by Nia Lucas
As I lean against the smashed-glass frame of the phone box, I hear voices down the street and my name being called. I freeze, torn between wanting to be found and wanting to stay lost. I contemplate legging it before I’m discovered but then I remember that I’m athletically inept.
Lee sounds pissed off, snarling, “I ain't got nothin' to say to you right now Shay, you just keep fuckin' walkin' bruv. Shit man, where she go? I swear down, she gets hurt, I'll kill you myself Shay”
I see Shay walking behind Lee, hands in pockets, shoulders slumped. Taking a deep breath and mustering up all my courage, I step out from behind the phone box, staring intently at my feet.
Lee jogs up the road towards me, “Shortie?! Where the fuck you goin' Lor? I leave you wiv this prick”, he points backwards at Shay who looks miserable, “and then you're gone?”, his arms wide in a question, this is the most dominant that I’ve ever seen Lee.
I kick my feet, muttering as I look downwards, “I think maybe I’d better stay with Rose. I don't want to be a bigger pain in the arse than I am already”, I shrug.
Lee spins to face Shay, “What the fuck you said to her?”, he’s shoving Shay, who looks angry enough to retaliate.
I panic, “Lee, don't! THIS is why I need to go. I don't want to make trouble between you, you're best mates”.
Lee growls low, “Shay, you'd best start talkin’, what's this shit 'bout trouble ‘tween us?”.
Shay looks up, directly at me, and I see him take a breath.
His jaw clenched and his hands balled into fists, his voice is harsh, “We said at Mission. I'm into her an' you fuckin' are too bruv but see, she can't choose neither. Tha’ true Little Red?”, at Shay’s challenging tone, I nod with a pronounced wobble of my lip.
His mouth curled in a snarl, Shay growls, “So we're fucked yeah? Mates”, Shay spits this word out like a slur, “tha’s all we got”.
Lee sighs and looks up at the darkening sky, his hands folded behind his head as he puffs out breaths, “Shay, if bein’ mates wiv her is all we got, I'll take it. This tension shit right here, is done yeah? Shortie, come back and we'll go out, have good times. I can't do no more drama, I ran out here with no skivs on man, fuckin' commando. Prick”, he punches Shay in the arm but I already see a relaxing of his hostility.
Shay walks slowly towards me, his eyes wary.
I look up with a tear tracked face and as he reaches out to wipe my cheek with his thumb as his lips start to twitch, “So, can I still feel up your tits if we're mates Lor?”, his face transforms into a mega-watt O'Driscoll smirk.
The outrage on my face is only superseded by Lee's shout of, “YOU FELT HER TITS? YOU FUCKIN' PRICK”, and as they start chasing each other and pratting about, I follow them down the hill, smiling through my disquiet.
Back in the flat, Shay pulls me into a hug as we enter the kitchen, his warm, muscled arms holding me tight as he whispers, “Sorry Little Red”, into my hair. I breath out a wobbly sigh, overwhelmed with relief that I haven’t lost my place here with them. I make them a fry up with the bits I bought from the shop and they woof it down with loud enthusiasm. Watching them scarf their tea, we fall into easy chat once more but as I watch them, smiling at Shay’s daftness and Lee’s snarky jibes, I feel a sadness trickle through my veins because if all we are is mates, I assume that the boys will be on the pull tonight or at least receptive to offers. The idea of them with other girls evaporates my appetite. As for me? Well, I'll be sixteen in a club with a stupidly small pair of hot pants on, courtesy of Rosa. I will be bloody careful is what I will be. I look at the lads as they shovel down their food and I huff out a breath. Mates.
Leaving me to watch TV, the lads head to their rooms to get ready but when a freshly-changed Lee walks through the lounge door, my resolve wobbles. Lee looks good enough to bloody bite. He's wearing a black shirt, over printed with a “Moschino” logo. Under this, he has a white t-shirt with a gold chain hanging over the neck of it. His jeans are different, less baggy and his white trainers are immaculate. His shirt pulls tight across his biceps when he moves. He’s made the twists in his hair more defined with some hair product and he smells incredible.
With a small, shy smile on his face as he notices the way I'm gawking, he goes and sits on the sofa, “So girl, what you wearing eh?”, his shy smile is dangerous.
I wave a handful of clothes at him causing those stupid tiny knickers of Rosa's to fall out of my clutches. Lee picks them up, astonishment across his face.
