by J. L. Perry
I follow him across the main room toward the kitchen. My emotions are already frazzled, but when I spot the small white urn and the single red rose sitting on the island countertop, I have to fight back my tears.
“Can I get you something to drink?” he offers.
“No, I’m good. Thanks. I can’t stay long.”
I wait until he reaches into the fridge and his back is to me before I pick up the urn. There’s a gold plaque across the front.
I’m trying to be strong and hold it together in front of Ashton, but the moment I read what it says, the tears start coming.
~ DUKE ~
2002-2019
You left a paw print on our hearts.
My eyes are clenched shut as I silently cry for the loss of my sweet boy. I hug the small urn into the side of my face, turning my head to place a kiss on the cold ceramic. It’s the cold that hurts the most. No soft warm fur, no wiggly little tail, no sweet licks.
Poor Duke, my poor sweet Duke.
I don’t even realize Ashton is now beside me until he takes Duke’s ashes out of my hands and wraps me in his arms. “Come here,” he says, soothing his hand over my hair as he holds me tight.
Holding my breath, I deliberately try not to inhale his cologne. I’ve missed his smell, his hugs, his kisses, but I make no move to return his embrace. My arms remain limp at my sides.
When he draws back, he cups my face, using the pad of his thumbs to gently wipe away my tears. “You okay?”
I nod my head. “I just miss him.”
I miss you too.
“Yeah, so do I.”
I take a step back, needed the distance. “Thanks for letting me come over.” I scoop my handbag off the stool, slinking it over my shoulder. I have to get out of here—it hurts too much to be around him.
“You’re leaving already?”
He sounds disappointed.
Or maybe that’s wishful thinking on my part.
“Yes. I’ll stop by the shelter on my way home and get whatever instructions were left for his ashes. I’ll let you know what I find out, and I guess we can go from there.”
“Sure. Okay.”
Ashton runs his fingers through his hair as he watches me.
I can’t believe how fast everything changed between us.
“Well. Bye.”
“I’ll walk you out.” I turn, heading toward the door. “Oh wait…” He grabs a white envelope off the countertop and hands it to me. “They took a print of Duke’s paw and stamped it onto a card. I want you to have it.”
I clutch it to my chest as tears rise to my eyes again. “Thank you. I’ll treasure it.”
When Ashton opens the front door, I breeze past him and start descending the steps. There’s no point standing around and making things more uncomfortable than they already are. And, I certainly don’t want him to think I’m waiting for a kiss goodbye, even though that’s exactly what I want.
“Goodbye, Emma.” The way he says it sounds final. Like it’s really a goodbye.
“Goodbye.” I don’t turn around, because the tears are now falling thick and fast. My head remains bowed when I reach the car, and it’s not until I’m seated inside that I finally turn my head to glance his way.
His hands are shoved into the pockets of his trousers, his shoulders are slumped, and he looks as miserable as I feel.
My heart breaks a little further.
What happened to us?
Chapter Twenty-Six
ASHTON
I’m leaning against the tall oak tree in the park, opposite the address that Emma sent me when her Fiat pulls up across the road. I watch as she gets out of the car and turns to stare at the home before her. It’s the house where Duke once lived. This park was his favorite place to come, and the oak tree was where his previous owner’s ashes were spread waiting for her beloved dog to join her.
My heart is heavy as I watch on. She looks like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. I feel so lost without her. It’s almost killed me to stay away. I’ve pulled up her phone number a million times over the past week wanting to call her. I’ve texted her a few times to see how she’s doing but kept it short and sweet. I’m not a total monster. I care. No, I care too fucking much. Hence, why I need to let her go.
After a short while, she turns crossing the street. There’s a bunch of flowers in her hand. I’m glad she thought to do that. She’s wearing sunglasses so I can’t see her eyes, but when she looks up and a small smile graces her face, I know she’s seen me.
My eyes travel down the length of her body as she approaches. She looks beautiful today. She looks beautiful every day. Emma’s long hair is pulled back into a high ponytail like it was the day we met, and she’s wearing a red shirt that hangs off one shoulder.
It’s the color she wore the night we first kissed.
Her top is paired with a short, denim skirt that buttons down the front and is frayed around the hem. I growl when my gaze lands on her long, chocolate-colored cowboy boots.
My sexy-ass farm girl.
She’s a walking fucking wet dream.
I’m so screwed.
“Hey,” she says when she’s close enough for me to hear.
“Hey.” I shove my hands into my pockets to stop myself from pulling her into my arms. I want to feel her. Touch her. “You look nice today.”
Sexy as fuck.
“Thanks, so do you.”
Emma’s free hand fidgets at her side like she’s nervous. I hate that things have reverted back to this for us. Over the past few weeks, she became comfortable around me. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.
“I saw you checking out the house where Duke used to live.”
“Yeah. I was trying to imagine him sitting by that big window in the front, watching the cars drive by and kids playing out here…” her hand gestures around our surroundings, “… in the park. It’s hard to believe he had a whole other life before us.”
