by Stella Hart
“Yes. So much,” I murmured drowsily. “So fucking much.”
“You’re not just talking about tonight, are you?”
“No. My whole life. Everything is so…” I paused and let out a shaky breath. “I always feel so bad. I’m fucked up.”
“Then you should leave Avalon, shouldn’t you?” he said, lips on my neck. His stubble scratched against my skin, making goosebumps break out across my shoulders and chest. “Before I have to hurt you again.”
“Leaving won’t help. It won’t make me feel better. But this—” Every inch of my body suddenly contracted and squeezed, wound so tightly that I felt it might combust at any second. “This works. This is the only thing that makes me feel better.”
Nate’s electrifying touch was a drug, and I couldn’t get enough. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I actually wanted him.
But this wasn’t real desire or passion. This was fake. A dream, totally detached from reality.
Real passion didn’t hurt. It didn’t ambush you in the night and force you to your knees. It didn’t sneak into your room, wrap its cold hands around your throat, and whisper threats in your ear.
“You’re seriously crazy, aren’t you?” Nate said. “Totally fucked up.”
“No. I only want you like this because you’re not real,” I whispered as the pads of his fingers played me like the strings of an instrument. One finger slipped inside me, eliciting a whimper from my lips as sparks shot through my core.
Then it finally happened. An orgasm rocketed through me, making me sputter and pant like crazy as my body shuddered all over the bed.
When the pleasure had faded, I sank my head back into my pillow and smiled. “I like the imaginary version of you so much better,” I murmured, eyelids heavy with sleep.
When I finally managed to open my eyes again, the specter of Nate had vanished. The colors and stars had disappeared from my room as well, and I was no longer paralyzed.
Definitely a dream, I told myself. But then I noticed that my pajama pants were on the floor beside the bed, and my thighs were damp with arousal that had dripped from between my legs.
Shame and guilt immediately swept through me.
Nate’s presence in my room might’ve been imaginary, but the exhilarating climax I experienced from dreaming of him… that was all-too real.
I awoke the next morning to a loud rapping at my door. With a groan, I got out of bed, put my pajama pants back on, and padded over to open it.
A tall redheaded man stood outside, holding a package. “Alexis Livingston?”
I nodded. “That’s me. But I didn’t order anything.”
“I think it’s a gift,” he said. “Sign here, please.”
I took his pen, signed the paper on the clipboard he presented to me, and carried the box back into my dorm. My heart raced as I eyed it, wondering if I should even open it. For all I knew, it was a bomb from Nate, and the second I opened it my body would be blown to smithereens.
I spied a small note taped to the other side. When I read it, my erratic heartbeat calmed right down.
Hey,
Hope this isn’t too weird – I got your dorm number from the admin office downstairs. Just thought you might need a little something to make your day better.
Harry
Inside the box was a brand-new phone, along with a note explaining that it was attached to a new SIM card with a two-year prepaid plan which included unlimited data, calls and texts. It was also pre-loaded with the most popular apps. All I needed to do was turn it on and log in to the cloud to download all my old photos, messages, and other information.
“Holy shit,” I whispered as I switched it on. What an amazing gift. It was almost enough to make me forget why I needed a new phone in the first place.
Almost.
There was a contact already saved in the phone—Harry—along with a message from him.
You’re welcome :)
My fingers hovered over the keyboard as I hesitated, biting my bottom lip. I wanted to message Harry back and ask him out to thank him, but I was worried about what Nate might do if he saw me openly dating someone, seeing as he’d made it clear that he wanted to make my life a living hell from now on.
Would he tell Harry about the blowjob I gave him in the gazebo on the same night we met, just to make me look bad? Or worse, would he tell him my secret?
I took a deep, cleansing breath. No. I wasn’t going to let Nate break me. I wasn’t going to let him stop me from having fun and hanging out with a guy who actually deserved my company, either.
Fuck you, Nate.
My fingers flew over the phone keyboard, typing out a grateful message to Harry. Then I hit send before I could change my mind. There. Done. Harry and I would be seeing each other again soon.
It was just too bad that I was still thinking of Nate…
8
Alexis
Ruby leaned forward, eyes glittering with curiosity. “So… how are things going with Harry?”
Laurel raised a brow in my direction, clearly curious as well.
The two of them were sitting across from me in the alfresco area of a popular campus café. It was a quaint little place with tiny espresso cups and tiny tables to match, meaning we were all awkwardly close with our elbows almost touching as we sipped our drinks.
“We’ve been texting nonstop. I know basically everything about him at this point,” I said. “But we still haven’t seen each other yet. Do you think that’s weird?”
Ruby’s brows shot up. “Wait, you still haven’t seen him since the last time I asked?”
“Nope.”
“But it’s been eleven days since you met, right?”
I gave her a rueful smile. “Twelve, actually.”
She frowned. “So it’s been nearly two weeks and he hasn’t asked you out on a single date yet? Not even something basic, like coffee or a walk around the campus?”
