by Rachel Marks
‘So all this time we’ve been together you’ve just been pretending? Keeping things secret from me?’
‘No. Not pretending. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I thought it was for the best.’
Mimi grabs a key from behind the bar. ‘Well, Emma has a very different version of events so I’d like you to leave now, please. I gave you the chance to finally be honest with me, but you decided not to take it.’
‘I am being honest. I promise you. Emma’s the one who’s lying.’
Mimi shakes her head. ‘Emma’s a lot of things but she’s not a liar. She’s my sister, Noah. She wouldn’t do that to me.’
I can see how horrible this is for her. Either her sister’s lying to her or I am. There’s no winning here for her.
‘I don’t know what to say. How to convince you.’
Mimi starts walking towards the back door but then turns and heads back to me. ‘You know, it took a lot for me to let you in after everything with Kate. I took a huge punt on you and I never do that. I knew there’d be times you’d need your space or whatever, but I always thought I could trust you.’
‘I was protecting Emma. And you. I knew if I told you about her kissing me, it’d ruin your relationship. Over nothing.’
‘It’s not nothing to me.’
I stand up and try to wrap my arms around her, but she pushes me away. ‘Please, Mimi. We can get past this. I promise you can trust me. I’d never do anything to hurt you.’
Mimi picks up my stool and puts it back on top of the table. ‘I’m sorry. This just made me realize you’re not the one for me. I made a mistake. I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for.’
‘You’re what I’m looking for. I love you.’
Mimi bites her lip and her gaze lingers on me for a few seconds before she looks away. ‘It’s not just about Emma. That just made me see things more clearly. We’re going in different directions.’
‘So let me come with you.’
‘I’m sorry. I just don’t feel what you want me to.’
‘But you said you loved me?’
‘I was wrong, I don’t. Not enough.’
Unless my emotional radar has been completely off the past month or so, I’m pretty sure this is a lie and I hate that she doesn’t feel she can trust me with the truth.
‘Well, I’ll be here if you change your mind.’
‘I won’t. Move on, Noah.’
I want to say that after taking over two years to even contemplate feeling anything for anyone new, the likelihood of it happening again is minimal, but I sense that she’s had enough. She’s said her piece. I’ve hurt her enough already. As much as I don’t want to, it’s time to leave.
‘I want you. I love you. But if you’re sure you want me to leave then I’ll respect your wishes.’
‘I’m sure,’ she says, eyes looking directly into mine, and it’s like being stabbed.
‘OK. Well, have a wonderful time on your travels. And keep going with the singing. I’ll listen out for you on the radio.’
Mimi looks like she’s trying to smile but that her face is caked in plaster and she can’t make it move. ‘Thanks.’
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
‘So, we’ve called this progress meeting today to bring all the different agencies together and see how things are going for the family. People present are: Harley’s mum, Emma; the family support officer, Janice; Harley’s teacher, Mr Carlton; the health visitor, Lucy; and me, Harley’s head teacher, Mrs Jackson. Janice, shall we start with you?’
‘Well, as we are all aware, Emma has been having some difficulties with her mental health and ten weeks ago she tried to take her own life …’
I try to block out the thought of her lying there motionless. The fear. But my sympathy for her has gone. All I feel for her now is anger.
‘… we’re really impressed with how Emma is engaging with all the support we have put in place. She is attending regular counselling appointments and a weekly stay-and-play session after school with Harley, and she has joined an online support group that was suggested to her for help with her depression. So, really, I have to say well done, Emma.’
Emma smiles shyly.
Mrs Jackson taps her papers on the table and then picks up her pen again. ‘Well, from the school’s point of view, I have been into a couple of the stay-and-play sessions and Emma seems to interact very positively with Harley. She uses lots of praise and has clear boundaries when he needs them. Mr Carlton, do you have any comments about Harley’s behaviour in class?’
