The apostle Paul was right when he said, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.”3The wisest couples use marital problems as an impetus to work even harder, not as an excuse to bail out. If your marriage is hard work, you have a golden opportunity to use that reality to make needed changes in who you are. You do not want to pass up that opportunity.
“My Spouse Can and Should Meet All of My Emotional Needs.”
Another unrealistic notion is that a spouse will completely, totally, consistently, and wonderfully meet all of our emotional needs (such as attention, acceptance, appreciation, approval, affection, affirmation, comfort, encouragement, respect, security, support, understanding). We often walk down the aisle thinking we have found the person who can do that and look forward to perfect wedded bliss. Within twenty-four hours of saying “I do,” the person we thought would meet our every need may hardly be meeting any of them. We become bitter and resentful, and “The War” is on. You’d be amazed at how stubbornly some people hold on to this idea, though. I’ve seen couples in my office who have been married thirty years and still believe that their spouses should meet their every emotional need. Lies die hard!
George and Sue came to see me after their tenth anniversary. They had hardly celebrated it at all because each was so hurt and angry with the other. George was the strong, self-sufficient type. Sue, just the opposite, was the bubbly cheerleader type who had always had someone “stronger” to depend on. She even admitted that when she and George first started going together, he was her Prince Charming who rescued her from all of her problems. Now, after a decade of marriage, George was growing a little tired of being Prince Charming.
“Dr. Thurman, Sue expects me to be there twenty-four hours a day to meet every need she has!” George blurted out.
“I do not. I just expect you to be there when I need you,” Sue quickly answered.
George sighed. “Do you realize what you’re saying? I can’t be there every time you need me! I can’t meet your every need! Nobody can do that!”
Sue frowned, looking intently at her husband. “But,” she began, “if you don’t meet my needs, who will?”
“Sue, that is an important question,” I said. “Who will take care of your needs if George can’t or won’t?”
Sue’s eyes began to water, and she looked a bit scared. “Well, I don’t really have any friends or family to rely on, like George does.”
“That leaves you having to depend on George for everything, doesn’t it?”
I pressed.
She paused. “I have to admit,” she said in a quiet voice, “that outside of George I don’t feel that I have anyone I can turn to. When we first met, George seemed to want to meet all my needs, and I was glad to let him.”
“That’s true,” George added. “I wanted to then. It made me feel important and needed. Now I just feel smothered and used.”
“Things have changed,” I said.
“Yes. Frankly, I’m tired of her depending upon me for everything. It can’t keep going like this. I find myself running away from her rather than moving toward her.”
She thought a moment. She straightened her dress and crossed her legs. “I guess I need other people and other things in my life to take some pressure off him. To be honest, it scares me to think about all this,” Sue confessed.
“Sweetheart, it’s not that I don’t want to meet your needs. It’s just that I can’t meet them all,” George said, trying to reassure her.
The reality of any relationship is that no one person can be the perfect “need meeter” for another person. Our needs are too many and can be met only through a variety of people and activities. People who depend solely on one person or thing usually haven’t developed other resources—a best friend, hobbies, satisfying work, a close relationship with God. So rather than identifying this as the problem, they turn to their spouses and say, “Here’s my life. You take care of all my needs.”
In healthy marriages, there is a mutual commitment to meet each other’s emotional needs as much as possible. In healthy marriages, neither spouse depends completely on the other for all of the emotional needs to be met. In healthy marriages, each person has other people and activities to turn to in a morally responsible manner for emotional needs to be met. In healthy marriages, both spouses make every effort to be honest about when they are not meeting each other’s emotional needs and try diligently to do better.
When you have emotional needs that are not being met in your marriage, you can basically do the following: (1) remind yourself that having emotional needs is healthy and it is okay to feel hurt when they are not met; (2) identify what emotional needs are not being met (see the list given earlier); (3) ask your spouse if he or she would be willing to meet them (be specific as to which ones and how you would like them met); (4) affirm and appreciate your spouse for meeting your emotional needs when he or she does; (5) keep meeting your spouse’s emotional needs as best you can, even if he or she is not willing to do the same for you; and (6) look for other morally appropriate ways for your emotional needs to be met (a close friend, an interesting hobby, volunteer activities, ongoing education, church involvement).
There is nothing wrong with having emotional needs—we are made that way. All human beings have them. Problems occur, though, when we expect our spouses to meet all of our emotional needs. That puts too much pressure on them and damages the marriage.
“My Spouse Owes Me (for All I Do).”
Remember when you first started dating the person who became your spouse? You were happy to do anything for him or her and didn’t really want much in return other than his or her company.
What’s your relationship like now? If you’re like most couples, you have fallen into a “green stamp” marriage style. For everything you do for your spouse, you build up a certain number of green stamps. Taking out the garbage might be worth ten green stamps, picking up the dirty clothes might be worth twenty, listening to your spouse complain might be worth seventy-five, and doing something with him or her that you don’t want to do is worth a hundred green stamps. Then whenever you feel like it, you dump out your truckload of green stamps and say, “Here, I want to cash these in for fifteen minutes of your undivided attention,” “I want to redeem these for a trip to Hawaii,” or “You owe me a romantic night out for these.” This style of marriage is destructive and is rooted in the lie that our spouses owe us for everything we do and should pay us back however and whenever we want them to.
