Claudia greeted him with a nervous smile. He had never seen that kind of uncertainty in her face. She then raised her chin, as if to call on an extra margin of courage. ‘Hi, come and join us.’
Justin was sitting in his high chair up against the table, a wooden spoon was clenched in his little hand, and he was banging it on the neighbouring chair. He stopped, his round, blue eyes stared at Fraser, the fingers of his other hand grasped at his soft, fair hair that fell into small loose curls. Fraser thought the child might cry, so he stood still and spoke quietly, ‘You two seem to be having fun.’
‘Stella gave me a recipe for chocolate brownies,’ Claudia said. Then she smiled at Justin, ‘We made some for tea, didn’t we?’
Justin smiled back at his mother and revealed four perfect little white teeth.
‘Then they’ll be very special,’ Fraser said.
Claudia looked at Fraser, and the hint of insecurity returned to her eyes. ‘Would you like to sit down?’
Fraser felt like a stranger meeting her for the first time. ‘Thank you.’ He sat at the end of the table, conscious of the look of uncertainty on Justin’s face. ‘I don’t want to upset him,’ he whispered.
‘He’s OK. He’ll work it out. Don’t scowl or grimace and you’ll be fine.’
‘Hello Justin,’ Fraser said. He was most certainly out of his comfort zone.
Justin pointed to the windowsill. ‘Fowa,’ he said with a little squeak in his voice.
Fraser responded with a smile. ‘Yes, flowers.’ He was impressed with the child’s gesture of friendship by pointing out a vase of flowers. It seemed a mature thing for such a small child to do.
Justin continued to babble about nothing in particular, but it seemed to mean something to him.
‘He has your eyes,’ Claudia said, which Fraser saw as some kind of laurel branch. Yet, there was no sign of her usual soothing, evenly paced voice. She then continued, as if she was reading a product description. ‘We’ve been very lucky. He’s a beautiful, healthy boy developing as he should be. There are no known family illnesses that might come to visit him. Erm…’ Her voice began to quiver, her eyes grew pink. She cleared her throat and continued. ‘He’s… he’s had his injections… Oh, is that a problem? Do you believe in immunisation?’
Fraser looked at her. ‘I haven’t come to challenge you about his welfare, Claudia. Anybody can see that he’s very healthy and happy.’
Claudia stood up, turned from him and leaned against the work top, her shoulders rose and fell as if she was trying to take a deep breath. He never thought that such a difficult moment would ever exist between them. He went to her and rested his hand on her shoulder. ‘Come on now,’ he said gently, ‘I told you I’d be there for you whatever happened. It might take me some time to catch up with you, but I’m here. What about these brownies? Stella used to make them in the holidays,’ he said, lifting the mood up a notch, ‘they’re great with a glass of cold milk.’
‘I thought you had them with hot chocolate.’
‘Only when it was snowing and we’d been out tobogganing.’
‘And when you capsized in the lake,’ Claudia added, with a faint smile.
They returned to the table. Justin was still unsure, but didn’t make a fuss. Claudia spoke to him. ‘This is Daddy. Are you going to say hello?’ She encouraged him to raise his hand and wiggle his fingers by way of a greeting. She turned to Fraser and added, ‘That’s all right, isn’t it? You’d like him to call you Daddy?’
Fraser wasn’t a man to be easily knocked off his guard, but Claudia’s words bounced around his head, like a pinball game, as a very startling reality leapt into his mind. He’d only ever considered the remote chance of eventually being a father. He would provide for his children, the usual cliché things, roof over the head, food on the table, clothes on their backs, the best education. He would protect them, advise them and be there to support them on sports days, school productions, graduation…Yet, he never considered, until that moment, that he would be a little boy’s daddy. That seemed to be a different role altogether. Like his father, and like Tony’s father, a full-time, hands-on, proactive daddy.
‘I wasn’t deciding for you,’ Claudia explained a little anxiously. ‘I just…’
‘Of course,’ he said softly, ‘that’s fine…I like it.’ Fraser felt that he was travelling around this learning curve at a terrifying speed. He’d played with Stephanie, carried her, swung her around, but he hadn’t, thus far, ventured into much interaction with little Eddy, save to pick him up and look through the kitchen window at the lake.
