by Onley James
Calder tilted his head. “Seems like a lot of responsibility at your age.”
Robby shrugged. “I know what it’s like to be invisible, for nobody to want you. I couldn’t stomach the thought of him living the rest of his life feeling unloved.”
Calder’s chest ached at the rawness of the boy’s words. The kid was just twenty-one years old and it was like he’d already decided he’d spend his life alone. How could somebody work in front of a camera and still feel so invisible? It seemed impossible, but Calder knew deep down Robby wasn’t fishing for compliments or even just feeling sorry for himself. He believed he was unworthy. It was crazy. Robby deserved everything he desired. He deserved to have somebody who would love him through his insecurities. Somebody who would let Robby adopt a thousand special needs dogs if that’s what he wanted. Calder was certain that man existed out there somewhere, but fuck if he didn’t wish it was him.
Robby lay in Calder’s bed, in Calder’s clothes, his face buried in pillows that smelled just like Calder, like oil paint and peppermint. It was torture. He’d taken the couch—had insisted on it. But Robby hadn’t wanted him out there. He wanted to sleep wrapped in Calder’s arms. He’d thought of nothing else for days. Instead, it was only Cas snuggled against him, his tiny body curled up on the pillow beside Robby’s head. Did Calder sleep on this side of the bed?
Robby flopped onto his back, earning a grumble from his dog. He was pathetic. It was no wonder Charlie and Wyatt wanted to chuck him into a volcano. At this point, he was starting to think his virginity was bulletproof. Even the manwhore didn’t want to fuck him. Maybe he hadn’t made it obvious enough? Was standing naked in front of him not obvious? Last time, Robby hadn’t had to do anything. Calder just took control. Why couldn’t he just do that now? Had one handjob been all Calder had needed to realize Robby was too inexperienced to satisfy him?
The thought settled in Robby’s belly like spoiled milk. He needed to take his mind off the gorgeous man in the other room, but each time he tried to shift his thoughts to something else, it was the open mouth of his attacker and the hot sticky blood on his skin, which led to thoughts of jail and sharing a toilet with other people…in front of other people. No. Just no. How had his life spun so far out of control in such a short time?
Robby couldn’t just lay there, crawling out of his skin. He was on his feet and moving before he could change his mind. Maybe he could find a way to be brave enough to just kiss Calder, to remind him that he liked to break the rules. Robby wanted to be worth breaking the rules for, just once.
Calder wasn’t sleeping. He was sitting on the sofa in red boxer briefs, eating dry cereal straight from the box and watching an old movie on tv. He glanced up and smiled when Robby entered the room, seeming genuinely happy to see him. It warmed his insides.
“I thought I put you to bed already, angel face?”
Robby shivered at Calder’s low drawl. He wanted to wrap that voice around him like a blanket.
“I can’t sleep,” he said, flopping down beside Calder without waiting for an invitation, acutely aware of their sides touching.
He was warm, and Robby fought the urge to lean in. Calder glanced over at him and grinned, tipping the box of cereal in his direction.
Robby’s heart fluttered at Calder’s perfect teeth, but he shook his head, declining the cereal. There was no way he could eat with his stomach in knots. “What are you watching?”
Calder cocked a brow at him. “Rear Window.”
Robby shrugged. “I’ve never seen it.”
Calder shook his head. “Shoot. An actor who’s never seen Rear Window? They should revoke your SAG card,” he teased.
Robby glanced at the screen where a man with two broken legs sat at his window in a wheelchair, gazing into the courtyard below.
He’d come out here to try to seduce Calder, but he could already feel himself losing his nerve. “Can I stay out here with you for a while?”
Calder’s expression softened. “You don’t have to ask.”
