“I don’t. Bodies are totally natural.” We go into the kitchen and I light up at my favorite batter in the mixing bowl, swiping a finger through it and sticking it in my mouth while Thea gives me a look. “But I don’t want to walk into your home and watch while Connor dicks you down, babe. I’d rather be the main show than watch one.”
Her cheeks turn a pretty shade of pink and she busies herself putting away ingredients. I fake a gasp and my mood lifts when a tiny squeak leaves her.
“You were totally doing it when I texted to say I was coming here, weren’t you?” When she opens and closes her mouth, darting her blue eyes to the doorway I nod. “Knew it. Sorry for interrupting.”
“It’s fine. You know our door is always open for you. Want me to invite everyone else over? We can make a night of it.”
“No, please.” Some of my easygoing bravado fades and I rub my hands over my face. “Can it be just you and me for a bit?”
“Of course, Maise.” Thea comes around the sleek white island to wrap her arms around me. “Connor’s in the shower, but he can go to Devlin’s if you need him to.”
“Thanks.”
A wave of gratefulness crests over me. I’m so glad I have such great friends and I feel more than a little bad I’ve kept them in the dark for so long. It’s only been a little under two weeks since I went to live with Fox, but how much I’ve been missing after getting sucked into his dark world hits me like a punch.
“How’s the bakery?” The opening is this week. God, I’ve been such a crappy best friend. “Everything ready?”
Thea lights up. “Yeah. I’m nervous as hell, but Connor’s been keeping me distracted whenever I go off on a tangent.”
I smirk at the loving curve of her mouth and the faraway look that fills her eyes for a moment. “I’ll bet he has.”
After she pours the batter into a baking tray and puts it in the oven, she washes her hands. I watch, leaning against the counter. She dries off, then nods toward the living room.
“What about that beach day you guys had?” We collapse on her couch, my head in her lap. “Tell me everything I missed while I’ve been laying low from my parents.”
“About that,” she says. “What’s the deal? You normally come stay with me when they suck.”
Biting my lip, I stare up at her. “I went to stay with Fox.”
Her brows jump up, but she makes no judgements. “Blair and Devlin called it.”
An amused breath gusts out of me. “Of course they did. Nothing gets by those two.”
“So you worked things out from all his broody staring, I take it?” She leans over me and her voice lilts with excitement. “Did you ride his motorcycle?”
It’s my turn to flush and I almost snort at the heat flooding my cheeks. I’m not embarrassed, but thinking about how we went from being at each other's throats to how it’s been since he let me in makes me warm all over.
“Pretty much. And yes, it’s… I can’t even describe how amazing riding it is.” I pause, waggling my eyebrows. “It’s not the only thing I was riding.”
Thea makes a scandalized noise that has both of us laughing and shoving at each other playfully.
I sigh, touching my leather bracelet as the amusement fades. “Until today.”
“What happened?” Her voice is soft and soothing. She’s always been nurturing and I close my eyes, letting her comfort me by running her fingers through my hair. “Tell me whatever you’re comfortable with sharing.”
I start at the beginning, explaining my childhood friendship with him in more detail than I gave her last year when he came back. Then I take her through his cold shoulder treatment, to everything changing after that fateful hookup at Jenna Taylor’s party and how he tormented me but I sought him out anyway. I couldn’t stay away from him if I tried. When I get to the story about sneaking into his car going from bribery to a car chase she yelps.
“Holy shit, Maisy,” she says with wide eyes.
“I know. Things have been crazy and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. There’s more.”
Now that I’ve started unloading this, it feels good. I don’t realize Connor is listening to me explain about all the corruption Fox and I have unearthed until he chimes in from the doorway where he’s propped against the frame, fingers tucked in the waistband of his basketball shorts.
“You’ve been doing all this under our noses? Shit, I could’ve helped you. I know some guys.”
Connor doesn’t elaborate, but I guess from the mischief in his gray eyes the guys he knows are probably like Colton and the friends Fox has described. The type of people that skate outside of the law.
“So does Fox. We haven’t been totally alone, but I didn’t want to interrupt up your lives with this mess. You just got married and after all the crap you both had to deal with last year, I didn’t want to add to any stress on top of opening the bakery.”
Thea squeezes me. “You can always lean on your friends no matter what, okay?”
“Thanks babe,” I murmur, soaking in the restorative energy of her magic hugs.
“Just let us know if we can do anything,” she says. “We’re here for you always.”
“You know we’ve got your back. You’re family and we protect our own.”
I snort. “Has anyone told you and Dev you sound like mob bosses when you guys say that?”
His wide smile is full of wickedness. “Gotta keep our reps striking fear in the hearts of our enemies.”
This time a laugh rolls through me, but it passes and I’m still left with the confused mix of feelings that haven’t really left since Fox confessed about Holden.
How can he still own my heart but make me want to tackle him for hurting my brother? If I did, would I fight him or kiss him?
“You still seem tense. Want me to roll a joint?” Connor offers.
“No thanks.” I shake my head, wanting to be clear headed more than relaxed right now. “Can Thea and I chill on our own for a bit?”
