“Come here, baby.” I hold my arms open, welcoming her into them. She shakes her head, the first tear sliding down her cheek.
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You’re gonna hurt me a lot more if you’re sitting there crying and I can't hold you. Get over here.”
I slide over as far as I can to give her room. It takes a few moments but I finally get her to crawl into bed next to me. I hold the blanket up so she can slide under it, I need her as close as I can get her. Head laying on my chest, her hand resting over my heart, I feel myself relax. She’s the only thing in the world that can make me feel this relaxed.
“Am I hurting you?”
“No, baby. You’re perfect.”
“I thought I lost you, Noah. You weren’t moving. I saw him going straight towards you. I screamed before he even hit you. I was so damn scared.”
“It’s all ok, darling. I'm here, I'm alive and I'm not going anywhere. I’ll never leave you.”
I stroke her cheek, wiping the tears off her face as I go. She relaxes into me, her tears slowing down.
“I can't lose you. I won’t survive.”
“You won’t.”
“Are we really going to get engaged?”
“We are engaged. We can go pick out a ring as soon as I'm outta here.”
“Really?”
“Do you wanna be my wife, baby?”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to be with me for the rest of our lives? Have a family together? Grow old together?”
“Yes, more than anything.”
“It’s all I’ve ever wanted, Frankie. You by my side. Marry me, baby, make me the happiest man in the world.”
“Yes, let’s do it.”
“I love you, future Mrs. Vaccaro.”
“I love you, future hubby.”
I thread my fingers through hers, my other arm tightening its hold on her. I'm never gonna let go. I start to drift off to sleep when I hear a soft gasp, her body going ridged in my arms.
“What’s wrong, baby?”
“Noah...” She pulls her hand away from mine. I'm about to open my eyes when I feel her soft finger tips tracing the scares on my wrist.
No! No, no, no. This can't be happening. She can't find out like this. Not tonight. Not when she just agreed to forever with me. I can't lose her. Not now.
“Noah, what are these scars from?”
“Frankie...”
“That’s why everyone’s so worried about you. That’s why everyone keeps saying you need me, that you’re just as broken as me.” I feel the tears soaking through the hospital gown once again. They soak into my skin, each one like a small dagger into my heart. I don’t want to cause this amazing woman any pain. I want to be strong for her, but in reality, I'm more broken that she is. “Tell me what happened.”
“Frankie, I don’t want to talk about it. I need time.”
She sits up so quickly, causing the bed to shake and pain to pierce through my hip, knocking the breath out of me.
“Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t be here; I should go home. I can call Miranda, she’ll come get me. You should be resting; you need to heal.” She rambles on and on, pacing back and forth. It’s what she does when she doesn’t know how to deal with something. I grab her wrist, stopping her from pacing any longer.
“Frankie, sit.” Her lips tremble, eyes flickering between my face and my scars. It doesn’t matter if I don’t want to talk about this, I have to do it for her. “Sit, baby. Let me explain.”
“Miranda knows, doesn’t she?”
“She guessed; I don’t know how but she did.”
“Her brother, she saw the signs.”
“She did.”
“Some best friend she is.”
“I asked her to let me tell you. These are my demons not hers.”
“You don’t have to tell me, Noah.”
“No, I do, baby. If you’re going to be my wife, you deserve to know the whole ugly truth. I just... I need to have you in my arms when I tell you this. Is that ok? I need to know you’re not leaving me.”
“Noah, I'm not leaving. I'm never leaving again.”
“Good, baby. I love knowing that. Climb back in here and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.”
Once she’s back in my arms, I relax slightly but I know this is going to be a hard conversation to have. I hope she can understand everything. I don’t want pity from her, I don’t want her to worry about me. I don’t want to lose her but I also don’t want her to stay with me because she’s worried I’ll do it again.
“What happened, Noah?”
“At first, I was sad, you’d just left, I lost my best friend and my entire world had been turned upside down. I figured I was just missing you, that maybe I’d get used to it and become happy again. It didn’t happen. Every day I got sadder, madder, more hopeless. I didn’t know how to handle it. Once school started, I couldn’t keep up with the work. I started falling behind in every class, the pressure was more than I could take. The only thing that made me feel good was being out on the football field. There was something about pushing my body as hard as I could, the pain of being tackled made me feel alive. Pain was the only thing making me feel anything. Without pain I was numb to everything. I stopped enjoying life entirely. I didn’t smile or laugh; I went through the motions of living without actually living. One day, I was in the garage, I was really angry about something that happened that day. I sliced my wrist open on a piece of metal that was sticking out. I watched the blood drip from me and onto the ground. The pain made me feel more alive than anything else had. I knew it wasn’t something I should be doing. Cutting isn't good but I couldn’t stop. I’d wait until the stress built up, it was my release, it made me feel like I wasn’t drowning anymore. It was like the wound released every single thought I’d kept bottled up since the last time I did it.”
Her fingers trace each and every scar like she can make them disappear.
