by Karen Renee
Cecilia
My eyes were pointed to my plate of food. The french toast looked fantastic and the bite I had tasted even better, but my appetite had left. Except, I forced down a rasher of bacon because, well, bacon. Everyone else was seated at the huge round kitchen table eating food. Everyone but Brock, of course. I shoved a glob of scrambled eggs across my plate and heard a dish clatter in the sink. When I looked up, I saw Brock at the sink.
He moved to the table, his eyes steady on me. “When you’re dressed, I’ll drive you home.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but Marnie whispered, “Brock, dear.”
In a small voice, I said, “Well, I thought you wanted to surf, and that the waves were better in the mornings.”
His eyes moved above my head for a beat, then back to me. “The beach will always be there. Can you be ready or not?”
“I thought you wanted to hit the beach, Cecilia?” Rainey put in gently.
I pointed my wan smile her way. “He’s right, Rainey. The beach will always be there.”
“Let her hit the beach, man,” Gabe advised, and I could’ve been pushed down with a feather. He continued. “Besides, you have to go back tomorrow any damn way. What’s another night?”
I looked from Gabe to Brock, and my heart plummeted. Those were not the words to say to him.
“What’s another night, little bro? I don’t need her around another fuckin’ night where I gotta worry if she’s gonna do what she mentioned last night when she couldn’t fuckin’ sleep. Slink around this damn house searchin’ for pills to wash down with booze like the addict she is. That’s what another night will be.”
Brock’s angry glare hit me like a punch in the face. “I brought you out here, I’ll take you home. In the mean fuckin’ time, I’ll take you to the beach this morning. You got fifteen minutes to get ready.”
His words tore through me in the worst way. Any of them would’ve gutted me, but to tell all of his family about my cravings in that way was ten times worse because I was incredibly ashamed. I couldn’t even raise my eyes to meet their gazes although I could feel the eyes on me. Either I had great peripheral vision or my guardian angel was helping me out just then, but I managed to take my plate to the trash can, clear it and put it in the sink.
Rainey was standing near me when I was done, and she put her hand on my shoulder. I gently shrugged her off, and fled to the half bathroom where I could bawl my eyes out in peace.
SITTING ON THE BEACH towel, having just finished the sandwich Rainey had brought me, I stared at the waves. She and Vamp showed up half an hour after Brock dropped me off. I didn’t know if they showed up to keep me company out of sympathy or what, but I didn’t dare question it either. In some ways it surprised me they found me, but seeing as Brock had dropped me at the same parking lot I was at yesterday, it was likely their favorite access point.
Thinking about that reminded me of how Brock had dropped me off. As soon as I shut the door to his car, he shot out of the parking lot, presumably to find somewhere else to surf since his board was strapped to the roof. We exchanged no words, and the silence was oppressive. It seemed I couldn’t make the right decision no matter what I did.
“We’re walking back, Cecilia,” Rainey said.
She walked to the other side of me so when she picked up her beach towel, the sand didn’t fly in my face. Vamp opened the cooler and handed me the last water.
I looked up at him. “Thanks. Have a nice afternoon. And if I don’t see the two of you before–”
“Save it,” Rainey interrupted. She speared me with a look before she slid on her shades. “We’re going to see you before you leave. Brock-a-lock takes you back without letting you rinse off the sand, I’ll personally kick his ass.”
I nodded. “Okay, well. Later.”
After they left, I wandered to a trashcan with my garbage. As I neared my towel again, I noticed a surfer coming out of the water. I sat down and wondered what Brock would look like when he surfed. Considering everything that man did was sexy as fuck, I had no doubt watching him surf would be all kinds of hot. The man moved closer and I saw his dark hair mussed on his head and an enticing smattering of stubble across his chin and cheeks. His torso defined the term ‘well-defined.’ He had a six-pack, but it wasn’t in-your-face, which made it that much more appealing. The surf board he held under his arm forced his bicep and forearm to bulge and I felt my mouth water. It was when I noticed the blue board shorts hanging deliciously around his hips, I realized Brock was walking toward me.
