by Brent, Cora
We haven’t really had much of a chance to chat since this whole whirlwind romance started. I open the sliding glass doors and she moves her head at the sound.
“Care,” she says, breaking into a smile.
I pull a patio chair close to her, take a seat and primly fold my hands in my lap.
“So,” I say. “What’s new?”
“What’s new?” She cracks up, mimicking me. “I think you have a bigger answer to that question than I do. You and Jay, huh? I’m impressed. You guys have been screwing like you’re trying to break a world record.”
I feel myself blushing. “He’s amazing.”
She pokes my leg. “You’re more amazing.”
My hands twist together in my lap. “Lana, I need to tell you something. I already knew him. I knew him a long time ago, back when we were kids. I probably should have told you but he seemed like he wanted to keep it a secret.”
She’s already waving her hand. “Doesn’t matter. Shane told me all about it.” She pushes her sunglasses up and gazes at me wistfully. “It’s kind of like fate or something, isn’t it?”
“Maybe it is,” I say but I’m not really thinking about the question. I’m noticing that her eyes are red and puffy.
“Where’s your boy now?” she asks.
“In the house getting dressed.” I pause. “Where’s yours?”
She shrugs. Then sighs.
“We’re going out to breakfast,” I tell her. “Why don’t you come with us?”
“No thanks, babe. I don’t really have much of an appetite and you guys should be alone together.”
I’m about to launch a counterargument when Jay appears. He’s wearing jeans and a plain black t-shirt. He’s freshly shaven and his hair is combed. He looks incredible. He stops in his tracks and gives me a once over. He smiles. I swear my heart can see his smile. It performs a somersault every single time.
When he approaches I automatically reach for him and our fingers connect. He finally notices that Lana is here too. I watch him observe the redness of her eyes and his jaw tightens. But when he speaks he keeps his voice casual.
“Hey Lana. How are you doing?”
“I’m good, Jay.” She bobs her head but her smile doesn’t reach her eyes. “And you’ll be doing good as long as you take care of my girl. Otherwise I’ll be personally kicking your ass.”
“I’m sure that’s more than enough to keep me in line,” he says. He glances at me and then back at Lana. “Where’s Shane? His truck’s gone and he’s not answering texts.”
Lana plays with a section of her black hair and frowns. “He said he had something he needed to go out and do. I asked him questions and he got mad. So I’m just laying out here until it’s time for work.”
“You sure you don’t want to come out to eat with us?” I ask. “I’ll buy you that stuffed French toast that you like so much.”
“You guys go ahead.” Lana flips her sunglasses down and settles back in her chair. “I’m fine here.”
Jay raises an eyebrow at me and I give a helpless little shrug. Whatever is going on with Lana and Shane, she’s not willing to talk about it.
Breakfast has become more like brunch and we take our time at the old fashioned eatery close to campus. Summer session at Hutton State is in full swing now and while there aren’t nearly as many students milling around as there are during the regular semester, there are still plenty of college kids in sight. A lot of them are girls, pretty girls, but when they shoot interested looks in Jay’s direction he doesn’t appear to notice them. Jay makes me feel like there’s no one else in the room but me.
He’s willing to let me pick the day’s activities so I choose the butterfly conservatory; a place I’ve always wanted to go since arriving for school in Hutton. I wouldn’t expect a big, gruff guy to be all about butterflies but Jay is intrigued by the idea and looks at the pictures when I pull up the site on my phone. I can’t get over how different he seems from the surly character who pretended we’d never met.
The conservatory has a magical feel to it. There are colorful flowerbeds everywhere while butterflies flutter above our heads and then gracefully settle on bright blossoms before taking flight again. Jay remains close to me and touches the small of my back now and then. We stand before a window beneath the words ‘Butterfly Nursery’ and within the display on the other side are rows of tiny hanging cocoons. While we are watching, an insect face emerges through the end of a cocoon and begins unfolding long wings. Jay wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls me close. I lean into him, more sure by the minute that this is exactly where I’m meant to be.
I know I’m falling hard and fast.
I don’t care.
I’m enjoying the ride.
And I refuse to consider the possibility of crashing.
After the butterflies I want him to choose something to do. He suggests the movies. He still likes superhero films. I insist on buying the largest tub of popcorn at the concession stand and wrinkle my nose at him when he laughs that there’s no way we’ll be able to finish all of that. The movie is the same one that I got bored with and walked out on the other day but Jay doesn’t need to know that. I’m not bored now. I rest my head on his shoulder and gobble popcorn while supernaturally powerful heroes save cities from supernaturally powerful villains.
A few times throughout the day I notice him checking his phone and frowning. I don’t think for a second that he’s contacting another girl. This has something to do with Shane. And with Lana’s teary eyes.
For dinner we get giant takeout salads, which is Jay’s idea because even though he likes his red meat now and then, he’s a healthier eater than I am. Maybe being with him will persuade me to acquire better habits.
