by H M Angues
“I thought I told you that you're not even a prince? We are far from equals, and it has nothing to do with friendship, or whatever. There’s a lot more going on here than that and you know it.”
“Really? Because, right now, we’re standing in a secret Underground city while war rages on two fronts, a madwoman and prison escapee is on the loose, and your biggest concern is my brother’s innocence? There sure as hell is a lot more going on, Calla, and you’re ignoring all of it.”
Her lower lip trembles, but her stare never falters.
“Ry,” Kainan says, taking a step forward. Fay does the opposite, disappearing into the bedroom to get as far away from the altercation as possible. Blade starts to move closer to Calla, and Kainan looks about ready to put himself between us. I want to punch him, to beat him senseless for all that he’s done to me, and watched be done to me. I want to kill him in the most painful possible way.
And I don’t back down. “Next time you use your title as emperor, Calla, make sure you’re not such a shitty one. Your father would be ashamed.”
My words strike her hard, the blow likely devastating. In the moment, I don't care. I know I just tore open that piece of her that longs for her father and rubbed salt in the wound, and I'm proud of that.
But, as I walk away, I want to turn back and run to Calla, hold her in my arms, and tell her how much I care for her, how sorry I am, even though she probably hates me now. I want to explain that my feelings for her grew so rapidly, like a wildfire through a dry field of grass, and that I’m just so overwhelmed by the heat of emotions it brings on that I don’t know what to do with them. I want her to know that my outburst was mostly fueled by the anger that had rushed over me when I saw Kainan, and I was just lashing out at the closest person, which only happened to be her. I want her to know that, even if she doesn’t return my feelings, I want to be there for her.
I want to turn around and tell her that I only got angry because I think I’m in love with her, and because my brother brings out my worst, and that my emotions are a wild mess right now. But I stop in my tracks, remembering words I said to her weeks ago.
Don’t let them teach you that anger and love are the same thing.
And I did more than get angry at her. I knew what would upset her and chose to use it, chose to hurt her. It’s like someone had placed a flower and a dagger before me and asked me to pick which one to use... and I chose the dagger.
What I really want to do is turn around and get down on my knees to beg for her forgiveness, even though I don’t deserve it.
∞∞∞
Fayette is the one to find me standing on one of Drakonis’ many balconies that overlook the city’s center. I lean against the wall lining the edge, taking in the beauty of all that’s laid out before me.
“What do you want?” I snap without even looking at her.
She joins me at the edge, resting her elbows on the stone wall separating us from a very long and fatal fall. “I want to tell you that it was quite admirable, what you did back there. No one ever stands up to her. Blade practically worships the ground she walks on, and my father would follow her into the deepest pit of hell if she asked him to. Someone needed to bring her down a few notches.”
I clench my hands into tight fists. Fayette was supposed to be kind, to be one of Calla’s oldest friends. I hurt her back there, and Fay is calling it admirable? Whatever she may think, I’m still ashamed.
“Why?” I ask, barely able to conceal my rising temper. “She’s the emperor.”
“Not to me. I follow my own path. I don’t need politicians or self-righteous leaders to tell me how my life should be lived.”
“I thought you and Calla were friends?” I turn to look at her and take in the expression on her face.
Anger. Jealousy anger.
“We were. When we were young. Now we’re both adults, we can think for ourselves. And I decided that I didn’t want an emperor doing the thinking for me.”
Chapter 17
Kainan
I slide my hands over Calla’s shoulders, pressing my torso against her back and resting my chin on top of her head. The physical contact feels... natural, like holding her is what I was born to do. Well, considering that she’s my Flame and some supernatural bond created by whatever gods exist binds us together through heart, mind, and soul, then yeah, I was born to do this. I met her just a couple days ago, but it feels like I’ve known her—been searching for her—my entire life. Having her with me now is the closest I’ve ever felt to being at home.