I snatch them back, “Well, Leon, at least I won't be running the streets commando”, and I flounce out of the door. I swear that I hear him mutter, “Fuckin' might as well be” but with my snout in the air, I choose to ignore it.
In the hallway, I run straight into a dripping wet, be-towelled Shay and my jaw drops. You fancy me and you look like that. With a cocked eyebrow, he takes himself off into his room, as I wobble towards the bathroom, feeling dazed. I have a shower in the world’s most revoltingly tide-marked bath and with much swearing, I wrestle on those demented would-be-knickers from Rosa. Sweet Baby Jesus, there is pretty much just a piece of dental floss connecting gusset to waistband. I then grab the frisbee-and-plastic-string bra and spend a very frustrating five minutes trying to pack a lot of boob into not-a-lot of frisbee. It's a total nightmare and I fear that gravity will inevitably win at some point tonight. I clip the halter neck top in place, hot-pants and trainers on, hair plaited and I’m ready.
Heart thumping I head towards the lounge, anxious to see if I've got this outfit right for a night in their world. I spot Shay before he sees me. Sat on the sofa, he's wearing a blue denim long-sleeved shirt and immaculate white trainers. His dirty-blond hair falls in gentle spikes across his forehead and those blue eyes are even more vivid in the gloom of the lounge. He's beautiful. I feel entirely inadequate and as soon as his eyes meet mine, I look down self-consciously.
“Shit Little Red, that's, yeah, that's er, yeah. Nice”, I look up to see Shay nodding appreciatively. Standing up, Lee is just staring, his intense brown eyes harder to read as he swallows thickly and nods towards the hallway. Shay grabs the car keys and follows him with a wink and a, “C’mon, Little Red”. Giddy in our awkwardness, we're heading into the lift and out to the gloomy car park under the flats, before I can analyse any of what’s going on.
The car stereo too obnoxiously loud for chat, we’re twenty minutes on the road before Shay parks up outside some abandoned offices. Happily towed by Lee’s warm hand in mine, the bar we head to is dark-glazed and squeezed in between a grotty kebaby shop and a dodgy travel agency. The bored-looking bouncer on the door nods to the lads as we go in and I grin from my inclusion in this coolness. Inside, the music is thumping and this crowd is dressed to impress, no cosy Saturday-night-with-a-pint crew in here. The girls are in amazing mini dresses or graphic print trousers, the boys are all designer shirts and expensive jeans. His hand still gripping mine, Lee leads me to the bar with Shay behind me, his arms warm around my hips.
Drinks obtained with the inevitable teasing about my alcohol-free choice, Shay leads us through to the back of the bar where the DJ is situated. Shay goes up to greet a group of lads but he's a bit muted in the way he interacts, wary. There are a couple of the girls staring at him and one girl in particular, a very slim girl in a tight pink mini-dress, stands close to him and does a lot of hair tossing. Lee hangs back, his grip on my hand imperceptibly tightening, his face frowning. Lee’s acknowledged by a lad in the group who comes over and exchanges words and fist bumps, the lads’ eyes darting to me as Lee nods with his familiar scowl. A sudden squeal of “Jailbait!” prompts me to turn as a giddy Rosa flys through the crowd towards me.
With a massive grin of relief, I release Lee’s hand and dart over to her, hugging her and rocking as she laughs, “You look fucking mint little Garage Girl!”, I admire the gorgeous view that is Rosa D’Angelo. Her frankly astonishing figure is squeezed into a graphic print Morgan mini-dress with moulded bra top that make her boob
s look amazing, a pair of immaculate white trainers on her feet.
“God Rosa, you look like a bloody model. You look beautiful”, I smile and she winks at me.
Rosa’s scanning the crowd, “So, where are those boys, eh cara?”, I point over to where Shay has been joined by Lee, chatting to the group by the DJ booth.
She hisses, “Cazzo Jailbait, just when you thought those boys couldn't get any fucking fitter eh?!”, Rosa’s shaking her head and smiling as we ogle them both.
Shay looks over and, spotting the attention, mouths, 'What?' at me, a big grin splitting his face, rendering him ridiculously gorgeous. I roll my eyes at him and he starts moving towards us, holding my gaze and mouthing, 'what?' repeatedly, cocky in his silent challenge until he’s looming over me like Dan does.