He gives us a charming crooked grin and nods. “You got it.” He comes over to the couch, bracing against the back of it to kiss Thea above me. “I’ll go see if the guys are all good for the opening, sunshine.”
“Thank you,” Thea murmurs, face tilted up for one more kiss.
My chest cinches tight watching them. It makes me miss the rich scent of leather and earthy woods mixed with motor oil. Makes me miss him. How can someone become necessary for breathing in such a short time?
He gave me my own freedom by letting me take his car. I could go back there…or I could get on the highway and drive until the road runs out. My dreams have always been focused on traveling, but I keep shoving it aside.
But this is where I should be right now. I can’t run from anything. My best friend is opening her bakery in two days and we’ve been planning the opening day for months.
“Peace out,” Connor calls as he leaves the apartment.
“I’m in love with him.” I don’t wait, pushing the admission out and staring up at my best friend. Fox is the only person who makes me feel so alive. “But he did something bad. Well, a lot of bad things.”
Thea puts a hand on my shoulder and helps me sit up. “We don’t get to pick who we fall for. Did he hurt you? Because if he hurt you, then—”
“Yes, but not the way you’re thinking.” I curl up next to her and let her drape her arm over my shoulders. Playing with the hem of my loose shirt—god, another shirt I stole from Fox without even realizing—I exhale and tell her the rest of what happened today. “When we finally worked through the grudge he had about me, he kept this part about Holden a secret. I forgave him and we got each other back. I want to trust there’s good in him, but when things get bad will he always take things so far?”
“Maybe. But that’s him before he had you with him.” She tilts her head. “It’s a partnership. Connor’s taken things too far, but together we find the balance.”
Balance. That’s what I want. If Fox didn’t push me away, I could’ve
pulled him back from the edge. I could’ve saved my brother from the heartache of his dream disintegrating right in front of him.
“What would make it better?”
I worry my lip for a moment. Holden still doesn’t know. He’s been better in the last few weeks now that he’s settled at Ridgeview Community College. Not just better, he’s been happy for the first time in a long time. I don’t want to ruin that by telling him the truth. Maybe I’m overreacting to all of this. For once, I wish I wasn’t so impulsive so I could’ve confronted Fox instead of leaving.
“Talking it out, I guess. But I don’t know, Holden’s been pretty chill. I’d hate to rehash it if it’s going to leave him reeling without the chance to reverse it. Fox said he sent incriminating video.”
Thea frowns. “Does he still wish he could have gone there to play? Because if he doesn’t, that might tell you the answer.”
I shrug. “I don’t know. He said he’s glad it worked out, but it was taken from him. Given the chance? Maybe. But I think he met someone in one of his classes this semester.”
“I think you should start by asking your brother since it has more to do with him.”
Nodding, I slouch further on the couch. I’ll text him later to broach the subject.
Thea’s always been the logical one between the two of us. Now that I have the space away from the emotions racing through me when Fox angrily spit out what he did, it doesn’t sting as badly when I prod at the memory. Betrayal still flares, but it’s the same as when Fox explained the reason he hated me. An indignant sort of ache, but not such a deep cut I’ll never move past it.
I try to picture if I had parents I idolized, would I end up like him? Every relationship poisoned by the demolition site of my heart? God, as angry as I was at him, my heart wobbles in sympathy.
I wonder what he’s doing right now and hope he managed to calm down or find a better outlet for his anger than throwing shit around. Today was a shock for him, too, and I left him alone to handle it.
“If I love him, why does it hurt so much?”
How can I love someone that is capable of turning his back on my brother? How can I be ready to forgive him?
Thea wraps me up in another hug. “It’s just how love is, messy and intense. Love is good and bad all at once.”
She’s right. More than that, I came here because I want to figure out what my priorities are. I jumped from standing up to my controlling, shady parents to throwing myself into Fox’s crusade for the truth. Now that he has it, do we keep going or does it stop here?
Did I let myself bounce from one thing to the next because I’m afraid to take something I want for myself? I’ve pushed off my road trip indefinitely for so many reasons. It’s scary to think I barely know my own self underneath all the layers I’ve put on over the years at my parents’ command.
As I turn it over in my head, it rings true. That’s been my problem, finally teased out from the murky shadows.
I’m scared. Too worried what happens if I make a mistake because I’m not used to making my own choices. And I used my shock about Holden to give the fear bigger wings.
My throat constricts and it takes a few tries to swallow past the lump that forms. I twist my fingers in Fox’s stolen shirt, bringing the oversized neckline to my nose to take comfort in his faint scent lingering behind, like I’ve brought a piece of him with me.
It’s still wrong, what he did. But Holden is happy and just like me, he’s not physically hurt by Fox’s manipulations.
“What do you need?” Thea prompts, breaking into my internal reflection. “Do you want to leave town for your trip? I know it’s been hard to work it out, but you can take my car. We’ll go together to your house and pack up all your stuff into the back.”
A pang hits me hard. My first thought is Fox. I need him. I feel most like myself, my true self, when I’m with him. But I don’t want to be the girl who can only be like that with him. That’s why I asked him for space because everything was getting too crazy.