They ate brownies and drank milk. Justin seemed to be playing with his fingers, and Fraser feared that it was anxiety, but Claudia explained that it was a sign, he was asking for more milk. He also had one for when he was hungry.
Fraser was, once again, impressed with the child’s ability to communicate. ‘That must be very useful for you,’ he said.
Claudia smiled and added, ‘It seems that babies can learn to understand signs before actual words. I like to give him as much self-empowerment as I can. That way he’ll survive better in a crisis. If I’m not there.’
‘Crisis? Not there?’
‘Things happen.’ She smiled. ‘He has verbal ones for when he’s angry.’
‘We all have those,’ Fraser replied, with a faint chuckle.
‘He’s learning words though. He knows how to say “sore” when he’s hurt, and he knows what sleep means. Which is more than I do these days,’ she added, with a frown, ‘he’s got some more teeth coming.’
After brownies and milk, Justin relaxed and offered his last handful of cake to Fraser, who took it graciously.
‘Don’t eat it,’ Claudia whispered, ‘he’s squashed it.’
Fraser deemed it to be a kind gesture, indicating that he was making progress, so he ate it and hummed his appreciation. ‘I have something for him,’ he said, ‘is now a good time?’
‘Sure, I’ll clean him up, and we can go into the other room.’
To Fraser’s relief, Justin smiled and grasped the fluffy toy, testing it with his mouth and then pressing his little forefinger onto it to examine it further. He then cried out with a sudden jolt of his body, ‘Cat!’
*****
Fraser stayed much longer than Claudia anticipated. He was more interested in Justin than she expected. The child sat on the carpet, rooting in his treasure box. He produced a variety of possessions and thrust them at Fraser, as he performed a running commentary of babble, intended to be conversation. Fraser talked back to him as if he understood. Then Justin tossed a small, homemade, laminated book onto his lap. Claudia had made it for the child, pictures of Fraser, some in business clothes, some in casuals and some lounging on Claudia’s sofa, back in London.
Fraser looked up from the book and frowned. ‘Why are all these shots of me?’
‘He might not have had you in the flesh, but he could know what you looked like.’
‘Like some dead hero?’ Fraser’s eyes hardened, ‘Is that what you were going to tell him? That I was dead?’
‘If all I wanted was a model, I would have made him a book out of Mathew’s pictures. He would have been a great absent father, he looked pretty impressive on a horse.’
Fraser cut Claudia with a chilling, piercing stare. ‘I just don’t understand. How could you do it?’ he challenged, yet his voice was soft. ‘How could you keep this miracle from me?’
‘I told you why, Fraser,’ she defended, her voice controlled and steady. ‘This visit is just for you two to meet, then we can work out how we’re going to raise him. If you’re going to pick a fight, will you please not do it when he’s in the room with us?’
‘Yes, of course, I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to feel so emotional about it. I came to meet a stereotypical baby, not a real person who would communicate with me, show me the flowers, share his cake… These unexpected feelings have changed my perspective. It scares me…shocks me…’ Justin made his way back around the
furniture until he reached Fraser’s knees. Fraser picked him up and sat him on his lap. ‘A son,’ he whispered, ‘I have a son, and if you hadn’t arrived here unexpectedly, I would never have known about him.’
Claudia said nothing, but she was hurt. Bringing Justin to this stage had been so hard, and she was proud of it, but Fraser’s attitude just seemed to cancel all that out.
*****
It took no time at all for Fraser to become totally besotted with his little boy. All Claudia’s efforts to juggle time, energy, dedication, career, sacrifice as well as a powerful love for her son, couldn’t measure up to the fun things daddies can do so much better than mummies. Daddies can throw you up into the air and catch you again, run you around the garden on their shoulders, fly you round and round, like an aeroplane. Justin very quickly learned to recognise the new parent in his life. The child would shriek, jig about with excitement or crawl across the floor towards Fraser when he arrived. It seemed, to Claudia, that everything mummies did was expected, but daddies only needed to turn up, to be a hero.
