by Kate Ryder
‘I mean it,’ he said. ‘If you ever feel threatened by anything in that property, phone me.’
‘I won’t ever be threatened by anything there, Nick. It’s my home.’
And a home where you knew a love like no other. Unbidden, the words popped into my head.
‘I know, Maddie, but you never know where these things can lead.’ He rose to his feet. ‘Here, let me top you up.’
I held out my empty glass across the table.
‘And you’ll stay for supper?’
Oh yes, you bet! I wanted to shout, but I simply smiled politely and said I’d like that very much.
15
It was a wonderful evening. Together, we prepared lasagne and found some part-baked rolls in the freezer, which we heated up in the oven. While I set knives and forks on the beautiful walnut dining table, Nick threw more logs onto the wood burner and opened a bottle of red wine. It felt surprisingly natural and comfortable sharing domestic chores.
Over supper, he brought up the subject of Dan again. ‘How long were you and Dan together?’
‘Eight years… or thereabouts.’
He raised an eyebrow.
‘On and off,’ I added swiftly.
‘You must know each other very well.’
‘Through and through.’ I laughed. ‘In fact, I definitely know him better than he knows himself, though I can’t believe he fell for Lucy the way he did.’
‘Are you jealous?’
I knew Nick was under the impression that Dan hoped to rekindle our relationship, but I wondered why he had asked that particular question.
‘Not exactly jealous. You see, we have a casual relationship and it’s not the first time there have been others, but I never thought he’d make her a permanent fixture.’
‘Has he gone back to her?’ he asked in surprise.
‘I don’t think so.’ I took a sip of wine. ‘And if he has any sense he won’t.’
He hesitated and then quietly asked, ‘So why hasn’t he taken up with you again?’
‘She seems to have cast a spell over him. He’s completely transfixed.’
I didn’t want to talk about Dan; I didn’t want him to be any part of the evening.
‘He’s a fool,’ Nick declared, looking directly at me for the first time during the course of the conversation.
I felt myself blush. Hurriedly, I said, ‘So his sister tells him. She thinks he should have put our relationship on a more permanent footing. But enough of me, Nick. What about you? How long have you been with Sarah?’
I didn’t want to talk about her either but I did want to steer the conversation away from Dan.
‘Ten years. I met her on her eighteenth.’
What a great birthday present, I thought despairingly.
‘And you’ve been together ever since?’
‘More or less.’ He seemed as uncomfortable answering my questions as I was talking about Dan.
It must have been the wine making me less inhibited because, having started this topic of conversation, I thought if I wanted to find out more about their relationship I had better ask now, or not at all.
‘Becky was at the pub on New Year’s Eve,’ I said in an even voice, careful not to give away any feelings. ‘She expected you to get engaged while you were in Australia.’
A small frown creased his forehead.
‘Sarah wants to get married,’ he answered after a long pause.
‘I guess it’s not unreasonable, seeing as you’ve been together so long.’
I couldn’t believe I’d suggested it. God, Maddie, please don’t persuade him it’s a good thing to do…
‘I know.’ He was truly ill at ease. ‘It’s not unreasonable.’
‘So what’s the problem?’
Who was this person asking all these direct questions?
He hesitated before answering, grappling with some inner turmoil. ‘I don’t want to be disloyal to Sarah. She’s a good girl. But that’s just it!’ His voice rose in frustration. ‘She can be incredibly naïve, which I found charming… at first.’
He looked guilty for uttering such thoughts and my heart went out to him, even though I was consumed by jealousy at this display of loyalty to his girlfriend.
‘It’s OK to talk like this, Nick, but we don’t have to if you don’t want to.’
‘I’d rather not.’ Smiling apologetically, he picked up the bottle of wine and leant across the table to fill up my glass.
We polished off that bottle and then another. I knew there was no way I could drive that night and when Nick suggested I stay, I did not object.
‘We can have a leisurely morning, if you don’t have to be anywhere early tomorrow.’
We remained chatting in the warmth of the living room until I could no longer keep my eyes open.