I need to live for me and make my own choices. But am I doing that if I stay for him, or should I stop letting excuses keep me from taking the road trip and moving to California?
As soon as I consider it, I know that’s not what I need. The thought of leaving him behind hurts as much as it did when he was gone from my life. When I think of going to California now, I picture what we’ve both been talking about—both of us on the road together, him opening a workshop and me making my own path with a yoga studio of my own. I never wanted to do it alone, but I didn’t realize I was waiting for the right person to do it with. Someone who knew from the beginning how much I dreamed of it.
I brush the old stones of my bracelet. When he gave them to me, he said they reminded him of me. I always thought the blue one looked like his eyes.
Fox is woven into my heart and soul, bound by our years-old connection and strengthened by everything we’ve been through together in the last couple of weeks.
That’s what I needed to figure out. I couldn’t see it until I stepped back. I was afraid I wasn’t ready to discover myself, too scared to do something on my own.
While I search my head and heart for what I need, Thea waits patiently.
“I think living for myself doesn’t have to mean that if I’m with Fox, I’m forgetting myself,” I finally say.
Thea’s eyes crinkle with her smile. “No one can outshine your light. Only enhance it.”
“Yeah, you’re right. It’s about making my own choices.”
Something I never had the luxury of with my parents breathing down my neck. Now that I know why they’ve been so meticulous my stomach turns in disappointment.
Screw them, though. They can’t control me anymore. No one can, only me.
It’s my choice to be with Fox and I’m not giving that up.
“Thanks for letting me talk it out, dude. You rock, forever and always.”
Thea huffs in amusement and cups my cheeks. “I just asked the questions, you did all the heavy lifting.”
I raise both arms and flex my biceps, enjoying the sound of her laugh. She pops up from the couch and disappears for a few minutes while I breathe through the lifted weight off my chest now that I found some clarity.
When she comes back, she has freshly baked cupcakes and holds up a bag of chips. “Want to gorge ourselves on snacks and marathon Bake Off until we pass out? I promise, you can eat all the cupcakes this time because I love you and you need it.”
“Yes,” I say, dragging it out in a lazy drawl. “You’re the best.”
“And don’t you forget it.”
“Never,” I swear.
Thirty-Three
Fox
Darkness fell over the warehouse before I moved from the spot where I collapsed.
I could lose everything all over again. Revenge set me on this path, and if I hadn’t followed it I would never have known the truth about my parents and what happened to them. It led me back to the girl who has always made my heart feel whole. But…it could be what poisons our relationship before it starts.
She never said we were done, even left most of her things behind, yet the dull ache in my chest has been a constant reminder of her absence as soon as I offered her the keys to the Charger.
There’s a row of crystals she lined up on the windowsill near the bed. I pick up a pink one that looks the same as the other bracelet she wears, then put it back. Pushing my fingers through my hair until it's sticking on end, I sigh raggedly.
I should’ve told her everything at the start, as soon as I trusted her again and let her in. I’m an idiot for hiding what I’ve done. The last secret I kept from her never should’ve come out because I was in pain and losing control.
It’s been two days since she left and every minute has been an agonizing blur of self-loathing, pushing my body past its limit so I pass out, then waking up drenched in a cold sweat in the middle of the night from a nightmare, bed fucking empty. No matter what I do, my demons come for me a
nyway. I keep at it. All so I don’t chase after her and beg her to look at me, to see past the monstrous things I’ve done.
Keeping her was a pipe dream. I knew I was someone she should run from, but I swallowed her in my darkness anyway.
In the short time she’d been here, she filled this space with her light. Now it feels as empty as I do. I miss her. The rhythm of her breathing when she stops, drops, and does yoga at all hours of the day. The shape of her next to me in bed. The amused little curl of the corners of her mouth when I steal the coffee she can’t ever finish. Damn it, the bright look that fills her eyes when she talks about how much California felt like a home she didn’t know she’d miss even though she’s only been once.
When she busted her way back into my heart, she put me back together. I’ve been broken for years, damaged beyond repair, but she made it better. She made me want more out of my life. As long as it meant having her by my side. I want to see her seek out every dream she has.
Taking in the state of the studio apartment, my stomach clenches. Destruction is all around me. For the first time in a long time, I don’t want it. Any of it.
I go to the kitchenette in the corner and pick up the twisted scrap metal. My fingers follow the curved shape and if I squint, I can see the shape of a flower. I didn’t know what this was before when I made it, one of those pieces I followed instinct instead of a plan.
I was making her. Making what I feel about her.
Swallowing past the roughness in my throat, I put it down and clean up the broken mugs and a bowl that shattered when I threw the thing I made across the room. Once I’m done, I move to the couch, bringing the abstract metal flower representing my girl with me. I put it on the coffee table and trace the shape with my gaze, seeing the curve of her smile, the arch of her back, the indescribable and intangible feeling of her excitement when she’s on the back of my bike.
No wonder I followed the pull to create, willingly leaving her in my bed to get this out of my head. I was a man possessed until she crept down those stairs. I lean forward and curl my hand around it, imagining it’s her under my palm.
Savage Wilder: Dark New Adult High School Bully Romance (Sinners and Saints Book 4) Page 28