by Sarina Dorie
I leaned in closer. “Kiss me.” I pressed my lips to his. For the briefest moment, some of that void inside me lessened. The sanctuary of my affinity made me forget my heartache.
Elric drew back and pushed me away. I stared at him in confusion.
“No.” His hands smoothed up and down my arms. He sighed. “I can’t.”
It cut that much more to be rejected twice in one night. Elric had every reason to reject me, after the way I’d chosen Thatch over him, but it didn’t mean it hurt any less.
“I still love you. I will always love you, and I have promised to be your friend forever,” Elric’s eyes were mournful. “But there are three reasons I’m not going to kiss you right now. One: I have too much respect for you to take advantage of you when you’re hurting like this. Two: You’re still madly in love with him—”
I shook my head. “No. I hate—”
“No, Clarissa. You wouldn’t hate him if you didn’t love him. The third reason—”
The door swung open, framing Vega in a diaphanous black robe with lacy lingerie underneath that was hardly appropriate to wear walking around the school. The sultry smile slid off her face as she saw me.
“What the fuck are you doing in my bed with my lover?” she demanded.
Ah, his third reason. It didn’t bode well Elric was holding me back from himself.
“Vega, please.” Elric patted the bed on the other side of me. “Come sit and console Clarissa. She needs friends right now.”
“Yeah? Well, I need an orgasm.” She waved a hand at me in disgust. “This puts a damper on my evening.”
I started to stand up, not even sure where I was going so long as it was outside of Vega’s reach, but Elric tugged me back beside him.
“Sit, Clarissa.” He smiled at Vega. “Sweetie, please. You told me you were capable of being nurturing. Show me how you would console a child. Let me see the good in you.”
She sighed despondently and plopped down beside me. She patted my back. “This is about Thatch, isn’t it? What did that fucktard do now?”
Vega was the last person I wanted to see right then, let alone confide in. I began to sob anew.
Vega huffed. “I told you he’d break your heart.”
Elric coughed. “Perhaps now is not the time for an ‘I told you so’ moment. Remember, you’re consoling.”
“Right. Consoling,” she said. “Clarissa, get over him.”
I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath. She was right. I had to get over him.
“Are you done being self-absorbed?” Vega asked. “Are you ready to hear about my day?” she asked.
Elric coughed. “Now might not be the time for us to share our joyous moment with Clarissa.”
She ignored his unsolicited advice, as she was wont to do. She held out her hand so I was forced to admire what I had failed to notice before. “Elric proposed to me.”
I stared at the ring in disbelief. It was a giant rock in a vintage setting, surrounded by smaller stones. Her smug smile spoke a thousand times louder than words. Did their engagement mean she’d succeeded with the Fae Fertility Paradox? She’d helped me help him achieve his goal of an heir? She’d proven to him I could make a fertile Red affinity out of any Witchkin, solving the Fae Fertility Paradox.
Neither spoke of Vega being pregnant out loud, but surely they both had to know, and that was why he had proposed to her. Did that mean I was no longer in his debt?
Elric frowned. “Vega darling, you truly will fit in with the Fae court. No one will ever suspect you of being part human and having a heart or soul.”
Her grinned broadened. “I take that as a compliment.”
He smiled at me sadly. Did he love her? I couldn’t guess.
He cleared his throat. “I might be a trickster and Fae, but I am a man of my word. Just because I’m to be wed to Vega, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends.”
“Right,” Vega said unenthusiastically. “But not friends with benefits.” She nudged me. “Feeling better?”
I nodded, not because I felt peachy, but because I was a liar. Wallowing in sorrow wasn’t going to get me anywhere—especially not with Vega. At least I wasn’t sobbing.
“Good.” Vega turned to Elric. “Where is Clarissa going to sleep tonight?”
“In my bed,” I said.
“No, that won’t do. Elric promised me a romantic evening. You need to find somewhere else to sleep. How about going to Josie’s room? She probably isn’t going to turn into a giant spider and eat you. Not this time, anyway. Although if she does, it might be a problem. I don’t know who is going to get you off this time—since we both know it isn’t going to be Elric. And I wouldn’t count on Thatch.”
