by Portia Moore
We all made our way back to the party. Mallory told the boys no more games and that she wanted to dance, so we all made our way to the living room, which had become the designated dance area. Mallory’s favorite song (and apparently the entire senior girls’ class favorite song) by Maroon 5 came on; all of them squealed and began to sing along to the lyrics. I wasn’t the biggest fan of it but I was grateful it was something I could easily move to without looking like a moron. The boys jokingly performed some exaggerated moves, like they were members of a boy band, before retreating to their signature back and forth swaying, letting us girls do most of the work.
After a few songs, Daniel took my hand and led me away towards the basement. I knew he wanted to play ice hockey. James’s parents had a man cave that was enviable: 50-inch flat screen TV, a pool table, skee-ball, table hockey, and two retro arcade games. The basement was usually a main attraction but it was virtually empty, aside from a few guys crowded around the pool table. We made our way to the ice hockey table and I rubbed my hands together in anticipation.
“Oh look at that, you look like you might actually think you’re going to win, Brooks,” Daniel teased.
“You know I am the master of ice hockey,” I said confidently. It was true, I was beyond good and Daniel knew it. He turned it on and we both grabbed the goalies.
“Oh, but I’ve been practicing. Your ass is mine!” he said with a confident smile. I playfully shrugged and blew him a kiss.
“And game!” I shouted, as my puck snuck its way into his slot. I was ecstatic! It was only by one point but I had beat him for the third time in a row. He pouted and folded his arms in defeat. “You’re the man,” he said begrudgingly with a shrug, making his way towards me. I put my arms out wide for him to come give me a hug. He lifted me up in one swoop and I was against his chest, my toes barely touching the floor and my arms wrapped around his neck.
“Nope, not a man at all,” he said with a teasing grin, as his hands pressed against my lower back. I was warm from the tips of my fingers to the bottom of my toes. I gave him a quick kiss; it was meant to be quick but it lingered, my lips on his as I pressed tighter up against him. His lip trapped between my teeth. I felt his hands, bigger than I remember them ever being, clasping the swell where my leg and backside met. I pulled away, but just my lips; our bodies remained close.
I sensed the tension and energy that always crept between us when we had our normal make out sessions. They weren’t as often as Daniel wanted but enough to keep me up at night wondering what would happen if I didn’t stop him. If I let his hand go further up my thigh, if I didn’t pull away from being pressed up against him. Today was different, though. I wasn’t pulling away or telling him we had to get going. The room was quiet, the crowd at the pool table gone. It was just us, alone, the music from upstairs the only thing vibrating through us and the room. My heart was beating faster than it ever had before. I was nervous, anxious, and excited all at once. His eyes locked on mine, squinted slightly with a half of a grin, as if he knew what I was thinking, realizing he’d never gone this far with me. I took in a deep breath and kissed him again, this time slow. I coaxed his tongue into my mouth and when I felt his hardness I didn’t pull away. His breath was heavy now, as if carrying the tension between us.
“Does the door lock?” I breathed out, my voice sounding unfamiliar. He pressed his lips together, showing the one dimple that he always did. He threw his head back in frustration and I knew it didn’t.
“Does it need to?” he asked, his tone sitting between pleading and frustrated.
“Yes,” I snapped immediately. He let out a labored breath and lowered me back to the ground. I took a minute to compose myself, fixing my hair and smoothing my dress down. His arms were folded and I could see for once the annoyance hidden under frustration, and his forced smile. Had it always been there when I stopped things?
“Daniel,” I said quietly, and just like that the annoyance was gone, replaced by the boyish grin I fell in love with.
“Let’s get back to the party,” he said, pulling my hand behind him. I followed him in silence, a million thoughts going through my head, but I knew I had to say it before I lost my nerve.
“Or we could go to my house?” He stopped dead in his tracks and looked back at me. I forced myself to refrain from laughing out of nervousness, and tried to look sexy.
“Auntie Raven isn’t home. She won’t be until Sunday,” I said quietly, in a voice I thought would sound seductive. His eyes widened and his dimple was showing again so I guess I did it right.
“You sure?” he asked, making it clear that this wouldn’t be a chaste sleepover, but there would be a promise. I swallowed the lingering doubt that had been gnawing at me from when I saw him approach us earlier. The way the beautiful blonde glared at me, not Mallory. Like she held a secret I should know but didn’t. A big part of me wanted me to ask him about her but there was another part just as big that didn’t want to. Not yet.
“I am.”
Daniel had been in my house a million times. He’d been up my stairs the same amount, in my room at least once a week… but it was different today. As he sat on my bed, I approached him cautiously. We both knew this was not the same. My hands felt shaky, my body felt light, and my voice was gone.
“You okay?” he asked softly. Softer than he had ever spoken to me before. I nodded. It was dark, aside from my lamp in the corner of the room.
“Yeah. Just thinking,” I answered, sounding awkward to myself. He let out a light chuckle.
“Come here,” he said, sounding more like himself. It eased my nerves. I walked over and sat on the bed next to him.
