“You reap what you sow” is central to the theme of this book. If you “sow” lies in your mind long enough, you will reap all the emotional and spiritual problems that lies cause. On the other hand, if you “sow” truth in your mind long enough, you will reap all the healthy benefits that the truth can lead to. We are, to a large degree, what we think. If you want to know what you will be like in ten years, it will pretty much come down to what you spent those years telling yourself. If you spend the next ten years sowing lies in your mind, you will be a mess in ten years. If you spend the next ten years sowing truth in your mind, you will be the kind of person you always dreamed of being.
What kind of sower are you?
Growthwork
“You reap what you sow” is a psychological/spiritual law you can’t violate. It applies to you whether you want it to or not.
You do have a choice concerning which version of reaping and sowing you make your own. If you sow unhealthy thoughts and actions, you will experience painful, destructive reaping. If you sow healthy thoughts and actions, you will experience life in full.
Take a minute to apply the sow/reap principle to your life. What are some of the ways that you have experienced the up and down side of this truth? Write them in your journal. Let me lead the way for you by sharing some of my own:
Positive Sowing Positive Reaping
1. Have paid off monthly debts every month for years. 1. Debt free (except for our house).
2. Have exercised regularly for years. 2. Physically fit, at appropriate weight.
Negative Sowing Negative Reaping
1. Have stayed up late working and watching television for years. 1. Find it difficult to go to bed before 1:00 or 2:00 A.M.
2. Have been work and productivity oriented most of my adult life. 2. Have a hard time relaxing and being able to have fun.
I think you get the point. My life has seen both the positive and the negative sides of sowing and reaping, and I am sure yours has too. In your journal, try to write down as many examples of each as you can think of.
Once you have done that, I want you to take another step. On the negative side of reaping what you have sown, choose one that you are willing to do something about. Ask a friend or group of friends to hold you accountable for making some changes in this area.
For example, you may have chosen to face a problem with too many years of not exercising or dieting properly, or you may have chosen to face being in debt because you have allowed your spending to go beyond what you make. Whatever you chose, get some help to turn it around.
A quick thought. There is an expression that says, “Nature abhors a vacuum.” The personal growth implication of this statement is this: you can’t just stop doing something; you have to put something in its place. If you are trying to stop watching so much television, you have to replace that behavior with something healthier—reading good books, taking walks, playing board games with the family, or getting some extra sleep. In your efforts to move from negative sowing/reaping to positive sowing/reaping, think not only about what you want to stop sowing but also about what you want to start sowing.
Again, make sure you have someone in your life who knows what you are trying to do and can hold you accountable for doing it. Efforts to make changes by yourself are almost always doomed to fail. Find a Tonto so that the journey to making needed personal changes isn’t a lonely one.
15
YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO ANYTHING
This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
—George Bernard Shaw
One of the most difficult attitude problems any counselor faces is that of entitlement. Entitlement is an attitude of “I’m owed . . .” or “I deserve . . .” based on who one is or what one has done. It is apparent in statements such as:
“I’m a college graduate, so I deserve a high-paying job.”
“I’ve been good to my friends, so they should be good to me too.”
“I’m a senior citizen, so I deserve younger people’s respect.”
“I have had a lot of negative experiences, so life owes me something better.”
“I took good care of my kids when they were young, so I am entitled to their help when I grow old.”
Our culture loves to foster entitlement notions in us. During the 1970s, McDonald’s restaurants built an entire ad campaign around this slogan: “You deserve a break today.” Notice that McDonald’s didn’t say, “You need a break today” or “You probably want a break today” or “Wouldn’t a break today be nice!” No, McDonald’s wanted to convince you that you deserve a break—you’re entitled to one because you are such a wonderful person or you do so much hard work! In the 1990s, it was, “You owe it to yourself to buy a Mercedes-Benz.” Again, the idea isn’t that you need a car or want a car, but that you owe it to yourself. And not just any car, but a Mercedes-Benz—that’s how awesome you are! Society continues to bombard us with the message that we are deserving people who are entitled to wonderful things.
Nothing could be farther from the truth. As hard as it may be for you to hear this, I want to tell you something loud and clear: you are not entitled to anything while you are on the planet! You do not deserve a break today! You do not owe it to yourself to get a Mercedes-Benz! You are not entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”!
Demanding Versus Desiring
There, I’m glad I got that off my chest! Now, before you throw this book in the trash, I want you to look at the other side of the coin. Although you are not entitled to anything, you have all the freedom in the world to “want” things in life. Wanting something (within reason) is fine, but feeling entitled to it is pathological. There is a huge difference between wanting something and feeling entitled to it.
What is the difference between wanting and thinking you are entitled to something? Let me walk you through a scenario to help you see just how big the difference is.
