Joshua is not back. Kavanaugh said he saw him and he is well but not ready to come back.
We have fallen into the practice of gathering and supping together. Nellie has been feeling poorly and I have been cooking. The men give me what I need of their supplies to stretch the meal for all of us. While I cook, Nellie reads from her Bible and the men make what repairs need doing on the wagons. The children are too tired and cranky to get into much trouble.
Joshua killed two rattlesnakes before the oxen were even unyoked. Kavanaugh said they are good eating. I told him he could fry and eat them both with my good wishes. He did just that and Joshua joined him.
The oxen were too tired to be frightened by the snakes but Beth is in the wagon and will probably stay there until California. I may join her. The boys are bedded down under the wagon with James.
We had trout for supper. Binger caught enough for all of us.
Joshua is on guard tonight with Wells.
We passed more dead cattle today. We are using sage for fuel.
Kavanaugh said there is another company of wagons twelve or so miles ahead of us. I am glad to know there are others ahead and surviving.
Passed two dead oxen today.
The sand is deep and very heavy on our teams.
Wells got stuck and we had to use our oxen to pull him free. The grass is very poor but the water is plentiful. The skies are clouding up. I can hear the rumble of thunder in the distance.
It would be nice to have a break in the awful heat.
Our oxen scented water and went wild trying to get to it. We turned all but one and it drank from alkaline water. James and I doctored it. James held the animal while I poured grease down its throat. Beth is watching over it now and praying it will survive.
The milk cow has gone dry. We may have to use her to pull if we lose another ox. I expect we will because we have passed a dozen carcasses in the last four days.
We passed a grave today. Tobias Wentworth.
Binger lost another ox.
Nellie said we are wandering like the Israelites in the desert. The land is cruel and the heat unrelenting. We are pulling out with first light and stopping when the sun is high. We wait a couple of hours in whatever shade we can find and then go on until sunset. But even then the going is so hard I sometimes want to lay down and die and have done with it.
Maybe we are like the Israelites. God watched them die on the edge of the Promised Land.
The Humboldt has drained away into nothing. Kavanaugh just told us we got forty miles of desert ahead of us.
I do not think I can make it.
Stern Janssen’s wagon was so deep mired in sand he had to unharness the oxen and leave it. We pulled three oxen out but the other just laid down and died.
Nellie is so sick from the heat she is riding inside their wagon. Wells is afraid she is going to die.
If this desert does not kill us all, the mountains I see ahead surely will.
Chapter 18
Sierra swung the bat and felt the hard impact of the ball. Dropping the bat, she ran for first base.
“Go! Go!” the base coach said, urging her on.
“Run, Sierra! Run!” others shouted from the stands as she crossed second.
“Come on, Mom!” Clanton hollered, jumping up and down near third and waving her on. “Go for it! Go for it!”
She rounded third and headed for home. The second baseman caught the ball from the center fielder and was turning to zing it toward home plate. She knew she’d never make it before the ball did. “Oh, Lord, help!” she said. Clanton would never forgive her if she made the last out. Giving it everything she had, she charged ahead, dropping at the last second just as the catcher caught the ball. She plowed right into him, knocking him off his feet. The ball bounced off her helmet as he came down in a heap on top of her.
“Safe!” the umpire shouted amid exuberant laughter.
“That’s the way to do it!” Dennis was laughing as he ran over from his position as coach.
She and the catcher untangled themselves. “What do you think this is, Madrid? The World Series? Or professional wrestling, maybe?”
Rolling over, she made it to her hands and knees. “Sorry, Harry. You okay?”
“I will be in a minute,” he said, flopping over onto his back, arms and legs splayed.
“Don’t worry about Harry.” Dennis grinned, giving her a hand up. “He’s tougher than he looks. He just likes playing for sympathy.”
Harry raised his head off the ground and scowled. “You taught her to slide, didn’t you, O’Malley.”
“My father taught me,” Sierra informed him, laughing. She brushed herself off as her team surrounded her and began beating the dust off with their hats and pounding her back with congratulations.
