For most of his life, Dan had been dodging his problems, hoping they would just go away. Now, the consequences of his doing so were beginning to catch up with him in some undeniable ways. One session we had began like this:
“Have a seat, Dan. What’s on your mind today?”
Dan shrugged his shoulders.
“Oh, I don’t know,” he responded, as if he didn’t care.
“Why don’t you start with what seems to be bothering you most,” I suggested.
“Well, I suppose I still feel kind of depressed about everything,” he confessed.
“During our last session, we discussed some things you could do to work on overcoming your depression,” I reminded him. “Were you able to do them?”
“No, I wasn’t,” he replied, with little concern in his voice.
I kept pressing. “Any idea why?”
“I just didn’t get around to them,” he answered, as if to imply that it was no big deal.
“I’m not sure what you mean by ‘just didn’t get around to them,’” I stated.
“Well, it was a tough week, and I just didn’t feel that I had the energy or time to work on what we talked about,” he responded.
“Dan, let me be straight with you. I can’t help you if you are not willing to do the assignments we agree on.”
“What do you mean?” he asked, sounding hurt.
“You come here for help, but you don’t do any work in between sessions. You’re making it impossible to get better.”
“I guess you’re right,” he said, pacifying me. “So what do you want me to do?” I detected some anger in his voice, which meant we were beginning to get somewhere.
“I want you to come to counseling with more than ‘I guess’ and ‘I don’t know’ and ‘I just didn’t get around to it’ as your replies,” I responded, being more confrontational than usual. “I want you to make some effort in the direction of getting better rather than just sitting there with a ‘Psychologist, heal me’ look on your face.”
“I . . . I’m doing the best I can,” he defended himself.
“No, you’re not. You know that and I know it. You aren’t really trying in any area of your life, and that’s why you’re failing in your job, your marriage, and even our counseling.” I wondered if I had gone too far in confronting him.
“You don’t understand. It isn’t that easy!” he continued in his defense.
“I’m not saying it’s easy. Getting better is anything but easy. But you aren’t putting much of anything into it,” I told him frankly.
“I know it. I do that all the time, and I hate myself for it,” he responded, trying the “pity me” strategy with me that he often used with his wife and boss.
“It sounds like you want me to take pity on you as you beat yourself up for avoiding your problems.”
“I feel like a loser who will never amount to anything,” he replied, still wanting me to pity him.
“Dan, you aren’t a loser, but you are losing. By avoiding the pain of dealing with your problems head-on, you’ve made them worse. That doesn’t warrant sympathy or pity.” I countered.
“It sounds like you’re disgusted with me,” he interrupted.
“I’m not disgusted with you. I am disgusted with your style of wanting good things out of life without putting any effort into getting them. I care enough to confront you on that. I want you to get better, but I don’t know how you can if you don’t take more responsibility for facing your problems, even if it would hurt,” I answered.
“I get the point,” Dan said. “I’ve heard it before from my wife, the boss, my parents—from everyone really.”
“I know you’ve heard it before. But that doesn’t make it any less true,” I responded, hoping he would take this lifelong message and finally do something with it.
“I’ll consider what you have to say,” he said, as if he was doing me a favor.
“I hope you will do more than ‘consider’ what I’ve said. Considering what I have said is just another way for you to run from doing anything. I’m telling you that you need to act on what I’ve said. There is a huge difference,” I replied.
“You’re pushing me where I don’t like to be pushed—into doing stuff I really don’t want to do.”
“Dan, we can’t always do what we want to do in life. Sometimes, like it or not, we need to do what has been asked of us. That means working hard to face painful things directly when we’d rather not. What we gain in the process is greater emotional health and less troubled relationships.”
“Well, I sure want to be happy and to get people off my back,” he acknowledged.
“But are you willing to do what it takes to achieve that?”
“I’ll think about it,” he replied.
I’m sorry to say that all Dan did was “think about it.” He never did much of anything in counseling to put elbow grease into making himself a healthier person. In retrospect, I saw that Dan came to counseling to look as though he wanted to get better and to see if I had magic words or techniques that would produce mental health in him.
It Takes Some Painful Effort
Dan isn’t all that different from the rest of us. He wants the nice rewards of a healthy life, but he doesn’t want to do what it takes to get them. I can identify with that. I’m sure you can, too, at least to some extent. The lazy side of all of us wants the path to good things to be bump-free.
The fact of the matter is that the road to mental and spiritual health is paved with a lot of hard work. This truth—“there is no gain without pain”— is not new. It’s one of those “been around a long time” truths that we always need to stay close to. If we want to achieve personal growth, we have to do it the old-fashioned way and earn it.
I am reminded of a couple who came to see me for marital problems, Scott and Ellen. They had been married for eight years, and most of that time had been unhappy. They were in a lot of pain when they came to see me and appeared to be willing to work hard to make their marriage better. Unfortunately, in their case, appearances were deceiving. After a few sessions, I gave them their first assignment to do. Here’s what happened:
“Before you leave, I want to give you something to work on by next session,” I said.