Let’s say I am the world’s greatest husband (a real stretch, granted). Let’s say that I love my wife, Holly, unconditionally, and that I meet all of her needs 100 percent of the time. Let’s say, though, that there are two versions of me as this perfect husband. Perfect Husband Version A feels entitled to getting the same thing in return from Holly, and Perfect Husband Version B wants the same thing in return. Now, let’s see how different they are in life.
Let’s say I come home from work after a long day, and I am Version A. I’m thinking, Holly owes me love (kindness, support, attention), given that I am loving to her all the time. Well, one of two things can happen at this point. First, let’s say Holly is loving. That’s great, but the problem is, I was expecting that from her. All I’m thinking is, She is just giving me what I deserved, what she owed me. Consequently, I don’t really, truly appreciate her offering of love. The second thing that can happen is that Holly isn’t loving. I become pretty upset and resentful, thinking, After all the love I have given her, how dare she not love me in return?
Before we move on to Version B of me, I want you to notice that the best that can come out of feeling entitled to my wife’s love is that I don’t appreciate it when she gives it. The worst that comes out of thinking I am owed her love is a great deal of anger, resentment, and bitterness toward her that she failed to give me what I felt I was entitled to. The emotional ceiling in the relationship is set very low here and can’t get any higher as long as I think I’m entitled to Holly’s love.
Now, compare this to me as Version B. I come home from a long day at work wanting Holly’s love but not feeling entitled to it. One of two things can happen at this point. First, Holly acts lovingly. If she does, my thoughts would be like these: Wow, I really appreciate the fact that she is loving toward me. I know she
doesn’t have to love me, and it means a lot to me that she does. Yet it is also possible that Holly does not act lovingly that day, but wanting her love and not getting it lead to thoughts like these: It hurts that she isn’t being loving. I was hoping she would be. She doesn’t have to love me, so I am not bitter. But wanting her love is fine, and I feel hurt and disappointed that it didn’t come.
Notice the difference in the possible results of wanting Holly’s love. If I get it, I am thankful, appreciative, and happy. If I don’t get it, I feel hurt and disappointed. Do you see how high the ceiling in the marriage is raised when I want (versus feel entitled to) love from my wife? The highest I get with entitlement is a lack of appreciation when love comes. The highest with wanting her love is appreciation when it comes. The lowest I get with feeling entitled to Holly’s love is pretty low—resentment, bitterness, even rage. The lowest I get with wanting her love is hurt and disappointment.
I believe bitterness and resentment are poisonous emotional toxins to the human soul that we were not meant to be able to handle. The only way you can end up with these two is to stomp around the planet feeling entitled to things. That is how bitterness and resentment are created. On the other hand, not getting what you want in life doesn’t create toxins. Hurt and disappointment don’t destroy you—they are painful feelings and not easy to carry, but you can handle them.
The point is this: there is a huge emotional difference between what entitlement produces in us and what wanting something produces in us. We need to see that entitlement thinking is the kiss of death to emotional well-being and healthy relationships with others. If you want a sure prescription for being miserable, think you are entitled to something.
You Owe Me!
To some degree, we all have entitlement feelings. We all carry around some degree of feeling owed for something we have done or for some wonderful thing we are. When we feel entitled, we focus on what we are owed, not what we might need to do for others. It is a “one-way street” mind-set. Unfortunately, the one-way street of entitlement has a horrible collision waiting for us down the road.
Such was the case of Stan and Julie, a couple who came to see me because their marriage was in serious trouble. They had been married for just a year and were already contemplating a divorce. They were extremely angry and bitter toward each other, and each felt that the other person was to blame for how bad their marriage had turned out (the “all our marital problems are your fault” lie). As I explored their feelings with them, I began to see just how strongly both felt entitled to certain things from the marriage.
“Julie never listens to what I have to say,” Stan complained. “She wants to be heard, but she never wants to listen.”
“That’s not true,” Julie replied defensively. “I’m more than happy to listen. It’s Stan who’s never willing to listen to what I have to say.”
“Why should I listen to you?” snapped Stan. “All you ever do is attack me for not meeting your needs . . . as if anyone could! You take and take and take, but you never want to give back.”
“Boy, this is the pot calling the kettle black. All you ever do is think about what you want and how you are going to get it,” Julie fired back.
I lifted my hands.
“Time out for just a second. Both of you sound pretty angry. You both seem to feel that something isn’t being offered that you deserve.”
“Well, I know I don’t get what I deserve from Julie,” Stan acknowledged. “I work hard all day, take care of the upkeep on both of our cars, mow the lawn, pay the bills . . . I do everything and she’s not grateful.”
“He’s far worse,” Julie countered. “I work all day, too, but I still do the laundry and most of the cooking. But does he show any gratitude? Never!”
They glared at each other, unblinking.
“I think I see one of the main problems in your marriage,” I said as referee. “Both of you seem to have a pretty strong case of it.”
“What are you talking about?” Julie asked.
“It seems to me that each of you feels entitled to the other’s love,” I explained. “Each of you seems to believe that the other person is indebted to you for what you do. You expect special treatment as appropriate payment. Indirectly, you both are saying to each other, ‘Because I did this for you, I am entitled to something from you.’”
