by Tara Lain
His hands shook, and flashes of white light blinked in front of his eyes. Warm water slid across his face and dripped on his jacket. Jesus, am I crying?
His phone buzzed frantically. Not now. Two more buzzes. What if it’s Kai? He pulled it from his pocket and glanced down. Mrs. O. “Hi, Mrs. Orwell.”
“Dear God, I saw it on the news. Are you all right?”
He sucked in a breath. “Trying.”
“I can’t even imagine how terrifying that must have been for you?”
He faked a laugh. Ha. Ha. “You didn’t quite prepare me for that.”
“No, and I’m sorry. Just when you find what you want, it looks as if the universe is trying to take it all away.”
“What?”
“But honestly, dear, Kai and the children will be there waiting. Have you spoken to them? Do you want me to call and let them know you’re on solid ground? They must be frantic.”
“No. No! I—Mrs. O., that was just a holiday friendship. I mean, sure, they’re all great and I’d love to see them again, but Kai has a busy life and a lot of responsibilities, and the kids have him, so no need for me to get them all stirred up. Hana’s a long way away, and they probably haven’t heard anything about the plane. They didn’t know what flight I was on anyway, so it wouldn’t cross their minds. Don’t upset them, okay?”
Silence.
“Mrs. O.?”
“I’m here.” Her voice sounded—worried? Pissed off? “Rand, dear, I know this seems odd since we’ve only known each other a short time, but we’ve shared some rather intense experiences. I care about you as if you’re my own son.”
“Thank you, Mrs. O.” He took a deep breath and started the engine on the truck.
“So I’m going to talk to you as if you’re my son.”
Uh-oh.
He heard her indrawn breath. “I want to say that if you think your relationship with Kai and those children is in any way casual, then your capacity for self-deception is far higher than I expected. You care for Lani and Aliki at least like family, and, my dear, regardless of what you might be telling yourself or anyone else, you’re madly in love with Kai Kealoha.”
His mouth opened. Shut. He turned off the engine and dropped his head on the steering wheel.
“Furthermore, I think you should get on a plane, fly back here, and tell him so.”
Someone opened the roof of the truck and poured ice water down his back. The tears that fell on their own restarted and slid silently, viciously down his face. “I—I can’t.”
“I understand. Call him and tell him, Rand.”
His voice broke. “He doesn’t want to hear it. He told me to go and leave them alone.”
“He doesn’t mean it.”
“He does. I hoped—but he means it.”
“I’m so sorry. Just know I’m here for you, dear.”
“That means a lot. You’re, uh, the only person—”
“Who knows you’re gay?”
“Yes.”
“You might be surprised. But I’ll never tell anyone unless you say it’s okay.”
“Thank you.”
“I hope to see you again—” She paused as if to say “soon,” but she didn’t. “I’ve decided to move my things here and be close to my grandchildren.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful. I know they’ll love that. And you will too.”
“Yes. I’ve let my other commitments hold me back, but now it’s time to be with the people I love most. Who knows? Maybe I’ll meet ‘the one’ here too.” He could hear the smile in her voice but couldn’t match it.
Weird how just when he had a reason to fly, he’d never be able to muster the guts to do it again.
Chapter Nineteen
“You feel like you’re home, boss? Settling back in?”
Rand cinched the saddle tighter and glanced at Danny. Funny how Danny’s long, loose-limbed body had always given Rand a jolt in the groin before, and now he hardly noticed. I’ll get over it. “Pretty much.”
“That plane thing must have been shitpants scary. I read about it online.”
“Threw me off a little.” Among other things.
“Bet your mom freaked.”
“Yeah. Things looked really bad, and I texted her. I’m not sure she’ll ever recover.” He forced a smile.
“She’ll be up here living in the bunkhouse to keep you safe.”
“Yeah. Any day.”
Danny grinned. The guy definitely defined adorable. “You ready for the onslaught?”
“Mrs. Anderson?”
“Yep.”
“As I’ll ever be.” He tried to smile. “Did everything go well on Ricky’s lessons while I was gone?”
