by Nia Lucas
I whisper, “Did it hurt?”.
He snorts loud enough to make Lee stir and turn over, “Yeah, it fuckin' killed. Lee was stressin' coz we reckoned we'd get busted for bein' underage 'fore the bloke finished but we nailed it”, he smiles as I raise my gaze to his.
He looks a bit goofy, his crooked smile still a sleepy, “While you're here love, gi' us a kiss”, he winks cheekily as he leans in for a soft, biscuity kiss.
Tangled in each other I shift closer and he lets out a strangled groan as I trail my hand down his body until I'm nervously cupping him through his jockeys. Shay bites his lip and thrusts forcefully into my hand but I see him look over my shoulder and whatever he sees stills him.
He closes his eyes again and whispers, “Oh fuck Little Red, Lee's righ’ there. We gotta stop”, he looks agonised and my hand freezes, feeling like I've overstepped the mark.
He scoops me in for a kiss and whispers, “We can't....yeah?”, he looks pained and I nod, not able to look him in the eye right now .
He puts a finger under my chin, “Back in a minute”, and he rolls off the mattress.
Still wired from the kiss, I wrap myself around sleeping Lee, the length of me pressed into his side. I feel him stir and two sleepy brown eyes open and look a bit startled, framed as they are in ridiculously long, thick lashes. Turning towards me slowly, a bit uncertain, I can't work out what his expression means. Regret? Embarrassment?
We're still silently staring at each other when Shay returns, clambering on top of the duvet and grabbing the TV remote as he flicks through the channels. Lee very slowly and cautiously cups my cheek and leans closer, pressing his lips gently to mine. My eyes close from the soft bliss of it. He pulls away gently, looking over my shoulder at Shay who’s watching us.
Lee jerks his head at the kitchen, “Where's my brew bruv?”, as Shay flips him the bird and fiddles again with the remote.
Despite the early hour, we sit in duvet-cuddled relaxed comfort, watching TV. Toast is made, tea is brewed and at some stage we all wander off and have our respective showers. I remember that my presence is required at Rosa's family christening at 1pm.
Shay looks interested, “There's food yeah? For free?”
A bit too keen, I nod furiously, “Yep and this is an Italian christening so there'll probably be loads”.
I look at him hopefully as he nods back, his assent granted, “Ah fuck it, yeah we'll go, tha' cool bruv?”, he looks at Lee who shrugs and nods, stood nursing his third cuppa of the morning.
I start to gather my things from around the flat, unable to resist any longer the urge to clean that bloody kitchen and bathroom. I’m desperate to wash the stiff, radiator-rotting towels. Hearing me cleaning in the kitchen, Lee comes to see what I'm up to, I’m caught laundry-handed and blush crimson.
Lee smirks, “Er, what you doing girl? You washin' shit?”, bafflement in his voice and shamefaced, I confess that I can’t fight the impulse to clean.
Lee comes closer, “So you looking after us now then, eh Shortie? You our little cleaner Lor?”, he's wrapping his arms around my waist, ducking his head to meet my gaze, “Coz, y'know Shortie, you can stay here an' clean all you want. That'd be fuckin' mint yeah, if you was here with us”, his cheeky smirk melts me and he swoops in for a tea-tasting kiss, pressing me back against the groaning washing machine.
My hands go under his t-shirt, creeping towards his bare back under the fabric and I’m confused when he grabs them, positioning them on his waist instead. Why so jumpy Lee? So lost am I in the kiss that it takes a few seconds for Jock's words to come back to me, “You ever seen him wi'out a shirt on?” “She used a phone cable, a heated metal spatula and a belt”. Lee doesn't want his back touched for a reason.
The pain of this realisation is forgotten when Lee takes my hand and slowly moves it down, brushing the front of his jeans. Gasping, my eyes fly open with shock, causing him to pull back from the kiss as we stare at each other for a few milliseconds. Tentatively, I move my hand making Lee go a bit cross eyed. Swearing softly, he closes his eyes and pushes further into my grip as I lean in, just as some video game calamity causes Shay to shout obscenities from the lounge and Lee flies back from me as if he's been electrocuted.
Huffing, Lee runs his hands over his face, “Shortie, we gotta work shit out, y'know?”, Lee looks uncomfortable whereas I must just look like a stunned mullet.
