by G. K. Brady
It took her a beat to answer. “We’re friends.”
“And?”
“And what?”
Fuck no! “That’s it? Just friends?” His rising anger heated his cheeks, colliding with hurt and disappointment. “That’s what you think this is? Friends? With benefits? How does Daisy fit in?”
“She doesn’t. You’re her coach. Were her coach. Beyond that, you’re a nice guy she likes.”
“Loves,” he snapped.
“And that’s why whatever’s between us won’t go further.”
What. The. Actual. Hell? He was getting whiplash, growing more confused by the minute. “What does that mean?”
Her blue eyes flared. “It means I can’t get close to anyone and risk hurting her. Look at the mistake I’ve already made by spending time with you. If I get in deep and get my heart broken, that’s one thing. I won’t have her getting attached and getting hers broken too.”
Another punch to the gut. “Well, fuck. That’s just great. Now I’m a mistake, and you’re assuming I’m going to break not only your heart but hers too. Based on what exactly?”
Her answer was to bite her thumbnail.
He could feel his connection to her slipping away, and it made his chest ache. “Lily, I want you. I want Daisy. Can’t you see that?”
Still no answer.
His head reeled. “So what’s your plan? You’re gonna fuck random men for the next fifteen years and maybe start a real relationship after she’s left home?”
“I’m not going to fuck random men.” She leaned toward him, on the attack, her expression matching her tone—dark and tight. “Nor am I going to expose my daughter to people like your mother, if I can help it. I don’t need to bring more drama into Daisy’s life. I will do whatever I have to, to protect my daughter.”
“What if someone else is interested in protecting her too? You’re just going to go it alone?”
“She has Derek.”
Slap! “Right. How stupid of me to forget my place. I’m just the guy you fuck when the mood strikes. Only Everett men are worthy of more.”
Her scowl deepened. “Derek is part of Jack, and he always will be, whether you like it or not.”
“Because you’ll never let Jack go.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He scanned the room a moment, not seeing any details, while he marshaled his thoughts and kept himself in check. His gaze returned to hers. She stood with her arms locked over her chest like an armored breastplate.
“It means, Lily, you’re not fooling anyone except yourself. Up here,” he tapped his temple, “you’re still married, even though it’s to a ghost. It also means I’m tired of being nothing more to you than your stable stud. You’ve confused a fantasy with real life. I’m not your 2:00 a.m. booty call. I’m not your fuckboy. There are plenty of guys out there who’ll jump at the chance, but I won’t be confused with them anymore.”
Her chin lifted in defiance. “That’s not fair.”
“No? Last summer, you used me. Was that fair?”
“You didn’t complain.”
“At the time, I didn’t. But I didn’t expect to wake up and find myself alone, and I didn’t expect to spend the next six months wondering where the hell you’d gone. That’s jacked up, Lily.”
None of this makes sense anymore.
He let out a mirthless laugh. “Shit, you’re still using me, and I’m the dumbass letting it happen. I fooled myself into believing that maybe, just maybe, you’d fallen for me as hard as I fell for you. That what we had was more than an extended one-night stand.” He paused to exhale. “Go pick on someone else. Leave me the hell out of it.” The instant the statement left his mouth, he knew he didn’t mean it—which hurt even more.
Shaking his head, he placed his hands on his hips. Anger and hurt and longing whirlpooled inside him like a sinking ship, but he kept his voice calm. “For months now, I’ve been competing with a ghost. But I never stood a chance and was too blind to see it.” He stabbed a finger at her hallway. “You live in a shrine, Lily. Every day you come home and worship a man who’s dead. When are you going to move on and live?”
Though her eyes pooled and her lips quivered, her face was locked in a fierce glare. He spun and walked out the door, wrenching it closed behind him without a backward glance.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why Gage Nelson doesn’t date.
Lily Everett had been after one thing from him, and he’d been idiotic enough to give it to her—along with his heart—without demanding more in return.
Anger and hurt razored into him as he drove back home. When he dropped into bed, he was surprised his heart was still beating. Because damn! It was in shreds.