I force myself to be professional. ‘We have a number of interventions we are using with him. Thrive. Tactile time. He’s a good kid. He’s doing much better, learning to share, to take turns, and he seems less angry.’
‘And how about Emma? Is she doing Harley’s reading with him? Is he fed? On time? Does he always have a coat?’
I look over at Emma and her eyes plead with me. This could so easily be a time for me to take revenge. But this is about Harley. And he is doing really well, and I’m happy about that.
‘Things are much better. She listens to him read regularly, he’s on time, he can tell me what he had for breakfast, he’s well turned out. I have no further concerns.’
Emma glances at me again and smiles and I know she’s trying to say thank you, but I don’t smile back, I can’t bring myself to, and I’m happy when the meeting is over and she has left the room.
Just before I head back to my classroom, Mrs Jackson taps me on the back. ‘I just wanted to say well done. You’ve done a super job with Harley this year. Given him a much better shot at succeeding than he would’ve had without you.’
The rush of emotion I feel in my chest is unexpected. ‘Thanks. I was just doing my job.’
Mrs Jackson rests her hand on my arm. ‘Accept the praise, Noah. I know we don’t always share the same methodology …’
I know what she’s saying – your classroom is a shithole, you look like you’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards, you’re always late, your class sometimes bears a closer resemblance to a farmyard than a group of children.
‘… but whatever you’re doing clearly works. And you went above and beyond for that boy. Thank you and well done.’
I attempt a nonchalant shrug while wanting to collapse on the floor in shock. And it makes me realize that this is why I went into teaching in the first place. The chance to actually make a difference in a child’s life. It’s still an amazing feeling. ‘Thanks.’
‘Oh, and one other thing I’ve been meaning to talk to you about …’
Surely she’s not going to give me the sack straight after doling out such praise? ‘What have I done wrong this time?’
She smiles. ‘Nothing. It’s actually an opportunity I thought you might want to take up.’ She rifles through her bag and pulls out some paperwork. ‘I was supposed to be spending the summer working in a school in Tanzania but my mum’s really not well …’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘I think she’ll be OK, we’re seeing this amazing doctor. Anyway, my point is, I need to be here with her and so they’re looking for someone to fill my place and I immediately thought of you.’
She hands me the paperwork and I take it with what I’m sure is a sceptical expression on my face. ‘Because I’m the only one who has nothing to stay around here for?’
‘No. Of course not. No, because you’re great with kids. I think you’d be a huge asset to the team.’
‘Really?’
‘Absolutely. Take a look at all the information and see what you think. I’ve written George’s number on there somewhere. He’s the guy that organizes it all. I don’t want any money for it. I’ve raised it all through cake sales and sponsored stuff. I’d just hate for it all to go to waste. Just think it over. No pressure.’
I’m strangely touched that she’s thought of me. ‘OK. Thanks. I’ll have a look at it.’
‘Yeah, see what you think. Like I said, no pressure.’
I take the paperwork back to class, shoving it into my bag with the knowledge that I’ll be giving it back to her tomorrow with a polite ‘Thanks but no thanks’, but still undeniably chuffed that she thought I’d be any good at it.
*
The boys charge into the flat after school. Kate had a midwife appointment so she asked if I could hold on to them for a bit, and it feels really nice seeing them in the week, breaking up the time that we’re apart. Apparently, they are frantically searching for something (they won’t tell me what), but after a few minutes they come running into the kitchen, Gabe clutching his iPad.
‘Come on, Gabe. Remember we said we were going to try hard to limit the screen time. Go and grab a board game and I’ll play with you both.’
‘No, I don’t want to play on it. I need to show you something,’ Gabriel says, short of breath. He starts tapping away on the screen and then holds it up for me to see. ‘It’s that video you did of Mimi. It’s got three thousand likes.’
I look at the screen, Mimi’s face staring back at me. ‘That’s not three thousand likes. That’s thirty thousand.’
