by Huss, JA
It’s really unfortunate that Alonzo sent me up here to get answers, because Vann is actually the guy I was gonna talk to. He’s the one with the local info I need. But that’s a complicated story and I’m not going to involve Soshee in this shit. That’s how things with Rosalinda got all messed up.
“But after that?” I shrug. “No reason to stick around.”
“You sure about that?”
“I’m not here to woo her, Sosh. I just needed to get her off my mind so I could get back to my life and put the whole thing behind me.”
“If you say so.”
“I do. But… I’ll see you tomorrow though? Probably? I’ll stay the weekend, I guess. I’m paid up until Monday. Maybe I’ll go be a tourist for the rest of my trip. See Colorado.”
“Sounds fun. And yeah, come in for breakfast at Ameci’s tomorrow. I’m working the breakfast shift and the bakery is the hot spot around here on the weekends. You must try more of our baked goods.”
“I hear they’re better than getting a blowjob in the alley.”
She smirks at me. Then giggles.
I point to her again. “Poison Ivy. There are worse things to be.”
“Point.”
“Good night, Soshee.”
“Good night, Tony.”
She walks me to the door and I take one last glance at her as I make my way towards the stairwell. She waves, then closes the door and disappears.
It was a nice night. It really was. She’s a nice girl. And easy to talk to. And pretty. Very pretty. If I was in the market for a girlfriend, I might try to take her mind off Vann. But I’m not. I’m going home in a couple days and then I will put Rosalinda and Fort Collins, Colorado behind me.
But when I get to my door, I pause.
Rosalinda and Vann.
They live at the same house. Well, technically, she lives above the garage. But still. He has such… access to her. Access I do not have.
He’s there right now. And so is she. They could be doing anything. Fine, so they didn’t leave together. That doesn’t mean anything. Soshee was right. Belinda probably went out the back. And she’s probably home right now. And did I detect a little slump in Vann’s walk as he got in his truck?
He fucked Soshee earlier today. He has to know she lives up here. Her apartment lights were on. One glance up and he would’ve seen us.
But he didn’t look up. He was looking down, in fact.
He has no interest in Soshee Ameci. Which means he’s very much stuck on Belinda Baker.
Don’t do it, Tony. Don’t even think about it. Just stick your key in the lock, open the door to your rental, and go to sleep.
Put her out of your mind.
You got what you came for. It’s over.
But there is still that little nagging feeling that it’s not.
And the next thing I know I’m hopping down the stairs to the ground floor and pushing my way through the back door of the theater that leads to the alley.
It’s a fifteen-minute walk down Mountain Avenue to the ramshackle Vaughn family mansion. It’s nearly four AM, but when I get there, there are several lights on inside.
When I creep up to the side window and look inside, I see Vonn and Vinn sitting at a small table, eating sandwiches.
But no Vann.
I look over my shoulder at the garage. I can’t see if her apartment has lights on from here because there are no windows on this side. But I’m here. I came all the way over here. So I’m not leaving until I at least take a look.
I walk around the garage and I’m just turning the corner, ready to climb the stairs that lead to her door, when who do I see?
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Vann. Fucking. Vaughn. Sitting on the top step and leaning against her front door.
“I could ask you the same question,” I reply.
“I fucking live here.”
“You live over there,” I say, nodding my head towards his shitty house.
Vann gets to his feet. “Dude, I’m not gonna tell you this twice. So you better hear me, OK?”
I huff a laugh.
“Stay the fuck away from Belinda. She’s not interested in you.”
“Is that right?”
“Yeah. That’s right.”
“Then why did she let me fuck her in the alley outside your tattoo shop when she came back from getting dinner?”
His mouth drops open.
“Oh, she didn’t tell you? Hmm. Interesting. I thought you two were friends? Funny though, Soshee told me that you fucked her right about the same time.”
“What?”
“What? Was she lying?”
“What the hell is going on here?” I whirl around to find Belinda behind me. “Why are you here, Tony?”
I smirk up at Vann, then turn my attention to Belinda. “I think we have some unfinished business.”
“Did you fuck him?” Vann asks.
Belinda’s eyes go wide. Her mouth drops open too. “What the hell, Tony? You told him?”
“We were comparing notes.” I chuckle. “Seems we all had a little booty call at the same time last night.”
And that’s when Rosalinda’s fist hits me square in the mouth.
CHAPTER TWLEVE - BELINDA
“What the hell?” Tony yells. “You’re insane!”
My fist draws back and I’m just about to swing again when a large hand closes over it. I whirl to find Vann standing behind me, my fist in his grip.
He winks at me.
I squint back at him. “What are you doing?”
“I think you’ve made your point.” He directs his attention to Tony, who, to my delight, is bleeding from the lip. “Go home, Tony. Because you do not want my angry asshole of a father to come out here with his shotgun to chase you away.”
Tony scoffs.
I kick out at Tony, trying to hit him in the shins with the tip of my cowboy boot.
“That’s enough, killer,” Vann says, pulling me back. “He’s leaving.”
