by Tina T. Kove
I had Ben’s words firmly implanted in my mind, but I couldn’t very well tell Andreas that the consensus for Glenn’s dislike of me was because Glenn fancied Andreas.
I also couldn’t tell him that Glenn disliked having me around because we’d been fucking around last summer and I was probably just a bad memory to him. Someone he slummed it with for two weeks until he came to his senses.
Spilling both of those would certainly cement Glenn’s eternal hatred of me, and though it didn’t look promising at all as of now, that still wasn’t something I was willing to risk.
Besides, if Glenn fancied Andreas… then that was his secret to keep, not mine to blurt out. If anything, his dislike of me was understandable. I was the guy who had the one Glenn could never have. I would dislike me too if our positions were reversed.
If it was true, then Glenn couldn’t be feeling so good right about now. If I’d been in love with Andreas, but hadn’t been able to have him… that would suck.
‘Want to go back out?’ he asked, but he didn’t seem particularly interested in moving. He was still pressed up against me.
‘Yeah.’ I’d have him in bed soon, and nothing could stop us from having our way with each other. Doing it in the toilet… it was a hot thought, but I didn’t think it’d be so hot in reality. Better to wait for a proper bed.
He kissed me again, long and deep, before he stepped back.
A guy who’d been lounging against the sink cast us a long look before going into the stall we’d left.
I hurried after Andreas out into the club proper, and we headed over to the bar to buy more beer. I was only tipsy, so I could still drink. That wouldn’t take away from what I had planned later at all, as long as I, or him for that matter, didn’t get too drunk.
I went outside to get some fresh air. The air inside the club was stifling, but nothing else could be expected of a full club.
Andreas was been busy chatting with Peter and Leo, and Sarah was dancing with another girl she’d met. So I slipped quietly outside, relishing the peace and—relative—quiet.
I walked to the side of the building, where it was dark and not crowded. I breathed in deeply from the crisp, cold winter air. Snow piled high behind the building, but where I stood it’d been shuffled away, so I could lean against the building itself.
I took my phone out to check the time. It wasn’t even twelve—though it was close, so there were still two hours until they closed the bars. Three until they closed the entire club. I hoped we wouldn’t be here until three, though. I was already tired, and ready to get Andreas home in bed so we could have some intimate time together.
‘Hey.’
A hand clamped down on my shoulder—and I cowered. I knew we shouldn’t have gone out of that stall together when there were people in the toilet, that guy had looked at me for a lot longer than what was necessary and now he was here to deal with the one who was the smallest and couldn’t—
‘Hey, Alex.’
The hand left my shoulder, but in the next instant, someone was in front of me, and hands gripped both of my shoulders.
I couldn’t breathe.
Why—Whenever it was obvious to the public that Andreas and I were a couple, something bad happened—
‘Alex? Hey.’
The hands on my shoulders shook me gently and the panic lifted in momentary surprise.
I blinked up at whoever was in front of me, and when he tilted his head just so and the streetlight caught him, I saw that it wasn’t the guy from the toilet.
It was Glenn. I wasn’t sure if that was cause for more panic or not, but I calmed down.
‘You okay?’ Glenn slowly withdrew his hands as if he wasn’t sure he should. He looked at me as if I was a scared animal he had to tip-toe around so it wouldn’t bolt. I reckoned I must have been, going into a complete panic from his hand on my shoulder.
What if it had been Andreas? Would I have freaked out then, too?
‘I’m fine.’ I could hear my voice shook, and I bet he could as well. ‘You startled me.’ My hands trembled, too, for that matter.
‘I’m sorry.’ He took a step back, and now his face was in shadow again. I wondered if he could see me clearly, and if he did, what kind of expression I was wearing. ‘I didn’t mean to scare you.’
Really? I couldn’t help but think. Had he not meant to do it?
‘Look. Alex.’ He lifted one hand to scratch at the back of his neck, and he didn’t seem to be able to stand still. ‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry.’
‘You already did.’