Robby chastised himself for the flush of heat that ran over him. It wasn’t a marriage proposal. Calder just said he could hang out on his sofa. Robby needed to calm down. He yanked the soft black blanket off the back of the couch and laid down, using Calder’s thigh for a pillow, praying he didn’t reject the overt demand for affection he was asking for from a virtual stranger. The muscle beneath his head tensed briefly before Calder’s large hand settled on his head. Robby shivered when fingers began to comb through his hair. It was nothing, hardly a seduction technique, but Robby’s cock hardened just the same. He was grateful for the blanket covering his lower half.
“Get some sleep. You’ve had a long night,” Calder said, his finger tracing the shell of Robby’s ear before returning to his hair.
“I don’t know if I can sleep. My brain won’t shut off,” Robby mumbled.
Calder turned the lamp off, plunging the room into shadow except for the large tv screen with its soft technicolor images and hushed tones. Within seconds, Robby’s thoughts grew hazy and his lids grew heavy. Calder’s touch was addicting, pulling Robby under the blanket of sleep in minutes.
He woke to find himself in Calder’s bed, his morning hard-on tenting his borrowed sweatpants. Had Calder carried him in there? Robby flushed at the idea of being bridal carried through the apartment by the large Texan. It was alarming how much he wanted it to be true.
He could hear Calder moving around out in the other room but was in no hurry to have another awkward encounter. He picked up his phone only to find a message from Wyatt and Charlie.
Wyatt: Well?
Charlie: Did you bone?
Robby sighed before tapping out his reply.
Robby: Wow, so romantic.
Three dots danced before Charlie’s response appeared.
Charlie: Romance, schmomance. First, you get in his pants, then you get in his heart. That’s how this works.
Wyatt: Charlie! Focus. Did you see the news, Robby?
His stomach plummeted into his feet.
Robby: No. Why?
Charlie: The media. They know.
The spoiled milk feeling was back.
Robby: Know what?
Wyatt: That you killed a guy and your dad is a cult leader.
Charlie: I definitely wouldn’t go back to your apartment.
Robby: My apartment is a crime scene.
Wyatt: All the more reason for you to stay at Calder’s.
Four devil faces followed.
Robby: Whatever you’re planning won’t work. He’s not interested.
Wyatt: False. He’s interested, but my idiot husband is cock-blocking you.
Robby: What? Why?
Wyatt: Revenge? Amusement? General fuckery? He told Calder if he fucks you, he’s fired.
Robby thought about the words. If he fucks him… For as much as Robby wanted to lose his virginity, he had never contemplated what that entailed. A picture of Calder on top of him, inside him, took root at Wyatt’s message, sinking its hooks into him and refusing to let go. He wanted Calder inside him, wanted it more than he could ever admit to anybody, including himself, because the likelihood was slim to none. He didn’t want to get Calder fired. He told them as much.
Wyatt: Linc isn’t going to fire Calder for getting laid. He’s just giving him a little payback.
Robby: Does Linc know you’re telling me all this?
Wyatt: Oh, God. No. I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.
Robby: Oh. So, why are you telling me this?
Charlie: Because he’s hoping Linc punishes him hard enough that he won’t be able to sit down for a week.
Robby sometimes felt like these two were speaking an entirely different language.
Robby: So Calder won’t sleep with me because Linc said he’ll get fired? But only if he fucks me…right? So it all depends on his definition of sex?
Charlie: Oh, I’m picking up what you’re putting down. You wanna pull a Clinton. That’s perfect. Get
him to do everything but the sexing, and eventually, he will throw it all away for that sweet ass of yours.
Robby: Why are you like this?
Charlie: Hard to say, really.
Wyatt: Ignore her. You’ve got this. Be brave. Be bold. Be flexible.
Charlie: Yeah. Go out there and suck a dick for the greater good.
Robby didn’t bother to answer, just tossed his phone aside and went to use the bathroom off of Calder’s bedroom. There were paint brushes in the sink and paint splotches on the shower wall. Robby smiled. He never would have pegged Calder as an artist, much less an amazing one. Though as messy as he was and as wild as he seemed, maybe it made perfect sense. He was definitely a free spirit.
