by E. M. Moore
“Not just your girl,” Ryan says, his voice laced in that same hard tone I’ve become used to.
“A man can dream.”
After that, the house fills with testosterone. Every single Baller just walks right into Ryan’s house. Shawn and Matt are the only ones who use the doorbell besides me. I can tell the Ballers are comfortable here. They sit on the furniture like they own the place. Someone puts on SportsCenter while the others are just talking about school, family, and whatever comes up. I’m pretty much just standing on the outskirts until Alec looks up. He motions for me to come over, but I hesitate. He pats his leg, and that I just can’t pass up. We’ve been so busy with baseball first, and then basketball stuff, that we haven’t had much time together. I settle down in his lap and join in on the conversation Shawn is having with him about baseball. When Shawn asks him if he ever thought about going to college on a baseball scholarship, Alec’s body stiffens underneath me.
Ryan hears this. From the corner of my eye, I see his shoulders tense. He’s talking with Lake—who hates that I’m here—so he’s pretending not to listen even though I know Ryan never misses a thing. I’m sure he knows more about me than I want him to and not just because the guys share things with him.
“Ha,” Alec says, his voice pushing for light-hearted. “No.”
I look back at him. Even I can tell there was a lie in there somewhere. My mouth opens to ask about it, but he quickly shakes his head. Instead, I bite down on my lip and face forward.
The Ballers have secrets. I always knew that. It wasn’t until I got more involved with them that I realized just how much they were all hiding. They aren’t just the kings of Rockport High. They have real lives, real problems. They care deeply, mostly about one another. In a way, it’s exactly what I imagined being allowed into their clique would be like, but in others, it’s completely different. It’s so abnormally normal.
I’m happy here, I realize. If I don’t make the team, I’ll be devastated. Not just because of all the plans I have for the future, but because as Ryan says, they don’t let in outsiders. Sure, they’ve claimed me, but how long will that last if I’m not one of them? If Shawn or Matt don’t make the team, they’re gone. They won’t be invited here or anywhere ever again, and I shouldn’t expect any different. The only upside to that will be the fact I can avoid Lake’s leering, pompous stare.
Alec rubs my back. “You okay?”
I nod. Heat gathers behind my eyes, but there’s no way I’m crying in Ryan Linc’s house over something so stupid. It reminds me of the “There’s no crying in baseball!” line from that Tom Hanks movie. I clear my throat instead. “Yep. Good. You want some punch?”
He looks into his empty cup. “If you wouldn’t mind.”
I get up at the same time a door opens somewhere in the back of the house. I saw there was an attached garage, so I think it’s just Ryan’s mom, but the way the Ballers all freeze makes me stand in place, my eyes darting from one to the other. Heavy footsteps hit the hallway.
“Ryan!” Alec hisses.
But then my dad peeks his head around the corner. His eyes go wide, as do mine, but then I’m smiling. I didn’t know Ryan invited my dad to this. It’s probably one of those traditions they don’t bother telling people. “Hey, Dad,” I say, moving toward him. We were supposed to get together last weekend, but he texted that something came up. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks and have only been keeping him updated over text about what’s going on with the trials and how nervous I am about the actual tryouts.
“Hey, Honey,” he says, his gaze shifting behind him.
You know that feeling when you know there’s something wrong, but you can’t quite place it? I’m having it now hardcore, but I don’t understand. I turn back toward the group after giving him a hug. Sloan is staring at his lap. Alec’s face is all red. Ryan, for once, looks like he’s caught in the headlights. Lake is just smirking, and Hayes’ face has a slight pout I don’t usually see. I shake it off though. Sometimes seeing my dad can be an event for some people, though I would have thought the Ballers would have gotten over it by now. “Shawn, Matt, this is my dad, Timothy Dale.”
Heels click across the tile my dad just came through. “Sorry, Honey,” a female voice calls out. “We forgot something.” I hear a “mmm” right before a tiny slap sounds and my dad clenches. Ryan’s mom peeks out around my dad. My face drains. Mrs. Linc just smacked my dad’s ass. I look to my dad, who’s trying to keep a smile on his face. No. No, no. I take a step back. My dad…and Ryan’s mom?