At home Shane has returned and Lana is already home from work. They are grilling burgers and they appear to be getting along just fine now. Lana’s hugging him around the waist while he flips meat on the grill. We all eat together outside and there’s no talk of anything distressing. There are some bookkeeping items I need to discuss with Shane since he has a habit of cheerfully putting me off but I don’t want to be a downer and bring up boring business when everyone’s having a good time.
Shane likes to tell stories and his stories are always funny. He tells us about the time he set fire to the apartment he was sharing with Jay when he stuck his socks in the microwave to dry them off. And then there was the time he was working on a construction crew and accidentally cemented himself to a brick wall. Jay needed to chisel him free. I’m not real clear on how that’s possible and in all likelihood he’s embellishing but it’s funny anyway.
Dusk has long since settled and someone a few streets away sets off a barrage of illegal fireworks, probably practicing for the Fourth of July in two weeks.
Lana and Shane head inside the house first. They say goodnight and Shane’s got his arm around her as they go indoors.
More fireworks light up the sky and I reach for Jay’s hand.
“Do you want to go in?” I ask him, already excited about the prospect of spending another night in his arms.
Jay pulls me into his lap. He kisses me long and deep, stroking my jawline with his thumb.
“Your room or mine?” he whispers.
We decide on mine. I haven’t done a thing to pack for my short trip to Dallas but I can do that after Jay leaves for work at the bakery early in the morning. My flight isn’t until eleven and I’ve already arranged for a car to pick me up at nine thirty to drive to the small airport for my direct flight to Dallas. I’m looking forward to seeing my parents but at the same time I wish I didn’t have to leave him. Two days suddenly seems like an agonizingly long time to spend without his kiss.
Jay removes his shirt and jeans and sits on the bed in his boxers to wait for me while I drag my overnight bag out of the closet. I just want to have it readily available so I can hastily pack in the morning.
“You really like to hang posters, don’t you?” he says, surveying my walls.
It’s true. My bedroom walls are covered with dog posters and flower posters and Hutton State University posters and a poster of a mermaid lying on an empty beach. The last one is my favorite.
“You could borrow some,” I offer. “Since you have absolutely nothing on your walls.”
He stretches. “I don’t have shit on my walls at my apartment either.”
His apartment. The one in Phoenix. The city he really lives in. I’m reminded that his stay in Hutton is only supposed to be temporary. This is an upsetting thought.
“Do you miss it?” I ask him.
“What?”
“Your apartment. Phoenix.”
“No. It’s not a place to be sentimentally attached to. It’s a place to be anonymous in.”
“Is your mother still there?”
He looks at a dog poster. I wonder if he’s thinking. He doesn’t speak so I ask another question.
“That’s where you went right after you left Arcana, right?”
“Yeah,” he says in a low, flat voice, still looking at the dog poster. Now he’s got a slight scowl on his face. “That’s where I went.”
I drop my overnight bag, kick off my sandals and sit beside him on the bed. I touch his bare muscled thigh.
“You can talk to me,” I say, stroking his skin. “I know that painful things have happened to you but you can tell me anything.”
He quits looking at the dog poster and kisses me. There’s a hard, almost angry level of passion in his kiss and he gets me on my back while shoving the skirt of my dress up over my hips. I’m not complaining because I want him and I open my legs, wrapping them around his body. His lips have moved on to my neck now and he’s sucking hard, teasing me with his teeth.
And yes, of course I want him.
It’s just that I want him so much that I want more from him than this.
“Wait.” I brace my palms on his chest and push. “Jay, let’s talk. Let’s be real.”
He backs off but he’s still hovering over me. “You think I’m not being real with you, Caris?”
“I think you’re incredible.” I slide out from underneath him and sit up on the bed. The strap of my dress has fallen from my shoulder and I move it back in place. “And I am so crazy about you I can hardly breathe. I just don’t want there to be secrets between us. We should be able to share things that matter.”
“You mean like we used to,” he mutters. He rises from the bed and takes a couple of steps away from me before turning around. He’s being careful with his expression right now. I can’t tell what he’s thinking at all.
“Would that be so bad?” I ask. “Two people should be able to confide in each other when they’re in a relationship.”
“And you know this because of all the relationships you’ve had? Or did you just read that shit in a book or something?”
I feel my eyes narrow. “You don’t have to be rude to get your point across.”
“I’m not him, Caris.”
“Who?” I’m alarmed, thinking he’s talking about his grandfather. Or his father. Or his brother. There’s a terrible multiple choice selection who could qualify as ‘him’.
“I’m not little Johnny fucking Hempstead who’s afraid of his own shadow and gets the crap kicked out of him wherever he goes.”
His words make me wince.
“No one is the same person they were at age thirteen,” I mumble.
“You are,” he fires back. “I mean, yeah, you’re taller and a whole lot sexier now but for the most part you’re still the same naïve little girl.”
I feel a flash of anger. “That’s a bullshit thing to say. You think you’re superior because your life has been harder than mine? My childhood wasn’t exactly perfect either.”