“Lauren,” he began, taking my hand in his. He never really said my name; he always called me Brooks, beautiful, or babe.
“Nothing has to happen that you don’t want. You know me,” he told me, turning my face towards his. I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him gently on the lips. The kiss was different from how it was earlier. Then it was full of need, lust, and fueled by anxiousness. My body wanted it then but my heart didn’t. But now, as he kissed me back gently, I knew there was no one else I wanted to experience my first time with.
I climbed on top of Daniel and edged my fingertips through his hair. Soon I felt his strong arms pull me closer to him. I tugged at his shirt, the urgency starting to grow. He slowly pulled my dress over my head, and I sat there on top of him, wearing the lingerie set I had looked at earlier. It was really happening.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, kissing my shoulder and neck. I pulled his shirt over his head and admired the chest sculpted from daily drills in basketball practice. He was stunning—fit to be on the cover of any teen magazine—and he was mine. I reached for my purse, but he expertly reached into his pocket and tore the square foil packet with his teeth. I held him by his neck.
“You sure?” he whispered into my neck.
“Yes.” And I was sure. As he moved into me, and with me, even though it hurt like hell, it felt like love. And that’s all I could ever ask him for.
I awoke the next morning. Daniel was asleep despite the beaming sun shining down on us. I kissed him lightly on the cheek but he still didn’t stir. My eyes roamed his lean long body, barely covered by my sheet. I really did have a naked boy in my bed.
I had sex!
Me!
I lifted myself out of bed and went to the bathroom. As I brushed my teeth and showered, I thought about how different things were going to be now. I went back upstairs and saw that Daniel was still fast asleep. I grabbed my phone and noticed I had four missed calls, one from Auntie Raven and three from Mallory. I immediately felt guilty seeing my auntie’s name. Not because of what I had done, but the fact that Daniel was still sprawled out in my bed naked. I quickly decided to call Auntie Raven after Daniel was up and out of the house. My phone rang again before I could decide if I would call Mallory back or not.
“Soo!” she squealed excitedly into the phone.
“So what?” I asked casually, as I attempted to fight the laughter trying to escape.
“What do you mean so? Did you do the deed?” she asked urgently. I let out a deep breath, stepping out of the room once again.
“Maybe,” I said simply.
“You did! O-M-G, welcome to womanhood, my friend! How was it? Tell me everything!” she demanded.
“I’m not telling you everything.” I giggled and I could practically hear her pout. “It was nice, it was special.”
“Ugh, special, really Lauren? You think those are the details I want to know?” She laughed. “Only you could suck the fun out of a first-time story,” she teased me, and I rolled my eyes but I wasn’t even irritated with her. After last night, nothing could ruin my mood.
“Well whether it was good or not, I think you made the right choice. He’s hung in there even when you didn’t sleep with him after junior prom. It’s only fair you give it up to him because it’s better than having a drunken one-night-stand when you’re in college.”
“There’s not going to be any drunken one-night-stands. Me and Daniel... we’re…” I trailed off. I didn’t know why I was so hesitant to tell her. “We have a future, this isn’t just some high school thing.” I told her confidently.
“You’re kidding, right?” she said with a laugh.
“Wow, so I guess there isn’t going to be a ‘You’re right, Lauren, you guys are great together’ convo huh?” I joke.
“No I mean it’s just… it’s Danny we’re talking about.”
“Right, Daniel, who I’ve been friends with since I was knee-high and who has practically been my boyfriend since the first grade,” I said, just a slither of sharpness in my tone.
“It’s just… Daniel isn’t… I know you know him as your boyfriend but… the Danny that I know is barely ready to be someone’s high school boyfriend let alone a long-distance college one. And he’s going to straight up party USA… I thought if anything, if you did it, it would be more of a goodbye parting gift and not the segue into matrimony.”
My stomach was on a seesaw. I swallowed the nerves that were fighting to come up from my chest to my stomach.
“I didn’t say we were getting married, it was just that how we were last night, he said he didn’t want to be with anyone else but me. I love him. Is it so bad to be hopeful, optimistic?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m just saying that you’re both young. You haven’t even slept with anyone other than him. You don’t know anyone other than him. You’re going to CSU next year. He’ll be in Michigan. You’re an artist; Danny likes football, alcohol, and girls gone wild.”
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I didn’t want to get mad. I was trying not to but I felt anger and hurt in every fiber of my being. Like I just got slapped in the face. Still, it was Mal, and I knew that she spoke before she thought. When I attempted to speak I knew my voice was going to quake. The nerve endings in all of my body were on fire, urging me to move. She was just jealous! She had to be, right? I ignored the gnawing in my chest. Wasn’t what happened last night magical and amazing… and just the beginning of something great?
“We’re different, yes, but what couple isn’t? It would be boring if we liked all of the same things, but I love him and he loves me and it’s going to work.”
There’s silence on the other end of the phone. I checked to make sure the call didn’t drop.
“I think you’re being an idiot.” The coldness in her voice sent a shiver through me, and my mouth fell open.
“Excuse me?” I said, knowing that I couldn’t have heard her correctly.