Tony straightens his jacket, then looks at me. “What the fuck, Belinda? You hit me in the mouth!” He dabs at his bleeding lip with a fingertip.
“You told him we—” But I can’t even say it. I’m humiliated. Again. Because of these two men. I point my finger in Tony’s face. “Get the fuck away from me! Go home! You got what you came for!”
His face falls. His mouth goes tight. “Rosalie—”
“Don’t,” I snap. “Don’t you dare.”
“I didn’t come here to fight with you, OK? I just—”
“I don’t know what you’re doing or why you’re here, Tony! But here is what I do know—this has nothing to do with me! This is all you. You’re in some… some kind of crisis and you’re using me as an excuse. Just… please! Go! Away!”
Tony throws up his hands. “Fuck it. Fine. I’m gone.” And then he turns and walks around the corner of the garage, disappearing from view.
Vann follows him.
“Vann!”
He doesn’t stop.
“Vann!”
“I’m just making sure he leaves,” Vann replies. He stops at the far corner of the garage and stands there for a few moments. Then he turns back to me.
I shake my head.
“What?” he asks.
“You need to go home too.”
“No,” he says, quickly walking towards me.
His long legs cover the distance between us surprisingly fast. And the next thing I know he’s right in front of me. I take a step back, hit the bottom step of the stairs, and then step up. This makes me taller. Not as tall at Vann, but taller. So I don’t have to get a crick in my neck trying to meet his eyes.
“I need to explain. I didn’t get a chance earlier and—”
“I don’t require an explanation, Vann. We’re not together. You can fuck anyone you want. Even if it’s a girl you don’t actually want.” I shrug. “What do I care?”
He just stares at me.
“What?”
>
“Why do you care?”
“I don’t!”
“Then why did you get all upset at work last night?”
“It wasn’t about you. It was about Tony.”
“Because he fucked you in the alley? Right before you saw me with Soshee?”
“Can we just… not talk about this?”
“Fuck that,” he says. “Fuck. That. I’m tired of not talking about this. And I’m not leaving here until we do talk about this. I’m fucking sick of this shit.”
“What shit? I’m not leading you on, so if you try to say I am, I’ll—”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Belinda!”
“What?”
“Are you blind? Or deaf? Or dumb? Or what?”
I just stare at him.
He takes a step forward, forcing me to take a step back too. And my step is actually a step up. He points his finger at me. I swat it away.
“I’m gonna say this once, OK? Just once.”
“Say whatever the fuck you want. I don’t care what you do.”
He climbs one step. And so do I. “I like you,” he says, climbing another step. So I climb another step. “I like your filthy mouth, Belinda Baker. I like your stupid cowboy boots. I like your pink hair.” He keeps climbing the steps, so I have to keep climbing the steps. “I like the way you road-trip.”
“What?” I’m so confused.
He’s still climbing the steps and now my back is against my front door. “I like the way you wear that glitter shit on your eyelids in the summer. And the way you wear fingerless gloves in the winter even though you complain, every single day, that your fucking hands are cold. I like the way your hair smells when you show up for work and it’s still wet. I like the way you spin on your stupid stool in front of the shop cash register and glare at the giggly sorority girls like you can’t wait for them to wake up sober tomorrow and realize they just paid a hundred bucks for a My Little Mermaid tramp stamp. I like the way you bite your lip when you’re tattooing and the way you always have a smear of ink on the side of your face by the time you’re done.”
I reach up to touch my face.
“Yes, you have ink there, right now. And I love that. Because you don’t even care enough to check the mirror after you’re done with a client to notice that you always have ink smeared on your fucking face after you tattoo someone. I like the way you kick at stones when you walk down the street like you’re some troubled teen with pregnancy issues.”
“What?” I laugh.
“I like the way you bitch, and moan, and complain that no one takes you seriously. In fact, I love that no one takes you seriously, because then they’d figure out just how awesome you are, and I’m afraid you’ll actually find someone else before I can convince you that I am good for you. I want to date you, Belinda Baker. And you know what really pissed me off tonight?”
He pauses.
I become uneasy. “Am I supposed to guess?”
“I’m not mad that you fucked Tony in the alley. OK? That’s not it. I’m angry that you gave him the chance that I deserve.”
My stomach… falls. I don’t know of any other way to describe the feeling I get when I internalize those last few words of his. Except… falling. Like the world has just been yanked out from under me. Like I’m adrift in a sea of mistakes.
Because he’s absolutely right.
“Vann—”
“No,” he says, still seething. “No.” He holds up one finger. “I’m not done. You don’t get to talk yet. I’ve been holding this in all fucking night while you laughed and joked with my goddamned brother and his stupid yoked-out army friend. Who, by the way, was leering at you the entire time.”
“He was not!”
“He so was!”
“He was lying face down, Vann!”
