_____________________________ •_____________________________
_____________________________ •_____________________________
Next, I would like you to identify two people from your life: the person you feel hurt you the most and the person you feel loved you the most. Write down the emotional needs that were unmet by the first person and the emotional needs that were met by the second person.
The person who hurt me the most:___________________________________
The emotional needs that they didn’t meet:
* * *
* * *
* * *
The person who loved me the most:__________________________________
The emotional needs that they didn’t meet:
* * *
* * *
Although we do not need to apologize for having emotional needs or for feeling hurt and angry when they go unmet, we often do need to apologize for how badly we handle those two feelings when we have them. There are five main ways we tend to mishandle hurt and anger related to unmet emotional needs. For each of the five, write down any examples of how you act this way when your emotional needs aren’t met.
1. Isolate/Stuff (say/do nothing, hide feelings, act fine):
* * *
* * *
* * *
2. Attack/Spew (yell, browbeat, hit, break things):
* * *
* * *
* * *
3. Indirect Attack (cold shoulder, aloofness, cynicism, sarcasm):
* * *
* * *
* * *
4. Self-Medicate (drugs, alcohol, food, sex, work, spending, TV):
* * *
* * *
* * *
5. Perfectionism (try to be flawless):
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
Not only are we wounded by others when they don’t meet our emotional needs, but we tend to wound others by not meeting their emotional needs as well. Usually, we pay more attention to how others hurt us than how we hurt them. To fight that tendency, I want you to think for a minute or two about who you have hurt by failing to meet their emotional needs. Who are the people you have hurt, and which of their emotional needs did you fail to meet?
I hurt ______________________________ when I failed to meet his/her emotional need(s) for _________________________________________________ by ______________________________________________________________________
I hurt ______________________________ when I failed to meet his/her emotional need(s) for _________________________________________________ by ______________________________________________________________________
I hurt ______________________________ when I failed to meet his/her emotional need(s) for _________________________________________________ by ______________________________________________________________________
They say that confession is good for the soul. I want you to put that into practice by going to one of the people you mentioned here and confessing your failure to meet his or her emotional needs, asking for forgiveness, and committing yourself to meet his or her needs more consistently. Be careful—don’t confess your “sins” unless you mean it and are ready to change.
Now, focus on your emotional needs for a minute. From the list that I gave you, what would you say are your top three (the three needs that are the most important to you)?
My top three emotional needs are
1. ______________________________
2. ______________________________
3. ______________________________
Of the three emotional needs you identified, choose one that you would like a certain person to meet and ask him/her (nicely) if he/she would be willing to meet it. Yes, I know this sounds forward or brash or selfish, but it really is a way to practice humility and brokenness if you look at it from the right angle. Going to someone and saying, “Would you be willing to affirm me when you see me doing something good?” is admitting to a need and owning up to the fact that you are not self-sufficient in meeting all your own needs. You allow others in your life to feel needed, something that benefits them. Everyone wins when we appropriately let our needs be known and allow others to meet them.
The flip side of that assignment is something I want you to do as well. Show the list of emotional needs to someone to whom you are close, and ask him or her if there is any need you could meet for him in the weeks to come. Give him or her a chance to let you meet his needs.
More broadly, I want to challenge you to step out onto the planet each day and look for ways to meet the emotional needs of people—friends, coworkers, subordinates, strangers, you name it. Each and every day is an opportunity to make the world a better place in this way. You will be amazed at how much people will brighten up when you meet their emotional needs, and you will also be amazed at what they will do in return to meet yours.
There are a few Bible verses I want you to read and summarize before this workout is over. They drive home the point that God knows what we need, is committed to meeting all of our needs, and wants us to love others by being committed to meeting their needs as well.
Matthew 6:7–8:
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
Philippians 4:19:
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
1 John 3:17–18:
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
Enough said.
Week Twelve:
Developing the Mind of Christ
This final workout has the potential to be extremely powerful in helping to change your life for the better. I hope you will do this workout (and the other ones) time and time again.
I want you to choose one of the four Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John) and read it from start to finish. As you read it, I want you to take the A-B-C model and apply it to the life of Christ. Specifically, I want you to write down the events (“A”) that happened to Him, what His self-talk about those events was (“B”), and how He reacted (“C”).
The hardest part of the assignment will be discerning Christ’s self-talk (“B”) since we can’t know for sure. Do your best to get inside the “mind” of Christ and figure out what He told Himself in the face of the things that happened to Him. Remember, as you fill in “B,” whatever you put there has to be objective truth. Christ never told Himself anything that was untrue, so the entries you make for “B” must reflect that.
To help you along, let me take an event from the life of Christ and run it through the A-B-C model:
“A” (Event) “B” (Self-Talk) “C” (Response)
Christ asked three of His disciples to watch and pray while He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. I needed their support, and they fell asleep in My hour of need. It hurts that they were unwilling to do what I asked. I love them,but they have let Me down. Felt hurt and disappointed; told them what He felt; went and prayed.
Now, it’s your turn. I have provided space for nine A-B-Cs from the life of Christ for you to enter. Make any additional entries on separate pieces of paper.
“A” (Event) “B” (Self-Talk) “C” (Response)
What Happened to Christ What Christ Thought How Christ Responded
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ _______________
____
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
Passage:_______________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
______________________ ___________________ ___________________
When you finish, I want you to take a minute and review your entries. What main thing did you learn about the mind of Christ from doing this assignment?