Another high chair was installed in the kitchen, at Larchwood, so the boys could have meals together and babble to each other. Stephanie, being altogether a more grown-up child, sat on a proper chair with a cushion. She included Justin in her life as if he’d always been there, like another little brother. Justin Gallier had his tiny feet well and truly under the Larchwood table.
Claudia was desperate to get some ground rules in place, but it was clear that Fraser was enjoying his new role and wasn’t ready to move on to more down-to-earth things, like custody. He seemed to revel in his new life as a daddy, and it defied all previous beliefs that children were not for him.
Chapter Thirteen
‘But if Alyona and Zara lived and worked in Paris,’ Jenny said, ‘how come you’re English and not French?’
‘Diaghilev brought his company to London, so the girls came too. Alyona met Richard, and she wouldn’t go back, so Zara had to stay with her. I suppose it wasn’t as simple as that at the time.’
Lizzy smiled. ‘Did Richard wait for Alyona at the stage door?’
‘No, it was much more dramatic than that. One night, after the performance, Zara was still dealing with the costumes, so Alyona waited for her outside the theatre. She took off her shoes, her feet were hurting so much because of the gruelling performances. She was still very homesick, pined for her family and the old life in Russia, but didn’t understand why it all happened. Then suddenly, it all overwhelmed her, and she felt the urge to run. She kept on running through the streets until she arrived at Westminster Bridge, exhausted, gasping for breath, sobbing and calling out for her father.’
‘Why her father and not her mother?’ Jenny asked.
‘He promised to follow on and find them, but…’
‘They were both so young, I suppose that was probably the only way to make them leave without their parents,’ Lizzy suggested.
‘What then?’ Jenny asked. Her eyes were wide, like a child listening to a bedtime story.
‘A handsome cab stopped, a gentleman leapt out and ran towards her.’
Lizzy laughed. ‘You’re kidding. That really happened?’
‘Alyona said so in her diary. She even describes his white silk evening scarf fluttering as he ran, his top hat falling from his head and rolling along the pavement. It’s so vivid.’
‘Standing there, clutching her shoes and crying, he must have thought she was going to jump,’ Jenny said.
Claudia nodded. ‘He threw his arms around her and never let her go again for the rest of his life.’
‘Ah,’ Jenny sighed.
‘Her affair with Richard was considered outrageous in 1921. He broke his engagement to a very suitable young lady, which annoyed his family intensely. The family and friends all had a go at poor Alyona, blamed her entirely and called her all kinds of dreadful names, tried to make her give him up. In desperation, they threatened to disown him. So Richard walked away from his rightful inheritance to a huge estate. Had he been single, then maybe Alyona would have enjoyed a life of luxury again. But it wasn’t to be.’
‘What if he did inherit?’ Jenny said. ‘Would you have got it?’
‘No, I’m descended from Zara. Alyona and Richard didn’t have children.’
The tea and cake arrived.
‘Oh, brilliant!’ Claudia sighed. ‘A nice cup of tea to wake me up a bit.’
Lizzy looked sympathetic as she said, ‘Is Justin not sleeping?’
‘No, poor baby, he’s still snotty, grumpy and teething, so you can add dribbly to those symptoms. He feels very sorry for himself.’ She sighed. ‘So do I. Molly offered to take him for a night, but they don’t want anybody else when they’re not well, do they?’
‘Do boy babies get worse colds than girl babies?’ Jenny asked.
‘I don’t know, but it’s so hard because you can’t explain that it isn’t forever. I’m sure he’s missing Fraser too. But he’s very tied up with handing over to Yuri and Paige.’
‘Justin’s got time to get better before we go to Firenze,’ Lizzy said. ‘Then you’ll have loads of babysitters and get plenty of rest.’
Jenny looked at Claudia in surprise. ‘I didn’t know you were going.’