Chapter 34
Big Sister Knows Best
Lily stomped into the kitchen.
Who the hell does he think he is?
Yanked out the cleaning supplies.
Jerk!
Attacked the sink.
Asshole!
She threw the sponge down and looked around her spotless kitchen. She’d get no satisfaction from cleaning because it already sparkled. Damn it!
Next she picked up her phone and texted Ivy. You awake?
Ivy: No. Go away.
Lily: I need to talk.
Lily’s phone lit up. “You’d better just have lost a limb.” Ivy yawned.
“You weren’t sleeping,” Lily scoffed.
“I could have been if I hadn’t downed an espresso an hour ago. What’s going on?”
“Argh! Gage! If I kill him, will you visit me in prison?”
“No. I don’t hang with convicts. What did that awful, horrible man do?”
Lily dismissed the sarcasm. “He had the balls to say I’m still in love with Jack. Then he got all bent out of shape, accusing me of using him for sex.”
Silence on the other end confounded her. “Ivy? Are you listening?”
“I’m listening. I’m a little surprised he’s bent out of shape over being your fuck puppy. Most guys—”
“He’s not most guys.”
“Which is why he gets under your skin.”
“He does not get under my skin.”
“Right, Lil. Whatever you say.” Ivy yawned again.
The thought of throttling Ivy crossed Lily’s mind. “Well, to add insult to injury, he stuck up for his mom. He scoffed when I told him what she said! Dismissed it, like I was lying!”
“Well, she’s his mom, so I get him sticking up for her. He was probably having a hard time processing.” Ivy’s tone was way too casual, and it grated on Lily’s exposed nerves.
“What about me processing what his mother said? That hurt, Ivy,” Lily gritted out. “Plus, he never told her about us.”
“Probably because she’d give him a ration of shit. Forget her, Sis. She’s a raving bitch with her own mysterious agenda. ’Nuff said.”
Lily let out an indignant huff.
Ivy sighed. “Okay. So he stuck up for his mom. Bad on him. But honestly, the other stuff? I don’t disagree.”
Lily’s free hand yanked her hair in frustration. “Whose side are you on?”
“I’m on your side. Yours and Daisy’s.”
Lily’s mama-bear antenna shot up. “Why are you bringing Daisy into this?”
Ivy let out a sisterly you-don’t-know-anything sigh. “Because Daisy is in this. Do you think her seeing you lonely, unhappy, and bitter is setting a good example? The only time I’ve really seen you come alive since Jack died is when you’re with Gage.”
“I’m not bitter.”
“Not yet. Look, you’re not gonna like this, but I’ll say it anyway. You remind me of one of those wives—I forget which culture it is—but when the husband died, they’d burn his body and she’d throw herself on the pyre with him. You’re that wife. Only you’re still walking around, going through the motions. Your heart’s beating, but it’s empty.”
Lily’s face was catching fire. “You’re … That’s … Ug
h! You’re wrong.”
Ivy’s voice rose a decibel level. “If I’m so wrong, then why the hell are you having a meltdown? Huh? Listen to yourself. First you don’t want to betray Jack. That’s noble, Lil. Good for you. But Jack’s dead! And somehow you’ve become the torch-bearer for a man who’s so perfect, he resembles the real Jack less every day. If the situation were reversed, would you have gone to your grave expecting Jack to fill his lonely nights reliving your time together? God, I hope not because that’s just fucking selfish, which is basically what you’re saying about him. Add to that you pretending not to be in love with Gage, who is a living, breathing man who’s actually pretty damn close to perfect. Your head must hurt with all the circles you’re running around yourself.”
Lily wanted to tell Ivy to shut up, so badly, but she wasn’t confident she could muster a strong counterargument. Gage’s maddening words blared in her brain. “Are you just going to fuck random guys for the next fifteen years?”
“Let’s look at your other reasons, shall we?” Ivy went on, damn her. “You don’t want to get hurt—no one does. You don’t want Daisy to get hurt—yay! You’re a good mom. But you’re already hurting, Lil. And Daisy will too. By the way, you’re doing a bang-up job teaching your daughter about commitment when you run from a good guy who loves you both. What about showing her a loving relationship between two people who adore and respect each other? Actions, Lil. What do they speak louder than?”