Harry got up and pulled off his catcher’s mask. “I tell you, there ought to be a regulation against plowing your elders down like bowling pins.”
“Batter up!” the umpire shouted.
As Sierra headed for the bench with her teammates, she heard Carolyn calling her. “Mom! Mom!” Turning, she walked backward and waved. Her heart leaped as she saw Alex sitting in the grandstand next to Carolyn. Where had he come from?
The last inning of the game passed in a blur. She couldn’t pay attention. She hadn’t seen Alex in six months or talked to him in two. Her heart was hammering. Her palms were sweating.
Shame filled her. He couldn’t stop by the condominium, could he? No. Of course not. He had to come to a baseball game looking as if he’d stepped out of GQ and see her wearing faded Levi’s and covered in dirt and grass stains. No makeup. Her hair tumbling down. Dirt under her fingernails and in her teeth after sliding home. Perfect timing. She blew a strand of hair out of her eyes.
“You okay?” Dennis said, putting his hand over hers.
“Alex is here.”
“I wondered who that guy was sitting beside Carolyn.”
“Did you happen to notice when he arrived?”
“About two minutes before you went up to bat.”
“Great,” she muttered, thinking of how she must have looked plowing poor old Harry down at home plate.
Dennis glanced over at the stands. “Did Clanton know he was coming?”
“I didn’t know he was coming.” She took a deep breath, blowing it out through pursed lips, trying to slow her ricocheting pulse. “Kick me if I cry, Dennis. Kick me hard.”
“You cry and I’ll haul you off to the slammer.”
She laughed.
The team gathered in a circle and gave a cheer for the Lutherans they’d been playing. “We only lost by two runs,” Clanton said as Sierra put her arm around his shoulders. “We’ll get them—” She knew the instant he spotted his father. His whole body went rigid.
“It’s okay,” she said softly.
Alex was holding Carolyn’s hand as he walked toward them. He was looking straight at his son. He didn’t even spare a glance at her.
Sierra noticed he’d lost weight, but then, so had she over the past six months. Fifteen pounds, to be exact. Thankfully in all the right places.
“I’m going to help Dennis put the gear away,” Clanton said and started to turn away.
She gripped his shirtsleeve. “You will not.”
“I don’t have anything to say to him.”
“Then you’ll listen.”
Alex looked between them as he came closer. It was hard to miss the fact that she and her son were having a slight difference of opinion. He did look at her then, his eyes narrowed and suspicious. What did he think she was doing? When he stopped in front of them, his eyes flicked over her mussed hair, dusty T-shirt and pants, right down to her scuffed tennis shoes. Her face filled with heat. One side of his mouth tipped. “Good hit.”
“Thanks,” she managed, feeling dismissed.
Courtesy dispensed with, he looked at his son. “You played well out there, Son.” When Clanton didn’t say anything, she saw a muscle tighten in Alex’s cheek. But i
t wasn’t anger. It was hurt. He looked more vulnerable than she’d ever seen him.
God, please, don’t let Clanton say anything cruel. Please.
Clanton didn’t say anything. He just stood beside her, rigid and silent, her champion.
“What do you say I take you out for a hamburger?” Alex said.
Clanton uttered a soft laugh, glaring up at his father. “The team’s going out for pizza,” he said coldly and looked away.
“Why don’t you join us?” Sierra said impulsively.
Clanton shot a look at her that would have withered an oak. “He doesn’t play baseball,” Clanton said. He looked at Alex again. “He plays around with other women.”
Alex’s face went dark red.
Sierra didn’t know if he was embarrassed or ready to explode with rage.
“You’re such a jerk, Clanton!” Carolyn said, her mouth trembling.
“Shut up! What d’you know?”
“I know more than you do!” she said, her blue eyes filling with tears. “Elizabeth said—” She broke off, paling at the look on Clanton’s face.
“You little Judas!”