* * *
* * *
In what ways would you say that Christ’s self-talk (His thoughts) is different from your own?
* * *
* * *
One of the more interesting statements about the mind of Christ is found in Philippians 2:5–7. Read that passage and summarize what it says in your own words in the space provided:
* * *
* * *
Do you have this same attitude in you? Explain.
* * *
* * *
A final assignment. I want you to put into action what you have learned about the mind of Christ. What attitude did Christ have that you can translate into action? For example, Christ had the attitude of “servant.” In what way could you translate that attitude into serving somebody this week? Think about the various attitudes of Christ and how you could put them into action if you thought that way too.
Congratulations! You have completed twelve weeks of growing stronger in the truth. I hope you can see positive results in your life that are encouraging to you. May God continue to richly bless all the effort you have put into reading this book and doing the assignments. May I encourage you to keep working on defeating your lies with the truth and becoming the person God wants you to be. Keep fighting the good fight!
In order to help you maintain the gains you have made and progress even further, I want to give you your final assignment. It is aimed at helping you stay “fit” the rest of your life as far as dedicating yourself to the truth and enjoying all the benefits of doing so. The workout I want you to do the rest of your life is this:
1. Begin every day with thirty minutes of reading the Bible and praying to God. Ask God not only for help to believe what the Bible says but the courage to apply it to your life.
2. Memorize key passages of the Bible that speak to the issues you struggle with.
3. Meditate on key passages of the Bible that speak to the issues you struggle with.
4. Fellowship on a regular basis with other Christians. Share your life openly with them, allow them to support and challenge you to live your life according to the Bible.
5. Read biblically-solid books on topics that you need to help with (see Appendix E for a short list of the ones I recommend).
6. Seek biblical counseling for help with chronic problems.
7. Never quit!
I pray that God will continue to richly bless your efforts to know the truth and be set free by it.
EPILOGUE
The world is a fractured place. One sign of that is how much pain people are in. Everywhere you look, human beings are hurting and hurting deeply. Perhaps the ultimate sign that the world is fractured is that some people are in so much pain and feel so hopeless that they take their own lives.
Why is the world so broken? Why are so many people miserable? Why are so many relationships troubled? Why does God seem so far away, and why do things seem so meaningless and hopeless? While there are numerous reasons, the focus of this book has been on what I think to be the main one—the lies we believe. Lies destroy those of us who believe them and make the world the troubled place it is.
Lies killed Admiral Boorda. Which lies? None of us can know for sure, but we have covered some in this book that allow us to make an educated guess. Of the many lies he might have told himself, one might have been, “It is unforgivable to make a serious error.” Yes, he may have made a serious error in judgment (some in the navy apparently believe he was entitled to wear the ribbons). The lie is that what he did was unforgivable. Other than not believing in God, no mistake we make is unforgivable.
Perhaps another lie Admiral Boorda told himself was, “The mistakes we make should be severely punished, and some mistakes are so horrible that they should cost you your life.” The truth is that mistakes, however large or small, have their own built-in punishment. Admiral Boorda’s was personal embarrassment and the possible disciplinary action the navy might have taken. That was more than enough. We do not need to add any further punishment on top of what our mistakes cause on their own. Admiral Boorda might also have believed the lie “I must have everyone’s approval.” The medal he wore indicated combat experience. According to the reports Admiral Boorda had never been in combat. Maybe he felt bad about that. Maybe Admiral Boorda thought that left him with less approval and respect from the men who served under him who had been in combat. Quite possibly, Admiral Boorda’s need for their approval led him to wear a medal he may not have earned the right to wear.
A final lie Admiral Boorda might have told himself was, “My life is mine to take.” The truth of the matter is that God is the Giver of life. He is the reason we exist. We do not give ourselves life, and God does not want any of us presuming to end our lives as if they are ours to take.
If Admiral Boorda had told himself to the truth, I believe he would still be alive today. If he shouldn’t have worn certain medals, the truth he could have told himself would have been, “God, I made a mistake, a serious mistake. What I did was wrong. Forgive me for misrepresenting myself to others and for needing their approval so badly that I would violate Your moral law. Help me to be courageous enough to face the consequences for what I did, however severe they may be. Thank You for giving me life and all the blessings of my life. I know that Your ways are best and that You will bring good out of this bad situation. My life is in Your hands.” The truth would have set Admiral Boorda free.
Is the truth setting you free? Are you dedicating yourself to believing and living the truth each day whateve
r your circumstances may be? Are you allowing the truth to give you life and life in full? I pray that you are.
APPENDICES
Appendix A
SECULAR AND BIBLICAL TEACHINGS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF “RIGHT” THINKING FOR EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL HEALTH
Secular Teachings
Epictetus: “Man is disturbed not by things but by the view he takes of them.”
William Shakespeare: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
Benedict (Baruch) Spinoza: “I saw that all the things I feared, and which feared me, had nothing good or bad in them insofar as the mind was affected by them.”
Marcus Aurelius: “If you are pained by an external thing, it is not the thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now.”
Immanuel Kant: “The only feature common to all mental disorders is the loss of common sense and the compensatory development of a unique private sense of reasoning.”
The Lies We Believe Page 34