by Ali Parker
“Whatever do you mean?” she asked innocently.
I cut into my meat and took a bite. It practically melted on my tongue. Food had never tasted as good to me as it did when I was pregnant. I chewed, savored, and swallowed. “Ever since I can remember, you’ve gotten your kicks poking fun at me and my size. And I finally have the nerve to tell you I don’t appreciate it. It’s mean and it’s hurtful and I would prefer if from now on, you no longer say anything about my weight or what I’m putting in my mouth.”
My mother sipped her wine. Dad chewed his carrots.
Nannie looked at her lap. “I’m sorry, Vanessa.”
I blinked in surprise. Was that a genuine apology? It sure looked and sounded legit. But then again, Nannie had always been an impressive actress.
She sighed. “I know I’ve been hard on you. I think I was projecting. You and I have more in common than you might think. When I was your age, I was built the same way.”
“Like a linebacker?” I asked, one eyebrow arched accusingly. She’d said that to me dozens of times over.
She licked her lips. “I just wasn’t one of the dainty girls that men tended to prefer. I had a hard time. And, well, your grandfather strayed when I packed on some extra pounds.”
My mom put her cutlery down. “Daddy cheated on you?”
Nannie didn’t make eye contact with anyone. “It was a very shameful thing. A lot of my neighbors and friends knew before I did. I was so humiliated. And I know it was because he wasn’t attracted to me anymore. Because I’d let myself go. It was the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, Vanessa. I wanted to spare you that. I thought I was protecting you in my own way. I thought the pain of my words couldn’t possibly compare to the pain a man could cause you.”
I chewed the inside of my cheek. “Well, you weren’t wrong about that, Nannie. Men are assholes.”
“Hey,” Dad chimed in from his end of the table. “Not all of us.”
“No, not all of you.” I dabbed my lips with my napkin. “But some of you. Nannie, I’m sorry that happened to you. You didn’t deserve that. And I’m sorry it’s caused you such pain still. But I can take care of myself. Okay? And it’s not on you to toughen me up just in case something like that happens.”
“I understand.”
I reached across the table and took her hand. Wrinkles and liver spots aside, she and I had similar hands. Thin fingers. Thicker knuckles. Wide nail beds.
“There’s one more thing you should know,” Nannie said.
“Oh?”
“I’m the one who sent the Mountain Dew and the donuts to the station.”
“What?”
Nannie nodded. “Yes, it was me. I knew you loved them. And I knew you punished yourself whenever you were with me. I was trying to… ugh. I don’t know what I was trying to do. Can you forgive me?”
I studied the lines of Nannie’s face, the wrinkles and the dimples and the whites of her eyes. “On one condition.” The words coming out of my own mouth reminded me of the time Rhys had said them to me.
“Anything,” Nannie whispered.
I got up out of my chair and went to the kitchen cupboard. I pulled it open and fetched a box of my mother’s favorite treats, little chocolate cakes with white icing in the middle. They were individually packaged delicious little morsels of chocolatey goodness, and they were most definitely not good for you.
I put one down in front of Nannie.
“Eat this with me.”
Nannie stared at the cake and then looked up at me as I unwrapped mine. I waited for her to do the same. She did.
Then I held mine out as if it were a wine glass and I was making a toast. “Here’s to clean slates and more kindness to our bodies.”
Nannie smiled. She tapped her cake against mine.
And then, together, we took a bite.
Nannie licked chocolate from the corners of her mouth. “Holy hell, that’s good.”
Chapter 38
Vanessa
I was riding the high of making amends with Nannie when I strode into the station that night. There was a pep in my step, despite my sore hips and back, and there wasn’t a thing that could ruin my night.
Lizzy met me in the studio with a great big smile and helped me with my bags. She and I had been in high spirits ever since Ryan, the waste of space frat boy intern, had been fired last week.
I might have had a hand in it when he made a comment about how it was hard to get past me in a doorway with my belly.
Had it been anyone else, I might have laughed, but I’d hated the little shit since day one, and lucky for me, Doug was there to hear the comment. I went up one side of him and down the other, and Ryan was practically begging to be fired by the time I was through with him.
Pregnancy had turned me into a fierce bitch and I wasn’t mad about it.
There was only one person a little peeved about the whole situation, and that was Kim, who was currently in the deepest, shittiest shit of all shits with the couple she was planning a wedding for. She was still head over heels for the groom, who, after seeing pictures of him, I understood her pain. She wanted to go on a tropical vacation and drink all her problems away.
But you know.
Pregnant.
Can’t do that anymore.
I didn’t mind. For the first time in my life, I didn’t hate where I was. Yes, I missed Rhys. And yes, I felt guilty for not telling him about the baby.
But I was happy. I was full. I was content.
I was at home in my own body, even though I was sharing it with someone else.
It didn’t make sense and it didn’t have to. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to. I truly believed that. And whatever happened next was destiny. That was how I’d survived each and every day, and it was how I would get through tonight and tomorrow and the day after that.
Like clockwork.
“You’re on the air in five,” Lizzy said.