“Oh, shit,” she says as she takes us all in. “Honey.” She glares at Ryan. “I thought you said just the guys were coming over.”
I take a few more steps back.
“Quintessa,” my dad says. His voice is that fatherly tone. The one he uses when he’s trying to tell me I need to behave a certain way.
He hasn’t seen what Mom’s been like since he left though.
I’m going to be sick. I turn and head for the front door, tears already sliding down my face. My dad calls after me, but I stumble outside.
My dad and Mrs. Linc. Ryan knows. They all know. My mom and I have been trying to keep the separation a secret while my dad—
Footsteps run through the grass behind me. I whirl only because I think it’s my dad and I want to tell him I think he’s the biggest piece of shit ever, but it’s not my dad. It’s Ryan. “You,” I say, my voice trembling. I can feel the hot tears as they mark my face. They’re like a brand, not something I can hide from the boy I’ve sworn I’d hide everything from since that night at camp. “Fuck you,” I say. “Fuck you, fuck you. Just, fuck you.”
I turn, but he grabs my hand and pulls. “Fuck me? For what? I didn’t do shit.”
“You’ve done plenty of shit!” I scream. My own voice isn’t recognizable to me. I’m losing it. A dog howls, and a few neighbors turn their lights on. Doesn’t he know what he’s done to me? Not just in the past, but now?
He winces, but it isn’t half as much as I’ve felt from him.
Anger surges inside me, and all I want to do is make him pay for this. He knew this whole time. I laugh, pulling my hands through my hair. “I get it. Your mom’s a fucking whore.”
“Don’t you fucking dare call her that.”
“No? Why? My parents aren’t even divorced yet. Did you know that?” I look behind his shoulder. “Does your mom know that?” I yell even louder. “They’re not even fucking separated yet!” I say it with so much force, my body doubles in half as I scream it, and my fists clench at my sides. I turn back to him. “Isn’t that the definition of a whore? And you knew, this whole time. You’ve been around me almost every single day since I started at Rockport. You knew, and you didn’t say shit. That’s why fuck you, Ryan. That’s why.”
I spin away, heading to my car. “You think I asked for this?” he asks from behind me. His voice has lost some of the anger. He’s not the confident point guard right now.
“I don’t care,” I tell him. It’s the first time I’ve ever said those words in relation to Ryan Linc and meant them. I’d try to tell myself I didn’t care about him, but I always did. Not after this. It doesn’t just involve me anymore. My family’s been brought in now, too.
“Tess,” he says, his words laced in anguish.
I fumble with my keys. “Don’t fucking call me that!” I wince. Only my parents call me that. Of course he would know about that because what? My dad lives with him now? How is this happening?
I hit the unlock button, but nothing happens. I hit it again, smashing my finger into the fob until the tip of my finger turns white. His arms come around me from behind. “You can’t drive home like this.”
I struggle against him. “Let me go!”
“You’re not driving home like this,” he says more forcefully.
“I don’t care what you want, Ryan. I need to go home. I need to tell my mother what a piece of shit my father is.” I cry harder at the thought, my vision blurring.
He ignores me. “Hayes!” he calls out, his voice raw. Hayes comes to the door, loping toward us, his hands in his pockets. His lips are thin. “I need you to drive Tessa home.”
Fuck that. I kick off the car, nearly knocking both of us over. I probably would have if Hayes didn’t reach out and catch us both. “Let me go!”
“Ryan,” Hayes says, his voice questioning.
“No!” Ryan says, gripping me harder.
I’m back on my feet, but I still in his arms. “I swear to God if you don’t both let me fucking go right now…”
Hayes puts his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. After a long breath, Ryan’s grip relaxes on me, and then he steps away. He’s all taut muscle and searing fury. I finally get the unlock button to work, and I step one foot in my car.