“Why do you two have to use my room? Can’t you go to Elric’s castle?”
“It’s safer here.” Vega’s eyes narrowed.
I had a feeling she was trying to say something without saying it. Then again, she might have just been trying to subtly threaten me without Elric noticing. It was hard to say how Vega’s mind worked.
“You aren’t even supposed to have a man in the women’s dormitory.” I turned to him. “You’re messing with Khaba’s wards. The Raven Queen might get in again and abduct me.”
Elric’s brow furrowed. “Actually, he’s quite aware I’m here. He was the one who invited me.” He bit his lip, as if thinking something over. “Mr. Khaba is a powerful djinn, but there are some things even he cannot control. He’s solicited my assistance in order to keep my . . . investments safe.”
By his investments, he meant me. Khaba had applied to Elric’s desire to ensure I stayed safe, but I still couldn’t believe there wouldn’t be a price to this favor.
“And you did this for free?” My bullshit meter was going off.
“Of course not.” Elric said. “I made it one of my conditions for assisting him that I could spend time with Vega.”
This sounded more like a Fae.
“And then Vega wouldn’t be breaking our wards to go see you,” I said.
“Indeed. It’s a good compromise for everyone.” Elric grinned.
Too bad Khaba hadn’t come up with this solution before the Raven Court had snatched Thatch during transit.
Vega patted her short bob. “Elric’s guards are stationed nearby. Maybe you could go sleep wherever they are. They might not mind comforting you.”
Elric grimaced.
I stood. “I’m done being comforted today.” The Wicked Witch of the Northwest being nice to me wasn’t much of an improvement to her being cruel.
He waved a hand at my bed. “I could weave a spell to place a soundproof wall between the two beds. That way Clarissa can still stay—”
“No,” Vega and I both said at once.
Vega wanted privacy? Fine. I could be mature and gracious. I didn’t need my misery to ruin someone else’s evening. As it happened, I wanted to be alone anyway. I grabbed my pillow and blankets and slept on the floor in my classroom.
I wanted to be happy for Vega. She had gotten what she wanted. Someone who wasn’t a wicked witch would have been happy for her. Instead, I could only think about was my own suffering. I obsessed over Felix Thatch’s words, wondering whether they were lies meant to push me away or he’d, for once, confessed the truth.
CHAPTER TEN
Dancing on My Enemy’s Grave
From my long face and red eyes on Saturday, Josie knew Felix Thatch and I had broken up. At least she had the decency not to rub it in.
That’s how I knew she was a true friend.
The following weeks passed by in a blur of melancholy. Valentine’s Day came and went. I chaperoned the school dance and celebrated a private anti-Valentine’s Day party in Josie’s room—which Pinky crashed. I pretended my lack of valentines didn’t bother me.
At least no one sent me bloody human hearts this year.
I wanted to see my fairy godmother during spring break, but I was too stubborn to ask That
ch to take me to see her. I didn’t trust Vega. When I asked Elric what price it would cost to grant me the favor of taking me to Eugene, Oregon, where my mom lived, he said, “Your firstborn child.”
I wrote my mom a letter because I didn’t think I could face talking to her via Skype without breaking down and crying in a room full of teenagers at the Internet café. The gloom of my soul deepened that I didn’t have a safe way to see her during the break. Thatch hadn’t made arrangements to send any wayward witches to her home for the break either, which surprised her. It didn’t completely surprise me. He was too busy isolating himself in a protective box to interact with anyone.
My mom’s letter broke my heart.
I can’t survive without seeing my baby. How about I come to you instead? I can take the train up.
I didn’t want Abigail Lawrence to come to the school. I didn’t want her to see my habitat of suffering. More importantly, I didn’t know if Odette would keep her word and ensure no one from the Raven Court harassed my mom. I’d had time enough to reflect on the bargain. I could see the loophole now. I hadn’t made her promise not to harm my fairy godmother in the Unseen Realm.