Melissa and Burt epitomized this lie. They constantly had their “radar” up for what each owed the other, and both became very hostile when they felt they were paid less than what they were due. It had become so bad that they were never at peace with each other. Our sessions revolved around and around the “you owe me” theme until, one day, we came to an insight that triggered a turnaround in their marriage:
“Look,” said Burt, leaning toward me, “I’ve worked hard to give her what she wants, and all I ask in return is that she do the same thing for me.”
“You feel that she owes you for all that you have done for her?” I asked.
“Well, I wouldn’t put it that way exactly, but, yes, I do expect something in return for all that I do,” he said, leaning back.
Melissa almost exploded out of her chair. “Well, what about all the things I’ve done for you?”
Burt crossed his arms. “Like what?”
Melissa began counting on her fingers, “Helping put you through graduate school, keeping the house clean, putting dinner on the table every evening, paying all the bills so you don’t have to mess with them, taking care of our kids while you work. Need more? ”
“Wait,” I said. “Both of you sound convinced the other owes you more than you owe the other. Okay, then. Burt, whose efforts are worth more, yours or Melissa’s?”
“I feel that I do more for her than she does for me. But I’m sure she feels the same way. I guess nobody can really decide who has done more,” Burt admi
tted.
“Exactly,” I said. “No one can ever honestly assess what his own actions and his spouse’s actions are worth.”
Melissa said, “I haven’t ever thought about it that way.”
“Me neither,” added Burt.
“Most spouses ‘green stamp’ each other, usually without even realizing it.
In doing that, they tend to overestimate the value of their own actions and underestimate the value of their partner’s so that, by the end of the day or end of the week, they feel like they are so far ahead in the ‘look what you owe me’ race that their spouses will never be able to do enough to pay them back. It is a killer of a way to conduct a relationship,” I said.
“So, what is the alternative?” Melissa asked.
“To meet each other’s needs as best you can without keeping score. To help each other out because it is the right thing to do instead of using what you do to manipulate something out of your spouse in return. To acknowledge that when you do something for your spouse, it was your choice to do so, and nothing is owed to you in return. To be grateful when your spouse is loving and helpful—to accept it as a gift to you. To quit thinking of a marriage as a business relationship that operates on a quid pro quo basis and start having a grace relationship where you do things for each other whether they were merited or not.”
“Nothing like setting the bar a little high, Dr. Thurman,” Burt joked.
“Well, a couple’s reach should exceed their grasp, don’t you think?” I answered. “Both of you would agree, I think, that your current way of being married sets the bar far too low, right?”
“You got that right!” Melissa agreed.
Please keep in mind that I am not suggesting that we should quit wanting or desiring things from our spouses. I want my wife to be loving and faithful, to help around the house, to keep a balanced checkbook, and so on. I’m just suggesting that she doesn’t owe me those things, even if I do those things for her. The minute I start demanding these things from her as if they were my marital “birthright,” I am allowing the “you owe me” lie to ruin our marriage. And ruin our marriage it will.
You are owed absolutely nothing for all you do in your marriage. The “payment” for what you do for your spouse is getting to do it! The reward is in the giving, not what your partner does in response. If your spouse appreciates your actions and returns the favor by doing something loving, that is simply the icing on top of the cake.
“I Shouldn’t Have to Change Who I Am to Make Our Marriage Better.”
When I was a teenager, a song I liked had a line in it that went, “I am what I am and that’s all I ever will be.” I hear couples say this very thing in defending why they can’t (really, won’t) change. “I’ve always been this way and can’t do anything about it. If you really loved me, you would just accept me for what I am and not try to change me.”
What malarkey! Of course, we need to make changes in who we are to strengthen our marriages. We don’t enter marriage “okay” so that we should be content to stay who we are. The issue isn’t, “Should I change to make my marriage better?” It is, “What should I change to make my marriage better?” When we marry, all of us have defects that need to be corrected. Pulling off an intimate marriage requires that we work on our weaknesses, not wrap ourselves in the “accept me as I am” flag and hope our partners salute.
Let me give you an example that is too close to home. My wife, Holly, is better at emotional intimacy than I am. I, on the other hand, tend to be more analytical and emotionally distant. During the early years of our marriage, I often felt uncomfortable when Holly wanted to be emotionally close—say, take time to share our deeper feelings. I just didn’t feel like doing it. My reluctance was very frustrating for her, understandably so. To be honest, I wished at times that she would just accept me as I was and not expect any more emotional intimacy than I wanted to offer.