‘Well, I guess it’s time to hit the sack. You take the bed, Maddie, I’ll sleep on the couch.’
I protested and said I was more than happy to take the couch, but he wasn’t having any of it. Rising to his feet, he headed towards the spiral staircase.
I cleared the table and stacked the dishwasher, surprised at how unsteady I was. Normally, I could hold my drink. Through a befuddled stupor, I realised Storm would have to fend for himself overnight. Thankfully, the original nest of sacks was still in the outhouse and I hoped he would use his old bed. Holding firmly on to the handrail, I climbed the spiral staircase to the galleried bedroom. On the far side of the room, Nick pulled a sleeping bag out of a cupboard and a T-shirt from a chest of drawers.
‘You can wear this if you want,’ he said, walking towards me. ‘It’s an old rugby T of mine. It is clean.’
I took it gratefully, although seriously doubted I’d get any sleep knowing he was in the room below.
He smiled at me and then said in such a gentle voice that I hardly heard, ‘You know, Maddie, you’re very beautiful.’
Shaken out of my drunkenness, I stared at him in amazement.
‘What…?’
The look in his eyes was soft and his voice tender as he repeated, ‘You’re very beautiful. I can totally understand why Dan hot-footed it down to Dorset to be with you. If the man had any sense he’d have stayed.’
I flushed, but not from embarrassment.
Moving towards me, Nick took my face in his hands and kissed me softly. The deep emotion I experienced was so powerful I could hardly breathe and I pulled back gasping.
‘You know, I’ve wanted to do that from the very first moment I set eyes on you,’ he said in a husky whisper.
Was I dreaming?
And then he kissed me again and this time I responded. Nothing existed outside of that kiss and as our passion grew I felt his body grow tense. I inhaled deeply. His masculine scent was familiar and, instinctively, from somewhere deep within, I knew this was home. I kissed him hard, moulding my body against his, and felt his growing desire. His breathing turned rapid and he groaned. As he ran his hands down my body, I delighted in his touch.
In one swift action, as if I were as light as air, he picked me up and carried me to the bed. We fell onto it, laughing, but the instant I felt his weight on me a charge surged through my body and I melted under his hot, insistent kisses that promised a wild and desperate crescendo. The hunger I had for this man sent shudders coursing through me, and as his hands greedily explored my body I marvelled at the way I responded to the urgency in his caress. It was like nothing I had experienced before… Suddenly, I thought of that ‘other’ man who made love to me whenever Dan stayed in the cottage, and I faltered; breaking the spell.
Nick pulled away. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’
No, it’s OK, I wanted to say. It’s really OK! But my brains had turned to mush and my knees to jelly.
He rolled off me, looking guilty and full of remorse. Sadly, I watched as loyalty and commitment returned to his demeanour. Sarah was one hell of a lucky girl.
Rising from the bed, he picked up his sleeping bag and walked to the spi
ral staircase. ‘Sleep well, Maddie,’ he said, avoiding eye contact.
I staggered to the shower room and, holding firmly on to the basin, met my gaze in the mirror. There was a wild look in my eyes – was it despair?
‘So near and yet so very far…’
I splashed cold water on my face. Then, squeezing toothpaste onto a finger, I cleaned my teeth as best I could. Finally, I undressed and put on Nick’s T-shirt, inhaling deeply as I pulled it over my head and hugged it to my body. Swaying back to the bed, I lay as the room spinned madly and listened to the unfamiliar sounds coming from the room below. The porch door opened. A few minutes later I heard Nick call quietly to the dogs. He’d obviously let them out to do their business. My respect for him was already huge but it went up a notch knowing that even when well-oiled he still acted responsibly.
Lucky Baron, lucky Casper… and lucky, lucky Sarah.
In a low voice he told the dogs to settle. Then all was quiet.
I lay for what seemed an eternity with my body aching for him. I looked up through the glass roof at the inky, night sky and thousands of stars winked at me, as if all sharing a huge joke. Never had I felt so wretched and alone. Gulping back a sob, I squeezed my eyes shut to stem unbidden tears. With the bed continuing to spin, eventually I fell asleep.