The Raven Queen’s promise was another matter. She had only promised that she wouldn’t hurt my loved ones. Others from her court could do so.
I didn’t worry about inhabited areas full of Morties with their electronics. Mom was safe under power lines and surrounded by synthetic materials that weakened Fae. It was the journey from the final bus stop into the woods to the school that would be the most dangerous. The Raven Court had once attempted to abduct me from that location before.
I told my mom not to come.
Naturally, she didn’t listen.
Khaba and Satyr Sam escorted her to the school themselves, carrying her four bags of baked goods without complaint. I imagined she must have bribed them with cookies. For five days during her visit, I forced myself to keep up a façade of happiness so she wouldn’t see how heartbroken I was.
Maddy, Hailey, and Imani were as thrilled to see my mom as I was. They made art and dyed Easter eggs with Mom in my classroom in preparation for the upcoming holiday. My mom had made Easter baskets for my sister and me as kids, though it had really been my dad who’d had fun hiding Easter eggs and leaving footprints made with baby powder and giant bunny slippers. Somehow my fairy godmother managed to convince the school’s grouchy principal to be in charge of organizing an Easter egg hunt with the students who hadn’t been able to go home during the break. She taught students about Ostara and Easter traditions, the students as hungry for adult attention as they were for her cookies.
Everywhere my mom went, she radiated goodwill and positive energy. And baked goods. I needed the comfort food of her home cooking as well as her bounty of hugs.
The only interruption to the sanctuary of calm she brought with her was when she asked, “Aren’t we going to spend any time with Mr. Thatch?”
Or later when she asked, “Isn’t Mr. Thatch going to join us for dinner?” I made excuses until she stopped asking.
Only once did we see Felix Thatch, and that was from a long way off across the cafeteria. My heart seized up seeing him.
Five days was too long a visit and, simultaneously, not long enough. It was on the last day of her trip that Mom said, “Your friend, Josie, told me you and Mr. Thatch broke up. I’m sorry, honey.”
She hugged me, and at last I gave myself permission to let her see my mask of happiness crumble. I cried into the shoulder of her sweater.
She patted my back. “You don’t need to tell me the details if you don’t want. Just know I’m here for you if you ever need to call me or want me to come visit. I’ll listen if you ever need it. That’s what your mama is for.”
I laughed at that. She hadn’t used the word “mama” since I was six.
“I’m going to tell you this because I love you,” she said. “Don’t shut yourself up in your room and withdraw from the world. Do something that makes you happy. Go paint some new pieces with the watercolors I gave you at Christmas.”
I took her advice and painted in my free time. Instead of hiding in my dorm room, I forced myself to be social and surrounded myself with the people who cared about me. I hung out with Josie and Pinky and sometimes Josie and Khaba, though I tried to limit the amount of time I spent with Josie so I wouldn’t draw out her affinity.
Mostly Josie and I hung out in our dorm rooms or classrooms, but occasionally Khaba accompanied us into town. Thatch gave me handwritten lessons to master on my own. He no longer used the secret stairwell to his lair or stole chalk from my closet. I had suspected he’d only used that as excuse to see me. I seldom saw him other than during staff meetings, though he rarely said more than a word to me.
I thought I caught him watching me during an after-school meeting once in March, but when I turned to him, he quickly looked away. I found Khaba watching him, making no attempt to disguise his curiosity.
Over a month had passed when one of my weekly Saturday night excursions with friends was interrupted. Pinky, Josie, and I sat on the front steps of the school waiting for Khaba to come out. The warmth provided by the sunny day left as the sky darkened.
I sat huddled next to Josie, regretting my choice of clothes. I should have worn legwarmers over my pink-and-green striped leggings, a hat, and gloves to protect myself from the chill. My coat was warm, but the cold managed to creep inside. I regretted wearing the lacy green dress that I hadn’t gotten out since that one date with Julian Thistledown when we’d gone céilí dancing with Josie and Khaba. It was too thin and airy for April weather.