Looking to reassure him, I inadvertently open a massive can of worms, “I know, Shay said the same this morning when we were doing stuff”
Lee's the one who looks stunned now as he bellows, “Shay man, get your arse in here, fuckin' NOW”, he shouts without breaking eye contact, radiating tight-jawed fury.
“Jaysus, wha’ now? Tha’ Street Fighter bitch is goin’ down next round, I know it. Wha' you want?”, as Shay walks into the kitchen, in his low slung jeans and rumpled t-shirt, I feel a stab of guilt for dragging him into this.
Lee's jaw is still clenched, staring at me as he grinds out, “Rules, we need some fuckin' rules here bruv. Y'get me?”
Shay looks boggled, his gaze darting from me to Lee, “Eh, wha' shit you chattin' Lee?”, Shay's comedy bafflement would be cute if it wasn't such a toe-curling issue.
Lee breaks his eye contact with me for the first time and looks at Shay, his frustration with the situation making him grumpy, “You, me and Shortie, we gotta work this out coz man, it sounds like shit's gone down wiv both of us this mornin' yeah, so we be sorting this right here, right now”, the stony look Lee shoots me, makes me gulp.
Shay's eyes narrow as he looks between me and Lee, the blue gaze icy with suspicion. “Lee, wha' the fuck you mean?”, Shay's tone is curt and Lee looks tense.
Oh great, step up Davies, this is your mess. I push myself off the now squealing washing machine and hands on hips, try to assert five-foot-nothing of authority over six-foot-plus of multiple grumps,
“Right, listen”, I sound more confident than I feel, “You said that you wanted to give it a try y'know, being with me and now there's been the kissing and er.....”, my blush is nuclear, “touching”.
Murderous looks are exchanged at this point but I press on, “...and so Shay, I think Lee is looking for us to decide what it is that we're doing before we go any further, with the er, touching”, I huff out a breath, trying to stay brave in the face of a truly mortifying conversation.
Shay explodes, “I don't wanna fuckin’ see nothin' o' him, no fuckin’ way”, Shay is bright red and loud, finger pointing
Lee snarls back, “Fuck you man, I ain't seein' you fuckin' neither dickhead”, Lee radiates tense fury.
I roll my eyes, “Oh for God's sake, the only person who wants to look at you is ME”, I shout and as my screech echoes off the kitchen walls, the ridiculousness of the situation hits me like a truck and I collapse in wide-eyed giggles.
I get matching glares for a few seconds before their lips start to twitch as they watch me laugh. What follows, when I compose myself, is the strangest conversation of my life thus far. We agree that as long as neither of them has to see the other ones bits, the lads are OK. We briefly touch on what happens when we are in a situation where things go further but the lads look deeply uncomfortable and the discussion ends there.
This ten minute oddness leaves the air crackling with tension and I have collywobbles that I have to air, “Guys, this is really messed up, isn’t it? Seriously, you could both have anybody you want, I mean look at you...Jesus, you could probably have a hundred girls each. I live far away and being with me...it’s, well, it’s not straightforward … so why?”, I'm not looking for an ego stroke, I’m looking for a proper answer to a baffling question.
Shay shrugs but his gaze is piercing, making me shiver but it's Lee who answers, his rumbling bass soothing, “It's what it fuckin' is yeah? Don't want nobody else Shortie. He wants you, I want you. This way, we get you”, Lee comes closer, my face still flushed as I meet his gaze, “Want you crazy girl”, and that's when he kisses me like he's
trying to win an argument.
I fall against his tall, strong body as he tangles his hand in my hair. A few seconds in and I feel Shay press into my back, his lips against the side of my neck as he whispers,
“I fuckin' never met no girl like you Lor”, Shay's breath on my ear makes me dissolve.
Turning, I allow myself to be given over to this thing that we have decided upon and Holy Mary, what a thing this is. My t- shirt is gone and as my bra drops to the floor, there’s a second when we all stand still, silently acknowledging a line irreversibly crossed before Lee covers me with his hands as Shay captures my mouth and I’m lost in them.
Pulling back, Shay's voice is deep and tight, “Let's go to the other room yeah?”, as he takes me by the hand into the lounge with Lee directly behind me, kisses pressed to my bare shoulder.
