by Marni Mann
Oh God.
I put my arm against my stomach, needing the pressure to alleviate some of the aching. The movement made the ring on my hand sparkle, the streetlamp glimmering over the gold. It was my mother’s wedding band that my dad had given to me when he thought I was responsible enough not to lose it. I’d worn it on the plane when Jared protected me during the crash. When we made love in his bed. It’d rubbed against his fingers every time he held my hand.
Never once in all these years had I taken it off.
I couldn’t.
The band was a piece of her I wouldn’t let go of.
Because Jared had taken all the other pieces of her away from me.
I froze in the middle of the sidewalk, the gnawing tearing through my body, making it too hard to catch my breath.
Everything hurt.
My muscles were screaming, my joints burning.
I couldn’t breathe.
Because in my mind, I saw the small photo of Casey that I had been holding on to all day, and I saw Jared’s face right before the elevator door closed.
Both were like eight-inch chef knives stabbing straight into my heart.
And then I felt the vibrating.
It came from my pocket, and I didn’t know what made me reach for my phone or why I looked at the screen.
The second I did, I regretted it.
Jared: Please give me a chance to explain myself. 5 minutes—that’s all I’m asking for.
Jared: Don’t let us end like this.
I hurried to the nearest trash can and lost the remainder of what had been in my stomach. Once I felt well enough, I turned off my phone and started walking.
I just wanted to unplug from it all.
Seventy
Jared
Just because I’d shattered the heart of the woman I loved, that didn’t mean I was going to stop fighting for her. So, I texted her after she walked out of my condo and again the next morning and evening. Whether I was in the middle of work or flying, she got a message at least twice a day. Some were begging her to give me a few minutes to talk. Most just told her how much I missed her.
Because I did. So fucking much.
And that feeling only grew, as did her silence. After six days of no response, I finally heard from her.
Billie: I want answers. Nothing more.
Me: I’ll give them to you.
Billie: Come over tomorrow night at 7.
Me: See you then. Thank you, Billie.
When my hand knocked on Billie’s door at a few minutes before seven the next evening, the only thing I brought with me were my lies, and I planned on unraveling each one.
It was time she heard the truth.
Once she opened the door and I saw her expression, it reminded me of my past and of the reason I had changed my name in the first place.
That was to avoid the way I was feeling right now.
Even if I deserved it.
“Billie …” My eyes stayed on her face, taking it all in.
Gone was the girl who used to smile for me, who warmed in my presence, melted when my hands touched her.
In her place was the girl I had seen right after the plane crash.
We’d both changed.
Again.
Because of me.
“Please don’t,” she said, putting up her hand.
I hadn’t approached. I’d said nothing more than just her name. It looked like even my voice was too much for her.
“I’m sorry.”
It hurt to inhale.
To stare into her beautiful, troubled eyes.
To think this could be the last time I was ever here.
Fuck.
Billie took a few deep breaths, and then she turned around, leaving the door open so I could follow her in. I stayed several paces behind, and when she reached the living room, she stood with her back to one of the windows and faced the couch.
I accepted that as the spot where she wanted me to sit, and I put my ass on the cushion.
My hands clenched together, and I leaned forward, elbows resting on my knees. “Thank you for letting me back in—”
“You’re not back. You’re giving me answers. Let’s make that clear.”
Her eyes told me the same thing.
As did her posture.
And as much as I deserved both, seeing it didn’t make it any easier to accept.
“Where do you want me to start, Billie?”
“I want the whole story. Start at the beginning.”
The last time I had rewound this far, Billie had been too small to be in court to hear my testimony. Her father had been there instead.
I remembered the details so fucking vividly.
I glanced down and ground my palms together. “It was the end of the year. I was taking finals and playing baseball, and we were heading into playoffs. A bunch of my buddies were graduating and moving away, and I was trying to hang out with them as much as possible.”
I sat up straight, my hands dropping to the cushion on each side of me, holding it firmly. “I wasn’t sleeping very much, and I was so tired from the practices and games and just fucking going all the time. When the night of the party came, I hardly had any energy left.”
The whole evening was in my mind. I saw the kegs spread out across the grass. The kids standing around drinking. The music. Cars. Laughing.
Jesus fucking Christ, there was so much laughter that night.
“I had to get up early for practice, and I knew if I drank, it would put me right to sleep, so I filled my plastic cup with water and hung around there until one.” I pushed myself to my feet, walking in the opposite direction, giving her plenty of space. “I didn’t have a sip of alcohol at that party.”
When I looked at her again, a wave of emotion was moving through her eyes. It wasn’t the first one I had seen since I arrived, but this one hit me the hardest.
She backed up until she was flush against the window and wrapped her arms around her stomach. “Go on.”
“I don’t remember approaching the top of the hill.” I raked my fingers through my hair while she appeared to squeeze herself even tighter. “I don’t remember the moment I fell asleep.” I tugged on the ends of the strands, feeling the pain, needing it so badly. “I’ve tried. I’ve tried so fucking hard. I just can’t.”