“Yes, it is.”
“So, I guess this is the tree where she wanted his ashes spread.”
“It’s the closest one to the house, so I’d say this is it.”
She looks up to the branches above. “It’s a pretty tree.”
Not as pretty as you.
I remove the lid off the urn and retrieve the pouch inside. I’m surprised by how small it is, but he was a tiny dog.
She slides her sunglasses on to the top of her head, and that’s when I notice the dark circles under her eyes. My gaze moves down her body again. Damn, she looks thinner. Has she been eating and sleeping enough? A heavy weight settles in my chest.
I open the pouch, handing it to her. Sadness washes over her as she glances down at it. Poor little guy, I still can’t believe he’s gone.
Emma sighs before crouching to spread the contents around the base of the tree. “Here, I left some in there for you.”
I kneel beside her, following her movements. I’m grateful the air is still today, so he doesn’t blow away.
She lays the flowers down when I’m done.
We both stand and remain silent, lost in thought. When I see her swipe her finger under her eyes, I reach for her hand, and I’m grateful she doesn’t pull away. I need to touch her, hell, just having her close makes my world more bearable.
Minutes pass before she releases a puff of air. “I guess I should be going.” Her grip on my hand tightens momentarily. “Take care of yourself, Ashton Barclay.”
My heart starts to thunder in my chest as the panic sets in.
She’s saying goodbye.
I’ve been trying to put some distance between us, and she taking it by running a mile. That thought fills me with dread.
I turn my head, eyeing her profile. Emma’s steely gaze remains forward. I sigh. She’s so goddamn beautiful. I have to let her go, but I can’t imagine my life without her in it.
This is so fucked up.
Our paths never should have crossed.
But, they did.
I never should’ve let it go this far.
But, I’m a selfish bastard.
I want her.
I’ve always wanted her.
I’d give anything to kiss her sweet lips one more time. Christ, I’d sell my damn soul to see her smile or to hear her laugh again. Sad, defeated Emma tears me up inside. I want my sunshine back. She chases my darkness away and fills me with light.
I need her.
I fucking miss her.
“Have lunch with me, Em.”
She turns her face toward mine. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
She’s right, it’s not.
I should let her walk away before I hurt her even more. She deserves better than me.
“Please.”
Emma’s eyes scan over my face. Can she sense my desperation because I’m pretty sure it’s radiating off me in waves? I’ll get on my knees and beg her if I have to.
“Okay.”
I pull our conjoined hands to my mouth, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. “Thank you.”
We leave her car at the park and head to the restaurant in mine. It took some convincing, but I assured her I’d drop her back when we’re done. I can’t have her running away from me like she did on Friday when she came over to see Duke’s ashes. She only stayed ten minutes, tops. If this is the last time I’m going to be with her, I am going to drag this lunch out as long as I can.
All damn day if I can manage it.
Emma’s phone rings once we’re seated in the car. So she digs in her bag to retrieve it and smiles when she sees who’s calling her. I lean back in my seat to try and get a glimpse. It better no be the douchebag.
“Dad,” she says, answering the call. “I’m good, how are you?” She doesn’t put the call on speaker, so I can only hear her side of the conversation. “I miss you, too… so much.” Pause. “I’ll definitely be home for Thanksgiving.” Pause. “Yeah, I know that’s months away, but I’ll cook all your favorites when I get there, I promise.” Pause. “My job’s going great.” Pause. “Yes, Carla’s well. We have a new landlord.” Pause. “No, we haven’t met them… we got a letter informing us about it. They’re going to do some improvements to the building and put in a security gate.” Pause. “Yes, I know how much that bothered you. It’s safe there, Dad, and it will be even safer now.” Pause. “I’m not sure, but I hope they don’t raise the rent.”
A smile tugs at my lips—if I had my way, she wouldn’t even be paying rent.
Emma’s eyes dart to me. “No, Dad. I haven’t met any nice boys.”
Hey, I’m nice.
“I’m too busy for that.” Pause. “Yes, I know I have to live, and I am. My life’s fine just the way it is.” She releases a small laugh. “Dad, I’m only twenty-six.” Pause. “I know, I know. One day you’ll get your grandbabies, I promise, just not in the near future, okay? You know how much I want to travel the world. London… Paris… Rome. There are so many places outside of America I’d love to visit. You can’t do that with a baby hanging off your hip.” She laughs again, and my hands grip the steering wheel so tight my knuckles turn white. I can’t even begin to imagine my Emma carrying another man’s child inside her.
“Listen, Dad, can I call you back tonight? I’m heading out to lunch.” Pause. “What time does bingo finish?” Pause. “All right, I’ll call you after eight.” Pause. “I love you, too, Daddy. Bye.”
Emma places her phone back in her purse and turns her head to gaze back out the passenger side window. I find myself wondering if she puts off going home because of the people in her town, the ones who made her life hell. I have so much I want to say to her, so many questions to ask. I hate not knowing the simplest things about her.
I want us to be the way we used to be.