“So? What’s wrong with that?” Stan asked, exasperated. “The whole world is based on ‘I do this for you and you do that for me.’ Give and take. You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours. Why shouldn’t marriage be the same way?”
“Stan, a 50-50 approach to marriage doesn’t work,” I answered. “Feeling you deserve or are owed something from each other only fosters rebellion in each of you.”
“Dr. Thurman, I’m not sure what you mean. Are you saying that if I love Julie, I don’t deserve to be loved back?” Stan responded in his typical defensive manner.
“Yes, Stan, I am. It isn’t your birthright to get something back just because you offer it in your marriage.”
“Then why would anybody in his right mind want to give anything in marriage?” Stan demanded.
“Because it’s the right thing to do.”
“What!” Stan said, nearly gasping. “You’re joking, right?”
“No joke,” I assured him. “I’m suggesting you need to do things like listen to each other, help each other, and work for each other with no strings attached because it is the mature and healthy thing to do. Look what happens when the two of you don’t: you both become bitter and vindictive.
“It is human nature to rebel when we feel that people think they are entitled to our doing things for them. We don’t appreciate the lack of respect that conveys. You rebel toward each other to show that you don’t have to do what the other expects. The response is childish, but it’s typical.
“You both throw your personal versions of a temper tantrum, and everyone loses. Demand or feel entitled to ‘something for something’ from each other, and you will continue to see the relationship suffer. The only relationships that really work are 100-100 relationships—those where both partners do what is loving and right, whether they get anything back or not.”
“What if the other person doesn’t do the same thing?” Stan kept pressing.
“Wouldn’t the marriage get out of balance fast?”
“Yes, it could, but would that be any worse than the situation you’re already in? Marriages based on nonentitlement don’t typically get out of balance. When both people are doing what needs to be done without feeling entitled to payback, the marriage usually stays on pretty solid ground. Taking a nonentitlement stance with each other usually fosters emotional health, cooperation, and mutual respect. Marriages based on ‘something for something’ (entitlement) are doomed from the start. They never work!” I stated adamantly, knowing how cut and dried it sounded.
“So you’re saying that a lot of our marital problems come from feeling that we are owed each other’s attention, love, help, and so on,” Julie summarized.
“Our marriage is troubled because we feel entitled to things from each other when we really aren’t. And because we approach each other that way, we end up rebelling toward each other.”
“I’m saying that is one of the more critical elements in why your marriage has been so troubled, yes,” I replied.
That was the first time Stan and Julie had been asked to look at the issue of entitlement in their marriage. It was a new concept for them and one that was hard to see at first. They continued in their old patterns of “I did this for you, so you should do this for me” for a while, but small changes did occur as time went on. They eventually came to see the truth that they were not entitled to each other’s love, respect, loyalty, and help. This truth helped them appreciate what the other person did in the marriage, and they started to sense that their marriage could be saved and enriched. They rebelled less toward each other. Entitlement thinking came close to destroying their marriage; nonentitlement
thinking helped to heal it.
Entitlement and You
How much entitlement do you walk around with in your life? I can see a fair amount of it in mine. I feel those “I deserve” feelings more often than I want to admit. Even in small things, I can see the problem. When I hold a door open for someone, I feel he owes me a “thank you,” and I get miffed when I don’t get one. In my marriage, I sometimes catch myself thinking, Holly owes me ________ because I did __________ for her. Even with my kids, I run into it. If I go to a lot of trouble to make a day special for them, I can sometimes find myself thinking, Okay, you kids owe me some good behavior, as well as your lifelong appreciation for what a great dad I am. (Unfortunately, they are thinking, We are so doggone cute, it must be a real privilege for Dad to get to spend a day with such adorable kids as we are. We are responsible for most of the old boy’s joy in life. He really owes us a lot.)
The painful truth is that we are not entitled to anything on this planet. We aren’t entitled to education, housing, health care, crime-free cities, an unpolluted world, love, kindness, fairness, or support. We are not even guaranteed a place in heaven. We aren’t owed a high-paying job, healthy kids, or a “thank you” for a job well done. Wanting each of these things is great. Getting off our duffs and pursuing them is even greater. If they come our way, we are truly blessed and need to be appreciative. If they don’t, we feel (deeply) disappointed and should.
Entitlement is a self-serving, arrogant attitude that creates bitterness and resentment in those of us who think this way and drives away people around us who don’t like being treated in such a manner. Before you move on to the next chapter, take a minute to examine your entitlement assumptions. Have you fallen into this way of thinking? Toward whom or what do you harbor feelings of entitlement? How has it affected you emotionally? How has it affected your relationships?
Are you willing to try to let go of entitlement attitudes and feelings wherever they may be directed? My hope is that this chapter has helped you recognize your need for change in this area and that you will decide to change.
The Lies We Believe Page 23