Hayes is propping Ryan up when I look back at them. “Tell my dad if he doesn’t want me to tell my mom first, he better fucking beat me there.” I laugh without feeling. “I’m guessing he probably doesn’t give a shit though since he’s content on playing house.” Another ache opens in my chest when I picture them together in Ryan’s home. Ryan is me. Ryan is the son my dad always wanted. Dad hasn’t seen me in two weeks, but he’s probably seen Ryan every fucking night. I swallow the emptiness trying to take me whole. “By the way, what did you do last weekend?”
Ryan’s Adam’s apple bobs. When he talks, his voice cracks. “We introduced my mom’s parents to Tim.”
I nodded. Of course they did. “Tell my dad it’s cool because I didn’t want to see him anyway.”
With that, I get in the car. I start it up and slam on the gas. My tires squeal against the pavement until they catch and take off. I’m sure the neighbors have called the police by now. Hell, some are even openly gawking from their front stoops and windows. I can’t find it in me to care though.
I look in the rearview mirror behind me. Ryan’s just staring after me. My dad never came out. My dad didn’t even try to explain.
I can barely see the roads as I drive home. It’s honestly a miracle I made it home intact. When I look up at my house as I pull in, I know I’m about to blow everything wide open. I pull myself together, walk in, and deliver the second worst news my mom’s ever had.
29
My mom’s the shit. Honestly. She went from just barely getting by to ‘eff that asshole’ so quickly my head almost spun. Sure, she had her cry, but the news that my dad is shacking up with the Linc’s has spurred something inside her. Maybe it’s just the basic fact that she probably won’t ever get him back now. Why she would even want him after this, I don’t know. Then again, who am I to talk? I can still feel Ryan’s strong arms around me. They felt so familiar to me that when I think back on that night, I wonder if I’m sad because he finally touched me again and I couldn’t enjoy it, or if I’m sad because my dad’s a douche.
He’s called me, of course. Texted me, too. I had a “Go to hell” text already typed up, but my finger hovered over the send button without actually going through with it. I’m furious at my dad right now. Mainly because other people knew about this when the people who should have known, didn’t. And Ryan, of all people. I can almost see what happened flick through scene-by-scene in my head. Ryan’s mom drops off and picks up Ryan every year from camp. Ryan’s dad hasn’t been in the picture for years, so there’s no barrier there. Dad feels unsatisfied. Dad flirts.
It fits in nicely with what I saw from my vantage point. My dad told my mom shortly after camp this past summer that he wanted to separate. They did the whole moving out and taking what he wanted, which wasn’t much. They argued about who was going to pay for what, and all this time, he’s been hanging out at Ryan’s house, the guy I love to hate.
Or is it hate to love?
He texted me, too. Surprisingly. I thought it was a last-minute Baller thing for the recruits or I wouldn’t even have opened it. He asked me if we could talk. I hate that a part of me wanted to jump at the chance, but thankfully, the smarter me won out. I haven’t spoken to any of the Ballers since that night. Alec and Sloan have both texted begging me to call or meet up, but I just can’t see them. They probably think I’m pissed they knew and never said anything. I am, sort of. But I’m also not surprised. I also realize that it’s actually not their fault. It’s all on my dad. It’s just a shame it happened that way.
Today’s Monday though, so I can’t avoid them today. I have to go in and face them all again. It’s also the first day of week-long tryouts. The actual tryouts, not just something the Ballers make up so they think they actually have a choice in what Coach Bradley decides. Mom kisses me on the cheek when I leave and tells me to be brave. Unlike my father, she understands how fucking embarrassing it was to have everything implode like that in front of other people.
I drive to school and park in the student parking lot. It’s my little way of saying fuck you to everyone. I dare them to say anything to me because I’m so not in the mood. When I get out of the car, a tall, slow figure is making his way toward me. When he catches my eye, he keeps it, but there’s nothing else there. At least that I can see. I pull my bookbag out of the passenger seat and sling it over my shoulder before locking the car up. Hayes gets to me, then stops. He doesn’t say a word, but when I turn toward the school, he does too. I take a step, so does he. We continue that way until I get to my locker and get out my books for the day. Then, he follows me to homeroom without a word. When I look back, he’s gone.