16
It was a hot summer’s day and I lay in the long grass of a wildflower meadow gazing into infinite blue. Wisps of cloud tinged pale pink drifted across the sky and I entertained myself making shapes from them. There was a dog, like my sister’s spaniel, and surely that was a dolphin… and wasn’t that a smiling face? I whiled away the time, running my fingers through the blades of grass, luxuriating in the buzz and hum of insects as they flitted from one wildflower to another, collecting nectar. Butterflies lifted into the air and somewhere, high above, a skylark sang. Shielding my eyes I searched the sky… but the bird wasn’t to be found.
I sat up and was surprised to find that I was dressed in only a thin, linen chemise, which barely reached my knees. My legs were tanned and I was barefoot. Where were my outer garments? I smiled wickedly. What would they think of me out here in the meadow, unclothed and without shoes? Unbecoming and abandoned, no doubt. The sun was way past its zenith and I had no idea how long I’d been out there. It must be time to return. Freedom over.
Sighing deeply, I rose to my feet. A beautiful, pastoral scene stretched before me. Neat parkland fell away gently towards the edge of a thick forest, and a herd of russet-coloured cattle grazed peacefully in the meadows. I turned. In an elevated position, presiding over the view, stood an Elizabethan gem of a Manor House, its grey stone walls gleaming almost white; the colour of elephant tusks. In the late afternoon sun, light reflected off its many mullioned windows. Built in an E-plan style, the house stood three storeys high with numerous gabled roofs and chimneys, the architectural detail giving the impression of a castle. Instinctively, I knew entry was made through the middle wing of the west front, where the decorated screens-passage was, with the Great Hall off to the right and the Great Kitchen opposite, occupying the north wing of the ‘E’. I studied the recently built staircase tower in the space between the original Tudor house and the newly commissioned extension, which now provided means of access to the upper storeys. The builders had done an excellent job and the addition was seamless.
As I set off across the wildflower meadow and approached the Manor, above the entrance porch I saw the family coat of arms carved into the stone. However, I didn’t continue across the lawns to the sweeping gravel drive and the steps leading up to the entrance. Instead, I turned left and headed towards an impressive archway. As I entered the grand stable yard I saw my father’s three prized hunters tied up against the far wall, their coats gleaming in the sunshine.
Bent over the hind hoof of an impressive grey gelding – my father’s favourite – a man held up a metal shoe to its sole. The horse, used to being shod, stood patiently. Although late afternoon, it was searingly hot and I brushed away stray wisps of hair from my face as I watched the man labour in the heat, absorbed in his task. A sheen of sweat accentuated his impressive arm muscles as he nailed the metal shoes to the horse’s hooves.
Suddenly he looked up and glanced over in my direction. At once, I noticed how still it had become – like an expectant, held breath – as a pair of tender blue-grey eyes met mine. In that one moment, a thousand words passed between us. Growing hotter by the minute, I was acutely aware of my thin chemise and brown legs on display. The farrier straightened up. Letting the grey’s foot drop, he wiped a hand across his brow. Not once did he take his eyes from me, which I noticed danced with amusement.
I should have been outraged – that he had the audacity to consider a daughter of the house in that manner – but I wasn’t. Something about the man spoke to me in a way that made me feel not only safe and secure, but also alive for the very first time. It was as if a whole world awaited me and all I had to do was trust in that look, which held such promises. Slowly I turned away, but those blue-grey eyes remained seared into my soul.
*
I came to, breathing hard. Where was I? Suddenly it all came flooding back. Gazing up through the glass roof, I saw the sky now held the tinge of early morning and dense cloud cover hid the stars from view. I peered at my watch – 6.15 a.m. So I had slept. As I sat up, a raging headache took hold. Gingerly climbing out of bed, I walked unsteadily to the shower room and stared dejectedly at my reflection in the mirror. Pale and sallow; as if all the life had been sucked out of me. I groaned as numerous unanswerable questions filled my head.
