My head starts to spin.
“Carmen would kill them. Everyone knows that. She’s never been meaner than when Ella ditched her for Sarah Chang.”
Ditched her for Sarah Chang? It takes everything in me to stop myself from gasping.
“In Ella’s defense, I don’t blame her,” Katie says. “Carmen’s so controlling. Who Ella is friends with. Who Ella dates. I mean, it still blows my mind that Ella broke up with Pete for that guy, but that’s beside the point.”
My head is spinning. I broke up with Pete for someone else? Is this who Sydney thought I was in love with? But if I was in love with someone, why would they have just disappeared after the accident? Why is everyone hiding him from me?
“But Carmen better chill. She’s obviously still racked with guilt for what she did last year. Why else is she shipping them so hard?”
“I don’t know why she hasn’t just told Ella yet. Carmen should just say the truth—‘you and Pete were broken up and the five minutes behind the flower wall wasn’t worth losing my friendship with you but I messed up.’ ”
“Do you think Ella would forgive her?”
“Probably. You know she’s kind of a pushover with Carmen.”
With that last remark, I can no longer bite my tongue. I swing open the stall door. Behind Jess and Katie, I see my reflection staring back at me in the mirror. There’s a look of determination on my face. I’m ready to demand answers.
“Who did I break up with Pete for?” I ask. I don’t even care that Carmen kissed Pete at this point, now that I know there’s something even bigger they’re keeping from me. My voice sounds angry because I am. All this time my friends knew things that I didn’t and they chose to keep them hidden from me. So much for always having each other’s backs. Both Katie’s and Jess’s mouths drop like they’ve seen a ghost. “Tell me,” I say, raising my voice this time.
They’re silent. I stare at them, waiting for them to say something—anything—when the bathroom door whishes open. It’s Carmen, of all people. She widens her eyes at me, but then she looks at Jess and Katie, who still look like deer caught in headlights.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing,” I answer for them. “They were just about to tell me why I broke up with Pete last year.”
She whips her head at them and that’s all I need to know. She knew too.
“Oh, and this was after they already said that you made out with Pete.”
Her cheeks flame in a way I haven’t seen before, even brighter than her dress. She’s completely guilty.
“You three disgust me,” I say, my voice seething. “All this time you watched me struggle with losing my memories and you decide to keep them from me. For what? So you can keep this fake image going that we’re best friends? Because you care so much what other people think? What about me?”
“Calm down,” Carmen says, grabbing my arms. “Let me explain.”
I rip myself away from her.
“Explain what? Explain that you’re a terrible friend?” Then I say the one thing that I know will hurt her the most. “No wonder I ditched you for Sarah Chang.”
She looks at me angrily, like she wants to slap me. But the damage is done. It feels like the one thread holding our best friend bracelet together has snapped. “Do you know how good a friend I’ve been to you this whole year? Poor me. I was in an accident and I can’t remember it. Do you know how annoying that’s been? I mean, really. Who knew you’d have a pity party for yourself that long? Meanwhile, we knew that accident was the best thing that ever happened to you. Before it happened, you were throwing everything good out of your life. Pete. Me. But please tell me how bad a friend I am again. There won’t be another accident for you to get a third chance.”
I stare at her in disbelief. It feels like the pieces of our friendship are scattered on the floor and I can’t pick them up to put it back together. Or admit it that if I try to put it back together, it’s only going to break again.
“I don’t want another chance,” I finally say. “I want to remember walking away from you.”
I storm out of the bathroom, wiping my eyes. Ashley’s at the edge of the dance floor with Steve because some pop song is on. She smiles when she sees me and waves me over. It’s only as I get closer and she can see the anger on my face that her smile fades.
“What’s wrong?” she asks.
I want to tell her everything. I want to ask her what she knew too. But I’m so angry I can’t bear to be mad at her too.
“Give me your keys,” I say.
She grabs my shoulders. “You’re going to drive? Are you feeling okay?” she asks.
All I do is nod.
“Where are you going?” she asks, reaching into her silver clutch. She pulls out her keys and I grab them before she changes her mind.
“Tell Mom I’m sleeping at Katie’s or something.”
At this moment it feels like I’m never going to talk to her again, but my mom doesn’t know that.
“Where are you actually going?” Ashley asks, but I don’t even know the answer to that. All I know is I need to get away—away from everyone who has been lying to me.
I storm out of the dance like I stormed out of the bathroom, only stopping at the flower wall to interrupt Sarah Chang, who is getting her picture taken.
The photographer looks at me, annoyed. “Can’t you see there’s a line?” he asks, gesturing toward the one wrapping outside.
“One second,” I snap back.
Sarah’s eyes are wide when I turn back. “Are you okay?” she asks. I wonder if she can see the tears that are still floating in my eyes.
“I just want to say I don’t remember, but I found out we were friends. I don’t know why you didn’t want to tell me. You know what? It’s okay. We should talk. Just not now. I’m heading out. Enjoy the dance,” I say, leaving her with her mouth wide open as the photographer takes her photo.