‘No, not for now.’ He sounded annoyed. ‘Sorry for everything before. I’ve been a real arse towards you, and—well, I’m sorry about that.’
I stared at him. Rather, at his dark shape in front of me, since I couldn’t see him clearly.
‘Marcus…’ He swallowed heavily. ‘I swear I didn’t set him on you. I did mouth off to him, but he was being a dick and I just wanted to get him off my back. I know that’s no excuse. But in my defence, I couldn’t possibly know he’d do what he did. I swear, Alex. I didn’t know.’ It was his voice that shook now, and instead of scratching at his neck, he constantly ran his fingers through his hair.
‘I know.’ I had always known Glenn hadn’t meant for his brother to attack me. ‘The day after, I could see that you didn’t know. It came as a surprise to you.’ I could still picture the look on his face when he’d realised what had happened. I could still see him and Andreas, fighting each other.
‘I’m not like my brother. I don’t want to be like him.’ Glenn took a step forward, so I could see his face in the light from the street lamp again. ‘But I know I’ve acted shitty towards you, even after what Marcus did, and I’m sorry for that too.’
Oh my god. Glenn was apologising for being an arse for the last month and a half. He was saying nothing about last summer, but I figured I had to take what he would give. I wasn’t sure I believed it either.
Maybe I was so drunk I was hallucinating—but I had calmed down my drinking after my depressive bout in the toilets.
‘It’s okay.’ What else could I say? Glenn was apologising. The same guy Andreas had said, only an hour or so ago, was too stubborn to admit he was wrong.
‘It’s not.’ He hung his head. ‘I was a real arse towards you and that’s just not okay.’ He glanced up at me, then quickly away. ‘Why were you so scared just now?’
My hands started shaking again just by the mere thought of everything that had gone through my head when he grabbed me.
‘Because—’ How was I supposed to explain it? Honestly, would be best. ‘Because I thought you were going to hurt me.’ I bowed my head, ashamed to admit it. ‘That day, with your brother… Andreas and I kissed and they saw. They didn’t like it and then—well. And earlier, we were in the toilet. Just talking, but we were in a stall together, and when we got out, this guy looked at me, at us, really long and hard and I just thought—I thought you were him.’
I didn’t know why I was admitting this to Glenn of all people, but the words kept tumbling out of my mouth. I was unable to stop them. ‘I pose the least threat, after all. I’m not all fit and bulked up, like you guys. I’m an easy target.’
‘Hey…’ Glenn swallowed again. I watched his Adam’s apple bob; I didn’t dare look further up. ‘Just because my brother’s a bigoted arsehole doesn’t mean that everyone is. Yeah, sure, maybe that guy looked at you because he figured you were gay, being in a stall together like that and all, but most people don’t care.’
‘I’m afraid of touching my boyfriend in public.’ There it was. Laid out for Glenn to hear. This was something I should talk to a therapist about—if I ever got one. ‘I’m afraid it’ll happen again.’
‘It won’t.’ Glenn shook his head ferociously. ‘Marcus is crazy. Most people don’t care if you’re gay or straight, as long as it’s not their business. People only care about themselves, and the freaks that do mind and are capable of what he did… well, they’re usually lo
cked up.’
‘Marcus isn’t.’ Going to the police had served nothing. He was still out there. There was no case against him. Just as Andreas had said—and Marcus himself had said that night—there’d been no evidence, no video cameras, no witnesses.
‘He will be.’ Glenn sounded certain of it, but I wasn’t.
He’d been careful enough not to hurt me too badly. That would’ve been harder to explain. But a cut to my forehead, and scraped on my hands and knees… well, that wasn’t serious enough to warrant suspicion. As Marcus had said, I could’ve easily tripped and gotten those injuries.
I completely understood why Glenn kept his sexuality under wraps. He had to be gay, or at least bi, right? He’d slept with at least two guys that I knew off. One being me. Or maybe he just identified as straight anyway.
Hell, I didn’t know. I didn’t know. And there was no use thinking about it. He’d never tell me anyway.