“Gah! Stop patronizing me!”
“Then grow the hell up!”
The rebuke stung worse than a swarm of fire ants, and Lily couldn’t hold back the flow of tears. She wrapped her arms around herself. A fissure began opening in her heart, radiating tiny cracks. In that moment, she imagined her arms to be Gage’s, and an undeniable ache bloomed and settled heavily in her soul.
“So let me see if I have this straight.” Sarah perched her fists on her hips and eyed Gage with a frown as he dropped her bag in the spare guest room. At five foot five—with their father’s brown hair and hazel eyes—she wasn’t big, but she packed a wallop. Add the whole “Big Sister” mystique, and she could be intimidating as hell, but Gage would never tell her that.
Especially with the chewing-out he knew was coming. He could see it looming on his horizon like dark funnel clouds.
Sarah’s eyes drilled into him. “Mom tells your girlfriend, to her face, that she looks like a hooker, and you tell your girlfriend she’s blowing it out of proportion? In other words, you sided with Mom over your girlfriend. And then you told your girlfriend this?”
He’d only filled Sarah in briefly during the few minutes they’d had alone since they’d all piled out of the car. Mom and Jessica had insisted on coming with him to the airport to pick her up.
He let out an exasperated sigh. “First of all, her name is Lily. Secondly, she’s not my girlfriend. At least that’s what she says.”
“Ha! Then she’s not. And who can blame her? Jesus, Gage, how can you be so smart and so clueless?”
“Who says I’m smart? I’m seriously wondering why the hell I flew you out here.”
She arched an eyebrow at him. “Because you needed backup. I’m happy to fly home and let you fend for yourself, Baby Bro.”
“Nah. I don’t feel like driving back to the airport.” Despite her scolding, he was relieved to have her here.
“Any communication with Lily since your blowup?”
“Nope. I haven’t tried to contact her, and she’s dead silent.” Truth be told, he was still licking his wounds and wasn’t sure when he’d be ready to stop. He rubbed the back of his neck. “So you’re suggesting I might have screwed up?”
During his argument with Lily, it hadn’t occurred to him how defending his mom might have come across. He’d just said what was on his mind. That wasn’t so bad, was it? Of course, now that he’d had a chance to sleep on it—or not, as the case was—he wasn’t sure of everything he’d said or how he’d said it, and he was racking his brain trying to recall anything but Lily’s sharp barbs that had cut him to ribbons.
Sarah pulled a colorful, girlie-looking version of a dopp kit out of her bag and tossed it on the bed.
“Might have?” Her guffaw wasn’t encouraging.
Deflect, deflect. The ache was still too raw to deal with. “Let’s leave it for now. There’s a team dinner day after tomorrow. Wanna go with?”
“What about Jess?”
Gage’s stomach cinched. No way was Jess going to stay behind. He shrugged off his annoyance. “She’s invited, if she wants to come.”
“Oh, I’m sure she will.” Sarah pasted on a fake smile. “Gee, these next few days are gonna be so much fun. What do you have planned next? Bamboo shoots under our eyelids?”
“Bamboo shoots are food. You mean bamboo slivers.”
“Whatever.” She flapped her hand.
“I have no frickin’ clue. You guys shop and leave me alone?” Gage had canceled the Dillon trip. Seeing the ice castles didn’t hold the same appeal without Lily and Daisy.
Jessica stuck her head in. “Hey, you two. There’s a fresh pot of coffee. Ready to come downstairs?”
Gage sent Sarah a look that conveyed how much he didn’t want to. She acknowledged it with a subtle head wag. “Sure, Jess. Just give us a few more minutes, huh?”
When she’d left, Sarah turned to Gage. “So what are you gonna do?”
“Try to survive the next few days, then throw myself into the playoffs.”
While trying to figure out how to swallow my decision about Dave Grimson without choking to death.