Before returning to the bed, I tiptoed to the gallery and looked over. The barn was still and peaceful, filled with the grey light of dawn. Both dogs lay sprawled on one of the couches and Casper looked up eagerly. Baron didn’t stir. On the other couch lay Nick, flat on his back with the sleeping bag half off his body. He was sound asleep with one hand resting on his chest; his head nestled in the crook of his other arm. In sleep, he appeared younger and there was a half-smile on his face. I wondered what happy dreams he enjoyed.
I stood gazing at him for a long while, committing to memory every little aspect of the scene below. He was gorgeous and I knew I was lost. Eventually, the cold air sent me back to bed. I snuggled deep beneath the duvet and, soon, the blessed oblivion of a dreamless sleep claimed me.
I awoke to the smell of frying bacon and was suddenly ravenous. I stretched, sat up and looked around. Even though the barn was still a work in progress it struck me there was very little of Sarah on show. There were make-up and bottles of lotion in the bathroom, but apart from this there were very few girlie items around. Beside the bed was a chunky, abstract, wooden root of a table and, on it, a simple slate frame displayed a photograph of Sarah and Nick with their arms around each other, smiling happily into the camera. However, apart from this, there were no other displays of togetherness that I’d seen. It appeared this was very much Nick’s place.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs made me turn.
‘You’re awake,’ Nick said, stepping up onto the gallery floor and holding a mug in one hand. ‘Thought I’d let you sleep in.’
‘What’s the time?’ I asked blearily. A major hangover threatened.
‘Ten-thirty. I’ve made you tea. You don’t take sugar, do you?’
I shook my head and took the mug from him.
Crossing the room, he pulled out a clean sweatshirt from the chest of drawers.
‘Bacon and eggs OK?’ he asked, glancing over his shoulder.
‘Sounds great.’ I gave a brief smile.
Despite the many questions swirling around my head, I said nothing more.
We enjoyed a companionable breakfast and it was a relief to find that conversation flowed easily. There was no tension between us and what had passed the previous night did not appear to stand in the way. I left around noon. As Nick walked me to the car I noticed the two buzzards circling high above the valley.
‘The guardian ange
ls still watch over you,’ I said, and then wondered why I’d said it.
He gave a half-smile, which quickly turned into a small, puzzled frown.
Unlocking the car, I climbed in and fastened the seatbelt, and was about to pull the door to when Nick prevented me.
‘I’m sorry about what happened last night, Maddie.’ Concentrating fiercely on the ground, he scuffed the gravel with the toe of his boot.
‘Nothing to apologise for Nick,’ I said quietly.
‘That’s very magnanimous of you.’ A small smile settled on his lips, but when his eyes met mine they were far from happy. Softly he said, ‘It won’t happen again.’
I smiled sadly as he closed the door.
Driving away with a heavy heart, I watched Nick in the rear-view mirror until he was out of sight. As I rounded the corner he raised a hand in farewell, and I felt my heart fracture; shards of glass piercing my very soul.
17
That night I tossed and turned; my mind gave me no rest. As if playing on a loop, I re-examined the last twenty-four hours over and over in my head, but peace evaded me. Eventually – exhausted – I fell into a restless sleep and it wasn’t long before I was in the throes of a poignantly bittersweet dream.
Shafts of late afternoon sunlight made their way through the tall windows and, mesmerised, I watched the particles of dust held in suspension. I sat in the Great Hall, clenching my jaw, willing myself to be strong and not to react. On the other side of the room my father paced up and down, puce with rage. His eyes bulged from the emotion and he spluttered and pulled at his collar. I’d asked him to allow me to marry Nat. Concerned he was about to have a fit, I rose to my feet but he brusquely waved me away. I sat down again. Eventually, the colour in his face subsided.
‘Mary, you were born into the ruling class,’ he said in a no-nonsense voice, ‘and you will not marry a working man, no matter how well respected. I will not allow it.’
I tried to object but he silenced me.
‘Edward will inherit the estate. Therefore, it is imperative that both you and your sister make good marriages to secure your futures. I have entered into an agreement with Sir Thomas Ramsey and you are to become his wife once Lady Ramsey has passed, God bless her.’