After the short homeroom though, he’s back outside waiting for me. Hayes “Ice Man” Irving walks me to every single class that morning. When I hit lunch, we meet Alec and Sloan right before the entrance. Alec looks Hayes up and down. Sloan just blinks at him, but after that, I have both of their attention. “Tessa…”
“I really…” I clear my throat. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Hayes nudges me in the shoulder, and we just walk right on by. He takes a seat next to me as we face Dawn and David. I’ve told Dawn everything, so when she sees me, she pops up and gives me a hug. Hayes puts his bookbag down. “I’ll get your lunch,” he says.
Dawn watches him walk away. I just shrug. I’d ask him why he’s being my personal escort, but then he’d have to talk to me, so I don’t bother. I actually really like the sound of his voice now that I hear it. I just don’t think he’s a man of many words, so I won’t push him. Alec slips into the seat next to me while Hayes is gone. I almost sigh, but he’s not the one I’m upset with. He takes my hand. “I know you’re dealing with this and want some time, but…” He pauses and looks around. Dawn and David are enthralled by what he’s saying. They’re not even hiding the fact that they’re eavesdropping. The lowerclassmen at the other end of the table are, too. He leans in closer. “Don’t forget that we’re here.” He gives my hand a double squeeze and then stands. “See you at tryouts tonight.”
“Holy shit, that’s tonight?” Dawn screeches. When I nod, she blows out a big breath. “Like you don’t have enough to worry about. You better walk in there and show them who’s boss.”
Hayes comes back with a tray full of food for me. My eyes widen. There are two containers of chocolate milk, an ice cream, a cookie, two slices of pizza, and some French fries. Before I can even think he put both of our lunches on one tray, he sits down with his own tray filled with the exact same items. “Thank you,” I tell him. I look at him from the corner of my eye. He’s staring at me the same way, almost like he’s waiting to see my reaction.
Dawn starts to giggle, but I kick her under the table. David reaches out his fist. “What’s up, man?”
Hayes pounds him back, but doesn’t say anything, just eats.
It isn’t that he’s wrong in getting me all this. It’s pretty much everything I’ve eaten since starting here, minus the salad, but there’s just so much of it. I drag the tray closer to me with one finger and dive in. There’s no way I can even eat half this, but especially not on the first day of official tryouts. I’m already nervous. The only guys on the basketball team who
aren’t nervous are the Ballers. Their spots are secure. Everyone else’s is up for grabs.
I stick the straw into my second chocolate milk when the bell rings. Hayes looks over at the half-eaten food on my tray. “You should eat more.”
I grab my stomach on instinct. If I ate any more, I’d have to waddle to class. “I thought I did good.”
The tiniest curl of his lips is like a soundwave of emotion coming from Hayes Irving. He nearly knocks me over. We stand up with our trays and Dawn tells me she’ll see me at the tryouts. On the first night, the public can come watch. After that, they’re closed tryouts except for people like my dad or alumni who want to stop by. Otherwise, Coach Bradley keeps things tight-lipped until the announcements are made.
The last few periods whiz by until I’m sitting in the girls’ locker room by myself. I have a gold practice jersey on, my hands squished between my knees as I breathe in deeply. In another five minutes, I have to go out there. It’s almost comical how much my stomach is twisting into knots. I was never this nervous for a Broadwell game ever. A knock comes on the locker room door. For a second, I freeze, hoping it’s not my dad.
“Tessa?”
I lay my head back. It’s just Hayes. I stand, head for the door, and pull it open. Without a word, he steps away, revealing all the people who’ve come to Timothy Dale Court to watch the open tryouts. There’s media in the stands. I see Dawn first only because when I step out, she’s on her feet jumping. I smile and wave at her. If I do make the team, it’ll be fun to have her come watch me. David’s going to have to explain everything to her though.
Hayes starts running onto the court, so I follow. Most of the team is in the center stretching. I see a flash of movement to my side. When I focus on it, I see Alec’s little sister running out onto the court, her mother chasing her. “Tessa!”
I stop and go up to her. “Hey, Roberta. Did you come to watch your brother? That’s so great.”