worry about him.”
Instinctively I felt my hold on the kid get a little tighter. Enough that he squirmed in my arms. I switched him from one side of my body to the other and shook my head. “I got him. Her, too.”
Eve exchanged a glance with Eli. I didn’t know what they were thinking. I didn’t care. I felt like I was in this now and I had to see it through.
“Okay, Cal. You need anything you know where we are,” Eve said.
When she left to rejoin Zeke, Eli hung around, silently debating, I knew, whether he should say whatever he was thinking.
“Out with it,” I said, thinking that the waiting was worse than the words.
“Are you sure you’re okay with him? I know…I know this is my fault in a lot of ways and I just hate…”
“You tongue-tied, Angel?”
“About this, yeah.”
I snorted. Then smiled when the kid repeated the sound I made. “I got it. Just helping out someone who needs it. It’s not like it means anything. I’ll be back at camp once Vivienne’s got her strength back.”