Shit!
I pulled my legs up to my chest, and looked to the other side of the beach. There were some families setting up canopies and struggling against the sea breeze. A shadow passed over me and I knew Brock had fully approached.
“You need to eat,” he muttered.
I looked up at him. “Vamp and Rainey were just here. They brought sandwiches.” I held up the water. “They left me a water, if you want or need it.”
His head tilted. “No thanks. Got a cooler in the car. Was gonna bring you a sandwich, but guess I don’t need to. You ready to go back, yet?”
I shook my head. It had been years since I was last at the beach, and based on my upcoming schedule, it was hard to say when I’d be at a beach again. So, I was determined to soak up some sun and enjoy the hell out of the time I had.
“Not unless you need me to,” I muttered.
He shoved his board in the sand near me, and it provided some shade. He moved off and I called, “Where are you going?”
He stopped and turned back. “The car for my cooler.”
“I thought you drove off somewhere else?”
He lifted his chin. “I did, but I came back here anyway. Snuck right by you when you were laying there. Surprised I missed Vamp and Rainey.”
I was too, it meant he’d hit the sand five or ten minutes after I settled myself. Strange that he would do that, but no way was I going to let that knowledge turn into hopefulness.
Probably a couple of hours later, Brock collected me from the towel where I was lounging. He drove us back to the house, but again, once I was out of the car, he reversed out the moment the door closed. There was no mistaking that whatever we had was no more. The pain flared at that thought, but I would not cry about it. I would not.
When I was showered and dressed, I heard boisterous conversation coming from the kitchen. Marnie offered me tea when I got there, but I declined. Opening the refrigerator, I pulled out a 7-Up can and cracked it open.
“Tell me you didn’t grab one of those imitation ginger-ales Warren bought, Cecilia,” Rainey called from the table.
I shook my head at her and raised my can for her to see.
“Well, good.”
“My dear, it is not imitation ginger-ale. It is first-rate ginger-ale from Michigan.”
Rainey threw her head back and cackled. “Warren, nothing would improve that stuff. Not even the finest bourbon. I thought I had never met a ginger-ale I didn’t like, but with that stuff, I found I was wrong.”
Gabe sauntered my way shaking his head. “She is on a tear. You enjoy the beach?” he asked.
I lifted my chin. “I guess. Why are you being nice to me? I thought you blamed me for your mom and stuff.”
He moved past me to the pantry. Grabbing a bag of chips, he turned back to me and muttered, “Brock forced me to see the error of my ways before we showed up here. As for your former profession, well, it’s not on me to judge where that’s concerned.”
I arched an eyebrow.
He shrugged. “I know. I judged you before, but I can see where it would be hard to share with someone what you used to do. As long as you’re actually clean and safe, and you haven’t harmed my brother, then I’ve decided to give you a fair shake.”
I felt my eyes grow wide for a moment as the surprise of that hit me. In a low voice, I said, “Well, thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” he muttered, then jerked his head toward the table. “C’mon. We’re play
ing Thirty-one Knock. There’s always room for one more. You’ll love it.”
BY THE TIME MARNIE pushed away from the table, I was down to a single quarter while Rainey, Vamp, Gabe, and Warren were all on probation. Marnie slid behind Warren’s chair when he reached back to grab her waist.
“We’ll order in tonight, sweetie,” he murmured, while looking up at her standing behind him.
She widened her eyes. “Warren, we did a huge food shop knowing all three boys and two women were coming with them. We need to grill the steaks. Besides, they’ve been marinating since two.”
Warren sighed, but looked over my shoulder.
Then Brock’s voice said, “I can grill the steaks, Marn. I’ll shower after we eat.”
I did a long, slow blink so I wouldn’t turn around to see Brock. The long blink also served to keep me from looking at the people around the table. Playing cards was the best because it never failed to instill an instant sense of camaraderie, and being a stupid fool, I’d let that all permeate. It was the best two hours I had had in a very long time, and I couldn’t bear for these people to see the devastation in my eyes. And I knew it was there, because I didn’t know how to hide my pain, since I had never felt heartache as strong as this.
