by Matt Haig
How to stay sane on the internet: a list of utopian commandments I rarely follow, because they are so damn difficult
1.Practise abstinence. Social media abstinence, especially. Resist whatever unhealthy excesses you feel drawn towards. Strengthen those muscles of restraint.
2.Don’t type symptoms into Google unless you want to spend seven hours convinced you will be dead before dinner.
3.Remember no one really cares what you look like. They care what they look like. You are the only person in the world to have worried about your face.
4.Understand that what seems real might not be. When the novelist William Gibson first imagined the idea of what he coined ‘cyberspace’ in 1982’s ‘Burning Chrome’, he pictured it as a ‘consensual hallucination’. I find this description useful when I am getting too caught up in technology. When it is affecting my non-digital life. The whole internet is one step removed from the physical world. The most powerful aspects of the internet are mirrors of the offline world, but replications of the external world aren’t the actual external world. It is the real internet, but that’s all it can be. Yes, you can make real friends on there. But non-digital reality is still a useful test for that friendship. As soon as you step away from the internet – for a minute, an hour, a day, a week – it is surprising how quickly it disappears from your mind.
5.Understand people are more than a social media post. Think how many conflicting thoughts you have in a day. Think of the different contradictory positions you have held in your life. Respond to online opinions but never let one rushed opinion define a whole human being. ‘Every one of us,’ said the physicist Carl Sagan, ‘is, in the cosmic perspective, precious. If a human disagrees with you, let him live. In a hundred billion galaxies, you will not find another.’
6.Don’t hate-follow people. This has been my promise to myself since New Year’s Day, 2018, and so far it is working. Hate-following doesn’t give your righteous anger a focus. It fuels it. In a weird way, it also reinforces your echo chamber by making you feel like the only other opinions are extreme ones. Do not seek out stuff that makes you unhappy. Do not measure your own worth against other people. Do not seek to define yourself against. Define what you are for. And browse accordingly.
7.Don’t play the ratings game. The internet loves ratings, whether it is reviews on Amazon and TripAdvisor and Rotten Tomatoes, or the ratings of photos and updates and tweets. Likes, favourites, retweets. Ignore it. Ratings are no sign of worth. Never judge yourself on them. To be liked by everyone you would have to be the blandest person ever. William Shakespeare is arguably the greatest writer of all time. He has a mediocre 3.7 average on Goodreads.
8.Don’t spend your life worrying about what you are missing out on. Not to be Buddhist about it – okay, to be a little Buddhist about it – life isn’t about being pleased with what you are doing, but about what you are being.
9.Never delay a meal, or sleep, for the sake of the internet.
10.Stay human. Resist the algorithms. Don’t be steered towards being a caricature of yourself. Switch off the pop-up ads. Step out of your echo chamber. Don’t let anonymity turn you into someone you would be ashamed to be offline. Be a mystery, not a demographic. Be someone a computer could never quite know. Keep empathy alive. Break patterns. Resist robotic tendencies. Stay human.
Never let go
OF THE CHALLENGES we face over the next century, as we begin to merge in more and more complex ways with technology, one of the most interesting might be this: how do we stay human in a digital landscape? How do we keep hold of ourselves and never let go?
Be careful who you pretend to be
KURT VONNEGUT SAID, decades before anyone had an Instagram account, that ‘we are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful who we pretend to be’. This seems especially true for the social media age. We have always presented ourselves to the world – chosen which band T-shirt to wear and which words to say and which body parts to shave – but on social media the act of presenting is heightened a stage further. We are eternally one step removed from our online selves. We become walking merchandise. Our profiles are Star Wars figures of ourselves.
A picture of a pipe is not a pipe, as Magritte told us. There is a permanent gap between the signifier and the thing signified. An online profile of your best friend is not your best friend. A status update about a day in the park is not a day in the park. And the desire to tell the world about how happy you are, is not how happy you are.
How to be happy
1.Do not compare yourself to other people.
2.Do not compare yourself to other people.
3.Do not compare yourself to other people.
4.Do not compare yourself to other people.
5.Do not compare yourself to other people.
6.Do not compare yourself to other people.
7.Do not compare yourself to other people.
One more click
IF A RAT presses a lever and gets a treat every time, it will keep pressing. But not as often as the rat who presses the lever and gets mixed results – sometimes a treat, sometimes nothing at all.
I used to think social media was harmless. I used to think I was on it because I enjoyed it. But then I was still on it even when I wasn’t enjoying it. I remembered that feeling. It was the feeling you get at three in the morning in a bar after your friends have gone home.
Algorithms eat empathy
NOW, THANKS TO clever algorithms, when we do our shopping we are presented with lots of other things that we might like. Things that people like us would buy.
If we are on Spotify or YouTube listening to music, they present us with a list of music that is almost exactly like the music we are already listening to.
If we are on Amazon, we are shown the books that people who bought this book also bought.
If we are on social media, we are told to follow more people like the people we already follow. More like us.