As we fall onto the floor-bed, hands are everywhere, lips are urgent and more clothes are being pulled off me and the voice in my head is screaming insults. Slut, slag. Panic makes me pull away,
“Lee, Shay, what are we doing?”, the wobble in my voice brings Lee back up to my eye line again and Shay's hand stills.
“You 'kay Lor?”, Lee looks pained.
Although I nod, it's clear from my wide-eyed face that I’m not. I sit up abruptly, pushing myself backwards on the mattress.
In panic, I blurt out, “Look, if I'm getting my kit off, so are you two”, I try to jest but my nerves make it sound a bit hollow.
The lads exchange a glance that screams “Keep your junk away from me”. My heart is still thudding painfully, unable to process that I am here, in this state, with them. As Shay wrestles with his jeans, Lee is staring at me with the sort of heat that should make a Catholic School Girl run for the fecking hills, dousing herself in holy water and grabbing crucifixes as she goes but I don't. I bite my lip with anticipation and give a yelp of surprise as Lee literally launches himself at me, knocking me backwards again onto the bed and we’re lost in a writhing, pulsing sea of bliss, skin against skin, fingers all over bodies and groans falling from lips.
Shay shifts beside me, turning my head for a kiss as he grabs my hand and drags it down his torso and oh my, under the elastic waistband of his jockey shorts, making it very clear what he wants me to do to the intimidating contents. Ignoring his momentary huff of disappointment, I let go, shifting onto my back and swapping hands. With an agonised moan, he shifts onto his side and buries his face in the pillow to muffle his groans as I twist my torso towards Lee, whose hand is now in my knickers, a look of wonder on his face. Holding eye contact, I run my right hand down Lee's torso and under the waistband of his jeans as his lips part and his eyes slam shut. Unlike Shay, Lee is silent as I stroke him, matching the rhythm of my left hand as I try not to hyperventilate. In what is the most intense few minutes of my life, I stroke a writhing Shay behind me as I watch Lee pant and bite his lip, his beautiful face agonised as his eyes stay shut.
“Oh fuck, Little Red, fuuuck”, Shay's shouts are muffled by the pillow and he is jerking his whole body as he thrusts harder into my hand.
I shoot my glance at Lee, reading what I think is panic on his face, clearly not comfortable with his arousal laid bare. I quickly capture his mouth in a kiss as I breathe in his groans and his lips go slack against mine. I feel his whole torso tense as a flood of stickiness coats both my hands simultaneously, Shay roaring into his pillow. I continue to kiss Lee softly, trying to reassure him with gentle caresses, the tension having left his face. Shay has emerged from his pillow and is seeking immediate occupation with no thought for any sort of refractory period. He tickles me accidentally making me gasp but my eyes don't leave Lee's.
I need to know Lee’s OK with what’s just transpired. His silent stare initially worries me but as his lips quirk and he rolls his eyes slightly. I beam back at him before turning to look at Shay, whose face is split with a ridiculously large grin, a quick kiss all I need to confirm that this is OK. With a nervous babble, I jump up and run to the bathroom to clean up, Shay shouting compliments about my arse as I retreat red-faced. Cleansed and dressed, I slope back into the lounge, squirming with embarrassment. The lads are both sat side by side, dressed and playing “Streetfighter” as if nothing just happened. Shay notices my discomfort and, placing the handset on the mattress he stands up.
As he walks towards me, I can’t meet his eyes until he puts his fingers under my chin to raise my gaze, “Hey Little Red. We're cool, it's cool yeah. Wanna do it again?”
His cheeky wink makes me laugh, “Shay! We've got to get to that Christening y'know”, I glance at the clock across the hallway in the kitchen, “Shit, Shay it's nearly twelve thirty, I need to stop on the way and get a present too”, neither Shay nor Lee look that bothered.
As I take empty mugs to the kitchen, Lee follows, shutting the door behind us. He crosses his arms and leans against the closed door, frowning.
“Lee? You OK?”, I'm wary and my voice wobbles a bit.
He nods as he looks down at his feet silently. Right. I reach out and grab his hand as he mumbles, “Shortie, if it was just me and no Shay.....you'd still? Would you? Fuck man.....”, he looks upset, stepping away from me and avoiding my gaze. Shit.