* * *
Before I know it, I’m out in the parking lot, searching for the car, my heels clacking loudly on the pavement. It’s freezing, and of course I’m coatless because I didn’t want to worry about it at the dance, so I’m walking around the empty parking lot with my arms and legs exposed to the cold air. I feel little goose bumps on my skin, fully raised. They only rise higher when I reach my car because there’s a voice behind me.
“Ella, please don’t leave me.”
I know it’s Carmen before I spin around. Once I do, she continues.
“Can we please just talk about this?”
“Talk about what, Carmen? How you made out with my ex-boyfriend? Or worse, how you’ve been lying to me about everything for a full year?”
Just when I think I can’t be any madder at her, she reaches into her clutch and pulls out a paper heart. My mouth drops.
“I’ve been thinking a lot since our fight….I was planning on giving this to you tonight.”
“How long have you had that?” I ask. It’s my tenth paper heart. I’ve been so close to the end and she’s been keeping it from me, just like she’s kept everything else.
“Since Tuesday when I found it in your lock—”
“So you stole from me too? Great. How am I supposed to ever trust you again, Carmen?”
She looks down at her heels. “I don’t know.”
All I can do is shake my head. Here she is again, playing the victim. I find the right key on the key chain and start opening the door.
“Wait, Ellie. Please. You’re right. I’ve been a bad friend. I should’ve told you about Pete, but I…I was so hurt that you were becoming better friends with Sarah than me. It felt like you just left me…and I was crushed. The kiss didn’t mean anything. I felt so guilty, but that’s why me and Pete agreed not to tell you.”
I blink. That must be why Pete didn’t want to get back
together with me last year. He felt guilty too.
“I always thought that you and Pete should be together, so I just wanted to forget about it,” Carmen continues. Then she lets out a sigh. “I just thought I’d never get you back if you knew.”
There’s a look in her eyes I’ve never seen before but I’m so mad at her, I don’t care what it is and turn away. How am I ever supposed to forgive her for what she has done? She’s apologizing a year too late.
I open the door and slide in. Before I can shut the door, she comes up next to me.
“It’s the Catskills.”
I look up at her pleading eyes.
“What?”
“The clue on your paper heart. It’s your Catskills house—I’ve been thinking about it all week.”
I nod but can’t bring myself to thank her now. Maybe not ever.
I shut the car door and start the engine. I’m not thinking about the fact that I haven’t been able to drive for a year, or that each time I’ve tried I feel like I’m back in the hospital again, gasping for air. All I know is I need to get away, so that’s what I do, not even looking at Carmen in the rearview mirror.
* * *
They say driving is like riding a bike. I never believed it until I was behind the wheel, driving by muscle memory.
Before I know it, I’m parked outside the library on another Friday night.
I strap my heels back on before getting out of the car. When I do, Andy sees me through the window. In seconds he rushes outside and soon his hands are on my face as he looks at the car, then back at me.
“Is everything okay? Did you drive here yourself? Why did you leave the dance?”
I hug him, and as I bury my face in his chest, I can feel his heart racing. But the smell of his cologne calms me.
“I’m fine,” I say. “Well, sort of. Can I tell you in the car? We have a long trip ahead of us.”
“Trip?” he asks, pulling back to see my face.
I nod. “I need to find my last paper heart.”
“Tonight? What about your dance?”
“I can’t wait any longer,” I say.
This time Andy nods before wrapping his arms around me, his heart still beating fast.
Chapter 22
I’ve never gone to my family’s mountain house with a boy before.
We mainly go in the winter as a family. My parents, Ashley, and I like to go skiing. I’ve always preferred the time we spend together post skiing—sitting by the fire with hot chocolate in hand or relaxing in the hot tub outside. In the summers we make use of our second home too. There’s plenty of hiking around the Catskills. Ashley and I have gone to a few concerts at Woodstock. Two summers ago, I was able to invite my friends. Carmen, Jess, and I wore matching jean shorts and neon T-shirts that had Sunshine & Song lyrics printed on them. There’s a framed picture in my bedroom from the concert where Carmen’s on top of my shoulders. But I push this thought out of my head. I can’t even think about her right now.
Once she’s no longer in sight, I open the paper heart she had stolen from me. It says, The key to second chances is where your heart is. She was right about the Catskills, but what she didn’t know about was the bronze key I’ve kept on my lanyard. I had a feeling “the key” meant I was finally going to figure out what it opened.
I’m quiet for the majority of the car ride. Andy volunteers to drive but I insist on being the one behind the wheel. For some reason, it feels like this is something that I have to do.
So I drive for an hour and a half to the mountain house, trying to think about anything besides my traitor best friends. Each one of them calls. Every time the phone rings, the music from my phone stops playing and my ringtone blasts into the car. My phone’s on the console so I can follow the GPS as I’m driving. The fourth call is from Katie. As the phone rings, I ignore it like I’ve ignored the others, but I can feel Andy staring at me.
“Are you going to get that?” he asks.
“No.”