“I just want to say this.” He pauses again and his chest is rising and falling very quickly, like he’s really upset. And his lips are falling into a deep frown. And his face is becoming flushed with heat. “I have earned my chance, Belinda. I didn’t become your friend because I wanted to get in your pants. I didn’t get you the apprentice job because I thought we’d be good together. I didn’t drive you and Tara two thousand miles to Key West because I thought maybe you’d finally see me for what I am. I did all those things because I like you. With no expectations whatsoever. I did all those things because I enjoy you. And when we’re together, life is fun. Even when we’re running from guys called Diablo, and smuggling people on boats, and especially when we’re just hanging out doing nothing. Saying nothing. That’s my favorite time with you. Because we’re at that place now. That place where we’re comfortable. And I keep waiting for you to see how good we are. And you just”—he shakes his head—“refuse! You just refuse to even consider me. But this asshole Tony Dumas shows up out of nowhere and you give him all the considerations. You say you don’t like him—”
“I don’t!”
“You say that, but then why, Belinda? Why do you give him all the chances he hasn’t earned?”
Now my chest is rising and falling unusually fast. And my lips are falling into the deepest of frowns. And my face is becoming flushed with heat. And the worst thing is, my eyes are welling up with tears like I might even start crying.
“Just tell me why,” Vann whispers. “Just tell me. Or hell, just tell me you love him and I’ll go away.”
“I don’t love him. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want him here. I want him to leave. I wish he had never come here in the first place.”
“That’s even worse. He’s no one to you? And yet he gets all the chances?”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper back.
“I’m not here for an apology, OK? I’m not here to make you feel bad. I’m not trying to guilt you into something you’ll regret. I’m here because I can’t fucking… I can’t fucking exist like this anymore. I can’t do it. I want to date you. Why can’t you just take a chance on me? Are you just not attracted to me? Am I not ambitious enough? What? What is it? What do you see in me that makes you say no without any serious consideration?”
These are all good questions. He has every right to ask them.
But I don’t know how to answer him.
Vann sighs. His shoulders slump. He turns away from me and runs his fingers through his hair as he stares off into the dark nothingness of the back yard. “You know,” he says, still with his back to me, “I’m really happy that Vic finally gave you a real chance last night.” He turns to face me, his frown still deep, his breathing still too fast. “I’m super proud of you. I want you to… do everything that makes you happy. And if that happiness doesn’t include me”—he shrugs—“OK. I get it. I understand. But I’m never going to stop being there for you. Ever. If you tell me to leave the way you did Tony, I won’t. If you clock me in the mouth, I still won’t. I’m not walking away, Belinda. Even if you tell me right now that we have no future together, I’ll still be your friend tomorrow. So give it to me straight, OK? I swear to God, I can take the truth. Is there any part of you that feels the way I do? Or should I just give up and move on?”
I take a deep breath and hold it. But when that breath comes out, the truth comes out with it. “Tara is gone. She was my best friend and now she’s living two thousand miles away. I can’t even see my mom until whatever weird shit that’s going on with the FBI and the Dumas brothers is resolved. I’m all alone here.”
“You’re not alone,” he says, clearly becoming even more frustrated with me.
“Let me finish now, OK?”
He nods. “OK. Keep going.”
“I’m all alone except for you. You are all I have. We are perfect friends. And you’re right. We know each other now. You know all those things about me, but let me tell you what I know about you, Vann Vaughn. You are the most charming asshole who ever walked this Earth.” He tries not to smile, but he doesn’t succeed. “And you’re smiling right now because you know that was a compliment and not an insult. You are honest, you are g
enuine, and goodhearted. You are happy, and almost never down, and you’re confident. You believe in yourself so much, it spills over into other people. Everything about you is golden sunshine. You are so bright, you light up all us little dark people from miles away. I have never met someone like you before. Not in my entire life. And now that we’ve known each other for a while, I’m quite certain that you are one of a kind. And if I fuck this up—”
“You won’t!”
“—if I fuck this up, Vann. I’m never going to find another friend like you. Ever. I’m going to die alone if I fuck this up with you.”
“Belinda, we’re good together.”
“I know that. But I’m afraid. Nothing lasts forever. We can’t just say, ‘Welp, we’re soulmates now. I guess we’re set for life!’ That’s not how it works. One day it’s going to end. One day it will fall apart. And I can’t even fucking comprehend the kind of sadness I will feel when that happens.”
“I understand that, Belinda. But it’s no different with Tony. It’s no different.”
“It’s completely fucking different! I don’t care what happens to Tony! He’s going to walk out of my life in a day or two and I’m never going to think about him again. Don’t you get it? He’s not a risk! He’s nothing! You—you, Vann—you are a million, billion, trillion risks all wrapped up into one perfect man. I’m going to die of a broken heart when we fall apart. And I’ve lived through that before. I don’t know if I can live through it again.”
“You lived through it with Tony?”
I nod. “Yes. But it’s still not the same. So don’t tell me it is. You are… you mean more to me than he could ever hope to. And trust me on this, OK? Because I know him. He’s not here to tell me the things you just told me. He’s not here to make some grand gesture and win my heart. He’s here because he needed to fuck and forget me. That’s it. That’s the only reason he’s here. He is no threat to you. Or us.”
Vann looks at me for a long moment, his face still supremely sad. “It’s not fair.”
“I know. And I agree.”
“So do something about it, Belinda.”
“What do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”