Stroking his hand with my thumb, I whisper, “Lee, I really like you. It's not about Shay, the way I feel about you. Just like, y'know, the way I feel about Shay, it's not about you”, I huff out a frustrated breath, not able to articulate properly what it is I want to say to him, “Lee, I want to be with you. Do you really want to be with me?”, I pray that he answers in the affirmative.
His eyes meet mine and he slowly nods. I smile in relief before pulling me close, he leans down and kisses me so sweetly and deeply that a tear wells up and rolls down my cheek.
“Oi, fucks sake, wha’ you doin’ in there, sneaky bastards”, Shay's thumping on the closed door makes me laugh and Lee scowls, stepping back to fling it open and glare at Shay.
Out of the flat and in the car, we’re heading for the pub where the Christening reception is being held as the boys argue about directions. I'm quiet, my head suddenly filled with anxiety, contemplating what has transpired this morning, sad about leaving them, worried about Jock's barely disguised fear for their safety. I’m also panicking about how I’m going to alibi a double life this complex. So absorbed am I in these concerns that I miss a question, Lee forced to repeat my name to get my attention.
“LOR, 'sup girl?”, Lee's frowning at me as he turns in his seat.
I swallow thickly and croak out, “I've gotta work out what to do about a cover story for working at the club for Nath on Easter Weekend. I dunno what'll happen...”, I trail off, looking out the window.
Shay's darting glances at me now, picking up on the shift in my mood as he demands, “But you're gonna come see us before then Little Red, yeah?”, if I didn't feel so worried, Shay's anxious tone would be a massive ego boost but it's not, because I'm out of my depth with not the first clue what I'm doing.
My voice wobbles, “That club night for Nath is the night those lads get released and I'm scared for you. It's just...it's just hit me that's all. You live here and I live like two hours away”, I sigh and smile sadly at Shay, “We've got challenges, eh?”
Lee's frowning, “Next weekend though Lor? You could do that yeah?”, the mood in the car shifts immediately. Hope.
I smile at Lee and nod because yes, this has to work and I have the wages to cover the petrol or even a train. I’ll have to lie and squirm and tarnish my already muddy soul but I need to be with them. I’m overwhelmed with this inclusion, this sense of ‘belonging’ is so unfamiliar but so delicious.
Shay tuts, “Jesus woman, thought you was bailin'. Sorted yeah? Righ’, where's this fuckin' pub?”
Rosa comes flying over as we arrive in the crowded pub, dragging us to meet her family. The baby cousin turning out to be a chubby bundle of two-month-old boy in the arms of a pretty moody looking teenage mum. Hastily purchased present handed over, Shay and Lee leg it to the bar.<
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Rosa drags me to one side, an eyebrow raised in concern, “So, what the fuck went down last night eh, dolcezza?”.
I want to tell her, I feel I owe her my confidence but it feels just too private to share right now, so instead I go for neutral, “Rose, we had a chat and we're gonna be mates, see what happens I guess”, I smile weakly at her but can't hide a faint blush.
She smirks at me knowingly, fooled not at all by these platitudes, “Yeah right, you see what happens but I'll tell you this now, I'll want fucking details”, she points at my two accomplices, who are now nursing pints and glowering.
I spend the next hour chatting with Lee and Shay. As we laugh and joke, I realise that even if the more ridiculous, complex elements of our relationship have to stop, there is stuff here to build a real friendship on. Lee makes us both laugh with his quiet sarcasm and the banter between the two boys is just so funny, my cheeks hurt from laughing at them. Nico's family are not here because the baby's granddad is currently not speaking to Nico's dad. Rosa tells me that arguments happen a lot and will pass while I feel weird about the idea of seeing Nico whilst with Lee and Shay.
While the boys are demolishing food, Rosa steers me into a corner, whispering, “Look girl, you got the contra-fucking-ception situation sorted last week yeah?”, she's looking meaningfully down at my stomach as she speaks and I flush, realising that we never concluded that little discussion, the evening of my shameless deflowering of her cousin.
I nod furiously and whisper, “Oh God yeah, it was a panic over nothing. I came on the next day so all sorted”, I roll my eyes.
She’s still looking suspicious, “So who was it then eh? Who was the lad?”, she's not letting this go. Shit.