“It’s not like that,” I said, leaning back in my chair. “He’s asked me out a ton of times. I’ve asked to see him too. It’s more of a scheduling issue.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, stuff like this keeps happening. I’ll get out of a two-hour lecture and find a missed call from him along with a message asking if I want to grab lunch or a drink somewhere, and the message and call will be from over an hour and a half ago. By the time I reply saying I’m finally free, he’s already busy again in one of his own classes.”
“Oh, damn. That sucks.”
“I know. We’ve gone over our schedules before, and they don’t match up at all.”
“Ugh. He’s an engineering student, right?” Ruby asked.
“Yup.”
“My older sister did engineering when she was here, and her class schedule was insane,” she said. “It’s not easy.”
“Yeah, it sucks.”
“Harry seems to like you, though. Like you said, he texts you nonstop.”
“Yeah. I just hope we can actually see each other soon.”
She smiled, and a devious expression entered her eyes. “Well, if he doesn’t get his act together and make time for you in the next few days, you can always find someone else to hook up with. Like Nate Lockwood, maybe.”
A shiver went over my skin. “What?”
“Haven’t you noticed that guy?” she asked, tipping her head toward her right. “I think he has a major thing for you. Everywhere we go, he’s there. He’s always looking at you, too.”
I turned my head to follow her gaze over to Blackthorne’s main quad. It lay just beyond the café, with trees, stone benches, gardens, cobblestone paths, and even a koi pond for students to enjoy. Rust-colored leaves were piled and strewn everywhere around the deciduous trees, and the few leaves that were still attached were hanging on by a thread, just waiting to be liberated by the next burst of cold fall wind.
Nate was sitting on one of the benches near the pond, one foot lazily kicking at some of the crunchy dead leaves on the ground as he
read from a thick textbook. As I looked over at him, he lifted his chin and focused on me, brows dipping low.
I swallowed thickly and averted my eyes. “I can’t stand him,” I said, turning back to the girls.
“Seriously?” Ruby’s forehead wrinkled. “Why? He’s so hot!”
“I guess he’s not my type,” I said. I couldn’t exactly tell her the truth, could I?
She laughed. “Bullshit. He’s everyone’s type!” She nudged Laurel. “Even you think so, right?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Laurel asked, raising a brow.
“It means that you hate pretty much everyone on the planet,” Ruby said with a grin. “But even you can admit that Nate Lockwood is hot, right?”
Laurel rolled her eyes in a good-natured manner and smiled. “Yeah, I guess he’s pretty decent-looking.”
Ruby turned her attention back to me. “See? Everyone’s type.”
“Not mine,” I said stiffly. “I just want to see Harry.”
“Oh, he’s right there!” Ruby craned her neck, eyes focusing on a spot behind me. “Look!”
I turned to see Harry trudging up a path about twenty yards away, arms laden with books. He appeared to be heading toward the Montgomery lecture theater.
I waved a hand at him. “Harry!”
His head turned very slightly in my direction, but then his eyes snapped back to the front, and he kept walking.
My shoulders slumped. “That was weird.”
“I don’t think he saw you,” Ruby said, watching Harry disappear around a corner. “Also, it’s really loud at this café. He probably didn’t hear you calling out to him.”
“Hm. Maybe,” I murmured.
My phone vibrated a minute later. I frowned and looked down at the screen. “Speak of the devil. It’s him.”
Harry: Hey, were you just at the café near the library?
I tapped out a brief reply.
Me: Yes. I waved at you, but I thought you didn’t see me.
Harry: Shit. Sorry. I ran out of contacts, so I’ve been wearing my glasses for the last couple of days, and I hate wearing them outside in this weather because they always fog up (yes I know how nerdy that sounds…)
Anyway, I was heading to class and thought I heard someone call my name, but I looked over and all I could see were blurry shapes, and no one came up to me. So I figured I was just hearing things. But then I realized it might’ve been you, because I remembered you saying you love the coffee at that place.
Me: Yup, it was me, haha.
Harry: Sorry. I promise I wasn’t ignoring you! Feel like such a dick now.
I showed the messages to Laurel and Ruby.
“See?” Ruby said, holding up her hands in a triumphant ‘told you so’ gesture. “He didn’t see you, that’s all!”
“Yeah. This is why I usually don’t date, though,” I said with a frown. “Too much time spent wondering and worrying about guys when I should be focusing on other stuff.”
“Honestly, don’t worry about it so much,” Laurel said. “Men aren’t the whole point of your existence. You’re here to study and learn.”
“Thanks, Mom,” Ruby said with a giggle. Laurel playfully elbowed her. “Anyway,” Ruby went on, looking back at me. “You should ask Harry if he wants to hang out tonight. He won’t have any classes then, will he? So he has no reason to say no.”
“That’s true. And yes, Laurel, I’ll make sure to have all my class readings done by the time I go out,” I said, flashing her a teasing smile.
I sent Harry another message. Don’t feel bad, not your fault. I know you’re about to start a class, so you’re not free now, but how about later tonight? We could go into town and grab dinner somewhere?
His response came through instantly. I’d love to, but I’ll be on my way to Seattle.
Me: What for?
Harry: Engineering Games. It starts tomorrow morning, so my team is heading there later today. We’ll be back on Sunday night.
Me: Engineering Games?
