by Huss, JA
“You sorted through them?”
“Yep. I’m totally over it. I really hope he and Belinda are soulmates. I hope they get married. Hell, I hope I get an invite to the wedding. I wish nothing but the best for them.”
“And you feel that way because…”
“I have you. And having you feels nothing like not having him.”
I smile and nod my head a little.
“Is that how you feel about Belinda?”
I turn my whole body to face her. Because I need her to hear me. I need to make this very clear. “I have never loved Rosalinda. I didn’t love her as Rosalie and I didn’t love her as Belinda. She was a cute girl I met when I was very young and we… fucked around for a few years. That’s it. That’s all it was. It’s just… I don’t know. I know you’re probably getting frustrated with me, but I’m just having a very hard time figuring out what I’m doing here. Not here with you. Because I like you. I’m very sure of that. So sure, I’m picturing myself passing serious milestones with you, Soshee Ameci. But I feel like I have left something unfinished. When Rosalinda showed up with Alonzo’s girlfriend a few months ago… I don’t know what happened to me. I just… had feelings, but not the kind of feelings you think. It wasn’t that I wanted her back. I just… didn’t want her there. Ya know? At my fucking house. I was angry when she showed back up. She had no right to do that and I was just so fucking pissed.”
“Is that when you stopped sleeping?”
I nod. “Yeah. That’s when it started.”
“Hmm.” Soshee sits up in bed, hiking the sheet up over her breasts to cover them. “Well… I hate to break this to you, Tony, but you’re right. You have unfinished business with that girl. I’m not sure if it’s with Rosalie, or with Belinda, or with Rosalinda. Choose a name and personality, I guess. But there are relationship leftovers that need to be thrown out.”
“I know,” I whisper. “I feel like… she and I should maybe… have a talk?”
“Couldn’t hurt.”
“But I don’t know what to say to her. Do I say, ‘Look, I’m sorry I never loved you?’”
“Did she love you?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Hmm.”
“I’m telling you, it was nothing but anger and hate. Fighting and crying.”
“And the sex?”
“The sex. OK, you want to hear something really fucked up?” I can’t believe I’m actually gonna go here.
“Might as well,” Soshee says. “We’re in this together now.”
I smile at that. “We are, Sosh.”
“OK. Tell me the fucked-up part.”
“She cried every time we had sex.”
Soshee frowns. “What do you mean she cried? While you guys were doing it?”
“No. Afterward. Every time, after we were done, she cried. And I…” I sigh.
“Keep going.”
“I liked it.”
“You like her tears? Or you liked her unhappiness?”
I think about this for a moment. Because I hadn’t realized there was a difference. “Tears, I guess. I don’t want her to be unhappy. I mean, wishing unhappiness on her feels like… I don’t know. An investment. Trust me. I’m not that invested.”
“OK,” Soshee says. “You have a weird fetish.”
“No!”
“Come on, Tony. You can admit it. I’m not going to judge you.”
“It’s not a fetish. I never craved the tears of other girls. It was just something she did and I…”
“Got off on it?”
I sigh.
“Forget the tears. I don’t think they mean anything.”
“Explain.”
She shrugs. “I don’t think they matter. I think you’re focused on them because it was weird. You liked it and you enjoyed it. But then when she was gone, you didn’t pursue it. So it was a temporary thing and you left it behind you.”
“Yeah, until she showed back up and that was all I thought about. I started to become obsessed with those fucking tears. I literally came here to fuck her and make her cry so I could stop thinking about her forever.”
“OK. I think we’re getting somewhere.”
“We are?”
“Yeah, I mean, I have some experience with being in Belinda’s shoes. I was totally invested in Vann and, as we all know, he didn’t feel the same way.”
“I don’t think it’s the same. Have you ever punched Vann in the mouth because you were so angry at him?”
“No,” she says through a chuckle. “No. I like him. It’s not hate. But it’s not love either. I know that because if it were love I wouldn’t be so infatuated with you right now.”
I grin. I can’t help it. “You’re infatuated with me?”
“Totally. Ever since I sat down at your table in the restaurant and forced you to have lunch with me, Vann started to fade away.”
“We stalked him that night. You fucked the next day.”
“I know.” She says this simply and shrugs it off. Like it’s no big deal.
And, honestly, it feels very much like no big deal to me too. I don’t even care that she did that. Because I get it. I know why she did it. It was a goodbye fuck. It doesn’t even matter that she didn’t understand it in the moment. We understand it now and that’s all that counts.
“But back to Belinda,” Soshee says. “I think you’re looking for closure.”
“To what? What we had was so… just… gross. It was gross. It was hate, and anger, and rage. Nothing about it was good. Trust me, I didn’t think about her for years after she left Key West. I didn’t spare one fucking moment of thought for her.”
“Until she showed back up again.”
“Yeah.”
“And then what did you think?”
“What do you mean?”
“What did you feel when you saw her?”
“Anger. All over again. So much anger. Rage. I couldn’t…”
“Sleep?”
“Yeah.”
“And now you can.”
“Well, I’m not sure one night makes a pattern, but I sure the fuck hope so.”