We are encouraged to stay in our zone and play it safe, because the internet companies know that on average most people generally like to listen and read and watch and eat and wear the kind of stuff they have already listened to and read and watched and eaten and worn. But all through history we weren’t able to do that. We had to go out and compromise and deal with people who weren’t like us. With things that weren’t like the things we liked. And it was horrid.
But now it might be even worse.
Now we might end up utterly hating anyone who doesn’t think like us. Politicians might end up never trying to reach out to the other side. Difference becomes something to fear, and sneer at, not celebrate. People with similar views end up falling out, unable to stomach even the slightest difference of opinion, until they are trapped in a little echo chamber of one, reading a million versions of the same book, listening to the same song, and retweeting their own opinions until the end of time.
But we are humans. We can resist this. We can resist being confined to a little digital tribe. We can embrace life at its full bandwidth. We are finding ways to do so all the time. Yes, we might be a mess. But our strength is our messiness. We don’t do things simply because they make sense. The internet can be our ally, not our enemy, in this. The internet contains a whole world. The internet can be what we want it to be. The internet can lead us anywhere we choose. We just have to make sure that we – not the technology, not the designers and engineers able to manipulate our every mood – are the ones doing the choosing.
What people on social media think of social media
IN MY QUEST to insulate my mind from the nervous planet I began to imagine what I would feel like if I abandoned social media altogether. So, while imagining what life would be like without social media I, um, went to social media to try to find out. I decided to ask some of my Twitter followers a big, simple question: ‘Is social media good or bad for your mental wellbeing?’ The question hit a nerve. I received over 2,000 answers. They offer, of course, a complicated picture. Although, considering th
at these are people who are active and regular users of social media, the picture is quite negative. I mean, if you imagine asking regular book readers or cinemagoers or horse riders or hill walkers the same thing, it would be unlikely you would get such a mixed response. Anyway, here is a representative selection:
April Joy @AprilWaterson
It’s both a coping mechanism and a cause for anxiety. When I’ve been anxious it’s nice to mindlessly scroll and read for distraction. But at the same time, the incessant need to post things that are 100% guaranteed to be judged by people isn’t exactly a calming thought.
Dean Smith @deansmith7
Bad. I can find myself comparing my behind-the-scenes footage (loneliness, anxiety etc) to people’s highlights reel (socialising, success etc). I know it’s not a true reflection of their lives but it can still get to me.
Miss R! @Fabteachertips
I find when I’m feeling at my lowest, I can easily lose hours to scrolling through my social media feeds in bed alone. I really don’t know why I do it, there are so many more productive things I could be doing. It doesn’t make me feel better, that’s for sure!
Immi Wright @immi_wright
I quit Facebook after I reached v suicidal levels . . . and found I started to feel more confident in myself. I guess FB often presents people’s ideal self. On Twitter I just follow rock stars and @dog_rates, so there’s far less of that to worry about.
Kieran Sangha @kieran_sangha
It’s good in the sense you can connect with others that understand what you’re going through. The downside is that it feeds an addiction, like substance abuse, and it can have the power to take over your life.
Hayley Murphy @hayleym_swvegan
Good. There’s no one, and I mean NO ONE who understands me in ‘real life’. It’s literally life-saving to know I’m not alone. Any tool used in the wrong way can be dangerous, but used in the right way it can be incredible.
Bonnie Burton @bonniegrrl
Mixed. Good because I can connect easily with people who inspire me & whom I admire. Bad because social media ends up being a platform for harassment because there are no consequences for horrible behaviour.
Shylah Ellis @MsEels
As a kid, without social media, I basically assumed I was the only person out there suffering from depression. I felt isolated all the time and the only people I had contact with were toxic. Social media has allowed me to interact with incredible people from all over the world.
Kyle Murray @TheKyleMurray
I work in social media and while I think it has some positives, I think if I could keep up with distant friends in other ways, I’d probably just avoid it altogether. It’s been weaponized by awful people. I’ve had FB since 2004 and mostly for nostalgia factor I keep it live.
James @james____s
A quote I heard recently: ‘Facebook is where everyone lies to their friends. Twitter is where they tell the truth to strangers.’
Abigail Rieley @abigailrieley
Both. I’ve made real friends online & the support if you reach out can be very real BUT if you’re down & feeling useless it can be a window into a world you’re locked out of, isolating.
Kate Leaver @kateileaver
Mixed, but better than its reputation would suggest. Believe legit friendship can be conducted via social media, which is helpful if you can’t leave the house. Getting to glimpse other lives when you’re lonely/depressed is helpful at times.
Jayne Hardy @JayneHardy_
Both, I have to have good boundaries around it but when I manage and assert those boundaries, social media is a positive for me.
Gareth L Powell @garethlpowell
As a self-employed writer, Twitter is like my office water cooler. It’s where I go to talk to friends and colleagues. Without it, I would feel very isolated.