“Yeah. The kid’s easy in the saddle but no place else.”
Rand nodded and led Horsefly out to the riding paddock for Ricky. Right on time, Mrs. Anderson strode across the gravel parking lot with Ricky beside her. As usual, the kid barely raised his eyes above the platinum blond bangs that fell over his forehead. Not unusual in a fifteen-year-old, but it seemed more—what? Permanent?—in Ricky.
Mrs. Anderson waved and flashed a red-lipstick smile. “Rand, how wonderful to see you.” She came up to him and gazed in his eyes. “We missed you.”
“Yes, sorry about that, but family first, right?” He smiled. She couldn’t disagree since she was a strong family-values supporter.
“Yes, of course.”
“I heard you did great while I was gone, Ricky.”
Ricky shrugged.
“How about you and I take our mounts out on the trail after we review what you covered last week?”
That got him to look up. He nodded and almost smiled.
Despite the fact his mother was leaning over the fence post, Ricky did a good job of showing off his trotting and cantering skills—probably because he wanted to take the trail ride.
Rand mounted Wabbit, his big Arabian, and touched his hat brim. “Mrs. Anderson, you could go get some lunch or go shopping for a while. Ricky and I will probably be about forty-five minutes.”
She waved a hand. “No problem. Enjoy. I’ll just stay and talk to Daniel.” She looked toward the stables. Ricky flashed Rand a glance that said “poor guy” all over it.
Rand nodded and clicked at Wabbit. Ricky fell in beside him, and they set off down the trail at a trot. Rand watched Ricky in the saddle. “Good job. Your seat’s developed really well. You look comfortable.”
“Thanks.”
Rand kicked it up into a canter, and Ricky hung in there, so he broke to a full gallop. Ricky’s eyes widened, but he settled into the saddle and followed. Rand waved a hand. “Good job.” He slowed gradually until they walked side by side. “You did well.”
Ricky nodded, and a small smile curved his lips—but the haunted look in his eyes dragged Rand’s mind and heart straight to Lani. He forced himself to swallow. It didn’t take much observation to understand what Danny meant about Ricky being comfortable in the saddle and nowhere else. “Did you have a nice holiday?”
“I guess.”
“Do anything fun?”
He shrugged. “How about you? Was Hawaii great?” Despite the fact that the question amounted to running off at the mouth for Ricky, he still didn’t look at Rand.
“Yeah. It was great.” Just take a breath. “Do you know that Hawaii had cowboys before we did on the mainland?”
That got his attention. “No shit?”
“Yeah. About fifty years or so. They call them paniolos. They originally came from Mexico, just like our cowboys.”
“Wow. That’s pretty cool. Did you meet any?”
Subject too painful. “A couple. So, how’s school? Are you in high school yet?”
“Uh, yeah. Tenth grade.”
“Any favorite subjects? Have you got a girlfriend?” The fucking words left his lips before they reached his brain. Damn.
As expected, Ricky tensed, and the horse whinnied and shied a little, sensing the discomfort of his rider.
&n
bsp; Rand stuck out a hand. “Sorry. That’s none of my damned business. I apologize. It’s just, I was thinking about Hawaii and said the first stupid thing people always ask me. I really am sorry.”
Ricky nodded, and they rode quietly. “Do people ask you that shit too?”
“All the time, except at my age they want to know when I’m getting married and having kids. It drives me crazy.”
“I’ll bet. I just hate it that all anybody cares about is your sex life.”
“So true.”
The breeze blew cool, almost cold, which contrasted with the sharp heat of the sun on the back of Rand’s neck. Ricky stared up at some birds, then looked back at the trail. “I don’t like girls.”
Don’t assume anything. “Yeah, they can be damned annoying, can’t they?”
Three beats of silence. “You know that’s not what I meant, right?”
“Yep.”
“I’m gay.”
“That’s great.” Rand looked at Ricky and grinned. “Do you have a boyfriend?” Ricky’s mouth opened, and Rand held up a hand. “Really, just joking. None of my business. Have you told your mom?”