She throws the sheet off her and crawls across the bed to sit next to me. Her arm slips around my waist and her fingertips begin rubbing small circles against my stomach. “Tony?”
“Hmm?” I say, enjoying the way her touch makes me feel.
“You were not good to her.”
“I know that.”
“And now you’re sorry.”
I think about that for a moment. “I’m sorry for what, though? Because I don’t feel sorry, Soshee.”
She laughs. “Damn, dude. That’s harsh.”
“I know! Trust me, I get it. I’m a total asshole. But I don’t feel bad about the past. I just... don’t. Like I said, that feels like an investment. And I’m just… not invested in her. And now you probably think I’m lying and I’ve got some hidden feelings. And I hate that.” I turn to look at her. “I really hate that,” I whisper. “Because you, Soshee Ameci? You… you… you.”
“Me, me, me.” She giggles. “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”
“Good. Because it was.”
“So here’s my professional ex-stalker assessment.”
“Hit me. I’m ready.”
“You’re in a good place now.”
“I am?”
“Mmm-hmm. I think you’re ready to move on.”
“I totally am.”
“So… let her go.”
“Just like that? Just… let her go? I mean, if it were that easy, wouldn’t I have done that already?”
She nods. “Yep.” And then she stands up and walks across the room to the bathroom. She stops just as she reaches for the door and looks at me over her shoulder. “It’s a choice, Tony. Let it go and move on. Or fix it. Those are your options. But can I just say that you’ve already tried letting it go and moving on? And it didn’t work.”
“I know. I need to fix it. But how do
I fix it?”
She shakes her head. “Well, you tried the goodbye fuck and it didn’t work. So there’s something else there. Some leftover feelings you need to deal with. I know you don’t want to think about your past with her, but that’s where the answer is. So you should probably do that.”
She turns back to the bathroom, opens the door, and then looks back at me again. “I’m OK with it. I can wait. We’re just getting started, Tony. So whatever it is you need to do, leave me out of it, OK? It’s not about me. Now, I’m going to take a shower. And I think you should table all this angst for another time and come join me.”
“Angst,” I huff.
“Your choice.” She smiles and disappears into the bathroom.
I sit there for a few moments, wondering how this girl went from being irrationally obsessed with a man she couldn’t have to a wise woman who completely understands herself, and me, in the span of two days.
I don’t know. I have no clue how she’s so at ease with her place in the world, but I want some of that.
So I put Rosalinda behind me and join her.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO - BELINDA
The first thing I see when I open my eyes in the morning are words.
Everywhere. Words. On the ceiling. On the walls. On the headboard when I turn to look around. Even on the windows. I don’t think I ever looked up to the third-floor windows, or I might’ve noticed the words slashing their way across the panes. The paint or whatever Vann used to write them is faded to a dull gray. Parts of letters are missing in some places, but I can still make out the entire sentence. Part of the Pledge of Allegiance. The ‘with liberty’ part.
Vann is already in the shower. He left the door open to his en suite like an invitation.
I want to join him, but I can’t get over this room.
I noticed the walls were covered in words after we were done having sex and Vann got up to fish an old Sick Boyz t-shirt out of a drawer so I could wear it to sleep in. I look down at the shirt now. He has worn this shirt hundreds of times since I met him and I feel lucky, maybe. That he lent it to me.
And it smells delicious. Like motorcycles and tattoo ink. Like punk music and monster trucks. It smells like Vann Vaughn.
I sigh, feeling happy and content for the first time in a very long while. Very satisfied with how this is playing out even though two days ago I was telling him we were not a thing. We would never be a thing. And now look… we’re on the verge of becoming a thing.
Anyway.
There must be thousands of words scrawled across the walls, some of it in what I recognize as Vann’s typical handwriting. But a good portion is done up in calligraphy. Old-fashioned letters and bold letters. Serif and sans. Every kind of lettering you can think of.
I sit up to get a better look. Because it feels so… familiar for some reason.
Then I get it.
Graffiti. I wasn’t into tagging random walls back when I was a teenager in Key West. But I did my share of illegal murals. And, of course, the sanctioned one I was paid to do. Which was painted over some time during the eight years after my departure.
When Vann and Tara and I first got to Key West a few months ago we went to my mom’s motel first. It was a hostel and she was gone. I didn’t know it then, but the Dumas family had her relocated for her own safety. They bought the motel and used it to house the refugees they saved and they sent her up the coast to start a new life.
I was pissed off about that but they did right by my mom. I can’t see her yet because it’s still too dangerous. The FBI thinks she’s dead or something. Out of the picture, at least. And that’s how it needs to stay until we find some kind of final solution to this problem we’re all wrapped up in. So I get why my mom was relocated. Hell, I even understand why I was relocated.
But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.
“Hey!” Vann comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. “Why didn’t you join me? I was waiting for ya.”
“You should’ve woken me up,” I say, smiling as I allow my eyes the luxury of wandering up and down his body.
“I wanted you to sleep in. You look so peaceful and sweet when you’re asleep.”
“As opposed to when I’m awake and look… what? Crazy and angry?”