“Do you know what you’re having?” I ask once we’re seated at the restaurant.
She shrugs. “Probably just a salad.”
“You’re having more than that. You look like you’ve lost weight.”
“My weight is none of your business,” she says. “And I’m having a salad.” She places her menu down and gives me a look that says, ‘you can’t tell me what to order.’
I suppress my grin as I glance over the selections. When the waitress approaches the table, I speak first.
“We’ll have two double cheese, double bacon burgers with fries on the side and two chocolate shakes.” I pick up both menus and hand them back. “That will be all, thank you.”
Emma gasps, and I give her my best smile, that says, ‘I can, and I just did.’
“Unbelievable,” she mumbles under her breath.
I reach into my pocket and pull out a small velvet box. “I bought this for you.”
“What is it?” she asks as I slide it across the table.
“Open it and see.”
Her hands are a little shaky as she lifts the lid. Inside is a white gold heart-shaped locket. I had Duke’s paw print and his name engraved on the front.
“Oh, Ashton,” she says as tears rise to her eyes.
“You can open it… there’s a latch on the side.”
Emma’s eyes move from the opened locket to me. “A picture of us?” Inside is a small image of the three of us. Emma and my heads are resting together as we both smile into the camera. I’m holding Duke up in front of us. It’s just one of the many selfies I took with my phone, but this one is my favorite.
I bought the locket as a memento for her. I know she’ll always carry Duke in her heart, and I can only hope as years pass, she remembers me too. Because I know with all certainty, I’ll never forget her. What we had may have been fleeting, but they’ve been some of the happiest times of my life.
“Our family,” I say, smiling.
It’s funny how quickly things change. Last week we were a family, now Dukes’s gone, and Emma’s slipping away as well.
The crushing pain in my chest intensifies at the thought.
Life is so unfair sometimes.
“It’s beautiful. I love it. Thank you.” She swipes the tear that leaks from her eye as she looks at me across the table. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“What did I do wrong?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, sitting up straighter in my seat.
“Come on, Ashton. You’re pushing me away. Why?” I clear my throat, glancing around the restaurant. I don’t want to have this conversation with her. “At the very least, I deserve an explanation. You owe me that. Is it because I said I wanted to have sex with you?”
My eyes snap back to her. She was so shitfaced that day, I’m surprised she remembers anything she said.
“That wasn’t the word you used.”
She rolls her eyes. “Fine, is it because I said I wanted to fuck you?”
I chuckle when she blushes.
“This isn’t funny, Ashton, you’ve hurt me. One minute we were friends and the next we’re not.”
“I’m still your friend, Emma. That will never change.”
“Just not friends who kiss and give each other orgasms, right?”
“Em…” Thankfully, the waitress returns with our food. “Eat, and then we’ll talk, okay?”
“Fine.”
She devours her food, and it pleases me. “Thank you,” she says to the waitress when she collects our plates.
“Would you like to look at the dessert menu?”
“Yes,” I say.
“No,” Emma counters.
The waitress looks between us both, unsure of what to do. “How about I give you some time to think about it?”
When she leaves, Emma brings her attention back to me. “Talk.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“How about the truth? I’m a big girl, Ashton, I can take it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Is the thought of having sex with me so repulsive?”
“Is that what you think?”
“I don�
��t know what to think,” she says.
I reach for her hand across the table. What I wouldn’t give for one single night, a taste of what life with her could be like. But, this is reality. My reality. She deserves better, and I’d only end up hurting her, crushing her spirit, destroying her, just like I did with Anastasia.
I can’t do that to my sweet-thing.
“Being near you, with you… inside you, is all I fucking think about, Emma. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.”
“You do?”
“Of course.”
A smile creeps onto her face. “What’s the problem, then?”
“The problem is, I’m trying to be the good guy here. Can’t you see that? I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t do relationships. I’m not capable of love and all that bullshit.”
“I said I wanted to have sex with you, Ashton, not marry you. Maybe I’m not looking for a relationship either.”
They all end up looking for a relationship eventually. Besides, she’s not a one-night-stand kind of girl. I know that much. Yet, the temptation is too great.
“What are you looking for, then?”
“You, just you. You once said all I needed was a real man. Be that man for me, show me what I’ve been missing.”
Emma’s asking me to give her an unforgettable night. This woman wants to experience something she hasn’t in the past, something she’ll never forget. I can give her that. I’d gladly fuck her into the middle of next week so hard and goddamn deep she won’t know where she ends, and I begin.
“But, what about tomorrow?”
Emma shrugs her shoulders. “We’ll worry about tomorrow… tomorrow. We’ve done everything else, I can’t see how taking that extra step will complicate things.”
Things are already too complicated.
From the moment I met her, sex is all I’ve thought about, but now that it’s staring me in the face, I’m unsure if I can go through with it. I’ve grown accustomed to having her around, and this won’t end well for either of us.
Grow some balls, Barclay, you want this.
Why am I stalling? I’m either in or I’m out.
In and out, Christ, that’s not helping.