But, I’ve got to keep up my tough-guy persona, so I bury all of that somewhere deep in my mind to prevent her from finding it. It doesn’t matter how I feel, anyway. She has no love for me, and I don’t want to force her to do or feel anything. Most of all, I don’t want to destroy the friendship she has with Blade and my brother. Even though that outburst of his makes it seem like I’m doing exactly that.
He lashed out at her because he was angry over seeing me. It’s the same kind of thing our father used to do; lash out at the two of us when Mother was making him angry. Clearly, no one was around to teach Ry how to treat a woman, which is partly my fault for leaving him all those years ago.
Blade had stayed only for a few moments after Ryse left. It was clear that he felt awkward, and that he was a little hurt that Calla had been keeping secrets from him, so he had left without a word to either of us.
“He’s right,” Calla mumbles into my forearm where it sits against her chin. “I’ve been ignoring my responsibilities to the empire and focusing on stupid personal problems.”
“That’s as accurate as saying I’m confident in my manhood.”
A small laugh escapes her lips, and I can’t help but smile knowing that I took even a small portion of her pain away.
“Honestly, Cal,” I continue, “you have every right to take some personal time. The Concilium and the military officials know how to do their jobs without you for a couple of weeks. They understand that you’re still grieving, and that you’re young.” I add jokingly, “Even though you don’t look nineteen. Seriously, all that stress on your features makes you look forty. Ramsey is like, what, five-hundred-years-old? And man, she actually looks great for her age. Maybe I can get her to loan you some of her anti-aging creams.”
Her laugh is louder now, the small apartment filling with the sound. I laugh quietly with her, enjoying the musicality of her voice in such a happy, joyous state.
Then, taking me off guard, she wrenches herself out of my arms. I open my mouth to protest but decide against it.
“Not even a week ago, I wanted you dead,” she says regretfully. “I would have killed you without giving it a second thought. Now I’m standing with you in my living room like we’ve known each other our entire lives.” Her voice trails off at the end. She shakes her head. “I just... it’s too much.”
Her words sting, but I push the feeling aside. “You wouldn’t have killed me. Even if we weren’t mates, that’s not who you are. Hate me? Yes, but not kill me.” I move a few inches closer to her, but she steps back. “I can’t help it, Calla. I’m sorry. But, if you want me to back off, I’ll try.”
She nods. “Please.”
I oblige, feeling all the warmth that’s been in me since meeting Calla leave my body, like the ancient Eterran gods are punishing me for letting her go. The pain in my chest worsens further, near the point of crippling agony. I have to fight to stay standing and wonder if she feels it, too.
There’s a knock at the door, surprising us both. I startle, but quickly recompose myself before Calla answers it. It’s my little brother.
“Calla,” he breathes as he nears her. “I’m so sorry, Calla. I didn’t mean a word of it. I was just... I was upset at seeing Kainan. My emotions have been boiling over lately, and that just made it worse. I know it’s no excuse, but I just needed you to know that I’m sorry, so very sorry.”
I slip inside her head, proud of myself for how good I’m getting at it and am shocked by what I
find. I ignore the pang of guilt for going against her wishes, but I swear to myself that this is the last time, that I’ll back off after this.
My heart shatters.
He hurt her worse than I thought. Her greatest fear is not being good enough for Namari, and he just told her she wasn't. Yet, still, she wants to forgive him. It's easier, she thinks, than fighting him more. She shouldn't just let it go, and she knows that. I know that. But, still, I should let her offer forgiveness, if that's what she wants.
Yet... I can’t. I have both witnessed and experienced cruelty my entire life. I've watched my father tear my mother to shreds, and today I saw him in Rysen. I can't let her forgive him, even if it is wrong to manipulate her decision.
“I think the two of you need to distance yourselves from each other,” I say, clearing my throat. “You grew close over the death of a mutual loved one. But you didn’t really know each other. Ryse, you have too many expectations, none of which Calla plans on meeting for you. I think you need to take a few steps back before your behavior escalates. Abusive friendships can be just as damaging as an abusive relationship.”
Ryse looks prepared to fight me over the words I just said; Calla, however, is as unreadable as stone, shoulders sagging.