I remember one specific instance when all Holly wanted was to sit down and talk about how we were both feeling about things going on in our lives at the time. At that moment, all I wanted was to do some work and be left alone. I didn’t feel like relating emotionally. But in my gut, I knew that what Holly wanted was appropriate and that I needed to change. I needed to be open to her, not run the opposite direction. It hasn’t been easy, but I’m trying to break through my fears of intimacy and make some needed changes. I may or may not ever be as comfortable with emotional intimacy as Holly is, but her influence is making me a better person. However uncomfortable it has been, I’m glad she pushed me to be more than I was when we first married.
“One flesh”—that’s what Genesis calls a married couple.4Becoming one flesh is impossible if one or both spouses refuse to change. Please don’t misread me here. I’m all for individuality, and I don’t condone blind conformity to whatever a marriage partner wants just to keep him or her happy. But when something about who we are hinders intimacy, it’s best to change. When both spouses have that kind of mentality, everyone wins because both become more complete—all while becoming “one.”
“My Spouse Should Be Like Me.”
This lie is a second cousin of the previous lie. The belief here is that your way of being a human being is the “best” and that your spouse must think, feel, and act like you in order to be loved or accepted. People who fall into this lie tend to see the world in black/white, right/wrong, all/nothing terms. They often arrogantly assume that because they think, feel, or act a certain way, their spouses are wrong if they don’t think, feel, or act the very same way. To put it bluntly, these people want more of a clone than a partner.
Carol and Joe, our original couple, believed this lie, and it was one of the many destructive misconceptions causing their marital problems. Both felt that their own personal view on any issue was the best, smartest, wisest, and most accurate, and when they clashed, they clashed in a big way. For instance, one summer Carol “knew” that a vacation to the beach would be best and had all the logical reasons to back it up. At the very same time, Joe “knew” that a vacation to the mountains was the best choice, and he had just as many good reasons. Unwilling to back off their separate opinions, they spent countless hours arguing about what to do. Finally, they became so angry with each other, they didn’t go on a vacation at all.
The truth of the matter is that if each of us was married to someone who thought, felt, and acted exactly as we did, life would be boring. We are unique. It’s good that we are all different, even if that leads to tension or conflict. Conflict related to the fact that we think, feel, and act differently can lead us to be more well-rounded, complete people, something we would have missed otherwise. The Bible is right when it says that is not good for people to be alone, but it is also not good for people to be exactly the same. Variety is the spice of life!
Growthwork
So far, we have covered two levels of the A-B-C model. We have identified “A” as the “event” level where things happen to us. We have also identified “C” as the “response” level of the model where we react to events physiologically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Unfortunately, far too many of us stop with these two levels of the model figured out and make a fatal mistake.
The mistake we make, and it is a deadlier one than most of us realize, is to fall into “A causes C” thinking. With “A causes C” thinking, we blame our reactions at “C” on the event at “A” that occurred. In other words, we blame our feelings and actions on some external event as the cause. Here are some examples of “A causes C” thinking:
• “That guy riding my bumper (‘A’) is making me mad (‘C’).”
• “What my supervisor said in the meeting today (‘A’) hurt my feelings (‘C’).”
• “Flunking that exam (‘A’) depressed me (‘C’).”
• “You kids (‘A’) are driving me crazy (‘C’).”
• “Well, I wouldn’t have thrown the dish at you (‘C’) if you hadn’t thrown the cup at me (‘A’).”
As we have di
scussed earlier, no one can “make” you feel a given emotion or make you act the way you do. That is a critically important truth for you to take with you from this book. Events (“A”) do not cause reactions (“C”), period!
Now, let me remind you that I am not saying you shouldn’t feel angry or sad or hurt or depressed about things. These can be very appropriate emotional reactions to certain events. What I am saying is that you cannot afford to blame your emotional reactions on external events if you want to have emotional health, develop good relationships with others, and be mature spiritually. “A causes C” thinking and those three are like water and oil—they don’t mix and never will.
Here is your assignment for the week. I want you to keep a record in your journal of all the times you fall into “A causes C” thinking. Anytime you find yourself blaming your feelings or actions on some person or situation, write it down. Put it in your journal any way you choose, but you might want to make each entry in sentence form: “The cleaners didn’t have my shirts ready as they promised (‘A’), and that really hacked me off (‘C’),” or “The Longhorns winning last Saturday (‘A’) made me happy (‘C’),” or “A guy cutting me off in traffic today (‘A’) made me so upset that I had to honk my horn at him (‘C’).”
The purpose of this assignment is to help you realize how often you tend to blame external events for what you feel and how you act. Believing that “A causes C” is one of the most destructive lies of all because it puts you in the helpless victim role. If you think an event made you feel and act a certain way, the event now has the power to control you. You are no longer in control of your emotions or behavior; circumstances are. That is no way to live.
The more aware of “A causes C” thinking you become, the better chance you have of moving from victim to victor. We live in a world full of victims who always seem to be able to blame their reactions on someone or something. If we ever hope to be emotionally healthy, intimate with others, and spiritually mature, this blaming has to stop. Begin that process now by monitoring “A causes C” thinking for a week. Be prepared to be humbled. You do it more than you realize!
The Lies We Believe Page 8