When I opened my eyes, Rainey and Warren were watching me. Rainey smiled a gentle grin at me and I returned it while exhaling to keep the tears at bay. To my surprise, Warren was not smiling kindly at me. His facial expression was neutral until he caught my eye, and then it turned disappointed and he shook his head.
Well, as the Twelve Steps told me, I had to accept what I could not change; and I couldn’t change what Warren was feeling. I also couldn’t change the fact Brock would be making my steak. I would make it through this, and within twelve hours or less, I would probably be back at home.
Brock and his people had seen me at my worst far too much the past couple of days. Hell if I was going to let them see me get more emotional in the time remaining.
IN THE MORNING, I AWOKE a little after six. I snagged my bag and took a shower before everyone else woke up. When I was dressed, I pulled my hair into a high ponytail, slipped on my shoes and took my bag and purse down to the front door. I had no idea if Brock was going to wake up in a foul mood similar to yesterday, but no way would I poke that bear.
Marnie, Warren, Vamp, and even Gabe had offered to drive me back so Brock wouldn’t have to do it. He resolutely declined each offer. That I did not get. The past day-and-a-half proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Brock had no desire to spend time with me, sharing his bed notwithstanding, though that was sleeping so it didn’t count. Why he was bound and determined to drive me over an hour back to my place befuddled me.
What I knew was that it was going to be damned uncomfortable, but compared to the past thirty-six hours, I didn’t think it could be any worse.
While I was settling my stuff by the front door, Rainey approached holding out a business card to me. “Here. This is my card, but my cell is on it and I wrote my personal email on the back. I know we didn’t spend that much time together, but you can reach out to me if you want. I, um,” she paused tilting her head back and forth. “Know a thing or two about thinking a Sullivan man doesn’t seem to want you.”
She let that trail off and I tilted my head a little in confusion, but then she whispered, “When the reality is he really does want you.”
I straightened and smiled. “Thanks, but he doesn’t want me, at all. But, you’re a cool chick, so I’ll definitely give you a call or shoot you an email. Thanks, Rainey. You totally could’ve kept to yourself and been well within your rights to do it, but spending time with me was really awesome of you.”
She playfully shoved my shoulder. “Shut up. We girls have to stick together.”
Brock appeared at the foot of the stairs, and grumbled, “Lorraine. Good to see you as always.”
She turned and gave him a big hug. “You too, ya big lug!”
Gabe hurried down the stairs carrying a bag that I realized was Brock’s and set it near my feet. He reached a hand out to me. “Cecilia. Great to have you the past few days.”
I took his hand expecting a hand shake, but I found my body yanked to his and Gabe engulfed me in a bear hug. And to think I’d thought he was pulling Rainey’s leg with the “patented bear hug” remark. If it wasn’t patented, he should file the forms, it was that good. I heard a loud sigh, and Gabe let me go.
“Um, thanks, Gabe. Take care,” I muttered as he walked away.
AS WE VEERED ONTO I-4, I fought against making small talk. I leaned my head back and tried to doze. After what seemed like twenty minutes, I sat forward, giving up on sleep.
Brock had a CD playing, oblivious to my presence. Congestion outside Sanford forced him to slow down and he sighed. My hand itched to reach out to him, but I knew that wasn’t a good idea.
When the congestion became stand-still traffic, he pulled out his phone, unlocked it, and handed it to me. “Check Waze for me. If this isn’t gonna clear up any time soon, figure out some back roads.”
I tapped the app and waited on it to load. “Even if they’re toll roads?”
He shot me a look which said it all. Getting me the hell out of his car couldn’t happen quickly enough.
Every time I thought I knew how badly my heart was broken, a look like that proved it was worse. The pain of being alone would forever beat the pain he inflicted with single glare.