I scroll down through all the comments. A few wankers have put ‘Hey there, sexy’ type stuff but most of them are raving about the song and Mimi’s voice and asking where they can buy it. And then I spot it, a comment from an actress. I recognize her name because she was on Strictly last year. I’m guessing she’s gone on to talk about it somewhere and suddenly Mimi’s name is on the map.
I wonder if Mimi’s been checking it. If she knows that she’s gone viral. I want to call her, but I know she wouldn’t answer. And then I notice that she has replied to some of the comments so I decide to put a comment on there myself.
Told you you could do it x
Then I make the boys turn the iPad off so that I no longer have to see Mimi’s deep green eyes or hear her voice gnawing into me.
‘Do you think she’s going to be on the radio, Daddy? Like Taylor Swift?’
‘Maybe. One day.’
‘Can she come over tonight, please?’ Finn says.
I rest my hand on his head. ‘Remember Daddy said we’re not really seeing Mimi any more, buddy?’
‘They split up, duh,’ Gabe says. ‘Like Mummy and Daddy.’
Hearing it like that makes me feel like such a failure. Is that how my boys are going to remember me? The man who messed everything up? Everyone else is moving on and making something of their lives and what am I doing? Festering in a pool of regret.
‘Go and get a game set up, boys. I’ll be there in a minute.’
The boys run off and I search in my bag for the paperwork from Mrs Jackson. Scrolling through, I locate George’s number, pick up my phone and type it in.
*
After I’ve dropped the boys home, I’m just about to put a pie in the oven when the phone starts ringing. I ignore it at first, but when it stops it starts up again right away. With a flash of hope, I wonder if it’s Mimi so I follow the vibration and eventually locate my phone in my school bag. When I pull it out, I see Emma’s name on the front screen. I’m so tempted to blank her, but I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if it had anything to do with Harley.
‘What is it?’
I can’t hear what Emma’s saying because there’s so much noise on the other end of the line. Banging and shouting. A man’s voice, I think. I can hear Emma’s breathing – hurried. Then the banging and the shouting are more muffled, as if Emma has covered the phone with her hand.
‘It’s Doug, my ex. He’s trying to break down the door.’
I feel a sudden panic. ‘Where’s Harley? Is he OK?’
‘I made him go upstairs but he’s terrified, Noah.’
I can make out the sound of a child’s voice, crying and shouting.
‘Go upstairs with Harley and keep the door locked, OK? Whatever you do, do not open the door. I’m on my way.’
I put the phone down, slip my shoes on and grab my keys. I drive as if I’m on a racetrack until I reach the house and see Harley’s dad smashing his fists against the door then opening the letterbox and begging Emma to let him in. He’s a big bloke and I’m suddenly a little scared and unsure about what I’m going to do. He doesn’t look like he’s in the mood to listen to reason.
‘Hey, Doug. Hold up.’
He turns, momentarily startled. ‘Who the hell are you? How do you know my name?’
‘I’m a friend of Emma’s.’
‘Oh yeah. Another friend. She’s such a fucking slut. I should’ve known to wear something on the end of it with that one.’
‘It’s not like that at all. I’m Harley’s teacher.’
He looks a little wrong-footed. ‘So what are you doing here now?’
‘You’re scaring her. And Harley.’
‘Well, if she just let me in, I wouldn’t need to cause all the commotion, would I? I only want to see my son.’
‘Well, I’m sure that could be arranged. We could try to sort something at the school where you could come and see him with one of us.’
‘I don’t need a supervised visit.’
‘OK, but you can’t see him in this state. You need to calm down.’
Doug strides over and squares up to me. His mouth is so close that I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
‘And who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can’t do?’ he says, pushing me in the chest and causing me to stumble backwards.
I just about manage to stay on my feet. ‘I don’t want any trouble.’
‘Then fuck off.’
He pushes me again, this time with both hands, and I crash back on to the ground. Then I hear the door latch being removed and Emma opens the door a crack.
‘No,’ I shout to her, but it’s too late.