“These aren’t fresh.”
“No, they're not, baby.”
“When was the last time?”
“About six or seven months ago.”
“How often did you do it?”
“In the beginning, all the time. My mom realized something was wrong when I constantly had a bandage wrapped around my wrists. They made me go to a psychologist, I was diagnosed with severe depression. My parents were terrified, they were afraid I’d keep doing it until one day I’d kill myself. I didn’t want to hurt myself, I just wanted to feel... something... anything. I’ve worked through some things, learned to focus the anger on something productive like working out. Now I spend hours in the gym when I feel like I'm drowning.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We talked a lot in the beginning.”
“What’d you want me to do, tell you I couldn’t stand living without you? That my world was destroyed when you left? It wouldn’t have changed anything, Frankie.”
“I would’ve visited you; you could’ve visited me.”
“Don’t you get it, Frankie, I didn’t and still don’t want to be pitied or get sympathy from people. That’s why I hid it, why I still hide it. I wear those stupid cuff bracelets so people don’t see the scars, so they don’t ask questions, so they don’t judge me on my brokenness.”
“We’re all broken, some of us just hide it better than others.”
“I’ll put your broken pieces back together, baby. I’ll make you whole again.”
“What changed?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why do you smile and laugh now?”
“That’s all you, baby. You made me feel again.”
“I thought you hated me when I came back.”
“Part of me did. You stepped out of that car like a breath of fresh air. You looked gorgeous, absolutely perfect. You ignored me like I meant nothing to you. That killed me, it was the first time I felt things in years without hurting myself.”
“I only did that because you shut me out
from the first second you saw me, then Bianca was all over you.”
“I didn’t know it was you waving to me. I didn’t know you were coming back. I wasn’t lying, I really didn’t recognize you.”
“It hurt seeing you with Bianca.”
“She’s been trying to get me to date her since you left. I’ve turned her down each time.”
“Why were you so mad when you realized we were locker buddies?”
“Baby, I'm not lying, it hurt like hell to see you and know I couldn’t have you. I didn’t know how to find my way back to how things used to be. I'm not the same person. I think I was afraid of being Noah without Frankie, I changed because I didn’t know how to be one half of us. I didn’t know how to be me without you, babe. It was bad enough seeing you at home, but then to share lockers, share classes and then share a lunch table. It was like getting sucker punched all day long.”
“But you didn’t cut?”
“No, I felt something. I felt alive. Seeing you cry, that destroyed me. I wanted to take away all that pain. I wanted what we used to have. My chest ached with a need to comfort you, to protect you, to take away your pain.”
“You did that, all of it. You’ve helped put me back together.”
“And I’ll continue to do that, for the rest of our lives.”
“I don’t know how to handle all of this.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can't stand by and watch you hurt yourself, Noah. I won’t do it.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
“You can't promise that, you don’t know how you’re going to feel.”
“Yes, I do, Frankie. As long as I have you, I feel whole, I feel loved, wanted, desired. I feel. You make me feel, that’s all I need.”
“You can't play football again.”
“I know, Kiki.”
“Does that upset you?”
“Surprisingly, no. I used football as a distraction from my misery. I'm not miserable anymore.”
“What about college? You won't get a scholarship now.”
“No, I won’t. I’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t know how to handle all of this. I don’t know how to fix things, how to make it better.”
“You don’t need to do anything, Kiki. I just need you by myself. I need you to look at me with love in your eyes, not pity. I don’t want you to stay with me out of pity. Only stay with me if you love me.”
“Of course I love you, Noah. You stole my heart long ago; you never gave it back and I'm not about to ask for it. I want you to keep it forever.”
“I love you, baby.”
“I love you too.”
We fall asleep holding onto each other like our lives depend on it, maybe they do.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Frankie
“Are you sure you’re ready to go back to school?”
“Kiki, I can't stay home forever.”
“I know, but... like you’re still in pain and it’s only been a little over a week. Don’t you think you should stay home a little bit longer?”
“I have crutches, I won’t be walking on it, babe.”
“I know. I just don’t want you to get hurt more.”
“I’ll have my personal nurse with me. My mom’s going to write you a note to get out of classes ten minutes early to meet me and take me to my next class. I can't be in the hallways with everyone else.”
“You’re so spoiled with your mom being the principal’s assistant. You could get away with anything.”
“Yup. Like spending more time with my fiancé.” I reach for her, closing the distance between us. I hate the fact I can't go to her; she always needs to come to me.
After Frankie found out about my scars, I was worried she’d treat me differently but she hasn’t. She has been absolutely amazing. Frankie’s gone out of her way to help me but never pities me. When I need to be told to grow up, she does it. When I need a dose of reality, she gives that to me too. She’s exactly who I need by my side.
She steps between my outstretched legs, wraps her arms around my neck, peering down at me.
“I just want you to heal, babe.”
“I know, princess. I'm healing as fast as I can, you’re taking good care of me.”