A new level of rawness came across her face, the ache of it dripping from her eyes. The intensity of it circled my throat and strangled me, but I had to push on. I had to finish.
“The only thing I can recall from those last few seconds”—the words were stuck in my mouth; I wanted to say them, and my heart wanted to explode at the same time—“is when the car hit the pothole, causing the steering wheel to jerk from my hand, and that’s what woke me.”
“That’s when you hit the brakes.”
Hearing her say that was unlike anything I’d ever experienced. Worse than fracturing my goddamn wrist. Worse than being on Flight 88 when the drone hit the engine. Worse than when the plane was going down and crashed in the field.
It took several seconds before I could settle my chest enough to say, “Yes. You’re right.”
As soon as my lips closed, the feeling returned even stronger than before. Because it didn’t matter that I had slammed on my brakes; the car had still hit Mrs. Paige as she was crossing the road with her son. The only reason Billie had survived was because her mother had taken a few extra seconds to push the stroller, and it had gotten far enough away where it wasn’t in my track.
If she hadn’t done that, I would have had more blood on my hands.
Billie’s blood.
I unbuttoned the top of my shirt, everything feeling so goddamn tight. “After the trial, my parents packed up the house, and we moved to the West Coast.”
It was insignificant that the results of my blood work had been read in court, proving there had been no substances in my body. Or that I was declared innocent, and the charges were dropped. Portland didn’t forgive me, and the town
didn’t want us there anymore. That was the reason we’d left.
“Since my name was in every paper in New England and news channels across the country carried the story, there was only one way to keep it from following me.”
“You changed your name.” Her tone was sharper than before.
I nodded, and then I paused, deciding to admit something I hadn’t intended. “I heard little things about you over the years—the time you’d broken the state record at your swim meet, the graduation announcement that was published in the paper. Nothing substantial, just enough to know you were …”
“Alive.”
“Yes.” I felt the sweat begin to drip to my chest. “And then, a few years ago, I don’t know what the hell made me do it, but I typed your name into one of the social media sites, and your profile came up. I guess I just needed to see if you were moving forward. That you were living, not just surviving. It was selfish of me; I know that, but I saw how well you were doing and how you were building this incredible business.”
She groaned and moved over to the small table by the window. Grabbing a handful of tissues out of the box, she wiped her face.
“When my buddy decided to open an Italian restaurant that I knew had all the potential in the world, I thought of you. I’d seen the success you had brought other restaurants, and I knew you would be a good fit for his.”
Her eyes widened, and she was still patting the tissues underneath them as I saw her piece all of this together. “My God, that was you. Basil’s in San Francisco.”
I nodded. “Marcus is the owner, but you’ve been speaking to me, and I purchased our plane tickets.”
Her silence was almost as powerful as the sharpness she had used before, and she finally broke it with, “I don’t understand why you wanted me to come to California. Hire me to help your friend, fine. I get that part, sorta.” She shook her head, her stare deepening. “But to join me on the plane in the very next seat? Do you know how fucking crazy that is? That makes no sense to me at all.”
It made perfect sense to me.
I was walking again, her eyes on me like I was slithering toward her, but I was returning to the couch. “Your pictures weren’t enough. I had to see your happiness with my own eyes. I had to know you were really living. I know how fucking selfish that sounds, but that’s why I did it, why I did the whole thing.”
Her lips quivered, and I was sure mine were doing the same.
“But, Jesus, Billie, it wasn’t supposed to go any further. The plane wasn’t supposed to go down. I wasn’t supposed to have to protect you. I wasn’t supposed to be tethered to you by another goddamn crash.”
While my chest panted, I thought of the details I had left out. The darkness, the sleepless nights. The way the accident had been tormenting me every day since it happened.
She didn’t need to hear any of that.
During the pause, I watched the emotion build across her face, the tears dripping faster than before.
I was doing everything I could to stop myself from going to her, which was why when she asked, “Why did you let us happen, Jared?” I wasn’t ready for it.
I cleared my throat, trying to push the burning away, trying to clear my voice so she could really understand me. “I fought for as long as I could; you need to know that. That’s why I left the night of the gala and why it took that long for anything to happen between us.” I rubbed my palms across my eyes, feeling how fucking wet they were. “I didn’t plan this, Billie. I certainly didn’t plan on falling in love with you.”
“Oh my God … I can’t.” She pushed away from the wall and went to the other side of the living room where she paced the small space.
When she finally looked up, I saw all the different paths the tears had taken when they dripped down her cheeks.
“Were you ever going to tell me?” She sucked in a breath, and my throat clenched. “Or were you just going to promise me forever, knowing damn well that was a lie?”
I tightened my hands together, and I tried to inhale. And at the same time, I tried to stop the feelings that were pelting against the inside of my chest. “I knew once you found out, I would lose you.”