‘I just wanted to say I’m sorry.’ Glenn shuffled uncomfortably again when I didn’t say anything.
I nodded, still not knowing what to say. I hated that I wasn’t good at speaking words. If only I wrote everything down, that was so much easier.
Glenn swallowed so hard I was afraid something had stuck in his throat. ‘Andreas is lucky.’ With that, he buried his hands in his pocket and walked away, with one final glance over his shoulder at me.
I stared after him, unable to comprehend for a second what had just taken place.
Glenn, apologising.
Glenn, complimenting me?
That last one was the most incomprehensible part of it all.
Andreas was lucky… but why was he lucky? For being with me? Surely not. Maybe for simply having someone special? Yeah, that made more sense.
Once Glenn rounded the corner of the building and I couldn’t see him anymore, I finally moved too. It was cold outside and though I was bundled up in my jacket, I couldn’t stay outside and stand still for long before freezing to death.
I only managed to round the corner myself, however, before Sarah was in front of me.
She grinned up at me, slightly drunk and lopsided, as I caught her by the shoulders.
‘Oh, hey, Alex. I want to go home,’ she said, putting her index finger right in the middle of my chest. What that was good for I had no idea, but it made sense to her drunk brain.
‘You want me to go home with you?’ I frowned down at her, unsure what she wanted.
‘No.’ She drew the word out and it sounded thoughtful. Her gaze flickered too before settling on me again. ‘No. I want you to convince your boyfriend to go home, and then mine will follow, too. They’re like sheep. They move in a flock. He doesn’t want to leave his friends behind. Not even to go home with me.’ She blew out an exasperated breath. ‘If I’d been me—I mean, if I’d been him, I would’ve liked to go home with me, right? Especially knowing I put out.’ She jabbed her finger against my chest at the last two words.
A startled laugh left me. ‘How much have you had to drink?’ Sure, Sarah and Peter were usually all over each other, but I didn’t think she was the kind of girl to talk about her sex life out loud to guys she didn’t know.
Maybe she did with her girlfriends, but I did belong in that category.
‘A bit too much.’ She held her thumb and index finger slightly apart, squinting at them.
‘I can see that.’ I turned her around but kept my hands on her shoulders as I steered her towards the entrance. ‘But I’m all for going home, so I’ll help you.’
She threw me a lewd look over her shoulder. ‘You want to put out too, huh?’
I both blushed and chuckled at that. I couldn’t deny it, though, because that would have been a thorough lie. And I wasn’t fond of lying. Keeping things to myself, perhaps, but flat out lying? No way.
‘We’re both getting some tonight.’ She giggled. It sounded strangely girly and childish coming from her. Sarah wasn’t the type to giggle. Clearly, the alcohol brought it out in her.
‘Yeah. We are.’ There was no use denying it.
Thursday, February 21st
I heard footsteps padding towards me and I turned to find Andreas approaching, chest bare and clad in only his joggers. The sight stunned me for a moment, even if I had seen him naked not long ago.
‘Why are you up?’ I turned back around to fill the glass I’d been holding with water.
‘Had a dream.’ Andreas came up behind me and slid his arms around my waist. ‘Why are you up?’
‘Couldn’t sleep.’ I shut off the tap and took a long swallow. ‘Water?’ I offered the glass to him over my shoulder and he drank too. ‘What were you dreaming about?’ I’d thought he’d be exhausted after a day on the slopes, the drinking, and then our activities in bed once we got back.
I should’ve been fast asleep too, after the pounding he’d given me, but I couldn’t stop thinking about earlier, about the way I’d panicked, and the incident that caused it all.
Most of all, I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened after.
‘It was a dream.’ He nuzzled my neck. ‘About that night.’
Seemed it was keeping him awake too. That was unusual. Andreas always slept well. I was the one who had trouble with sleep from time to time. Not that I ever bothered him with it—and not that he ever noticed. Except, for now, it seemed.
I put the glass down on the counter and turned around in Andreas’s arms, so I could face him.