Looking at the map, I muttered, “This shows we should get through the congestion after five miles and it’ll take another forty-five minutes to my place. Another slow-down in downtown, but that’s–” He snatched the phone from me. I finished my thought, whispering, “normal for downtown.”
We sat in silence the rest of the way. Uncomfortable silence for me, but for all I knew it was easy silence for Brock.
At the exit for my neighborhood, I barely hid my startled jolt when Brock spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
My breath left me. After a moment, I forced out, “I thought you heard–”
“Just tell me why you kept that shit secret!”
“Because I’m an idiot, okay?” I blurted.
He growled, and then said, “That isn’t it.”
“It kinda is, but mainly I was scared and being selfish.”
I almost missed his low scoff. “You were scared? Of what? The selfish, I get.”
“Yes, I was scared because I didn’t want you to think badly of me.”
“You did a bang-up job with that,” he muttered.
I wanted to tell him he was making this harder, but I didn’t deserve for him to go easy on me.
“I knew you’d push me aside or take me back to the club. And you said it yourself. We owed it to each other–”
“Don’t fuckin’ remind me,” he bit out.
Luckily, we had reached my place. I grabbed my duffel and said, “Thank you for driving me, Brock. I’m sorry. So, so sorry. Take care of yourself, honey.”
I closed the door and scurried up to my apartment pretending I didn’t hear the tires squeal when his car peeled out of the lot.
TWO WEEKS HAD DRAGGED by since Brock left me at my doorstep. My phone rang, the display indicating my sister was calling. She knew about Brock, but she didn’t know he was the same Brock who’d taken her out for coffee last year. I had left our communications about him to strictly texts, and since things imploded as they did, I didn’t see the point in actually talking to her about him. Problem was, I hadn’t even texted her about how Brock came to know my history.
Every instinct in me said she knew who he was and what had happened. I didn’t suspect Vamp would say anything to Razor, but my hunch was that Rainey might have run into Tennille by now.
I shook my head as words from Lisa rang in my ear. Don’t procrastinate. Face the shit of life head on, Cecilia.
“Hi, Neil,” I answered.
“Gee, don’t sound so happy to hear from me, sis.”
A long deep breath didn’t help my t
emper, but it did keep my voice neutral. “I’m sorry. How are you, Neil?”
She sighed. “I’m sorry, too. And to answer your question, I’d be better if you’d have told me about the epic blow-up you suffered a couple weeks ago.”
Tension built in my shoulders. “Tennille, I know you want us to be chummy like we were before I drove my life into the shitter, but–”
“You didn’t drive your life–”
“Not many women our age have turning tricks as part of their past job performance. I put myself there. I know that, I own it. And, I got through the mini-vacation from hell without falling off the wagon. Speaking of that, how did you find out, anyway?”
Her silence stretched, and I filled it.
“My hunch is that it was Rainey because Vamp doesn’t strike me as the type to gab about his brothers. Though, I don’t know, I suppose he could’ve let it slip to Razor. But I would’ve expected this call much sooner if that had happened.”
“Well, aren’t you a regular Sherlock? Rainey hinted at it a week ago, and I was waiting for you to call.”
I lifted my chin reflexively. “And how was that gonna go? I mean, he took you out for coffee with the hopes that you two would hit it off.”
“We didn’t.”
“I know that, but still, it rankled a little and it would have been really uncomfortable.”
“No, it wouldn’t–”
“For me, Tennille,” I snapped.
This was where things always broke down. My dear sister could never see how things impacted me. If she wasn’t uncomfortable with something, then how on earth could I be uncomfortable with it? This was far from the first time it had happened, and I knew it would not be the last. It was also why I tended to lose my temper when talking to her.
She sighed. “Okay, fine. I can see that. But how are you doing now? Have you spoken to him?”
My chuckle held no mirth. “Uh, no, Neily. Know that would be a bad idea. Everything that needed to be said between us was said in the end. It hurts for many reasons, not the least of which was the promise of something normal. Something decent.”