Late last night, in the midst of all the other crap, he’d opted not to throw his captain under the bus—because it meant the least amount of fallout for everyone connected to Dave Grimson. What they didn’t know and all that, or so Gage told himself. But he couldn’t escape the truth: saving his captain’s ass meant saving his own ass. And it wasn’t sitting well. Grimson had broken the rules, and Gage was helping him do it.
Lord Stanley beckoned, and he’d chosen not to lose sight of the puck above black, white, and following his moral compass. That decision left a hole in his chest and an ache in his gut.
The morning of the team dinner, Gage leaned back against the couch, hands laced behind his head, enjoying the first quiet he’d had in days. Sarah and Jess were out, and his mom was in her room, packing for her trip home tomorrow. Hobbes sat beside him, scrutinizing him with that smug humans-are-so-stupid look.
Not disagreeing with you, fuzzball.
Since the breakup with Lily, he’d been practicing his ass off, blowing off pent-up steam. But it didn’t keep him from missing her and Daisy, like a beaver missed its front teeth. If Lily weren’t so damn stubborn …
He could feel anger heating up his neck again, so he picked up his guitar and began strumming, the same questions looping through his head. Could he go back to being Lily’s fuckboy—assuming she’d let him—and be content? Or be her fuckboy while covertly chipping away at her walls? Didn’t work the first time.
The circle of questions continually led back to the same answers. No, he didn’t want to be friends with benefits. Either Lily was his or she wasn’t. Black or white. As for whether she’d decided to let him in, her deafening silence was his answer.
A new doubt wormed its way into his consciousness. Had expecting her to give Jack up been right? He mentally added it to the list of other unanswered questions labeled right and wrong. Questions he didn’t want to wrestle with right now.
His phone chirped, and he picked it up. As soon as he realized it was Lily, his blood began percolating.
Lily: Just wanted to wish you luck in the playoffs.
Gage: Thanks. How have you and Daisy been?
Lily: Good. She says hi BTW.
Gage: Tell her hello for me. I miss her.
Minutes ticked by. Hobbes blinked her eyes slowly, as if to say, “Why not just call her?”
“Sometimes you’re a smart cat.” He swiped Lily’s number, h
is heart lurching into machine-gun mode, and his stomach twisted itself into tight coils.
“Hey.” Her voice sounded weary.
“Hey, uh … I thought it’d be easier to call.”
“Okay.”
After several squirm-worthy beats, he said, “So you guys are okay?”
“We’re good.”
“That’s good.” An incredibly long pause had bands constricting his chest. Maybe calling hadn’t been such a good idea. “I’m fine too, in case you were wondering.”
Silence. Apparently, she isn’t. Why the hell did I call?
“I was on my way out the door. Was there a reason you called?” Her tone was flinty.
He steeled himself. “What’s the status of the social media stuff?”
“You have a great following now. You can take some time off, and it’ll run itself for a while. I’ll send you my final invoice.”
His pounding heart was sinking faster than a waterlogged gear bag. He hardened it. His anger thick, tar-like, was heating low in his belly. “I think we have more to say to each other.”
“I think we said it all.”
“No, we didn’t. At least I didn’t.”
“What is it you needed to say, Gage?” she sighed. “And can you make it short? I really do need to go.”
His slow boil bubbled over, releasing everything he’d been bottling up. “Our falling out wasn’t about my mother, and it wasn’t about the Facebook picture. If it had been about my mother, you’d have come to me. As for the picture, I hope you would’ve given me the benefit of the doubt before you jumped off the conclusions bridge. I think you use Daisy and Jack like shields to protect you from getting too invested.”
“I—”
“I’m not done. It’s obvious Daisy comes first. I get it. I was brought up by a single mom, and I know the struggles you go through raising Daisy. But you use her as an excuse, just like my mom did. And now Mom’s an unhappy busybody who can’t stop running her kids’ lives because that’s all she’s left for herself. You say you don’t want Daisy getting close, but you’re the one holding her back, just like you’re holding yourself back. You can’t have it both ways, Lily, and someday Daisy will resent you for it.