Claire Allan @ClaireAllan
Mixed. As a writer working alone it gives me social interaction which is sanity saving. But I think it spotlights the best & more frequently the worst of humanity so that increases my anxiety.
Yassmin Abdel-Magied @yassmin_a
It’s like anything. It can be great, but needs to be managed well in order for the good to outweigh the bad. Some of my best new friends I’ve connected with on Twitter.
Hollie Newton @HollieNuisance
I like the ideas and the news and the colourful pictures. I like seeing what my friends are up to. Interacting. But spend more than a few minutes . . . And I start to feel, increasingly, like an inadequate nobody.
Cole Moreton @colemoreton
Not good. It agitates me, draws me into its angry argument, then I get repulsed and want to shut it all down. Then the cycle starts again.
Rachel Hawkins @ourrachblogs
Mixed. Instagram can leave me feeling jealous. Facebook makes me feel the rage and Twitter sometimes stresses me out.
Kat Brown @katbrown
Both. I get a lot from it (work, laughter, friends, contacts) but I know that my attention span has totally shifted. My focus is very often online. What’s about to happen? What COULD have happened? News and dopamine = argh.
Nigel Jay Cooper @nijay
There are times when it feels like being in a room full of people shouting at one another and not listening, so I have to step away from it . . . but there’s also the way it connects people, its supportive side and the sense of community. (1/2) I think the smartphone ‘always on’ part of the equation is the bigger thing for me. I have to create time when I put the phone down and focus on the real world around me instead of the virtual one. For me, managing that is the key to not being overwhelmed by social. (2/2)
How to be happy (2)
DON’T COMPARE YOUR actual self to a hypothetical self. Don’t drown in a sea of ‘what if’s. Don’t clutter your mind by imagining other versions of you, in parallel universes, where you made different decisions. The internet age encourages choice and comparison, but don’t do this to yourself. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy,’ said Theodore Roosevelt. You are you. The past is the past. The only way to make a better life is from inside the present. To focus on regret does nothing but turn that very present into another thing you will wish you did differently. Accept your own reality. Be human enough to make mistakes. Be human enough not to dread the future. Be human enough to be, well, enough. Accepting where you are in life makes it so much easier to be happy for other people without feeling terrible about yourself.
7
SHOCK OF THE NEWS
The multiplier effect
IT’S A NERVOUS planet with good reason. The world can be terrifying. Political polarisation, nationalism, the rise of actual Hitler-inspired Nazis, plutocratic elites, terrorism, climate change, governmental upheavals, racism, misogyny, the loss of privacy, ever-cleverer algorithms harvesting our personal data to gain our money or our votes, the rise of artificial intelligence and its implications, the renewed threat of nuclear war, human rights violations, the devastation of the planet. And it’s not just what happens. After all, the world has always had terrible things happening somewhere. The difference now is that – thanks to camera phones and breaking news and social media and our constant connection to the internet – we experience what is happening elsewhere in a more direct and visceral and intimate way than ever before. The experience is multiplied, and leaks out, from a thousand different angles.
Imagine, for instance, if there had been social media and camera phones during the Second World War. If people had seen, in full colour, on smartphones, the consequences of every bomb, or the reality of every concentration camp, or the bloodied and mutilated bodies of soldiers, then the collective psychological experience would have expanded the horror far beyond those who were experiencing it first-hand.
We would do well to remember that this feeling we have these days – that each year is worse than the one previously – is partly just that: a feeling. We are increasingly plugged in to the ongoing travesties and horrors of world news and so the effect is d
epressing. It’s a global sinking feeling. And the real worry is that all the increased fears we feel in themselves risk making the world worse.
If we see footage of a terrorist attack happening it becomes far easier to imagine another one happening, at any time, wherever we live. It doesn’t matter if, rationally, we know that we are far more likely to die from cancer or suicide or a traffic accident, the sensational terror we have seen on the news becomes the one that dominates our thoughts. And politicians exploit this, and ramp up the fears and create more division. Which leads to more instability and more opportunities for terrorists to do what they set out to do: cause terror. And then the politicians or political agitators ramp up the fear even higher.
It is like someone who is ill with a compulsive disorder continually underlining their fears – staying indoors, or washing their hands 200 times a day. They are actually doing more to hurt themselves, in the name of protecting themselves. But this time the disorder isn’t individual. It is social. It is global.
Shocks to the system
THE WORD ‘SHOCK’ crops up increasingly among political commentators on TV. You watch/read/scroll the news in the 21st century and it feels like a continual barrage of it. Of shock.
‘Oh crap, what now?’ That becomes the general reaction.
You click on your favourite news site in the morning and flinch.
Shock may be an unpleasant thing for an individual or a society to experience, but it can be a useful political tool. Ask anyone who has ever had a full-blown panic attack and they will tell you that it makes you think about nothing else but the fear. If you are shocked you are confused. You aren’t thinking straight. You become passive. You go where the people tell you to go.