by Quinn Loftis
“It’s a good thing because I was about to start gnawing on your arm.”
They drove through a fast food place and then were back on the road and headed for home. Just as Tara finished her lunch, her phone chimed, letting her know she’d received a text message.
She pulled the phone from her purse and felt the familiar storm of butterflies in her stomach that now seemed to erupt every time she received a text.
“That your boo?” Shelly asked as she popped a fry in her mouth.
“If you’re not talking about a ghost then I have no idea what you’re saying,” Tara said as she looked at the screen of her phone.
It was from Elias. The butterflies picked up the pace as she clicked on the text and watched it open.
Good afternoon, luv. Checking in to see how your day has been. I miss you.
Tara wanted to ask why he hadn’t called her if he missed her so much. He said he missed her in every text he sent. She also wanted to know why he only sent her one text a day. And she was curious as to why his texts sounded like something a girl would receive from her boyfriend, when he clearly was not her boyfriend. But instead of demanding answers, because she was not going to look like an obsessed girlfriend, especially since she was not his girlfriend, she responded as she always did.
It’s been a good day. Shelly and I went dress shopping. The prom is coming up in a couple of weeks.
Tara hit the send button before she could delete what she’d typed.
“Why do you have an evil grin on your face?” Shelly asked.
“Why don’t you have your eyes on the road?”
“Because I noticed the evil grin on your face and want to make sure you’re not about to shank me.”
“Why on earth would I shank you while you’re driving? I don’t have a death wish,” Tara replied.
“Good point,” Shelly nodded. “All right, then what’s got you all pleased with yourself?”
“I told Elias we went dress shopping for the prom.”
Shelly’s lips turned up into a big smile. “Did you mention that you have a date?”
“We’re going as friends.”
“A friend date is still a date.”
“No. He probably won’t even read it. He never responds to my texts,” Tara said with a sigh.
Shelly looked as if she was about to speak when Tara’s phone chimed again. Shelly’s smile got even bigger, if that were even possible. “Apparently, he does.”
Tara read the text and decided to throw Shelly a bone and read it out loud.
Are you and Shelly going together?
“Oh man, you better offer him a pole because he’s fishing and you’re the lure,” Shelly said as she cackled.
“Clever,” Tara said as she texted him back.
Yes, we are. Tucker asked me to be his date, and I agreed but only as friends and only if Shelly came along.
She stared at the screen, expecting there to be an immediate writing bubble pop up … but there was nothing.
Shelly bounced up and down in her seat, literally. “What’d you say?”
“I told him that we are going together and that Tucker asked me to be his date, and I said I would be but only as friends.”
“Oh dear, we are in trouble,” she said in her best Filch voice. The bouncing continued as she asked, “What’d he say? It’s good, isn’t it? It’s got to be good.” The words were spoken more to herself than to Tara.
Tara stared down at her phone, waiting.
“Tara,” Shelly said, and Tara could see from the corner of her eye that her friend had stopped bouncing. “What did he say?”
“Nothing,” she finally answered. “He didn’t respond.”
“Yet. He didn’t respond yet,” Shelly said. “Because he will. Maybe he had to set his phone down and get back to work with their dirt emergency or whatever it is they do. I’m still not clear on it.”
“Dirt emergency?” Tara asked, as she tilted her head and eyed Shelly.
“You’re deflecting.”
Tara shrugged. She totally was deflecting and trying to distract herself from the fact that Elias still hadn’t responded to her news about Tucker asking her to go to the prom. What had I hoped for? Had she secretly been hoping he would lose his mind and beg her not to go? Maybe.
By the time Shelly pulled into Carol’s driveway Tara was thinking of all the ways she could distract herself to keep from looking at her phone every five minutes, as she had done the entire drive.
“Hey,” Shelly said before Tara could climb out of the car.
“Yeah?”
“How’s the whole superhero thing? Is your hymen still impenetrable?”
Tara rolled her eyes. “If something that major had changed—and I don’t mean related to my freaking hymen-—I mean if my body were suddenly capable of being injured, don’t you think I would have mentioned it to you?”
“Maybe,” Shelly said. “But it took you five years to even tell me that you had a superpower. The trust is fragile, Tara-bear. It has to be rebuilt, you know?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Tara said, nodding vigorously. “The trust is definitely fragile. We should probably spend some time apart in contemplative, personal, reflective meditation. We need to be looking inward at what we can do to build the trust. In fact, we should plan to be apart for the next couple of weeks so the healing can begin.”
Shelly was staring at her as if she’d grown a nipple on her forehead. “Are you done?”
Tara tapped her chin. “For now. I’ll text you if I have any more thoughts on how we can heal.”
“Fantastic,” Shelly said. “But more importantly, you will let me know when yo’ man texts you back and what he has to say.”
“That’s more important than healing our trust issues?” Tara asked as she opened her door and climbed out. Tara closed the passenger door and then opened the back door to get her purchases. By the time she’d walked around the front of the car and was headed to the front door, Shelly had rolled down her window and had her arms hanging out of it.