Doug has reached the door and has his foot wedged in the little gap she has open. He reaches through and grabs a handful of her hair, pulling her face into sight.
I force myself up and run towards him. When he turns to look at me, I punch him straight in the jaw, causing my fingers to throb. He punches me back, just below my eye, sending my glasses flying and blurring my vision. Then before I can hit him again, he hammers me in my stomach and then pushes me to the ground. After that I can’t keep track of whether he is kicking or hitting me; the blows just keep coming until everything goes black.
CHAPTER THIRTY
When I wake up, everything hurts. I’ve never been in a car accident, but I imagine this is how it would feel. My bottom lip feels like it’s swollen to half the size of my face and my vision is limited, so I’m guessing one of my eyes is similarly disfigured.
‘You’re awake?’
I’m not sure where the voice is coming from or who it belongs to, but as I turn my head, it’s Kate’s face I see first, then Ben’s. Scanning the rest of the room, my neck feels stiff and my head pounds. In the corner, I spot Claudia, and I can’t be sure but it looks to me as if she’s in floods of tears.
‘Claudia, is that you?’
Ben and Kate come and stand either side of the bed, Kate reaching to hold my hand.
‘You’re OK.’ Kate is crying and laughing simultaneously.
‘I’m OK. Claudia, are you seriously crying over me?’
Claudia wipes her face and then sticks her middle finger up at me.
‘Did I have to get beaten up for you to realize you cared about me?’
Claudia’s face breaks into a smile. ‘Something like that.’
‘You scared us,’ Ben says, sitting down in the armchair beside my bed. ‘Fucking hell, Noah. We thought you weren’t going to wake up.’ His voice catches in his throat and I pray to God he’s not going to start crying too as I’m not sure I could take it if he did.
‘Oh, so that’s why you’re crying, Claudia. I had to go and bloody wake up, didn’t I?’
‘That’s not funny, Noah,’ Claudia says, her voice regaining its usual disappointed-with-me tone.
‘You can’t go doing things like that, do you understa
nd?’ Kate says, squeezing my hand. ‘We need you. We love you.’
‘Do the boys know I’m here?’ I say, suddenly feeling sick at the thought of them worrying about me.
‘No. We haven’t told them. They’re with Jerry.’
‘Good. I’m glad.’
‘So what the hell happened anyway? Do you remember? Who’s Emma?’ Ben says.
‘It’s Mimi’s sister. Her little boy’s in my class.’
‘So why was his dad beating the shit out of you? What have you done this time?’
‘Nothing. I haven’t done anything. She called me because he was trying to break down the door.’ The memory of what happened is quite blurred. I remember blocking his way. I remember throwing the first punch. But why? Then I suddenly remember. ‘Is Harley OK? Did he hurt him?’
‘The police wouldn’t tell us much,’ Kate says.
‘Then we need to ask. We need to find out.’
‘Calm down, Noah.’ Kate reassuringly strokes my hand. ‘We’ll find out, I promise.’
Then, through the glass panel at the end of the room, I spot Mimi.
Kate must follow my gaze because she stands up and kisses me on the cheek. ‘We’ll come and see you again later, OK?’
‘OK. Thanks.’
She gestures for the others to follow her lead and they do. Outside the room, I see Kate giving Mimi a hug and then Mimi opens the door, comes in and sits in the seat that Ben has just left.
‘Is Harley OK?’
Mimi nods. ‘He’s fine. The police arrived pretty much straight after he knocked you out. Apparently one of the neighbours heard the commotion and called 999.’
The relief feels like a warm blanket being wrapped around me. ‘I’m so glad he’s OK.’
‘Thanks to you.’
I start to shake my head, but stop when it hurts. ‘Anyone in my situation would’ve done the same thing.’
‘Oh, I’m not praising you. It was a stupid thing to do. He’s a nasty piece of work. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d had a knife. You’re lucky he didn’t kill you.’