“Then let’s just agree not to talk about our shitty childhoods from now on.”
I fold my hands in my lap and take a deep breath. “I don’t expect you to tell me everything but I don’t want you to shut me out either. And I’m afraid that no matter how hard I try you’ll only let me in so far.”
He rubs his face and shakes his head. “What we have right now is something I’ve never had with anyone.”
My heart lifts. “You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.”
“Then why isn’t it good enough?”
“Because I’m greedy. I don’t just want your body. I want to know your heart and your mind too.”
He snorts. “So you’re saying you don’t want to fuck me unless I spill my guts to you three times a day?”
“You’re being an asshole again.”
“Born and bred, right? No escaping it.”
“That’s not what I was thinking. I have never treated you like a Hempstead.”
The words come out wrong. I wish I could take them back.
“Like a Hempstead,” he repeats and spits out a nasty laugh. “All of us rapists, murderers and psychos, right?”
“No! I meant that I’ve never for a second looked at you differently because of crimes that were committed by your grandfather and your father before you were born. And as far as what Rafe did to my aunt, that had nothing to do with you either.”
“What Rafe did,” he echoes while raking a hand through his short hair. The look he throws my way is full of disbelief. And scorn. “Jesus fucking Christ.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me.” He laughs with no humor. “You’re spending all this energy trying to pry my mind open when obviously what you really need to do is to talk to your own goddamn family.”
His last sentence throws me for a loop.
“Huh?”
“Talk to your fucking father, Caris! Maybe he’ll even tell you the truth.”
The words sting even if I don’t understand them. I lose my temper. “Oh shut the hell up, Johnny!”
His face turns to granite and it takes me a minute to realize my mistake.
“Jay,” I correct myself. “I meant Jay.”
“I have an idea.” He swoops down and grabs his clothes off the floor. “How about you let me know when you’re tired of living in the past? Don’t take too long or I might not be waiting anymore.”
I should say something.
I should stop him from walking out.
The door shuts behind him and the words I want to say are all still stuck in my throat. They finally emerge in the form of angry tears and I cry on my bed as my mind replays all the terrible things we’ve ever said to each other.
Jay
Fuck me to hell and back. I couldn’t have handled that any worse if I tried.
Instead of surrendering my stubbornness and taking my girl in my arms like I really wanted to, I insulted her and stormed out of her room.
I really am a fucking asshole. She’s not the childish one. I am.
I know this and yet I pace around my bedroom for a while before sprawling on my bed to stare at the ceiling. I hear the sound of voices with no distinct words but there’s urgency to the way they go back and forth. Shane and Lana are in the middle of an argument. Because that’s what you do when you’re with someone you really care about. You stay and fight for what you have.
Of course Caris is curious about the details of my life. She was always like that; curious and inquisitive and compassionate. It was part of what drew me to her as a kid. She had this infectious enthusiasm about every little thing. She still does. Like today when we were watching those damn butterflies. She was almost beside herself with excitement when one emerged from its cocoon. And I wrapped my arms around her to draw all that happiness close to my heart.
That’s what she is. Caris is happiness. I haven’t thought much about being happy until now.
When she first came back into my world I planned to do anything to avoid her. Now I’d do anything to keep her. I already know that resuming my solitary life in a Phoenix apartment and busting my ass every day on a construction crew with nothing to come home to is not for m
e, not anymore.
And if I need to revisit all the most painful corners of my past in order to give her what she needs then so be it. I know she would tell me anything. I owe her the same consideration.
Hours pass while I mull all of this over with the ceiling. The arguing voices have long since quieted. I haven’t slept but I need to be up in the next hour to get ready for work. At least I’m used to these early hours thanks to years in construction.
When I approach Caris’s bedroom door there’s no light coming from the strip at the bottom. I try the knob and find it unlocked. Then I hesitate. There’s nothing I want more than to climb into her bed, hold her and tell her that I lied tonight.
I am still Jonathan Hempstead. I tried to deeply bury his soft heart and his gentleness but she’s uncovered both and I’m grateful. I haven’t been complete in a very long time.
I’ve been lost.
She’s the only one who could have found me.
Eventually I drop my hand from the doorknob. I’ve already caused her enough anguish for now and she has to get on a plane tomorrow. She needs to sleep. In two days she’ll be back and we can sort through everything then.
Her purse has been left on the kitchen table and I take it for a reason. I’ll return it in a minute.
While Caris was in the restroom at the conservatory I visited the gift shop and bought her a birthday present. It’s silly, like something a high school kid with only a little pocket change would get his girl. I bought it because it practically screamed her name to me and I knew she’d love it.
After retrieving the gift from where I left it in my dresser drawer I wish I’d thought about having something nicer than a brown paper bag to wrap it in but it’s too late for that. I find a pen and think for a minute before scrawling some words on the outside of the bag. It’s hardly poetry but I hope she smiles just the same. I leave the gift in the front pocket of her purse where she’s sure to find it.
I want to learn how to do this; how to be a boyfriend, how to deserve her.