“Something to work on?” Scott asked, a twinge of concern in his voice.
“Yes, there is a marital intimacy workbook I want you to work on between sessions. It has sixteen chapters in it, and I would like you to do one a week.
Each chapter takes about an hour individually to read and respond to study questions, and then you spend another hour talking with each other about your responses,” I explained.
“So, we do each chapter by ourselves and then spend some time talking about it, is that it?” Ellen asked.
“Yes, that’s right,” I said.
“Dr. Thurman, I’m not sure we have the time to do something like that,” Scott stated.
“Oh, sure we do!” Ellen quickly responded.
“Well, maybe you do, but I sure don’t. I’m lucky to keep my head above water each day. There is no way I have time to spend two hours on this workbook each week,” Scott said, becoming defensive.
“You have time to watch football every Saturday and Sunday,” Ellen replied, just as defensively.
“Scott,” I interrupted, “I know you are busy, but the work you do in between sessions is just as important as what you do when you are here in my office. If you are going to get the most out of counseling, you need to go through the workbook.”
“Well, I’ll try but . . . ,” he said.
Over the next three weeks, Scott and Ellen continued to come to counseling, but Scott never got around to completing the first chapter of the workbook. Ellen had done a number of chapters, but she couldn’t discuss any of them with Scott because he hadn’t done them. That issue surfaced during what turned out to be our last session together.
“Ellen, you look upset today,” I said.
“I am, Dr. Thurman,” she replied.
> “What are you upset about?”
“You told Scott and me that we needed to do this workbook as part of counseling. Every week for the last three weeks I have done a chapter in the workbook, but Scott has done nothing. We are supposed to have those ‘staff meetings’ you talked about where we discuss our answers, but Scott can’t because he hasn’t done anything. How am I supposed to not be upset about that!” she replied angrily.
“I have been busy!” Scott asserted, defending himself.
“You are never too busy to do what you want to do! You haven’t missed playing golf with your buddies in three weeks! You haven’t missed a Cowboys game on TV! You haven’t missed anything you enjoy, but you can’t seem to find the time to do this workbook and make our marriage better!” she exploded, tears streaming down her face.
“Look, I am doing the best I can! Isn’t it enough that I am coming here to counseling every week?” Scott shot back.
“No, it isn’t enough! If Dr. Thurman is going to help us, we have to do what he says! You show up in here for an hour a week and think that will somehow magically make our marriage better!” Ellen complained. Sometimes, clients do the confronting for you.
Ellen was right. Other than coming to the counseling sessions once a week, Scott wasn’t willing to do any hard work to improve his marriage. He wanted gain without any pain. Ellen, on the other hand, “put her money where her mouth was” in that she had invested a fair amount of effort into doing the workbook so that she and Scott could discuss their answers and grow as a couple. Scott was using his golf game and keeping up with his favorite football team to run from the hard work his marriage required of him. And Ellen was understandably upset. Scott decided to quit coming to counseling after that session because he said, “It isn’t helping me, especially getting jumped on for not doing the assignments.”
Is it human nature to want something for nothing? Yes! Does it ruin our lives? Yes! The desire to grow without being willing to pay a price for it is a part of our nature that we must destroy. Scott gave in to his nature, and he and Ellen quit coming to counseling. Scott wanted a “fit” marriage, but he didn’t want to spend any time working out in the “gym” to have one. Their marriage continued to be “out of shape” as a result.
There was a television commercial several years ago in which some college students were talking about how easily everything seemed to come for a friend of theirs. As they made these comments, scenes were shown of their friend studying late into the night, doing pull-ups at the gym, and closing down a pizza place after a long night of work. I liked that commercial because I think its message was honest: positive results are never easy, no matter how things may appear to be on the surface.
If we want anything to be easy, we have to work hard. If we want a quiz to be easy, we have to study hard. If we want a couple of hours on the tennis court to be easy, we have to train hard. If we want our marriages to be easy, we have to work diligently on them. If we want life to be easy, we have to put our all into it, painfully so.
When it comes to mental, physical, and spiritual growth, there is no gain without pain. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Growthwork
Years ago, I was out of shape. I joined a health club in an effort to face that problem. I will never forget my first workout. I tried to lift some weights and found that I didn’t have a whole lot of muscle strength. I got on an exercise bike and started pedaling but could last only a few minutes before my lungs and legs started to hurt. By the end of the workout, I thought I was going to die. I was so exhausted and dizzy that I had to sit on the floor of the shower stall in the locker room with cold water coming down on my head to keep from fainting. I wanted to quit. It was too painful.
Yet I stuck with it whether I felt like it or not. I showed up at the health club three nights a week and kept doing whatever I could. As time passed, I could lift the same weight a greater number of times. Then I could lift a heavier weight. I could get on the exercise bike and last ten minutes, then thirty, and ultimately an hour. After a few months, I had lost weight and felt better than I had in years.