The only one who wasn’t shivering was Pinky in his full coat of fur, wearing a festive plaid kilt and a scarf Josie had knitted for him. Flower petals drifted down on us like snowflakes as we talked about our evening plans in Lachlan Falls.
Khaba was twenty minutes late, probably dealing with some delinquent student. I stood, jogging in place to build up some warmth.
Thatch strode past us. He stopped at the bottom of the steps, staring down at his feet as though his shoes were the most interesting thing in the world. “Mr. Khaba asked me to relay the message that he will be running an hour behind schedule.”
“If we set out now, we won’t miss much of the dancing.” Pinky stood and dusted himself off. “Did he say if he was catching us there later?”
Josie chewed on her lower lip. She had to be thinking what I was. I wasn’t allowed unchaperoned, especially not after dark. Pinky was great at herbalism, foreign language, and wards, but he wasn’t considered proficient enough at magic to protect me if Fae should come after me.
Wearing the same dress I’d worn on my date with Julian felt like a bad omen. I had thought wearing the dress would make me feel empowered, that I was saying “screw you” to my fears, and that I could get over all my hex-boyfriends. Now I regretted the gesture.
“Why don’t you guys go ahead without me?” I waved them off. “If Khaba comes later, I’ll go with him.”
Thatch cleared his throat. He still wouldn’t look my way. “Mr. Khaba sent me to chaperone in his stead. He asked me to ensure Miss Lawrence made it safely into Lachlan Falls and to wait there until he arrived.” He frowned with his usual lack of enthusiasm.
That was an odd request coming from Khaba. He distrusted Thatch. Unless this was a ploy to entrap him. Khaba might be trying to test him to see if he would do something evil. It was hard to guess what other motivation Khaba could have.
Josie made a face. “You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re going dancing with us?”
“No. I’ll sit and draw in the corner until he arrives. You needn’t dance with me or even speak with me. My presence is only to ensure no one hassles you along the way.” He lifted his gaze and met mine, the dark gray gloom of his soul heavy inside him.
He looked so sad and forlorn, it broke my heart seeing him so miserable. I loved him more than ever, even if it wasn’t in my best interest.
I was fairly certain he was pleased Khaba wasn’t coming until later. We walked along the path on the school grounds toward the woods, Thatch trailing a dozen paces behind. I glanced over my shoulder at him. Josie gave me a disgusted look, as though she couldn’t believe how infatuated I was with him.
“I’m just going to. . . .” I started.
“Yeah, yeah. You do whatever you want,” she said, rolling her eyes.
I fell back into step with Thatch. He stared straight ahead, his gaze fixed on Josie’s lacy purple hat.
“It was nice of you to take Khaba’s place,” I said.
His tone remained flat. “Someone had to. I didn’t want you to decide you didn’t need a proper escort and attempt to travel at night by yourself.”
I wasn’t sure whether that was a dig or this was his way of saying he wanted to protect me. I decided to treat it as the latter. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. You’ll owe me a favor later. I should think I taught you better than that.” He quickened his pace.
“You told me it’s safe to thank friends.”
He finally deigned to look at me. The scornful purse to his lips expressed doubt that he considered us friends.
I tried to think of something safe to talk about, but all the topics I wanted to speak about pertained to us. And us wasn’t really a topic anymore since we’d broken up. “Have you ever tried Irish céilí dancing?”
“No. And this is Scottish cèilidh dancing, not Irish. Not that I care to try either.” He lifted his nose in the air.
“How do you know you don’t like it if you haven’t tried it?” I thought he had enjoyed salsa.
“You know I hate dancing.” He walked quickly.
I struggled to keep up. In a few seconds, he would overtake Josie and Pinky. “It’s unfortunate. You’re a good dancer.”
Josie glanced over her shoulder and gave me a funny look. That was right, she didn’t know about the times he’d danced with me at the swing club or know about our salsa excursion.