Ricky shook his head.
“She’s crazy-making, but she really loves you.”
Ricky looked surprised and snorted.
“The only reason she flirts with men is because she’s looking for a new dad for you.”
He cocked his head. “You see that?”
“Yeah.”
“But shit, that’s why I can’t tell her. Jesus, Rand, she worries about me night and day. If she thinks every time I leave the house I’m gonna be the victim of some hate crime, I don’t know which of us will go crazy first.”
“You’ve got to tell her, Ricky. Come on. Think of all the gay kids who’d get killed or thrown out of their homes if they come out. That’s not going to happen to you. She loves you. She’ll stand behind you—” His hand grabbed his own chest. Shit, are you listening to this, McIntyre?
“You mean I need to honor those other kids by coming out?”
Rand nodded. He couldn’t get out the words—Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.
They rode quietly for a while. Ricky cleared his throat. “So, you don’t think she’ll freak?”
“She might. But within a week, she’ll be the head of the local PFLAG group and organizing Pride parades.”
Ricky laughed. “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
“Do you think you’d be happier if she knew?”
“Yeah. I just don’t want to hurt her, you know?”
“Being gay’s not easy, but if it’s who you are—” He shrugged.
“Yeah. It’s really shitty being in the closet. I mean, there’re a lot of gay guys at school. It’s even kind of cool to be gay.”
“Things are changing.” But not in his life. “So if you need somebody to talk to or anything, feel free to call me, okay?”
“Thanks.” Ricky looked over at Rand. “You’re really great about this. I mean, a lot of cowboys are really shitty about gay guys.”
“I know.” Fuck, do I know.
The ranch buildings came into sight over the rise. Since the trail narrowed, they fell into single file with Ricky at the front. Mrs. Anderson’s SUV shone silver in the late morning sun.
Suddenly Ricky looked back. “Thanks, Rand. By the way, I do have a boyfriend. He’s great.” He grinned, dimples flashing—the first full smile Rand had ever seen from him. Ricky kicked his horse into a trot and waved at his mom as he arrived in front of the stables.
She smiled and waved back, looking a little amazed. “Hi, dear. You look really heroic up there on that horse.”
He swung out of his saddle. “Thanks. Hey, can we go get something to eat? I want to talk to you.”
“Oh. Sure, dear. I’d love that.” Her wide eyes said he’d never know how much.
Fifteen minutes later, Rand stood at the stable door and watched Ricky drive off with his mother. Surreal. Did I just have that conversation? Who made me gay Yoda? Fuck! But Ricky had seemed like a new kid as he crawled in the car, like the weight of California had just gotten lifted from his shoulders.
“Hey, boss, you okay?”
“What?”
Danny put a hand on his arm. “You look a little shell-shocked. Everything all right?”
“Uh, yeah. Fine.”
“Ricky sure looks like he got a lot out of your trail ride.”
“He’s a good kid.”
Danny grinned and chewed a piece of straw he held between his teeth. “You know something? Your mom’s right.”
He blew out a fast breath. “About what?”
Danny cocked his head. “You should be a father. I’ve never seen anybody better with kids than you.”
Rand swallowed hard and tried not to feel Aliki’s arms around his neck. “Thanks. I guess.”
Danny stared at his boots. “I reckon that’s why I came to work here.”
Rand punched Danny’s arm gently. “Hey, man, I love ya, but I’m not old enough to be your father.”
Danny looked sideways at him. “No, but if I’d had a brother like you, life might have been one fuckload better.” He flashed the sassy grin. “I took this job because I figured it might be the first good luck I ever had.” He winked. “Thanks, Lucky.” Laughing, he spit out the straw and sauntered back into the stable.
Rand glanced around the corner into the dim light of the building. If every equine in there turned out to be a unicorn, it wouldn’t make this day one bit weirder.
“Kai, baby, are you really okay?”
Kai pulled the cap farther over his forehead to block the sun. On the sixth version of that fucking question, Audrey doesn’t deserve an answer.