I say all of this to remind you of what you already know—the first “workouts” in any area of life where you need to improve yourself are always the hardest. If you can “gut it out,” you will build up stamina that will enable you to reach a higher level of being “in shape” so that the workouts down the road are no longer that painful.
This is true in the physical realm of life, but it is also true in the emotional and spiritual realms. Our emotional and spiritual health depends on our willingness to “exercise” on a regular basis, however painful it may be. We are motivated by knowing that the personal gains will be tremendous if we will stick with the program long enough.
Now, here is your assignment. Write down on a piece of paper the areas in which you want “gain” but have been unwilling to do the “pain.” Maybe you have wanted to lose weight but have been unwilling to exercise. Maybe you have wanted to get out of debt but have been unwilling to reduce your spending or cut up your charge cards. Maybe you have wanted deeper friendships but have been unwilling to call somebody to arrange spending more time together. Maybe you have wanted a closer relationship with God but have been unwilling to practice certain spiritual disciplines to have it. Whatever the “don’t want to do the pain to have the gain” issue in your life has been, write it down.
Choose one item from your list, and go face your pain. Do what you have to do to get the results you want. Right this very minute, decide what you are going to do, how you are going to do it, and when you are going to do it. Do it right now if you can. Make sure you do not let this week go by without doing whatever it takes to face your problem.
Let me recommend two things that might help you here. First, tell somebody what you are going to do, and ask him to hold you accountable for doing it. Ask him to call you every day if necessary to encourage you to do what you agreed to do and make it more difficult to bail out of the effort.
Second, you may want to make getting to do something you like dependent upon whether or not you face your problem. Let’s say you need to do your taxes but have been putting them off. Let’s also say you love to eat out. I suggest that you don’t let yourself eat out again until you finish doing your taxes. Whatever it takes to get it done, do it!
Do the pain; get the gain!
11
YOU DON’T “HAVE TO” DO ANYTHING
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.
I don’t believe in circumstances.
—George Bernard Shaw
Have you ever noticed how often people say the words have to? Have you ever noticed how often you say them? Here are some frequently heard “have to” statements. Do any of these sound familiar?
“I have to go to work tomorrow.”
“I have to pay my taxes.”
“I have to obey the speed limit.”
“I have to visit my parents.”
“I have to finish college.”
“I have to take my kids to the park Saturday.”
“I have to lose some weight.”
“I have to clean out the garage this weekend.”
I’m sure you’ve said most or all of these statements at one time or another. But here is the truth: you don’t have to go to work tomorrow. You don’t have to pay your taxes. You don’t have to obey the speed limit. You don’t have to visit your parents. You don’t have to finish college. You don’t have to take your kids to the park on Saturday. You don’t have to lose weight. You don’t have to clean out the garage this weekend. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. That’s how free you are.
But there is a not-so-small hitch. You don’t have to do anything, but negative consequences may come your way if you choose not to do certain things. For example, you don’t have to go to work tomorrow, but you may get in trouble with your boss or possibly be fired if you don’t. You don’t have to pay your taxes, b
ut you may find yourself in trouble with the IRS if you don’t (the agency has a way of wanting to hear from you each year). You don’t have to obey the speed limit, but you may get a ticket if you don’t. I think you see the quid pro quo going on here, right?
Now, why all the fuss about the words have to? When we say the words have to, we have lost sight of the truth that we do everything out of choice. In other words, we have free will. We choose to do whatever we do. The bottom line to all this is critical if you want to be mentally and spiritually healthy: a have to attitude toward life makes you a bitter victim while a choose to attitude makes you a healthy victor.
You Always Have Choice
Alan was a classic example of how a have to mind-set can destroy you. He came to see me about the tremendous bitterness he felt concerning how he had to get married. He and Sandra had dated off and on throughout college. Toward the end of their senior year, Sandra became pregnant with their child. As much as Alan loved Sandra, he did not feel ready for marriage. Yet he married her anyway, carrying into the relationship busloads of resentment toward Sandra, as if his choice to marry her was all her fault. During one of our sessions, Alan expressed how he felt.
“I don’t know if I can ever get over this,” Alan stated bluntly.
“The way you and Sandra got married bothers you a lot,” I replied, trying to narrow the focus.
“I had to marry her,” Alan replied, as if the need to discuss that issue was over. “I had no choice.”
“Objectively speaking, that isn’t really true, is it?” I asked.
“What do you mean?” he shot back. “I’m not the kind of person to ask a girl to have a baby out of wedlock, much less have an abortion.”
“Nevertheless, those were some options available to you, weren’t they?” I pressed.
“No, they weren’t. I couldn’t have asked her to do those things. They were not options for me,” Alan stubbornly retorted.
“Alan, you keep saying that these options weren’t really options. Yet they were. You just chose not to take them,” I replied just as stubbornly.
The Lies We Believe Page 18