I watch intently as Ry clenches his fingers into a fist. His jaw tightens as he looks to her and says, “What do you think?”
Calla bites her lip. I’m still in her head, feeling the longing she feels. How desperately she wants to disappear, to forget abut Rysen... and me.
I focus on her. “Calla, you need to focus on your empire. Not petty disputes between those around you. Your well-being and Namari are the most important.”
With a pained sigh, Calla nods. “All right.”
Rysen is still tense as he remains silent.
My little brother always looked at me with disgust and anger, but never in the way he does now. I just convinced the girl he thinks he loves to essentially cut him out of her life, even if it’s only temporary. If he didn’t hate me absolutely before, then he does now.
∞∞∞
Ryse decides it would be best that he stay in Drakonis, so Fayette finds him a nice apartment near the city center. The next four days are spent moving his belongings from Stonefire to his new place, and then getting him settled in.
On the fifth day since Ryse’s emotional explosion—that I facilitated, betraying my resolve to not come between Calla and her friends—I find myself sitting at a small café in the city with my younger brother, gulping down a too-hot coffee that’s more creamer than anything else. The burning sensation in my throat is a good distraction. Ryse asked me to come because he wants to talk. I sit in silence, waiting for him to do said talking.
“Do I even want to know why you were staying in Calla’s apartment, of all places? And why she seems to trust you more than me?” he snaps.
I blink in surprise. She never told him about the bond. Well, that’s going to make tiptoeing around things a lot more difficult. So, I stick to the tried and true, “It’s hard to explain,” excuse.
“Try.” His stare is threatening, angry. The last time I saw Rysen in person, he was seven. Now, he’s all grown up, a man of twenty-one years old. He’s taller than me, and his years of training with the Guardsmen in Roran has made him much bigger, too. I don’t doubt that he could beat me in a fight.
I’m not going to make him stop hating me; his view of who he thinks I am is too cemented in his mind. It’ll be easier for him—for both of us—if I just let him despise me, rather than try to change his position. For the time being, at least. His anger at me will destroy Calla’s trust in him, and I don't want her letting him back in just so he can hurt her again.
“I guess she just prefers men to boys like you.” I sip my hot drink.
I probably shouldn’t have said that, though, but part of me meant it. Part of me is angry at him for daring to yell at her, and for thinking he can mistreat people the same way Father did. I worry that one day he might lay hands on someone, too.
Rysen lunges across the table, his fist connecting with my jaw. I tumble out of my chair from the force of the hit, scrambling to get to my feet. He hits me again, the impact reverberating through my skull. Again. I let him throw his punches without putting up a fight. He needs to release his anger somehow, and it’s better he beats me than Cal, or anyone else.
I lose count of the number of hits when someone body-slams Ry to the ground.
∞∞∞
I pull myself onto my hands and knees just in time to see a fiery fist connect with my brother’s jaw. Calla forces him to his feet and—without even a hint of her characteristic gentle tenderness—does the same to me, dragging the two of us away from the growing crowd of onlookers.
She takes us to the Council Hall, the closest place that will be entirely vacant at this time. Her voice echoes off the cavernous chamber walls, making her all the more intimidating.
“The two of you are acting like children! Distance was supposed to make things easier. Do I need to assign Guardsmen to you to keep you in line?” she scolds like an angry mother. She places her hands on her hips, amber eyes burning into each of us.
“If you heard what he said, Calla—” Rysen begins.
“I know what he said!” she interrupts. She starts to pace across the stone floor, rubbing her temple with her hands. Some time passes before she speaks again. “Most of Roran is completely under the Uprising’s control, save for Drakonis and the city of Wraike just beyond these mountains. It’s beginning to spread, and even the Underground is losing men and women to join Ramsey’s ranks. I don’t know how she’s convincing them since we’ve been unable to make contact, but she’s very enticing to the people in the Province.