Doug came into his office. He had a little gift bag with him spewing out blue and pink tissue. I pointed a finger at the bag and he held it up with an innocent little smile. “It’s for your baby shower. I’m missing it, so I wanted to give this to you early.”
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said as he handed me the bag.
“I wanted to. You deserve it. You’re going to be an amazing mother. That little one is lucky to have you. And I couldn’t help myself. You know I’m going to do everything in my power to make motherhood as difficult for you as possible.”
Laughing, I pulled the tissue out of the bag. Neatly folded up inside was a little baby onesie that read little shit disturber. I peered over the top of the onesie at my boss. “I can’t go out in public with my baby wearing this. People will judge me so hard.”
“So what?” Doug asked.
Lizzy rolled her eyes. “Just put it on when you’re at home. It would make for a pretty cute photo op. Not that I want to pay Doug a compliment.”
My boss laughed.
I gave him a hug as thanks and then moved into the studio, where I went through my normal routine of putting on my headphones, checking the audio quality, and preparing for my callers. Though my routine was a little different now. I didn’t put the glasses on. And I didn’t change my voice.
I was me on the air now. Straight up Vanessa Hampton. I still went by Nessa Night for marketing reasons—and because Doug reminded me I’d signed a contract and couldn’t go back on it—but for all intents and purposes, I was little old pregnant Vanessa when I was on the air.
My brother had blown his top when I told him I was the radio personality. When I was confused about his level of shock and horror, he explained that he’d used my romantic advice before to seal the deal with a girl.
That conversation ended with both of us in near hysterics, screaming at each other to never speak of such things ever again.
Ever.
Never ever.
And we had kept our word.
Doug rapped his knuckles on the w
indow between my studio and his office. I glanced up and he held up two fingers, marking the two-minute mark. The console was already blinking with red lights.
I was full of excitement. Coming into work was a much more enjoyable process now that I didn’t feel like I was pretending anymore. I was authentically myself. My words were truth. My experiences were real. I was raw and honest and vulnerable and no longer agonizing over feeling like a fraud.
I was as at home in this chair with my headset on as I was in my own body.
The revelation was a glorious one.
I was counted down to the final ten seconds. When I hit one, I went live and I couldn’t stop smiling as I greeted my audience.
“Good evening, ladies and gents. Lovers and love seekers. This is Nessa Night, your host for the show tonight. I hope you’re all having a good night. If you’re stuck in traffic, I’m sorry. You’ll be home soon. In the meantime, let’s chat. We’re going right into our first caller of the evening.” I pressed the first blinking red button. The line filled with soft static. “Hi there, caller. What’s your name, and how can I hope to heal your heart today?”
“My name is Reggie.”
“Hi, Reggie.”
“Hi, Nessa. Man, this is unreal. And so trippy. I can hear myself on my car radio.”
I laughed softly. “Yes. That’s sort of how this whole thing works. What are you calling me for tonight, Reggie?”
“I have a problem.”
“Of course, you do. Well, you’ve come to the right place. Tell me what’s going on.”
Reggie took a big breath to prepare, and then he started talking. He explained how he and his girl had gotten into a huge fight the night before about having kids. Neither of them were on the same page. She wanted children, and she wanted them soon, and he didn’t feel ready. He wanted to go the traditional route. Dating, marriage, buying a house, and then kids.
“Well,” I said once I’d heard him out, “it sounds to me like you guys just need to have many more conversations about this. Having children is a big deal. It’s not a decision to make lightly. If she’s not willing to continue talking to you about this, maybe she’s not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. We have to be with someone we can argue with. Someone we can come back to and apologize to, who will accept that apology and still love us, even though we disagree. Does that make sense, Reggie?”
“Yes. Yes, it does.”
“Now, I’m not saying you two need to break up because you’re on different pages. I think you just both need to really look at your situation. Is there a reason why she wants to have children right now? Is she scared she won’t be able to if she waits too long? Does she have health issues that might make it too difficult to have a child in the future? Is she at risk for infertility? There is so much more to this than just deciding to be parents. Go deep. Don’t shy away from the hard conversations. Because children will only make things harder.”
Reggie let out a deep breath that sounded like relief. “Thank you, Nessa. I appreciate this.”
“Anytime, sugar. You’ve got this. Good luck.”
I ended the call. Doug beamed at me from the other side. I beamed back.
Then I punched the next red button.
“Hi there, caller. What’s your name, and how can I hope to heal your heart today?”
The line was silent.
“Hello?” I asked.
Still silent. And then, finally, a voice. “Hi.”
“Hi.” I made myself smile. I believed you could hear in someone’s voice when they were smiling. And the man on the other end of the line sounded like he needed someone to talk to who was smiling. “How are you tonight?”
“Nessa?”
“Yes?”
“Nessa. Vanessa. It’s—it’s me.”
My heart flew into my throat. My pulse quickened so intensely that I was momentarily lightheaded.
“Why are you calling me at work?” I asked, completely aware that this was all live.
Doug was frowning. Lizzy was grinning. She knew all about Rhys. Had she helped set this up?
“I needed to talk to you. You won’t take my calls. But please. I need advice. Don’t hang up.”