Once Robby had answered nature’s call and splashed some water on his face, he brushed his teeth with the toothbrush Calder had found for him under the sink. Robby didn’t want to think too hard about why Calder kept new toothbrushes at the ready. He supposed he should just be grateful it was there.
His hair stood on end and nothing he did would get it to lay down so he left it as it was. He held the shirt he wore—Calder’s shirt—to his nose, inhaling deeply. It smelled like him. Robby shook his head, dropping it back into place, before venturing out of the bedroom.
Calder stood at the kitchen counter in the same red boxer briefs he’d slept in. How could anybody look that good just standing there? His ass was perfect. His everything was perfect. Calder glanced over at him and grinned. “Good, you’re up. I made breakfast.”
Calder held out his offering.
“A burrito?” Robby questioned then flushed bright red. Obviously, it was a burrito.
“A breakfast burrito,” Calder clarified.
Robby sniffed at it, and his stomach growled loudly. “Thank you.”
They ate leaning against the counter. Robby made it halfway through his breakfast before he said, “Wyatt and Charlie said the papers know about my dad…and the other thing,” he hedged.
Calder paused, the burrito halfway to his lips. “The other thing?”
“Yeah, the…dead guy in my apartment.”
“I’m surprised Jasmine didn’t call.” Calder’s eyes went wide as soon as he realized what he’d said.
Robby’s gaze flicked upward. “Jasmine? How do you know my publicist’s name?”
Calder’s gaze turned back to his burrito before he stuffed the whole thing in his mouth, mumbling something Robby couldn’t make out.
His heart sank. “Please don’t tell me you fucked my publicist too.”
Calder swallowed audibly. “Fucked…no.”
Robby’s stomach dropped. “Seriously? Is there anybody I know who you haven’t slept with? Other than me?”
Calder flashed him a grin. “I don’t know who you know, so it’s hard to say.”
Robby huffed a breath out through his nose and set his burrito down, walking into Calder’s space. “I know Linc told you not to fuck me.”
Calder seemed to choke on the air. “What?”
“Wyatt said that Linc told you that you aren’t allowed to fuck me. Is that true?” Calder blinked down at Robby who plopped his hands on his hips. “I can practically hear you thinking. Did he say that or not?” Calder nodded, looking at Robby with just enough surprise to embolden him. “Is that why you said we had to keep things professional?”
“Yes,” Calder confirmed, his voice low.
“Is that the only reason you want to keep things professional?” Once more, Calder seemed to short circuit. “Don’t think, just answer.”
“No.”
That one hurt. It was like he’d been kicked in the stomach. “Are you just not interested in me now that we’ve fooled around?”
“No, angel face. That’s not it at all,” Calder drawled.
Robby folded his arms across his chest as if that could protect him from the answer to his next question. “Then what is it?”
Calder’s lips twitched in an aborted smile. “You’re being awfully aggressive.”
“Because I’m tired of turning this over and over in my head. You don’t understand what it’s like up here. I can’t stop thinking about it, about you. You couldn’t keep your hands off me four days ago, but now, it’s like I have the plague. Is it because I didn’t do something right? Because you realized I’m a virgin? I’m a really quick study, you know.”
Calder made a noise that sounded like something between a grunt and a growl and pinned Robby against the counter, invading his space in a way that stole his breath. “You are killing me here, kid. I’m trying to be the bigger person. You deserve better than me.”
Robby sucked in a shaky breath, dropping his hands to his sides. “But I just want you.”
Calder leaned in until his lips almost touched Robby’s cheek. “You have no idea what you’re saying. This is a very bad idea. I’m not a good guy.”
“Then prove it,” Robby murmured. “Be the bad guy. Use me up. Teach me.”
“But Linc—”
“Linc said you can’t fuck me,” Robby reminded him. “There are a lot of other things we can do between nothing and everything…isn’t there?”