“If Wraike is taken by her army, which is growing ever more likely by the second, we evacuate Drakonis of all civilians and nonessential personnel. Whoever wants to stay may do so. As far as I know, she has no idea Drakonis exists. I’m going back to the palace. The two of you can stay or come with me, it’s up to you. But I’m not coming back, not for a while. And I don’t have the time or patience to deal with fights between you two, so get over whatever it is driving you to tear each other apart. Understood?”
I nod, and so does Ryse. I feel him glance in my direction, at my split lip and bleeding nose. Luckily, it seems nothing is broken. My younger brother straightens himself and says, “I’m staying here. I’ll work with Fayette and her father as best I can.”
Calla looks to me. I don’t try to see what she’s thinking or feeling. I’ve managed to avoid her mind entirely for these last few days. I find myself missing the subconscious presence of her more and more each day. We haven’t even been dragged into each other’s nightmares, something I never thought I could long for.
“I’m not wanted here, Cal. I’ll go with you,” I finally say, glaring at my younger brother as I say it.
Ry clenches his fist when I use her nickname. Calla sighs with disappointment, which almost makes me change my mind. She doesn’t seem to want me around. I don’t want to be around her if it’s not her wish to have me there, but she looks at me. Just for a moment, but the way her eyes seem to long for the comfort I gave her a few days ago solidifies my decision to accompany her.
“Very well,” she states coolly. “We leave tomorrow morning, Kainan.”
∞∞∞
Darinthe Manor is a gorgeous estate, built with brick and accented with white trim. Trees and other greenery surround the property, and the grounds are kept in immaculate condition. With over twenty thousand square feet of space inside the manor, the place is massive.
Stonefire Palace makes Darinthe look like a hobbit hole.
As we soar over the palatial structure, I find myself pressing my nose to the cool glass of the hoverjet’s cockpit, my breath fogging the clear surface. Calla, without needing me to ask first, flies the vessel around the palace a couple times, dipping a little lower and angling the jet above certain spots to give me a better view of
its white marble exterior and the glimmering red-orange copper roofing.
The interior of the palace matches the awe of its breathtaking exterior. Every hall is beautifully decorated, lined with portraits of every Renald in history, as well as depictions of battles and significant historical moments. Intricate black metal and obsidian chandeliers glint from the ceiling of every room and hall, and the large glass windows along the corridors are adorned with fiery red, orange, and yellow curtains. The floors throughout the palace are smooth, solid obsidian; a sharp contrast to the stark-white walls that match the palace’s exterior color. Each door we pass is rich mahogany, carved with delicate designs and ancient runes from the old native Eterran language, which most Renalds are fluent in, as well as the Primori I knew in Helkyn.
Calla, much to my appreciation, takes me through the entirety of Stonefire Palace, giving me a silent tour. The palatial library in the north wing, filled with wall-to-wall, floor-to-vaulted-ceiling bookshelves; the throne room, and above it, the Hall of the Concilium; over each black and white, marble-pillared bridge leading to that very Hall; to the lavish dining hall that could very well be the size of Darinthe Manor; to the magnificent gardens that put Darinthe’s own meticulously cared for ones to shame.
The emperor takes me to see it all, even smiling whenever she catches the awed look on my features. I can’t help it—never have I seen such beauty created by man.
Then, I look at her. Those amber eyes that reflect the fiery decorations that give the palace its flaming glow; and that curly hair, falling to her hips, that is so black, it matches the obsidian; and that brown, glowy skin, freckled by all the days she’s spent in the sun, a few shades lighter than the mahogany. She’s the physical embodiment of this palace, the beauty of the man-made structure put into human form.
She is the emperor of Namari, and never have I seen someone so well-crafted for the role.
In that moment, when she smiles at me, I almost forget the agonizing ache that has found its everlasting home in my chest. I’ve never been with a woman besides Ramsey, never known how it felt to actually desire someone. I didn’t let myself have such feelings before now; I thought they would just get in the way and complicate things. And, I knew that anyone I felt for would be taken from me by the woman forcing me into bed each night.