“I am so tired of you walking around like you’re so much better than everyone.”
Her tone was so full of spite, I almost dropped the phone.
“What are you talking about? I don’t think that I’m better than anyone!”
“You’ve always had this superiority complex and it’s so annoying! You’re no different than any other girl, Lauren. Just because you gave away your special virginity, it’s not going to make a manwhore turn into a priest!” she spouted sharply.
“Are you kidding?” I asked, thinking it was a big joke and I was on some hidden camera TV show.
“You know the girl from yesterday?” She laughed bitterly.
“What girl, what are you talking about?” I asked, completely confused.
“The Bryer whore, Jessica. She wasn’t there for James. She was there for Danny! Because while Danny’s been waiting on you to give him your precious flower, he’s been screwing her.”
My mouth was open but no words were coming out. My throat was tight and tears were fighting their way out of my eyes all at once.
“Oh, and by the way, I went down on Danny. It was freshman year and I did it because he told me he would be my boyfriend and he lied, and then the next week he made you his girlfriend. And when I confronted him about it he said it was because I was a slut and he wanted someone innocent like you.” She was laughing viciously now. “Only thing is, you’re not innocent—you’re naïve and he’s liar! So you’re perfect for each other. I wasn’t going to say anything but you need to wake up from your perfect little fantasy land. You’re not a special princess, you’re just like the rest of us. So grow up!”
I dropped the phone after that, unsure of who ended the call. I was breathing so hard I saw my chest heaving. I was so angry I was shaking. Tears of rage and shame cascaded down my face. My best friend, or who I thought was my best friend, hated me for God knows how long… and the man I just gave my virginity to had been cheating on me!
This wasn’t happening, it wasn’t real. It was a joke. They were playing a joke on me, a cruel joke that I wouldn’t forgive either of them for. When I made my way back up to my room, I saw Daniel was up and tapping into his phone.
“Hey, you,” he said chipperly, until he saw my face. He jumped out of the bed and rushed over to me.
“Babe, what’s wrong?!” He pulled me into his arms and I wanted to close my eyes and savor the moment. Being in the arms of a boy I thought loved me, who had been my best friend, my first kiss, my first everything. I hoped with all that was in me I was wrong, but I knew after that moment nothing would be the same.
“I talked to Mallory,” I told him, my face buried in his chest, and I felt his body slightly stiffen.
“And what happened, you guys fought?” he asked cautiously, but continued to stroke my back. It felt like a knife, one so sharp that you didn’t know it cut you until it was too late. I used all the energy I had to pull away from him.
“She told me about Jessica.” My voice sounded broken. Daniel looked at me with confusion until I said her name; he stepped away from me but quickly regained his composure.
“You cheated on me?” I asked, not able to stop the tears coming out of my eyes.
“I-It wasn’t cheating, really. It wasn’t like that. I messed up, and you weren’t ready. I didn’t want to pressure you!”
“Get out!” I yelled, my throat burning.
“No. I’m not leaving. It’s not what you think, she wasn’t just some random girl I snuck around on you with...” His tone was so genuine it made me want to vomit.
“I… Jessica knows about you and… I really want us all to…” he trailed off, pacing himself. Was he serious? Why is he even still in front of me? He thinks it makes it better that he cares about her? That broke my heart even more.
“I want us to be together, just once.”
I didn’t know if he was serious, I didn’t know if any of what was happening was real. It couldn’t be. No way was he asking me what it sounded like he was asking me. He came towards me but I stepped back in horror.
“You’re seriously asking me to have a threesome with you?”
“Look, babe, it’s not that big of a deal. I just thought that you would be really into it and it could be another first for us,” he said with a straight face. I started to laugh. Laughter collided against tears and introduced itself to fury.
I couldn’t look at his beautiful face any longer. My eyes traveled down to the spot he was sitting in. The exact spot on my bed where I had given him my virginity just a few hours before. That night, beautiful words had flowed from his plump lips. Soft touches and sweet kisses. He had gently told me pretty lies. God, I was so stupid! This wasn’t what I wanted, this wasn’t love, this was nothing like what my parents had! This was a horror movie, not a romance novel.
My nails dug into my palm as I balled up my fist. I kept hoping that it was a joke. That he’d start laughing at any moment and call me gullible, and Mallory and James would be downstairs pointing and laughing about how they got me. But that wasn’t going to happen. It was real and it was the most painful thing I’d ever experienced.
I had no words, but he didn’t take that as a signal to leave or apologize. He just stood there, continuing to try to make his case.
“It’s not just about me, L,” he sighed. “All my friends have done it... I waited for you for so long. We should take it to the next level before it’s too late. We’re both going to college next year and neither one of us want to go with barely any experience. Besides, my brother told me that most girls at college are bisexual. It would be more special if we did it together.”
I clenched my teeth so hard that I was slightly nervous they would break. My devastation was morphing, turning into rage. “Special. Just like when we gave each other our virginity?”
His soft, boyish features shifted until they were guilty and irritated. He shrugged as he said, “You were my first, Lauren. The first girl I ever slept with that I loved.”