“Do you want my answer or what?” her friend asked.
“If I said, ‘or what,’ would it hurt your feelings?”
“You killed my feelings a long time ago. I’m just a body going through the motions of life.”
Tara laughed as she headed up the stairs of the porch. “I think you’re going to be just fine.”
“Don’t be surprised if I wind up with a circuit board for a heart,” Shelly called out through the window as she backed out of the driveway.
Once in the house, Tara glanced at the clock and saw that Carol would be home in an hour. She wanted to have dinner ready when her foster mom got home so she was going to have to hurry. She took the dress to her room, hung it up in the closet, and set her purse and the bag containing her shoes and earrings on her bed. Her phone was burning a hole in her back pocket with its continued silence.
She washed her face and hands before heading back to the kitchen and rummaging through the pantry to see what she had to work with. It didn’t take long to realize it had been a while since she or Carol had been to the grocery store. “Okay, grilled cheese and tomato soup it is then.”
Her timing turned out to be impeccable. As she took the pot of tomato soup off the stove, Tara heard Carol come in the front door.
“It smells delicious in here.” Carol’s voice carried into the kitchen. Tara heard the hall closet door creek open and knew Carol was hanging up her purse on the hook inside the door. Then she would take off her shoes and slip them into the closet. Knowing Carol was going through her evening routine was strangely comforting to Tara.
“Grilled cheese and tomato soup,” Tara called out. “Because it’s freezing outside.” It totally wasn’t freezing outside. It was April for goodness sakes. “Or maybe because it was all we had.”
“Sounds wonderful,” Carol said. “I’m going to change really quick and then I will join you.”
Tara set the table and Carol entered a few min
utes later.
“Thank you, Lord, for this food and for Tara’s kind heart. And thank you, Tara, for making us dinner,” Carol said as she stirred her bowl of soup and took an appreciative sniff.
“You might want to reserve thanking me until you’ve actually tasted it.”
“I worked a twelve-hour shift and came home to a meal ready to eat that I didn’t have to think about or prepare. That makes it delicious no matter what it tastes like. And it’s a can of soup. How badly can you have messed that up?”
Tara smiled. “How was work?” she asked and then took a bite of her own grilled cheese sandwich. Tara had to admit, she did make a mean grilled cheese.
“It was one of those days where I wondered why I went into nursing in the first place,” Carol said. She scooped up a spoonful of soup and sipped it. She closed her eyes and smiled. “Hmm, so good. Every time I eat tomato soup, doesn’t matter what time of year, it always takes me back to when I was a kid and my grandmother would make it for me and my brother during the cold winter months.”
Tara’s throat caught. She swallowed a spoonful of soup, and her own memories surfaced. Her mother had loved to make tomato soup and would add evaporated milk to it to make it creamy. Why was she only just now remembering that and not while she’d been preparing dinner? She wished it had been a memory that had resurfaced while she’d been alone and not while she was sitting with Carol who always saw too much.
“It’s good to remember them,” her foster mom said. Her voice was gentle and her eyes full of understanding. Somehow, without fail, she knew Tara was thinking about her parents.
“How do you always know?” Tara asked. It was a question she’d wanted to ask many times over the years but hadn’t been sure if she really wanted to know the answer. Now, she was simply looking for a distraction from her own pain and from her constant thoughts about Elias. Damn Elias and his lack of response.
“Pain is a universal experience,” Carol said. She sat her spoon down, picked up her sandwich, and took a bite. Tara watched Carol chew slowly and purposefully as she seemed to gather her thoughts. After swallowing, she continued. “It’s universal in how we feel it and in how it is manifested. Our pain can be from a physical injury or it can be an emotional response to something. Regardless of what causes the pain or what type of pain it is, it is revealed in each of us the same way.”
Tara found herself leaning toward her foster mom, her food forgotten as she waited to hear what it was that she had in common with the rest of the humans on the earth. What was it that made her not alone in her suffering? What made her not unique? “What is it?” She heard herself asking when Carol didn’t continue as fast as Tara wanted her to.
“Our eyes,” Carol answered. “When we are in pain—emotional or physical—our pupils dilate. Always.”
Okay. That wasn’t what Tara had been expecting. Although, she didn’t really know what she’d been expecting, though she didn’t think it was going to be a biological response. But then, Carol was a nurse. Naturally, she would know something like that. And it would be in the forefront of her mind when dealing with a person who’d had traumatic experiences in their past.
“I think it was something God did so we couldn’t hide our pain,” Carol continued. “There are some who have an immense tolerance for pain. They can bury it so deep you’d never even know that having their leg cut off was excruciating. There are some who can take their emotions and shove them into steel boxes and then encase those in ice so that everyone around them never know they are suffering. But a single thought for a single second that they are in pain, and poof”—she made a popping motion with her hand—“the eyes dilate. It’s sometimes only for a fraction of a second and you have to be watching closely, but it’s there.” She reached across the table and placed her hand on top of Tara’s. Giving it a firm squeeze, she looked into her eyes. “I don’t believe God designed us to be alone. And I especially don’t believe He ever wanted us to suffer alone.”
