He sat on the ledge. “No, that isn’t what I’m proposing. I really don’t know what I’m proposing, because I’ve been blindsided by you. I do know that I want to see you again.”
“Oh. Check yes or no, will you be my girlfriend?” she teased.
He didn’t laugh. Or smile. He wasn’t joking. But she needed to say or to do something because her heart was racing, wanting something so badly and knowing that this couldn’t be real. Things like this didn’t happen to her. And if they did, they ended badly.
“Sierra, I don’t know how to make this work or what to do next. I only know that I want to be around you more.”
“But you’re going back to Dallas, to the life you’ve made there. I’m still going to be here in Hope.”
“We can work this out.”
She shook her head. “There’s one other problem.”
“What’s that?”
She wished she could sink into the floor of the gazebo. “I don’t know what I’m feeling, and that isn’t fair to you. Max, I love your family. I seriously want them to be my family. And you’re amazing and wonderful. Everything a girl should want. But I’m afraid I’ll do something stupid and muck things up between us. Or I’ll figure out that it wasn’t us, it was Christmas and having a family like yours to spend time with. What if that is all I’m feeling?”
His eyes widened and he laughed a little. “You’re being serious?”
She nodded, wishing she wasn’t about to cry. “I’m so serious. This is what I meant about making a mess of things. But I’ve never had a real family, not like yours. I love their meals, the honeymoon blanket, the dance.”
“Can’t you like us all? I mean, obviously like me a little more than you like them. But can’t we be a package deal?”
“I don’t like kissing them, I’m sure.” It helped, to tease a little. But inside she was falling apart. “I don’t want to drag you into my life just because I want your family.”
She brushed at the tears rolling down her cheeks, even though she was laughing. Laughter was better than the pain of knowing this wouldn’t end well.
“Sierra, I want to laugh with you more often. I want to hold you when you’re afraid.”
“This sounds like a proposal. I thought we were just discussing having dinner somewhere other than Holly’s.”
“That’s what we are discussing,” he agreed, sitting next to her on the bench. “I’m sure I said everything all wrong and now we have this gap between us and I really want to know that you might someday consider having dinner with me.”
“I have to remind you that you’re leaving, going back to Dallas. And in my experience, long-distance relationships rarely work out. I didn’t expect to like you or your family so much. It scares me and I don’t know what to do.”
“It did happen quickly,” he agreed. “And maybe I should have let the dust settle before I said something.”
“Right. Like buying a car.”
“I would never regret you.”
“You might,” she said. “You don’t really know me. I’m like the shiny new thing that you think will make you happy but then you get it home and find out just how broken it is and there’s no return policy. You’re stuck with the broken thing.”
“I hope that isn’t how you see yourself, because it isn’t how I see you. I see you as one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. But you don’t know how amazing you are.”
“I’m not amazing. I’m afraid. I’m sitting here wondering if I’m about to lose someone who was becoming a friend, all because I know I can’t take the next step for fear I don’t know myself well enough to let you in. I’m not sure I’m ready for more than friendship, and when I do let someone in, I want to be able to give them more.”
He’d been standing on the opposite side of the gazebo but he moved to join her on the bench. She closed her eyes as he touched her cheek, then leaned to touch his lips to hers for a sweet kiss that felt like goodbye. When he broke it off, he looked deep into her eyes.
“Find yourself, Sierra. But know that I’ve already figured out who you are and I like the person I’ve gotten to know.”
Then he walked away, leaving her shattered, wishing for something she couldn’t quite grasp.
Her heart ached as she watched him go. She wanted to call him back but she knew, deep down in her heart, that wasn’t enough. She didn’t want pieces of him, she wanted all of him. And she wanted to give him all of her.
Chapter Seventeen
“Are you okay?” Kylie asked Sierra for about the dozenth time since they’d arrived at the Stable on Saturday evening, the night of the Christmas at the Ranch event.
Sierra gave the same answer she’d given every other time Kylie asked. “Of course I’m okay.”
“Nope, you’re not anything close to okay,” Kylie responded. She reached down to pet Bub, who had been to the vet the previous day and had his cast taken off. He still limped a bit but he was happy to be back on his feet and back on duty.
Not that the broken leg had stopped him from doing his job. Since last Sunday he’d been sleeping in Sierra’s bed, even though she’d had to lift him up and down each time.
Sierra went through the building, turning on lights. The chapel glowed with Christmas lights, a couple of dozen Christmas trees and the soft glow of the chandeliers. There would be music to start the evening and then a reading of the Christmas story. She loved that it would be here, in this chapel that had come to mean so much to her.
Kylie had followed her into the chapel and she put an arm around Sierra’s shoulders as she surveyed the work that had been done. “This is amazing.”
“Thank you. It does look nice.”
Kylie gave her a sharp and intuitive look. “You’re one of my very best friends. You know that, right?”
“I know.” Sierra smiled. “I feel the same way.”