Calder’s lips dragged along Robby’s cheek. “What’d you have in mind, angel face?”
Robby froze. What did he have in mind? He hadn’t gotten that far.
Suddenly, Charlie’s words reverberated through his head. Suck a dick for the greater good. Robby gently shoved Calder back just enough to drop to his knees, his hands reaching for the band on Calder’s underwear. Could he feel Robby’s hands shaking?
Calder came to his senses the moment Robby went to his knees before him. It wasn’t that he didn’t love the sight. His rock hard cock was two seconds away from peaking above the band of his underwear with no help from Robby’s hands or his lips, but Calder would have to be blind to miss the terror in the boy’s body language. He wasn’t ready for this. He deserved better than this.
“Wait. Stop,” Calder said, cursing himself. He tugged Robby to his feet. His already flushed face grew splotchy as he blinked back unshed tears. Shit. Why was Calder always making him cry? “No. Don’t do that. Fuck. You’re breaking my heart here, angel. I’m not saying no to…something…but not kitchen blowjobs. Not yet. You gotta crawl before you can run, right?”
Robby blinked rapidly, his arms once more crossing his chest. Calder hated that he was always upsetting him. He was so…tenderhearted. Calder didn’t want Robby to lose that. He definitely didn’t want to be the reason he did. But he also wasn’t strong enough to say no. If Robby wanted Calder to teach him then he would but on Calder’s terms.
Calder took Robby’s hand and led him back into the bedroom. “Get on the bed,” he said, all traces of humor gone.
Robby all but fell backwards onto the mattress, scooting himself upwards until his head was on the pillows. Calder spread the boy’s legs, settling himself between them and bracketing his forearms on either side of his head.
“Is this crawling?” Robby whispered.
Calder brushed his lips over Robby’s. “This is kissing. Just kissing. With no expectation of anything more. So relax.”
Robby gave a hesitant nod before lifting his head to capture Calder’s mouth in a kiss that sent their teeth clacking together. Robby flushed, flopping back down. “I’m a disaster. I suck at this.”
Calder smiled at the disgruntled look on the boy’s face, which only deepened his pout.
“How about you just let me lead and stop thinking so hard?”
Robby slapped his hands over his face. “You have no idea what you’re asking of me. I don’t drive because I spend my life in fear of having to parallel park.”
Calder barked out a surprised laugh, causing Robby to peek out at him from behind his fingers. “Then let me drive, okay? No thinking necessary.”
Robby dropped his hands, his expression dubious, like he wasn’t quite sure he could take Calder at his word. He understood what it was like not to trust somebody, he even understood what it was l
ike to be afraid. “Or we could stop right here?”
Robby closed his eyes. “What if you’re disappointed? What if I do something wrong?”
“Not even possible. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad, it’s good. Besides, it’s just kissing. We’ve already done this already, remember? I do.”
Robby opened one eye as if once more gauging whether Calder told the truth, and again, he was struck by how truly adorable the boy was. If he’d ever needed more of a reason to get up and run that was it, that was the moment. Something about this kid tugged at something inside Calder, and it scared the shit out of him.
“Do you want to stop?” Calder asked.
Robby shook his head, cheeks pinking.
Calder moved slowly, feathering kisses over the boy’s cheeks, his chin, his nose, before tracing the seam of his lips with his tongue. He didn’t remember the last time he’d kissed somebody without intent, without it being a means to an end. He stroked his thumb along Robby’s jaw, coaxing the boy’s mouth open beneath his.
Time slipped away. Kissing Robby was easily Calder’s new favorite thing. He collected every whimper, every sigh, every moan. Each kiss lasted longer, grew needier and more frantic. They were both hard, but Calder was content to ignore that, focusing instead on exploring new territory—Robby’s throat, his jawline, the shell of his ear, cataloguing every single response, every noise, the way Robby’s blunt nails scraped over Calder’s skin whenever he bit at the boy’s lower lip or growled against his skin.