Tara blinked several times, forcing the tears wanting to fall to stay right where they were. She knew Carol cared for her and only wanted to see her thrive, but Tara wasn’t ready to go down this road. She was too raw from dealing with her emotions toward Elias. She couldn’t be stripped even more by talking about her parents. “Why does pain make them dilate?” When in need of a distraction, ask a question.
Carol gave her hand one last pat and then released it. She took another spoonful of soup before answering. “It’s chemistry. When the body is in pain, physically or emotionally, it releases a hormone called adrenaline. And that hormone causes the eyes to dilate.”
Of course, it was a hormone. Hormones were the curse of humanity. If the whole Garden of Eden thing were true and Adam and Eve were created by God and then screwed up and then were punished … hormones were that punishment.
“Thank you so much for the meal,” Carol said as she finished her last bite. She stood up and gathered her plate, cup, and silverware. She paused and looked at Tara. “You have come so far from the little girl who sat on my porch all those years ago. And regardless of how much work there still may be left, don’t let it take away from what you’ve already accomplished.”
“Have I really accomplished anything, though?” Tara asked before she could stop herself.
Carol’s eyes softened. “You didn’t curl up in a ball and give up. After what you lost, I’d say that’s a huge accomplishment. And you haven’t killed Shelly. That’s also a huge accomplishment.”
Tara’s heart lifted as she laughed at her foster mom’s words. In truth, though, it was more of an accomplishment that Shelly hadn’t killed Tara. And maybe that’s what made it so funny because Carol knew it, too.
They rinsed their dishes in companionable silence and loaded the dishwasher. When they were done, Carol pulled Tara in for a quick hug and then released her.
“I hate to say good night when I’ve only just gotten home—”
Tara held up her hand and gently interrupted. “You do not have to ever apologize to me for needing rest. You work too much.”
Carol sighed. “But I still feel bad that you’re alone so much.”
“I’m fine, Carol. And that’s all because of you. Now go sleep. I’ve got some homework to do and then I’m going to get some sleep, too.”
“All right then, sweet girl.” Carol started off toward her room but then stopped and held up a finger. “Oh, wait. How did the dress shopping go?”
Tara felt her lips turn up in a grin. “I got a black dress.”
Carol chuckled. “Really? I was thinking you’d go with something more along the lines of peach.”
“Har, har,” she deadpanned. “I swear you and Shelly are in cahoots with one another.”
“Naw,” Carol said shaking her head as she continued toward her bedroom. “We just know you. Sleep tight. Love you.”
“Good night, Carol. Love you, too.” Tara headed for her own room. Her feet dragged as she pushed open the door and stepped inside. Her eyes immediately homed in on the cell phone lying on her bed. The stupid thing was mocking her, she was sure of it. After simply staring at it for a couple of minutes, she let out a huff and walked over to the bed. She picked up the device and watched the screen come to life from the movement.
She had three text notifications. The first two were from Elias, and the third was from Shelly.
Elias: Not going to lie, luv, the jealousy is alive and well over here. Right or wrong, I can’t stand the idea of you with him. Please, promise me you will be careful.
Elias: And don’t let him touch you.
Shelly: Either you’re busy or you haven't heard from Elias. Or I guess you could be lying on the floor in your house because a light fixture fell on your cranium and knocked you unconscious. If so, when you come to, please text me and let me know how your curious cat responded to your declaration … oh, and probably you should ice your head.
Tara rolled her eyes at her phone and sent her friend a text.
I lov
e that in the whole light-fixture -hitting-my-head scenario, you didn’t bother to ask me to let you know if I was okay.
The response from her BFFF was swift.
Because once you texted me what Elias’s response was without prefacing it with “I’m in an ambulance” or “I’m at the hospital.” then I knew I would know that you were just fine. WHAT DID HE SAY?
Your logic is disturbing.
He responded to you by saying your logic was disturbing???
No, you dork! I’m saying your logic is disturbing in regard to me. Tara pinched the bridge of her nose and then added to the text before she hit send. He said he was jealous and asked me to be careful and to not let Tucker touch me.
The typing bubble appeared and then a few seconds later, Shelly’s text.
Possessive. Yummy. Okay, now I can go to sleep. Shopping wears me out. See you when I see you.
Night.
Tara shook her head at her friend. It was only eight o’clock, and her normally crazy friend was going to bed because the shopping had worn her out. “What are you a toddler?” she muttered under her breath.
Tara got her homework done so she wouldn’t have to worry about it for the rest of the weekend and then took a quick shower. When she climbed into bed, she decided she would return Elias’s texts.
Both you and Tucker are my friends. There isn't anything for either of you to be jealous about.
To her surprise, the text bubble immediately appeared on her screen indicating he was replying.
So, he’s jealous of me?
How was it possible for a text message to sound pleased?
No. I don’t talk to him about you. I don't really talk to him at all.
Hmm, I like that last part. Can I at least get a picture of you in your dress?