With that melting grin he rumbles, “Wha' you lookin' at Little Red, eh? You got beef wi' me still? You wanna start somethin'?”, Shay teases, his hands on my hips twisting and turning me as he smiles. Rosa's eyes are on us and she smirks.
Sensing a presence at my side, I turn to see Lee, frowning as he growls out, “Shay bruv, we goin' yeah? Shortie, you done wiv that drink?”, I'm not as it happens, barely two sips into my juice but Lee looks aggravated and Shay shoots me a look.
I’ve started to read Shay it appears and I down the drink and nod at Lee, “Yeah, I'm done”, as I reach for his hand and squeeze it.
A fleeting smile glances across Lee’s lips but his look is hard and he's scanning for the door. I have a flashback to the rave.
I turn,, “Rose, you coming too?”, she's looking at Lee
She shakes her head frowning, “Nah, Ti's coming down in a bit, I'll meet you in there”
Rosa leans in and whispers, “He OK Lorn?”, she nods at Lee.
I whisper back, “I dunno but don't leave me with these two by myself, I need girl-backup” and she laughs.
Outside, on the side of the busy road with the roaring Saturday night traffic, Shay walks over to Lee, heads close.
I hear Shay mutter, “Fuck 'em man, they don’t know shit. I ain't worried, you don’t be, yeah?”, My confusion must be obvious as with a sigh, Shay explains that the group they were talking to inside the bar have issued a warning about the imminent release of the dealers. They’ve imparted rumours apparently, Shay doesn't say what the rumours are but Lee's reaction says enough.
Shay looks at Lee and shoulder nudges him brutally, “C'mon bruv, let’s have a good night and forget 'bout them fuckers Lee”, Lee sneers at Shay and stomps off, hands thrust deep in his pockets.
Shay and I follow him further up the road towards the sound of a very loud music coming from the basement of a large, dark Victorian building. With a few words to the bouncers and fist bumps by Shay, we’re let through velvet ropes and down steps whereupon a wall of noise and heat hits me. This is the first nightclub other than Mission that I’ve ever been in and I feel a bit giddy. I'm not really clear what Garage is but if this music is Garage, it's brilliant. I recognise some tunes from the radio and the four-four beat is infectious. Following Shay, we head towards the DJ booth where the guy behind the decks greets the boys. Smirking, Shay points at me and the DJ turns and nods, giving Shay another fist-bump and a wink as a still-frowning Lee leads me towards the bar. I notice a few of the surrounding girls preening as they check Lee out. I feel that little constriction on my heart again but I'm starting to accept that this is what it is. Mates.
As we stand waiting to be served, I look over at Shay in the distance and wince when I see him chatting with a stunning girl in a tiny dress. Mates. I can do this. I am not feeling sick to my stomach. I am not feeling like I want to kick her arse round the club. Nope. Not me. I'm a good mate. I swallow down bile.
Lee presses a kiss to my hair, “Be a minute girl yeah, stay here”, and he heads off for what I presume is a loo trip.
A gruff, “Alrigh' Little Red?”, startles me as Shay reappears at my side, his tone a tense and off.
He’s standing still, not talking and after a few seconds, I’m compelled to break the silence, “That girl was pretty, the one in the dress?”, hoping that I sound nonchalant and not like a bunny boiler.
Shay sneers nastily, “Nah man, she was in Albion. Proper psycho”, I decide there and then that a pissed off Shay is actually more scary than Lee in a mood. I'm starting to be able to handle Lee but Shay is harder to read, unsettling in his hostility. He's looking down now, shaking his head, his hands thrust in his pocket, the toe of his shoes suddenly of great interest.
Unsure about how to proceed, I move to stand in front of him,
“Shay, dance with me?”, I smile and hold out my hand.
He looks up slowly, those sapphire eyes unreadable as he lets me lead him to the middle of the floor. I mess about, pulling faces and bumping him with my shoulder until he cracks a tiny smile. With his first defence breached, I circle him and mess about and with an eye-roll he starts to dance as we move our hips together, smiling at the silliness and getting our equilibrium back. By the time Lee finds us, we're both laughing like loons. For hours, for glorious minute after happy second, I dance with the boys. We prat about, we try new things, they react with enthusiasm to certain tunes being dropped and we have proper, full on fun. Being with them is like this amazing prize that I can’t believe I’ve won. As girls check them out, I take a deep breath, slap a smile on my face and mess around and dance with my amazing mates.