He walks over to the bed and sits down next to me, the familiar scent of his soap and shampoo a strong reminder that I know this man. I know him very well. And while this shouldn’t be a revelation—eight years is no joke—it kinda is.
I never noticed that his scent was familiar until just now. And I recognized his handwriting on the walls too. Even though I’ve never been up here in his room before, it’s all familiar. And that’s comforting for some reason.
He leans in and kisses me. His mouth tastes minty and fresh. “I have never thought of you as crazy and angry.” He pauses, pulling back a little. “Well, maybe a little crazy. But it’s the good kind.”
“I do my best.” I grin.
“Yeah, so. No appointments today. Got the whole day off.”
“Vinn has one. I saw it on the books.” Sundays are appointment only at Sick Boyz. And the boys do their best to not make any appointments. But even if there’s just one, I have to be there to run the front desk.
“I already told him he’s got to work alone today.”
I raise my eyebrows. “What did he say?”
“What the fuck could he say? You’re mine now and if I say you get a day off, you get a day off.”
“Thanks,” I say. “I didn’t want to go in.”
“Good.” He unleashes one of his most charming Vann Vaughn smiles on me.
“Why? Do we have plans today?”
He shrugs. “Coffee?”
“That goes without saying.” I laugh. “Anything else?”
“Well.” He looks around his room. “I was thinking I’d empty a drawer for you.”
“What?”
“So you can put some cute skirts and knee socks in there.”
“I literally live a hundred feet away.”
“Yeah but…” He grins again. “I was thinking… I might handcuff you to the headboard and not let you go back there.”
“Oh, really?”
“Makes sense to me. And I’ve already told my dad that you’re not paying rent anymore.”
“What? When? How the hell? We’ve been awake for like ten minutes. When did all these convos take place?”
“You’ve been awake for ten minutes. I’ve already eaten breakfast, helped my grandpa pick an outfit for his big date this afternoon with Widow Carlisle, and had the two aforementioned convos with the old man and Vinn.”
“What freaking time is it?”
“Nineish.”
“What time did you wake up?”
“Mm. Five?”
“Jesus Christ, Vann. What’s wrong with you? Was it me? Did I hog the bed? Steal your covers?”
“No. I always get up early.”
“Why?”
He laughs. “Because… because…” He looks down. And is that a blush?
“Because why?”
“I spy on you. Not look through your windows or anything. Just… you know. I want to be there when you come down.”
“Hmm. That’s why you were on the porch yesterday?”
“Yup.”
“But you’re not always on the porch waiting for me.”
“No. Most of the time I work on my bike or fuck around in the garage until I hear you leave your apartment. Then I go inside and watch you from the family room window.”
I almost snort. “But… why?”
He shrugs. “I worry about you. You’ve always been this girl with lots of secrets. And in the early days I always had the feeling that those secrets were trying to eat you away from the inside out. So I liked seeing you in the mornings. It made me feel better.” He pauses and waits for my reaction. “Does it creep you out?”
I picture a seventeen-year-old Vann paying such close attention to me. Worrying about me. C
aring about me. “No,” I finally say. “No. It actually… well. It’s kinda touching. To know that you were so invested. Because, honestly, after my mom and I were separated, I just accepted the fact that no one was invested in me anymore. My one true champion was gone. And I wish I had known this, Vann. I wish I had paid attention to all the ways you loved me.”
He smiles. And it’s a broad, full smile. “That’s not why I did it.” He shakes his head but the smile is still big and wide. “It didn’t matter if you knew. It only mattered that I was there. Just in case, ya know? That’s all. I just wanted to be there. In case you ever needed me.”
Suddenly I can’t breathe. It’s like my lungs forgot how. And then… then… my eyes are filling up with tears.
“Oh, shit,” Vann says. “Are you gonna cry?”
“No,” I say, hastily wiping my eyes. “No. I do not cry.” I sniffle. And wipe my eyes again.
“Then… what are you doing?”
“Just…” I remember how to breathe and take a deep breath and place a hand over my heart. “That’s the sweetest, nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Done for me!”
He chuckles. “Please. It was nothing. The Dumas family saved your life, got you a new identity, and sent your mom to a sweet beach town to start over with a paid-off bed-and-breakfast. I have to admit, I felt a little inadequate when I found all that out.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Tony and Alonzo. They set you up. That’s not an example of not caring, Belinda.”
I shake my head. “That’s not why they did it! They did it to save their own asses and banished me to Colorado!”
“Banished you?” He makes a face. “Come on. You love it here.”
“I do. But that’s not the point.”
“Why isn’t it the point?”
“Because they didn’t ask if I wanted to leave! They made me!”
“Yeah, but it worked out, right? Is that why you’re so closed off?”
“What? How did this get turned around on me? I’m not closed off! I’m… perky! And peppy! I’m cute and adorable!”
“You are,” he says, pointing his finger at me. “All of that. Yes. But Belinda, it took you eight years to give in to me. And I’m not saying that you should’ve taken less time. I was playing a long game. And I wasn’t jealous when you dated all kinds of other random men. Anyone but me. Practically everyone but me.”