She paused long enough for her eyes to narrow and said, “This is fucked!” She took a few more paces. “So fucked!”
I ran my hand over my beard, feeling the wetness that had fallen in there.
I knew this made it all even worse, that I was even more of an asshole to say it, but I needed her to hear the last bit of truth. I took every emotion that was bursting through me, and I gave it to her, hoping it would help her forgive me. “Billie, in all these years, I’ve never loved anyone … before you.”
Seventy-One
Billie
“Fuck!” I shouted, walking away from the wall, staring at Jared by the couch.
He was telling me I was the first woman he ever loved in the same conversation that he admitted to lying, concealing his identity because he had known he would lose me.
And he was right.
“I hate you for putting us here.” I squeezed the messy bun on top of my head, trying to make sense of my thoughts. “For making me face this situation and for being so goddamn selfish.” I stared at him, every inch of me screaming, all for different reasons. “For making me fall in love with you.” I balled my fingers into fists, my tears dripping onto my shirt. “For destroying my entire family.”
I took several more steps and then moved back to the windows, retracing the same route again. The pacing eased nothing. My emotions were building even stronger instead. And when I finally turned to him, I saw how red and watery his eyes were. Part of me was pleased, and the other part wanted to wipe them. It was the biggest mindfuck.
“You lied to me,” I whispered, keeping my hands where they belonged.
“I had to.”
“That’s bullshit.” My fingers moved to my heart. It was beating so fast, aching like it had been punched. “I had every right to know who you really were, and you had no right to keep that from me.”
My palm flattened, my fingertips spreading to my throat. It was getting harder to swallow, and I was hoping like hell the pressure would help it.
“I agree, Billie. But I just wanted to protect you.”
“Jared, I wasn’t yours to protect.” There was so much emotion in my throat; even my voice was quivering. “Isn’t it ironic how the person I really needed to be guarded from this entire time was you? You destroy everything you come into contact with.”
I opened my mouth, and when I tried to take in air, I yelped. My hand went over my lips, and I could barely grip my face, as it was so wet from the tears.
“It was an accident,” he said, making sure I heard him. “I was only seventeen years old. I didn’t drink or do drugs. I fell asleep at the wheel, and it turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life.” His voice softened. “I live with that guilt every second of the day.”
With my hand still over my mouth, my nose flaring as I tried to fill my lungs, my heart broke all over again. Because in that moment, I knew it was over between us.
I’d known before he even walked in the door, but it was clearer now that I saw the guilt on his face, and I finally knew the reason for it.
It would never go away. Never dim. It would be there every time he looked at me.
For the rest of our lives.
His wounds were just too thick.
Like mine.
Jared couldn’t be the hero who had protected me from the crash and the man who had killed half of my family.
It was either one or the other.
I had to make a choice.
“I know it was an accident, but I …” My lips trembled as my chest heaved, the pain there becoming excruciating. “I can’t forgive what you did to my mother and brother.” It felt like my jaw was locking together, and I had to unglue it. “I can’t see you anymore. I can’t have you in my life. I can’t … I fucking can’t.” I hiccuped, air coming in far too fast now. I shook my head,
trying to calm myself down. “It’s over, Jared. You have to get out of my apartment.”
“Billie … I’m sorry.”
“It doesn’t matter. Go.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.” He stood, his hands grinding into his temples, his eyes pleading with mine. “If I could take that night back, I would. It’s haunted me since the moment it happened.” He swallowed, and I saw a tremble in his throat. “And I feel it every single time I look at you.”
“You lied to me,” I reminded him, making sure he didn’t expect any sympathy. “And now, you’re going to lose me.” When my belly began to churn, I put one arm around it and used the other to point at the door. “It’s time for you to go.”
“Billie, please.”
“You didn’t give me a choice when you put us on that plane together.” I didn’t know if it was anger or sadness coming through, but I felt so much of both. “Give me one now and respect what I’m asking.”
His mouth closed, and his hands stayed planted on his head.
He stared at me for several seconds, and it was the longest pause of my entire life. I felt every beat, every emotion. I was still fighting with myself—half of me wanting to tell him to run, the other half wanting to tell him to hold me because I ached so badly that I thought I was going to collapse.
“Get the hell out, Jared!”
He came closer, and my entire body tensed. My arm tightened around my stomach. I shook from trying to hold in my sobs. When I went to tell him to stop right where he was, he halted just feet away.
And then he whispered, “Good-bye, Billie.”
This was the strongest I’d felt his presence all night. The first time I was able to smell him. Where I could extend my arm forward without even bending my body and touch his chest.
And with this distance came a whole new set of emotions.
Ones I had absolutely no idea what to do with.
But the closeness only lasted a second, giving me a tiny taste of what it felt like to be near Jared Morgan. Then, he walked to my front door, and I heard it shut, the automatic lock clicking into place.