“So?”
Sierra sighed. “Is this the part where you want me to tell you what’s bothering me?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Last Sunday, when we were setting this all up, Max and I had a moment.”
Kylie got a look in her eyes but she didn’t say anything.
“We talked and I told him I don’t know what I feel for him, because I’ve never had a family and his family is so amazing and I love being around them. And what if I like the idea of his family more than I like him.” She cringed now as she said it to her friend. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Not an idiot, but wow.” Kylie tried to stifle a giggle.
“That isn’t nice.” She wandered farther into the chapel, hoping to find some of the peace she seemed to have lost. “He lives in Dallas and I live here. He wanted to know if sometimes when he’s here, if maybe we could go out to dinner. And I don’t want to risk my heart that way.”
“Makes perfect sense to me.”
“Does it?” Sierra wasn’t so sure.
“Yeah, it does.”
Sierra looked around the chapel, finding it just as golden in the evening light as in the morning. “This is my place. I belong here, at this ranch, with all of you. I’ve never belonged anywhere. But now? Kylie, now I want to belong to someone. I don’t want a casual date from time to time when he’s in town. Not if it means he goes back to his world and I stay in mine.” She bent down to Bub to give him a kiss on his head. “I want to belong to a person. Maybe all of this happened so that I can realize that I’m okay and I can be loved. I can hug someone and not panic, kiss someone and not fear.”
“That’s possible,” Kylie said in her understated way.
“But?”
“But I know that you don’t give your emotions away without thinking through every single aspect of the relationship, and I know that you’ve been testing the waters with Max because you’re drawn to him.”
“I am, but I fear what might happen l
ater on down the road. I feel like I’m finally healing, like I’m more whole than I’ve ever been in my life, but what if my brokenness hurts him?”
“It won’t.” Kylie raised a hand when she started to object. “And if it does? He’s a grown man, he can handle it. He can handle your insecurities. If he loves you, he can handle it. Carson and I were both pretty broken people when he came back to Hope. We took two broken people and we made a whole.”
“My parents were both broken people and they were never whole. They couldn’t fix each other because they needed to work on themselves.”
Kylie grimaced. “They were dysfunctional and they hurt each other and their child. I think the difference is that some of us lean on each other and become whole together. Some people keep each other broken and hurting.”
Sierra did something she’d never done before. She grabbed Kylie and gave her a hug. “I’m so glad you’re my friend.”
She walked off, wiping at the tears that trickled down her cheeks. She wished she hadn’t met Max St. James because meeting him meant missing him. Missing his family. That was the problem. She loved them all.
She loved him.
The arena area was brightly lit and decorated with Christmas trees. The gifts were spread out, each area cordoned off to keep them separate. The parents would get a card and go from one section to another, the cards signed after each section. It would keep things moving and less chaotic than people rushing from place to place.
Melody entered the room looking a little overwhelmed. Eyes wide, she came to stand by Sierra. “Are you okay?”
Sierra nodded. “Of course I am.”
“I’m so glad you’re a planner. I’m not. I can come up with an idea but I definitely couldn’t have done this, not this efficiently with so little time.”
“I love organizing, it makes me happy.” She had never thought of it before, that need to organize, to make things neat.
“Really? Being organized makes me feel good but the act of getting organized is...” Melody shook her head.
“I think it must have happened in my childhood.” Sierra said it quietly, not realizing she was speaking out loud.
“What?” Melody looked lost.
“The need to be organized. Making order out of chaos. It’s what I did to comfort myself. My home life was a little chaotic and I would find solace in organizing. I would go to my room and organize my closets, dresser, whatever. And if my parents weren’t at home, I organized the kitchen. And I baked.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
“No, I know. It isn’t something I like to talk about.” Sierra glanced at her watch. “I think we should be ready. People will be showing up soon.”
“Oh, of course.” Melody started to walk away but Sierra stopped her.
“I forgot to tell you, I’m going to buy the Cupcake Café!”
Melody’s smile returned. “I’m so glad. You’re perfect for that place. What about the Stable, though?”
“I’ll continue to help manage it but I think Glory will take over. She’s a romantic at heart and she’ll plan beautiful weddings.” Sierra made herself smile. “Ok, let’s get this party started.”
They were waiting at the doors when the first buses and cars started to arrive. Workers were in the kitchen getting the food prepared for a buffet-style meal. The music ministry from one of the local churches had set up in the chapel.
The first family through the doors was Patsy with her children. Linnie gave her a big hug as if she’d been missing her for days.
“Didn’t I just see you a little over an hour ago?” Sierra asked Linnie.
“Yep,” Linnie said. “But now it’s Christmas.”
“Well, not quite, but it’s Christmas in this chapel.”
Patsy reached for Sierra’s hand and held it tightly. “I am so very glad that this chapel found Linnie and she found you.”
“Me, too.” Sierra couldn’t believe how much had happened in the past few weeks. “It’s been a journey.”