“How’s my favorite guy?” Miranda bounces into my room, never once knocking or texting to let us know she’s coming over. She’s helped Frankie take care of me and was there to support Frankie after she found out about my scars. Miranda’s helped me in more ways than she knows.
“Frankie’s trying to keep me home longer.”
“Oh, come on, Frankie! I need him back at school with me! I can only take so much of Liam.”
“Um, Hello! I'm there with you too!”
“I mean, yeah you are, but your pretty face does nothing for me. I need boys!”
“Did she just admit to wanting me back because I'm pretty? To my girlfriend?”
Frankie shrugs her shoulders, she doesn’t care. We both know Miranda doesn’t have a thing for me and I definitely don’t like her that way. We’re friends, nothing more.
“When you smile... damn. Total swoon worthy.”
“Those dimples though...”
“I know! I mean, it’s totally not fair that he’s that sexy.”
“Seriously, I'm sitting right here!”
“We’re saying all good things, why you complaining?”
“I don’t know.” I grumble. “It’s weird.”
“Are we making you blush, big man?”
“No!” Totally am but I'm not about to admit that.
“Oh aight, whatever you say. Better start heading down to the car if you wanna get to school. You’re slow as hell.”
“So sorry I got tackled and broke my pelvis.”
Standing with help from Frankie, I grab my crutches, slowly making my way down the steps
“Yea... I’ve been meaning to ask you... How will that affect...things?”
Frankie starts choking beside me, waving me off before I can try to help her.
“Jeez, Miranda! Can we not ask shit like that while we’re going to the steps? I don’t need him falling and breaking something else!”
“I'm sorry.” She grumbles. “I just wanted to know.”
“Twelve weeks, Randy. I’ll be good as new in twelve weeks.”
“You hear that, Frankie. Twelve weeks!” She wiggles her eyebrows at me, a huge smirk plays on her lips.
I glance over at Noah, an equally cocky smirk adorns his beautiful lips.
Chapter Forty
Frankie
I slip out of math class ten minutes early. It’s so weird being in the halls when they're completely empty, it’s creepy. On my way to Noah’s class, I spot Liam in the hall. He’s on his phone, pacing back and forth. He’s upset, completely annoyed with whoever he’s talking to. My brows furrow together as I try to figure out what I should do. I don’t want to ignore him but I also don’t want to invade his privacy. We’re friends but we haven’t known each other for long. I'm not sure how he would react.
His gaze lifts, the second he spots me his shoulders tense. Frustration rolling off him in waves. I give him a small wave before walking into Noah’s class. Liam doesn’t want me to ask, I’ll give him a break for right now.
Noah’s face lights up, a big smile spreading across his face when he spots me. I grab his books as he hobbles towards the door. We walk side by side down the hall. Noah notices Liam right away but I try to steer him away.
“Give him time to come to you. You don’t need to barge into his life, he’ll come to you when he wants help.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
“Then I’ll barge in there with you, but give him a chance first. Just wave and smile for now.”
We do exactly that, wave and smile before moving to the cafeteria. I get Noah settled at our table before I hurry through the line grabbing food for both of us. It feels weird to be doing so much for someone else but I'm happy to help him.
&nbs
p; After hearing Noah’s confession, I was really worried at first. I mean, I don’t want to see him hurt himself, I don’t think I could handle it. But knowing he was in that much pain and misery breaks my heart. I’d never stay with Noah out of pity. I’ve loved him since we were little and I plan to love him until the day I die. If that means standing by his side through periods of depression or him struggling with self-harm, I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever he needs me to if it helps him heal.
“What’s for lunch?”
“You can choose between pizza or popcorn chicken. Of course we both get fries.”
“I’ll take pizza, popcorn chicken’s your favorite.”
“How about we split everything?”
I settle into the spot next to him, snuggling into his side when he puts his arm around me. It’s hard to believe a few months ago Noah wasn’t in my life. Now, I couldn’t imagine being without him. Every night I curl up beside him in bed, I wake up to his sexy smile and breathtaking kisses.
“How did I get so lucky to land a girl like you?” He kisses my head, holding me tighter against him.
“It’s the dimples.”
“He’s so hot with the dimples.” Miranda lets out a little sigh as she drops into the chair across from us. Liam’s right behind her. He looks less upset but not his normal cheery self.
You okay? I mouth to Liam while Miranda and Noah are busy talking. He nods his head but won’t meet my eyes. He’s totally lying but I'm not sure why. I raise a brow at him when he finally glances my way again, challenging him.
Drop it, please. He mouths back. My heart aches knowing he’s going through something alone. I want to be there for him, to help him shoulder whatever burdens he’s going through but I can't push him. I can't force him to tell me or let me help. I give him a sad smile with a small nod. I'm backing down... for now.
“Noah? Do you need help? I can totally be your personal nurse!” Bianca saunters over to our table, her sickeningly sweet voice makes me want to throat punch her.
“I already have my own personal nurse.” Noah responds, never glancing in her direction.
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