Spinning around with Shay as Lee rolls his eyes, I squeal when I spot Rosa and Ti, who looks knackered but has done a manful job of scrubbing up nicely, his hand proprietary at Rosa’s waist.
“Fuck me, I thought we'd never get in”, Rosa's shouting across at me as she grabs my arm,“By the way Jailbait, my Ma is determined that you gotta be at this Christening. It's a fucking big deal now, Auntie Maria told her I'd brought you here for it”
Rosa rolls her eyes imploring, “Look, come just for the reception thing? 1pm at The Beehive, them boys will know where it is, they can come too, eat all food or whatever, 'Kay?”, I shrug happily as the DJ drops a tune that I recognise from the radio and Rosa and I start dancing together.
The boys jerk their heads towards the bar with a stern looking Ti following them. As we dance, I watch a gaggle of very pretty girls situate themselves directly next to the three boys. Shay takes the bait and my poor little heart twinges as he chats to them, encouraging Lee to get involved. Ti rolls his eyes at Rosa and turns back to the bar. Right, mates it is. Returning my focus to Rosa, I note that we’re getting some attention from a group of smartly dressed lads. Acknowledging the looks with sly winks at each other, we dance more provocatively and the attention ramps up. Rosa and I grind against each other and try and look sultry, hard to do when you're pissing yourselves laughing. Two lads approach us and one is tall and dark haired in a baseball cap, looking so much like a grown up version of Nico that a spark of attraction shimmies down my spine.
As he wraps his arms around me and pulls my back against his chest, I see a flash of consternation cross Rosa's face, “Oi, Jailbait, come with me yeah?”. and she drags me by the hand across the dance floor towards the loos, leaving the random lads shrugging.
Arms crossed and leaning against the sink with an eyebrow raised, Rosa drawls, “So Jailbait, what's the deal with you and those Farm Boys eh?”
With a shrug, I sigh, “We had a bit of a weird row tonight, me and Shay. I walked out the flat actually, tried ringing you”
Rosa's frown deepens as I mumble. “Truth is, I don't just like the two of them Rose. I, well, I fancy both of them”, I look back down at my feet, “I mean, I really fancy both of them”, I swallow a bit of a sob. There. Said it.
With a ragged breath and ignoring Rosa's slight gape of surprise, I carry on, “I mean, we kiss and hug all the fucking time Rose. Both of them. It's driving me mad, I like them so much but it can't happen. We've agreed to be mates but watching them out there, chatting up other girls… It hurts. A lot”, I take a big breath and sigh it out, wait
ing for her response.
Rosa whistles and leans against the wall, “OK, well both of them want you Jailbait, it's obvious when you watch you three together. Why don't you work out which one you fancy the most and go for it? Jesus, have you seen those boys? Why the fuck would you not?”
I shake my head firmly, “No, Rose, I won't do anything that might make them argue or fall out with each other”.
She tuts, “Well this mates shit ain't much use if you're arguing anyways, is it, eh?”
Eyebrow cocked she continues, “I reckon you all just need some facilitation. Right, c'mere Jailbait”, without pausing for breath, Rosa D'Angelo pounces on me, fixing my hair, vamping up my make-up and even thrusts her hands, uninvited, in the precarious frisbee-bra to adjust my boobs, earning a squawk from me and a slapped hand.
She holds my face in her hands, “Jailbait, you need some facilitation. You, looking like that, out there, well, I reckon I can do no more cara” and with a cheeky squeeze of my boob and a kiss on my cheek, she leads me out to face whatever it is I'm facing.
Heads turn and shouts of 'Hey darlin' are directed at us as we exit the loos. I follow Rosa's example and pretend not to hear them. I spot Shay across the room dancing with the prettiest of the girls from earlier as Lee stands near her grinning friend. The sound of my heart cracking must have reached Rosa, who turns to me, sympathy etched in her face as we cross the dance-floor, finding the perfect spot to kick it up a notch. We dip, spin, rock and pulse our hips in response to the beat, dancing flirtatiously together to create a stir. I spot Ti at the bar, grinning and shaking his head in disbelief, amused by our antics. I look at Rosa and I respond to the strange bodies who dance behind me, their hands on my hips, fingers stroking my hair. I know that these don't belong to them but I don't care right now. Facilitation.