Nearly two hundred people packed into the chapel. Some were there to support the service, others were there for their children.
Sierra stood at the back of the chapel listening to the choir voices raised in not so perfect harmony. When they began “Silent Night,” her eyes went misty. She closed them and sang along, quietly.
She wished Max was here. But he wasn’t. His mother had told her he’d flown back to Dallas. He had business to take care of there. She wished he could see what they’d accomplished. She wanted him to hear the music in this chapel, see the story of the Nativity read by Jack and let the laughter of children wash over him as they discovered Christmas gifts, cakes, cookies and other treats.
She had Nonni, Aldridge, Doreena and Melody. His family. She realized that, without him, it wasn’t the same.
He hadn’t said goodbye.
* * *
Max sat at his desk with the view of the Dallas skyline and he was miserable. A knock on the door stopped him from doing... Nothing.
“What’s going on in here?” His business partner, Roger Anderson, walked through the door, leaning heavily on the cane he hated using. It was that injury that had brought the two of them together. Max had been developing software. Roger had wanted to develop something to keep soldiers safer in the field. A training program to teach them real-life exercises.
The two of them had gone to college together and now they were best friends and business partners.
“So?” Roger asked.
“Just thinking.”
“Uh-oh, this can’t be good. I haven’t known you to think much about anything other than making money for the past eight years.”
“Yeah, well, sometimes a guy gets a wake-up call.”
“This has ‘female’ written all over it. You’ve met a woman.”
Max tapped his pen on the desktop. “Yeah, I guess I have.”
“And she rejected you!”
“You don’t have to look so happy about that.”
Roger sank heavily into the chair next to the desk. “I’m not happy, I’m just glad to see you having some real human emotions. I was starting to worry.”
“I have emotions.”
“Maybe, but you’ve put everything on hold to be a businessman. You know, you can do both. You can have a business and a life. This business is built, Max. You have a partner who can do more. You have an assistant who is dynamite. Dude, why are you here?”
“Running the business,” Max said.
“Yeah, right. You’re safe here. You know what you’re doing and you rarely fail. But at relationships, you kind of stink.”
“Great. Thanks.”
“I’m just being honest.” Roger sat back in the chair, stretching his leg in front of him. “Have you been honest with this woman?”
“Yeah, I have.”
“Bought her flowers?”
He cleared his throat. “I actually am going to buy her a horse.”
“Really, a horse. Because every woman wants a horse.”
“I think this one does.”
“When am I going to meet her?”
Max shrugged and looked down at his vibrating phone. A call from his dad. He let it go to voice mail.
“I’m not sure,” he answered Roger. “I have work to get done here. Being gone a month, things got behind.”
“No, they didn’t.”
“You’re saying I’m not needed here?” Max asked.
“Nope, I’m saying you did a good job from your Hope office.”
“Of course.”
Roger pushed to his feet. “I want you to know that you’re needed in this office but you also need to follow your heart. The office is going to be here, you can fly in, check on things. You can run it remotely from that farm you insisted on buying. But a good woman won’t wait for long.
I’m just going to put this out there for you to think about. In a year, will it bother you to see her walking down the street with another man?”
“You’re a great friend, Roger. But respectfully—go away!” Max said.
Roger made his way from the room. At the door, Max stopped him. “She isn’t sure if she likes me or the idea of my family.”
Roger turned around, resting his hand on the door for support. “Ouch, that couldn’t have been good on the ego.”
“It doesn’t have anything to do with my ego. Could a woman fall for my family and I’m like the...”
“Icing on the cake?” Roger chuckled.
“Yeah.”
“I mean, I guess that could happen.” Roger took a step from the room. “I’ve met your family. I’m half in love with them myself. If Nonni was younger...”
Max wadded up a scrap piece of paper and tossed it at his friend. “Thanks for nothing.”
“Always here to help.”
Max went back to work. But his phone was buzzing with a voice mail from his dad. He listened, then he put away his files, locked his cabinet and left his office.
Chapter Eighteen
“Where are you going, Sierra?” Linnie followed Sierra to the front door of their apartment.
“I have to go get a few things for Christmas. Remember, it’s tomorrow. We’re going to have dinner with Jack and open presents in the morning.”
Linnie hugged her waist. “I love you.”
Patsy reached for her daughter’s hand. “Are you sure you don’t need help at the church?”
“Nope, I’ve got this,” Sierra assured her. She hoped it was convincing. “I’m going to take some muffins over. They want a few treats for people to pick up with a cup of coffee before the service. You’re going to meet me at Holly’s in an hour, right?”
“If you’re sure.” Patsy seemed hesitant. That worried Sierra. She had one job to do. Surely she could convince Patsy to meet them at the diner.
“Of course we want you with us. We know it’s last-minute but we want to get together this evening. And, of course, bring your mom.” Sierra pushed on. “She’ll love the café.”
The Rancher's Holiday Hope Page 17