“Lani, why is your brother so sad?”
Shit! He opened his eye to tell Audrey to mind her own business and leave his kids alone, just in time to see Lani shrug, glance toward him, and say softly, “I think he misses his friend.”
Double shit! “Audrey, I told you six times, I’m fine. I just have shit on my mind. Leave Lani alone. She doesn’t get to come to the beach much.” He waved a hand. “Lani, go check on Aliki before he drowns.”
Lani gave him a look but walked down the green sand beach toward where Aliki was throwing a Frisbee with a couple of other locals.
Audrey stalked over to him. “You’re not a helluva lot of fun lately.”
“Fun’s not my job.”
She squatted down beside him, her generous chest spilling out of the top of the bikini. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m just worried about you.”
He turned up his lips. “I know. Thanks for caring.”
“Is it what Lani said? Do you miss Rand?”
He shrugged. “Sure. He’s a good guy. The kids love him.” He pressed a hand against his chest, then dropped it.
“Yeah.” She stared out at the surf rolling onto the beach. Lots of locals hung out here since this beach wasn’t as well known to tourists. “Great dancer too.”
“Yeah.”
“You two just have a lot in common. Dancing. Cowboying.”
Stop this fucking line of thought. “But I’m mostly worried about some shit with Aliki’s teacher.”
She plopped her butt on the sand. “Oh no. What’s up?”
He raised a shoulder. “Just some old bitch who thinks Aliki’s hyper.”
“Well, what does she know?”
“Exactly.”
She leaned back and raised her face to the sun, eyes closed. “I thought you might be worrying about how Rand was recovering from that terrible airplane scare.”
“What?”
She lowered her head and opened her eyes. “Yeah, you know. That landing gear thing that happened on the flight from Kahului. I’m pretty sure that had to be Rand’s flight. I mean, not that many planes go to Sacramento, right?”
He frowned so hard it hurt. “I don’t know about this.”
“You must have heard about it. Hell, it was on the local news. Something about the land
ing gear didn’t go down and they had to do the whole brace-your-ass thing, but the landing gear held up and everyone got off safely.”
Couldn’t breathe. Holy shit, Rand would have been terrified. He jumped to his feet. Need to call him.
Audrey struggled up beside him, nearly falling out of her suit. “You really didn’t know?”
He shook his head and scanned the beach. “Lani!” He waved his arms.
“What are you going to do?”
Good fucking question. I’ve got to know how he is. “Call him, I guess. Fuck, Audrey, the guy saved my life.”
“Well, if he means so much to you, how come you haven’t called him since he went home? I mean it’s been a long time, dude.” She crossed her arms.
“I know. I got busy and shit.” He waved at Lani, who looked back toward him. He motioned for her. She started to leave Aliki, and he shook his head, so she turned and spoke to Aliki, who obviously didn’t want to leave.
“Damn it.” He set out toward the surf line.
Audrey shuffled along beside him. “If you want to call him, call him.”
“The reception’s not good here.”
“Hell, it’s not good anywhere.”
He came up beside Lani and Aliki. “Sorry, guys, but I need to go home.”
“Awwww, Kai. This is fun.” Aliki frowned and slammed a foot into the wet sand, then looked up at Kai. He seemed to see something, because he turned and tossed the Frisbee back at one of the other kids. “Hey, brah, I gotta go. See ya.”
Lani and Aliki fell in beside Kai, picking up their pace to match his.
Audrey scampered beside them. “So I’ll maybe see you later? Are you coming dancing tonight?”
“Probably not.”
“Aww, you haven’t been to the club in weeks.”
“Just don’t feel like it.”
“I know I’m not as good a dancer as the cowboy.” She said that with a pout.
Fuck! Rand spun on Audrey, but Lani reached out and touched her arm. “Sorry, Audrey. We have to go.”
Something about that calm Lani certainty got through to Audrey. She nodded. “Oh yeah, I understand. I’ll see you soon, okay?”