‘It never occurred to me to go, but I couldn’t deny Justin a chance to meet his grandparents. Fraser needs this holiday, and being in sole charge of Justin wouldn’t leave him much time to enjoy his family.’ She paused to sip her tea, and then she said, ‘I won’t get involved, I’ll just be there if I’m needed. We’ll be like a divorced couple being very polite and civil for the child’s sake.’
‘I’m sorry, Claudia,’ Lizzy said, her voice was laced with concern. ‘It must really hurt.’
Claudia nodded and expelled a long sigh. ‘All around the ranch and back.’
Jenny stared at her. ‘Around the ranch?’
‘When I was a kid, I was often in scenes with a retired jockey called Lennie,’ Claudia smiled affectionately, ‘the little guy in those pictures in the magazine. He was my rock. We had to hang around an awful lot. One day, we made up a new saying, something to explain how we felt. How much Lennie missed his wife and kids, how far I’d go for a hot dog when I was hungry. That’s what we came up with, all around the ranch and back.’
‘So if anybody wants to know how much I miss my chocolate fudge cake, I say, all around the ranch and back.’ Jenny laughed. ‘I shouldn’t complain, I’m fit and well.’ She suddenly widened her eyes and beamed a smile. ‘Just think,’ she said, ‘we’ll all be mums.’
‘Yes, we will,’ Lizzy smiled, ‘all three of us.’
‘We can bring our babies to tea-and-cake day,’ Jenny continued.
Claudia frowned. ‘What?’
Lizzy looked horrified. ‘Babies…at tea-and-cake day?’
‘It’d be such fun…wouldn’t it?’ Jenny reasoned.
Lizzy and Claudia answered together with a positive ‘NO!’
*****
It was late afternoon when Fraser left his office. He decided to take a walk in the park before going home to his apartment. It was the first time he’d been in London since Justin came into his life, and he was surprised how hard it was to be separated from him. His London life pleased him once, but now it seemed empty. The Wainford project was distracting, and his main business was losing favour. He hardly recognised himself at all.
The weather was warm, something drew him to the park. The summer flower displays were magnificent. He thought about Claudia, and what might have happened had he remembered to come and look for her.
He recalled how simple it all used to be back then. Each time he tapped his knuckles on her door―it was always the same rhythmic knock―she would open it, smile and step back to let him in, all in one movement.
One evening he had walked in, kissed her cheek as usual and then declared, ‘I brought dinner.’
She had peered into the bag, ‘You brought groceries,’ she contradicted. ‘You even left the ti
ll-receipt in.’
‘I thought we could cook.’
‘I can’t prepare it, my fingers hurt.’
He held her hands and inspected them, ‘What did you do?’
‘Work, fine textiles need small needles. They push into your fingers.’
He hugged her. ‘Poor thing!’
‘Thing?’
‘Just an expression…would you prefer, darling, sweetheart honey?’
‘Claudia would have been fine.’
’Sorry about your fingers. Can you hold a wooden spoon and a wok?
‘Sure.’
‘I’ll do the labouring. You can do the magic, conjure up something fabulous.’
They chatted, laughed and talked as they cooked and drank wine. Later they sat on the rug, leaned against the sofa while they watched the movie about the people who made a pact to meet up, in Paris, if they lost touch. After that she looked at him, tilted her head, smiled and said, ‘Are you OK now?’
‘Yes, I’m good.’
‘Was it a really bad day?’
‘Frustrating, annoying, stifling…’
‘You often say that. Why don’t you get out?’
‘Out? What do you mean, out?’
‘Move on, do something else? You’re just going through the motions of enjoying your career. Just because you’re successful doesn’t mean you can’t give it up.’
She always seemed to know, despite his efforts to hide it, that he had arrived with a burden on his shoulders. But she helped him bear the weight and during the evening it lifted. It’s what she did. As he re-lived moments from that evening, he recalled that he had hugged her simply because her fingers hurt, but she had no such comfort from him after her hours of travail to bring his beautiful son into the world…36 hours…Jesus Christ!
He phoned Claudia, she gave him an update on Justin. His cold was upsetting him, and he had some teeth coming through, but it was all perfectly normal and would pass in a few days.
Chapter Fourteen
Alyona's Voice Page 12