Sierra could feel the blood draining out of her face. Was that where Alex took their daughter on Saturdays? On excursions with his mistress?
Clanton took a step toward his sister. “Why don’t you move in with them, you little—”
“That’s enough, Clanton,” Alex said, steel in his voice. He barely spared a glance at Sierra, and she was glad of that. The last thing she wanted was for him to see how much it hurt to know Carolyn had been spending time with Elizabeth Longford. “You’d better learn to accept things as they are.”
“I don’t have to accept anything, least of all you. You’re a cheat and a liar, and I wish you and your girlfriend were dead!” He took off across the baseball field toward Dennis and the other members of the team.
“Mom?” Carolyn said, tears running down her cheeks.
“I’ll go after him,” she said quietly, eager to escape before she made a fool of herself or said something she’d regret. She headed toward her teammates, swallowing the hot tears that were choking her.
“Mom!” Carolyn cried out. She made to follow Sierra, but Alex was holding her hand. “Let go!” she said, sobbing, and pulled free of her father to run to Sierra. “Are you mad at me, Mom?” Tears ran down her cheeks. “Do you hate me?”
“No,” Sierra said, kneeling and pulling her close. She stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. “I just wish things were different, that’s all.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I only talked to her the one time. I—”
“Shhh . . . I love you very much, and nothing will ever change that.” She tipped her daughter’s chin and gave her a shaky smile. “You go have fun with your father while I talk to Clanton. I’ll see you later at home.” She kissed her.
“Clanton’s so mean.”
“No, honey. He’s hurt. People say awful things when they’re hurt.” Just as she had. Just as Alex had. Poor Clanton. What chance did he have of being any better than they’d been? “You tell your father how much you love him. He needs to hear that. Now, go on.”
“Sierra,” Alex called. “Wait a minute.” She recognized that tone and wished she could just keep walking. If not for what she’d just said to Carolyn, she’d run. She was reeling inside, her stomach quivering, her eyes hot with tears. She didn’t need a lecture from Alex about what a lousy mother she was or what a lousy wife she’d been.
He looked at her, and she saw something flicker in his eyes. “Where’s the team going? We’ll meet you there.”
No respite for the wicked. Not even privacy to have a good, long cry. “Three blocks down in the shopping center,” she said, forcing herself to speak evenly. “I’ll do what I can, Alex, but I can’t promise . . .” She shook her head and turned away, resigning herself to a painful evening.
Dennis did some long, hard talking to Clanton before they reached the pizza parlor. He knew how Clanton felt; his own father had left his family when he was in his teens.
“I saw him once after he left and told him I hated him. I never saw him again. He died when I was twenty-three.”
Sierra saw how much that confession cost Dennis, as well as the impact it had on Clanton.
“He hurt my mother,” Clanton said. “Every time he calls, he hurts her.”
Sierra blinked back tears. “I hurt him, too, Clanton.”
“Not like he did.” Clanton struggled to contain his emotions, torn between love and loyalty to her and love for his father.
Dennis put his hand on Clanton’s shoulder. “Your father’s hurting himself most of all. He’s cut off from you and your sister. Do you remember what we were talking about the other night at youth group? Everyone sins. No one is perfect. And no sin is greater than any other. When you believe in Jesus, you confess and repent, and He cleanses you. He puts you on the right track. What happens when you don’t have that sustaining faith? You’re cut off from love itself.”
“He’s not repentant,” Clanton said.
“Are you?”
Clanton fought to hold his tears back. “He’s still living with her!”
“And you’re still hanging on to your anger against him. You just wished him dead.”
Clanton hunched over and cried, muttering incoherent words. Dennis cupped the boy’s head and pulled him against his chest. “Give it to the Lord, Clanton. Don’t make the same mistake I did. It still haunts me.” He looked at Sierra, and she saw the tears in his eyes. She also knew her son needed time alone with this man of God.
“I’ll see you inside,” she said, touching her son and then getting out of the van. She knew Clanton would open up more if she weren’t present.