Harry: It’s a competition. Pretty fun. Basically, colleges from all over the country send teams to complete design challenges and stuff like that. Winning team gets fifty grand for a research grant.
Me: Sounds cool.
Harry: You should come! We’ll be busy at the event for most of the day tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday, but there’s always the night :) And I’m sure my teammates won’t mind if I sneak out of the hotel room for a couple of hours to hang out with you. You can just skip your classes tomorrow and catch up on the work later, right?
I frowned and chewed the inside of my cheek as I thought about my answer. Seattle was a two-hour ferry ride from Avalon City, so it took almost three hours to get there when you counted the drive from Arcadia Bay to the Avalon City ferry terminal.
As much as I liked Harry, I wasn’t going to ditch my Friday classes and go all the way over to the mainland just for a hookup. Especially when Harry was going to be busy for the vast majority of the trip, leaving me to sit in a hotel or wander Seattle alone.
Me: No, you should focus on your competition. Don’t want to let the team down. We’ll hang out another time.
Harry: Okay. Talk soon :)
I sighed and put my phone away. There was a strange churning feeling deep in my gut. Even though Harry had gifted me the phone and messaged me all the time, I couldn’t help but feel as if I were being blown off.
When I was a bit younger, Sascha told me that the only dating advice I needed was this: If someone was genuinely interested in me and wanted to see me, I’d never doubt it or question it. Not even for a second.
With Harry, I was starting to question it.
It was hard to put my finger on the exact feeling I got from his behavior, because he wasn’t outright avoiding me. It was just that he was never available at the same time as me, ever, and he only seemed to invite me to things that I was likely to say no to. Like the last-minute Seattle trip, for instance.
On the other hand, why would he buy me a two-thousand-dollar phone if he wasn’t actually interested in me? Men didn’t do stuff like that for girls they never wanted to see again, did they?
Then again, he was in a Blackthorne frat. Even though it was supposedly the lowest-tier one, I knew a guy still had to be uber-rich to get accepted into any of them. So maybe the phone wasn’t the sweet gesture I initially assumed it was. Maybe it didn’t mean much at all to Harry, because a few thousand dollars was just a drop in the bucket to him.
And there it is again, I told myself, pursing my lips. This is why I don’t bother dating. Too much worrying, and not enough focus on the stuff that actually matters.
Laurel was right earlier. I needed to focus on my studies—and also my dad’s case—from now on. If Harry was truly into me, I’d find out eventually.
“We should get going,” Ruby said, glancing at her watch. “The theater always fills up so fast.”
The three of us shared an Intro to Critical Thinking class on Thursday mornings. It was a compulsory course for all first-semester freshmen, so the lecture theaters were always packed. We had to arrive fifteen minutes early just to be able to get seats next to each other.
“Today, we’re going to be focusing on cognitive biases,” our professor began twenty minutes later, when the theater was jam-packed.
She started going through information written on PowerPoint slides that were projected onto a massive screen at the front of the room. I concentrated on taking notes, forgetting all about my issues outside of the class.
“So these systematic errors in the thinking process can end up causing—” The professor stopped abruptly and frowned as her PowerPoint slides suddenly switched off. “Sorry, everyone,” she said. “Something’s gone wrong with the computer. I might need a minute to fix it.”
She busied herself with the computer, aided by one of her TAs. While the rest of us sat and waited, several students pulled out their cellphones to check for messages or scroll through social media.
&n
bsp; A shocked titter arose from a group of people in the middle of the room, and hushed murmurs spread throughout the lecture theater after that. More and more students pulled their phones out, raising their brows and clapping their hands over their mouths after looking at their screens.
“What’s going on?” I whispered to Laurel and Ruby as a few heads turned to stare in our direction. Within seconds, those turned heads had multiplied, and at least fifty people were looking right at me.
Ruby grabbed her cell and clicked a couple of buttons. Her face paled after a moment of staring at the screen, and she lifted a hand to cover her mouth. “Oh, shit,” she said, voice barely above a whisper.
“What is it?” Laurel asked. I craned my neck to look as well.
“Nothing. Don’t look at it,” Ruby said, abruptly turning her phone off and shoving it in her coat pocket. “I think we should leave.”
Too curious to let it go, I grabbed my own phone and switched on the screen.
An email had been sent from an anonymous account to the entire Blackthorne student and staff directory. The subject heading was ‘Blackthorne Student Gone Wild’.
When I clicked into the email, a short video started playing on the screen. The sound was automatically off, but there were helpful subtitles to guide the viewer, in case the lewd footage wasn’t a good enough indication of the content.
A naked man was on the screen, stroking his cock as he knelt on a bed. A nude brunette girl crouched in front of him on the bed, cupping his balls. She wore a black studded collar around her neck.
“Come on, slut,” the man said, one hand threading in the girl’s wavy hair. “You better get this cock nice and wet, because it’s going in your ass next.”
The girl started slobbering all over his cock, lifting her hips and ass high in the air so that the viewer could see every inch of her body from behind. Then the camera angle shifted, showing the man behind her. “You asked for this, slut,” he said, big hands spreading her ass cheeks. “You’ve been a bad girl, haven’t you? You don’t deserve to have me in your pussy.”