“So are you going to tell me what happened? Is this trip because my spontaneity is rubbing off on you, or does this spur-of-the-moment getaway have something to do with”—he pauses, reading the name on my phone—“Katie?”
“Both,” I answer honestly, keeping my eyes on the road. “And I’ll tell you. Just not tonight.”
“Okay, I can wait for the drama. Until then I’ll pretend you just wanted to whisk me away instead of having other boys asking you to dance all night.”
“Sounding jealous over there. But for your information, no boys asked me to dance.”
“Maybe because you left after ten minutes. But have you seen yourself tonight? I meant what I said. You look beautiful.”
“Oh, in this old thing?” I laugh. I’m still in my dress, while Andy’s in regular pants and a T-shirt. “Well, I’ll be changing into my bathing suit once we get there.”
“Um. Ella. I know you’re having a crisis of some sort with your friends, but you do realize it’s the dead of winter.”
I laugh. “There’s a hot tub.”
“Hot tub!” he yells. “I can get used to this new and spontaneous Ella.”
“Me too,” I say as my cheeks turn warm, and not just from the heat blasting.
* * *
When we get to the house, the last thing I’m thinking about is the next paper heart. It’s ironic, considering that’s all I’ve been thinking about for the last few weeks. That’s why I’m here to begin with.
But being alone with Andy—really alone—has made me focus solely on him. Maybe it’s because the second we park in the driveway Andy hops out of the car and opens my door for me. Before he walks me to the house, he twirls me once under the moon and whispers in my ear that it’s because I deserve at least one spin tonight when I look this good. Then he dips me like he did for our first kiss. When he does, all the tension built up from the car ride releases. It’s like he sucks all the negative out of me. Here I am at my favorite place with my favorite person, and the funny part is that I didn’t plan this—but here we are.
Andy takes my hand and we walk to the door. This feeling of safety mixed with excitement bursts inside me. It makes me walk faster, and soon I’m at the door, trying to let us in. I fiddle with my keys, thumbing the mystery bronze key, before finding one to the house.
“We made it.” I exhale as we walk inside. I still can’t believe we’re here or that I’m the one who drove us here after all those months of not driving.
“We did. So tell me the plan,” Andy says, spinning me again toward the living room.
“No plan,” I say, smiling. “My dad keeps wood in the garage. If you know how to make a fire, that would be pretty nice right about now.”
“As a matter of fact, I do,” he says. “Fire and hot chocolate like you and your fam do?”
“You remember that?” I ask. I know I told him about my family vacations on our ride to NYC, but hearing him repeat it now is surprising in a good way.
“I remember everything you tell me,” he says, rubbing my shoulders.
“Everything?” I ask.
“Mm-hmm. Like when you told me there was a hot tub that we can take advantage of.”
“Oooh, hot tub, then fire and hot chocolate?”
He smiles. “Sounds like you’re trying to plan now.”
I frown. He’s right.
“Hey,” he says, kissing my forehead. “You know, I like that about you. And hot tub then fire sounds amazing. Let’s do it.”
“Really?”
He spins me again. “As much as I’m going to hate you changing out of this dress. Yes.”
We kiss again until I can feel we’re both smiling. “Go change,” he whispers. I nod and head to my room. My bathing suit drawer is a mess, and it takes me longer to find a matching top and bottom than I expected. It’s only when I try on my
favorite black bikini that I feel self-conscious. I stand in front of the mirror, looking at the scar that runs along my chest from the accident. Normally I’m able to hide it, but there’s no hiding it in this suit.
It’s dark outside; he won’t even be able to see it, I urge myself. But it only helps a little. I find a robe in my closet that I can wear until the last possible second.
As I make my way to the hot tub, I can hear the water rushing. Andy must have started to warm it up.
I move over to the window. Peering out, I can see that Andy’s already inside. The hot tub is lit up, and I suddenly want to turn back around and say I changed my mind. But almost like he knows what I’m thinking he looks up and spots me. There’s suddenly a huge smile on his face, and he waves me over. I take a deep breath. It’s now or never.
I make my way to the sliding glass door. Opening it, I feel a burst of cold air. I run quickly to the hot tub. I’m barefoot, so my toes are cold as they hit the cement pathway my dad put in years ago.
When I reach the hot tub, I know that the faster I take my robe off, the faster I can get into the warm water, but I hesitate, looking at Andy. His hair is wet from going under. There’s a small drop of water on his lips that I have the urge to kiss away, but it slides off when he talks.
“Are you coming in?” he asks, watching me hesitate.
“Yes,” I say, but my body stays frozen where I’m standing. Maybe I can ask him to turn around. Then once I’m in the water, I can stay low so my scar is beneath the bubbles.
“What’re you doing? I can’t kiss you from all the way over here,” he teases.
I sway awkwardly in my robe. It’s not that I don’t want to go in and kiss him. I do. I just wish with everything in me that I could go back to the days where I could put on a bathing suit feeling as confident as I did in the dress I wore tonight. But as I’m thinking this, Andy moves over to the edge of the hot tub to be closer to me.
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