She spotted Alex as soon as she entered the pizza parlor; her instinctive homing device still worked. She could sense his presence anywhere. He was sitting with Carolyn in a booth back in the corner. She wanted to pretend she hadn’t seen them and walk over to the others. The last thing she wanted to do was speak to Alex or think about Carolyn building a relationship with a future stepmother.
Alex was staring at her, and she knew she’d only gain his further ire if she left him to wonder where Clanton was.
Someone called her name. She glanced toward them, forced a smile, and waved. “Be there in a minute.” First things first. She had to set Alex’s mind at rest. She walked over to the table and smiled at Carolyn. “Did you order pizza yet?”
“Pepperoni!” She grinned and took a sip of her soda.
Sierra looked at Alex. “Dennis is talking with him. They’ll be in soon.” His eyes met hers, and she felt his pain. What a tangled mess they’d made of their lives—and dragged their children right into the quagmire with them. “If it doesn’t happen tonight, Alex, we’ll keep trying. All right? Don’t give up on him. Please.”
Again, that look she couldn’t decipher. “I won’t,” he said bleakly.
Smiling tremulously, she left their table and joined the others.
When Clanton came in, Carolyn left the booth so her father could talk to him alone. She came straight to Sierra. “Daddy said he’ll take us to the movies and then to dinner.” She kept up a stream of chatter about her father while Sierra watched Dennis and Clanton sit down in the booth with Alex.
Dennis smiled and talked for a few minutes, undoubtedly trying to put his companions more at ease. Alex responded. She saw him smile. Odd how that hurt. When Dennis left them alone, Alex looked across at his son and started talking. He talked for a long time. Clanton just sat staring at Carolyn’s empty soda glass. After a while, Alex didn’t say anything more. He just sat looking at his son, grief and regret etched in the new lines around his eyes. He said a few more words. Clanton got up and left the booth. Alex raked a hand back through his hair and looked away.
For the first time since he’d left her, Sierra felt compassion for her husband.
Carolyn left with her father. Clanton spent most of the evening ta
lking with Dennis. Noreen came and sat with Sierra. “Children see things in black and white,” Noreen said. “Right and wrong. Good and evil. They’re so sensitive to those things. The older we are, the more shades of gray we see.”
“I don’t know what to do. So much of this is my fault. He wants a divorce.”
Noreen put her hand over hers. “Are you still in love with him?”
Sierra gave a mirthless laugh. “I’ve been in love with Alex for as long as I can remember, and I’ll probably love him until I die. But that doesn’t change anything, does it? He said he’s sick of me and in love with someone else. He’s done everything possible to get me to agree to a divorce. In the beginning, I think I refused because I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. Then it was pure cussed stubbornness. But now? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.”
Noreen squeezed her hand. “I don’t know if this will help you or not, but my parents fought all the time when I was growing up. I used to cry myself to sleep hearing them scream at each other. They said they were staying together for us, my brother and me. I used to wish they’d get a divorce.”
“Did they?”
“No. Never. They’re still together and they’re still fighting. They have other excuses now, and they still embarrass anyone who comes within ten feet of them. I don’t go home very often.”
Sierra remembered the fights she’d had with Alex. They hadn’t screamed at one another, but the cold war had gone on for months at a time. At what cost to their children? She’d been so caught up in her own pain, she’d been blind to theirs. And Alex’s.
Audra’s words came back again, haunting her. “Three years I’ve watched you wallow in self-pity and keep up your temper tantrum. And it’s been something to watch, Sierra. A real show!”
Sierra closed her eyes. God, forgive me. She was right. I behaved so badly, Lord. What can I do to make things right again? How can I make amends?
And the answer came, bringing with it a wave of pain.
Let him go.
Clanton said he had a stomachache, and they went home early. While he took a long, hot bath, she sat in the living room, praying. She knew what she had to do. When she tucked Clanton into bed, she stroked the black hair back from his forehead. “I love you so much, and I’m sorry I’ve made a mess of things.”
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