How dare he call me looking for advice after everything that happened? Absently, I rubbed my belly—the belly holding his child—and considered hanging up on him.
But I thought better of it. This call was live and it wouldn’t look very good for me to hang up on a caller begging for my help.
“Fine,” I said. “Go ahead. What are you calling about?”
“I’m in love with a girl.”
I closed my eyes. Of course, he was. I couldn’t expect him to just wait, could I? No, it made sense that he’d moved on. Was he calling to rub salt in the wound? To prove that he’d done just fine without me?
“And?” I pressed.
“She can hold a real grudge, Nessa. And she can be mean. She ripped my heart out and stomped all over it and I can’t put myself back together. She’s killing me. And the only way I’ve been able to get a word in is to call her at work like a jackass and tell everyone listening that I’m in love with her. Still.”
I almost hissed his name into the phone. “What are you doing?”
“I’m begging for one more shot with you, Vanny.”
Lizzy squealed in Doug’s office.
“I can’t do this right now,” I said.
“Your listeners will understand. They can’t speak for themselves right now but I know the kind of people you help. They’re looking for love. And so am I. And we have it, Vanny. You and I. We have it and I know you know it. Are you really going to stand in the way of real love when it comes knocking on your door?”
“Oh my God,” I breathed, burying my face in my hands.
“I’m outside.”
“You’re what?”
“I’m in the parking lot. Come meet me. Or I’m going to come to you.”
I licked my lips. Then I met Lizzy’s eyes. She nodded for me to go. “Stay where you are,” I said. “I’m coming to you.”
Chapter 39
Rhys
I couldn’t believe it. She was coming to meet me.
I let my hand fall to my knee in the Porsche. The call was still on the air but I didn’t care who could hear. This was it. The final moment where we either said goodbye forever or we rallied and dove back in for one last try.
I prayed it was the latter.
The front door to the studio swung open and Vanny stepped out. She was bundled in a large shawl that she had wrapped around herself and thrown recklessly over one shoulder. She was wearing jeans and flats, and she walked a little funny as she marched down the sidewalk to meet me.
I got out of my car.
“Rhys, you dumbass. This is so unprofessional, I could—”
“Hush.”
She shut her mouth and stopped a foot away from me, glaring at me.
I reached out and took her hands in mine. “We both deserve to have this conversation. We can’t keep avoiding each other.” I turned her hand over to inspect her ring finger. The ring I’d given her wasn’t there. It was wishful thinking to have hoped it would be. “I think about you every day, Vanny. I can’t wrap my head around why we’re not together. Because we’re made for each other. I know it and you know it. And if you’re scared, I understand. I’m scared too. But please. Don’t give up on us before we even had a chance to really see what we could be.”
“Rhys, it’s more complicated than that. This isn’t just about us. It’s—it’s messy.”
“So what? Messy is my middle name.”
She rolled her eyes at me.
“Wait,” I said, wishing I could take back the joke. “Please. I need you. Or I need my heart back. But I’m not leaving without one. I can’t take it.”
“How do I give you your heart back?”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I don’t know. I hadn’t riddled that part out yet. I kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to
explain and that you’d just say you wanted me back, too.”
She stared blankly at me.
I cleared my throat. “I’m in love with you, Vanny. There it is. Plain and simple. I’ve loved you since we had pizza that night after Caprizee. Maybe since I saw you in that velvet dress at the bar. I was too dumb to see it then but I see it now. And I haven’t stopped loving you since, and I haven’t seen you in six months. How is that possible? This is the real deal. Nessa Night would know this is the real deal. She’d tell us to take the plunge. Wouldn’t she?”
Vanny searched my eyes. “You’re crazy, Rhys Daniels. Absolutely fucking crazy.”
“Maybe I am. Are you telling me you’re not down for a little crazy in your life?”
“I… I have a lot that I need to tell you.”
“I’m listening. You can tell me anything.”
“It’s heavy,” she said.
“It’s been a rough six months. I think I can take anything at this point.”
Vanny glanced at my phone on the seat in my car. “Is that still on?”
“Uh. I don’t know.” I picked it up. “Yes.”
“Hang up.”
“You’re gonna do your callers dirty like that?”
“Hang. Up.”
“Okay.” I hung up. My stomach was in a tight knot as everything I wanted and needed hung in the balance. What was she going to say? Was she going to tell me no? Had she met someone else? Was she in love with someone else?
Fuck. I wouldn’t be able to take that.
“Rhys.” She took my hands.
She was going to tell me to leave. My heart constricted in my chest. “Talk to me, Vanny. What are you thinking?”
She refused to meet my eyes.
“Look,” I said, struggling to get each word out, “if this isn’t what you want I need to hear you say it. If you haven’t thought about me at all these last six months then-”
She shook her head. “Of course I’ve thought about you, Rhys.” Vanny gnawed at her bottom lip. Then she slipped her hands free of mine and pulled her shawl to the side to pinch a silver chain necklace draped around her throat and pull it upward until it came free of her shirt. She held it up. From the chain hung the ring I’d given her.