‘I had a major freak out earlier.’ I told him what happened in a low voice. I didn’t think anyone else was awake this late—or early, depending on how you looked at it—but it was best to be careful. ‘I know it’s not rational, or—I don’t know. It was a strange reaction. I don’t know what happened, really.’
‘You were drunk and standing out in the dark and was freaking out over some guy seeing us come out of a toilet stall together.’ Andreas listed that up without even having to think about it. ‘Having experienced what you did, I’d say it’s a normal reaction.’
‘I got a cut on my forehead,’ I argued, still feeling I had overreacted. ‘It wasn’t even a serious cut.’
‘But serious enough to need sutures.’ He looked down at me, all kinds of calm. ‘And you were afraid. I was too. The situation we were in… it was scary. Marcus could’ve done a lot worse than what he did and I knew that.’
‘I didn’t.’ I shrugged. ‘I just… yeah, I was scared.’
‘It was a traumatic experience.’ Andreas lent in, nuzzling my cheek. His hands ran up my arms.
That was when I remembered my arms were bare. I’d only donned a T-shirt before leaving the bedroom, deeming it safe not to search for my jumper seeing as it was so late.
Andreas never minded encountering scars.
Maybe I should start believing him when he said he didn’t care about them.
‘What did you dream about? Anything in particular from that night?’
‘All fiction.’ He shook his head slightly. ‘I dreamt Marcus did more than just scratch you up a little. It wasn’t nice. The definition of a nightmare.’
I shuddered at that.
Marcus could’ve easily done more than just slam me to the ground. He hadn’t, thankfully, but I didn’t want to tempt destiny by facing him again.
He scared me, it was that simple. Even at work, I was worried, though I was pretty sure he wouldn’t do anything in a place where there were other people and cameras all around.
‘We should put it behind us.’ As if it was that easy. I knew it was what I should do, it was just that it was easier said than done.
‘Yeah.’ Andreas sighed and took a step back, one hand coming up to rub at his chin.
Him stepping away wouldn’t do.
I slipped my index fingers into the waistband of his joggers, which were barely hanging onto his hips. His dick was outlined in them, more so than usual.
‘Are you naked under there?’ He had to be.
‘Are you trying to distract me?’ He pulled me in close,
clearly not minding that he was being distracted.
He had distracted me first anyway by going commando, so there was that.
‘Is it working?’ His skin was warm and soft against my fingers.
‘What do you think?’ He grabbed my arse and pushed my hips against his.
‘It is.’ I cupped him with one hand while the other travelled up his back, feeling the ridges of his spine. His balls were tight and his dick was rising. ‘Back to bed?’
‘How about doing it right here?’ He spun me around and pressed me up against the dining table.
I jumped up on it since it was more comfortable to sit than have the edge cutting into my bum. I spread my legs to accommodate Andreas between them.
‘You want to do it here?’ I looped my arms around his neck.
‘Why not? No one else is around.’ He glanced around as if to prove it, then grinned at me. ‘We’ve never done it anywhere that isn’t a bed or a shower.’
‘You’re mad.’ But I couldn’t help but smile.
‘I like to think of it as adventurous.’
‘This isn’t our home.’ It would feel weird to have sex on someone else’s property. Sure, the bed wasn’t ours either, but a bed was a bed, and there’d probably been other people who’d had sex in it, anyway.
Andreas’s eyes sparkled. ‘Are you saying that when we get our own home, we can fuck wherever we want to?’
‘Of course. Because it’ll be our home. We can do whatever we want.’ I leant in to kiss him softly.
‘I cannot wait until we get a place of our own.’
I bit my lip. ‘It’ll be a while, though, won’t it?’
‘Next autumn. Once I’m done in the army, we can move in together. We can do whatever we want.’
‘You want to go to the Police Academy.’ It was a statement, but somehow it sounded like a question.
Andreas nodded. ‘In Oslo. Don’t you want to study? Oslo has the most to choose from. Whatever you want, basically.’