by Nia Lucas
This is worth being slapped for. This is worth everything. Being with them, it is everything. The three of us are in this world that we are creating and setting the rules for and I belong here. As I sleep in their arms, I realise that there is nothing I would not do to stay here with them. Nothing I would not sacrifice. I’m too giddy to hear the alarm bells, to feel the danger that ripples through the air. I just feel them, the boys that are filling my world, with room for little else. I choose them.
Saturday 17th June 1995
They spend most of the day working in the large function room for Gill, Shay painting and Lee tinkering with the chandeliers. Gill’s happily agreed to the boys staying in the flat until Thursday, my suspicion growing that she welcomes their daft, loud presence as well as their DIY skills. We grab a quick meal at the bar and then, despite my concerns that they've already had a long, hard day, Shay gets ready to drive us back to London to meet Nath at the club, a ridiculous plan frankly. Showered, changed and in our finery, we sling a couple of bags in the car and roar off in the Escort.
In my new corset-style top, my black mini-skirt and my FMB's, I feel a bit dangerous. As we break innumerable traffic laws down the M4, I find myself whispering long-forgotten prayers as I clutch the seat in terror. If O'Driscoll gets any sense that I'm scared by something he does, it makes him worse so keeping quiet but offering prayers to St. Christopher is my best course of action in terms of dealing with his driving. I put my faith in Lee to monitor him as I close my eyes and try not to whimper. Navigating the busy London streets, we arrive at the railway arches under which the Farringdon club is housed, fishing Ti, Rosa, a dapper-looking Nico and a couple of their cousins out of the queue as we walk straight in using my soon-to-be-staff status.
Nico is wide eyed in admiration as we bypass the crowds, “Oh my GOD Davies, you’re a legend”. Upon entering the club, Lee and Shay get into a secretive and intense chat at the bar with Ti almost immediately, all three of them looking like thunder.
I approach cautiously, “Guys, look, er, I should go find Nath, get the details about the festival. You coming?”, their stony gazes are focused on the floor and they both shrug. I turn to Rose, looking helpless as she nods, communicating that she will keep an eye on this lot for me.
Nico, looks bored and not wanting to risk leaving him with my two sulky grumps even at the best of times, I indicate for him to follow me and with a smirk he grabs my hand. Weaving through the rooms, we’re admitted into the office where a tanned Nath jumps up and hugs me.
He’s friendly and not-a-twat tonight. “Lorna, this is a bit last fucking minute eh? You still OK for the weekend? Got a lot riding on you doing Luca this festival gig”, Nath is smiling in a predatory manner
I brace myself as he continues, “Look, I want you in Ibiza this summer Lorna, I've got a fucking sweet deal on the promo for a massive club. Luca likes you and I want you there. I've been there for weeks, Justin too. I can get you a place to stay for free. Pay's shit but you'd just need food and spending cash so it's good. I need you there, the other girls are all fucking pill heads or slappers”, he's holding my shoulder, imploring me.
Nico looks at me open mouthed, admiration oozing from him as I very politely decline, expressing my real interest in the job but citing my age and precarious home life as the reason for my refusal.
Nath sighs but nods, “Well, if you change your mind love, I want you to call me, straight away, yeah?”, he passes me a new, crisp business card with an Ibiza club logo and a series of foreign contact phone numbers. I smile and pop it in my bra.
Nath hands me an envelope, “There's staff passes for the festival and all the details you need. You're still starting regular shifts here at the club, the Saturday after the festival, yeah? Get here usual time. I'll see you when I'm back in September I guess?”, he hugs me awkwardly, hands on my bare back as Nico gawps.
Stowing the tickets and grabbing Nico, we head off. As we re-enter the noise of the main room, Nico stalls forcing me to turn to him.
His expression is an odd mix of admiration, awe and concern as his hand cups my face, “Davies, Ibiza? London clubs? Who the actual fuck are you?”
I look at him, this person who is becoming such a key player in my life and honesty guides me. I feel my lip wobble as an odd sadness sweeps me.
I whisper, “Nico, I don’t really know any more”, Determined not to cry, I turn away and pull him into the crowded room.
By some miracle Rosa finds us, the lads God only knows where. After messing about on the dancefloor for hours as a threesome, Rose heads to the loo and I feel Nico's hands at my waist, gentle and non-threatening. We move together with ease, smiling and joking but then the track gets slower, the air crackles and his lips tipsily press to mine, gentle and soft. I pull back immediately, shaking my head and pushing gently on his chest, trying to move us away from the danger zone. It's then that I spot them, standing against the wall watching, Lee's face tight with fury and Shay looks like he's going to punch someone.
I mutter in Nico's ear, “Go get a drink, I'll find you in a bit”, as I take a deep breath and walk over to them muttering,“Hey”, as they scowl.
Shay's sneer is just plain nasty, “You fuckin' tha' little Italian prick again, eh Lorna?”, but my delicate sensibilities have had the edges rubbed off them. I know that they’re as invested in me as I am in them and I’ve done nothing wrong here. They've got a problem, they can bloody work through it without my help.
I tut, “Fucks sake Shay. Look, I got the tickets off Nath, I got the details for the festival. I'll stay at Rosa's tonight shall I? See you when you get over yourselves?”, flicking my long curls with as much sass as I can muster, I go to walk off.
I manage two steps before a pair of warm, scarred arms spin me round, “I ain't lettin’ you walk away from me again Shortie”, and Lee drags me into a dark corner, my cross body melting into his as he glides his lips over mine, claiming me, soothing me.
I cuddle him, mumbling into his chest, “Nico's just a mate, he's had a few beers, that's all”.
I eventually turn to Shay, his arms folding and unfolding as he jigs about on the spot behind us. Rolling my eyes, I shove Shay against the wall and kiss him like I want to hurt him. When Lee presses against my back, his hand immediately goes up my mini skirt as he moans against my neck, my hair swept to one side. We have to stop, this corner is dark but people aren't fucking stupid. Pushing them both away, we lean against the wall, side by side laughing.
I fish the tickets out of my bra, waving them, “Boys, we’re going to a Festival”, I snort and Lee laughs as Shay does a victory jig.
We head into the main room and dance for a bit, the music is genuinely brilliant and I’m excited at the prospect of working here but Shay’s is in a funny mood. He can't seem to settle and it started with that chat at the start of the night with Ti, of that I’m certain. He's quick to temper and when he properly loses his shit with a bloke who bumps into me, Lee restrains him with well practised ease and drags him off the dance floor, shock left in our wake.
At the bar, I scan their faces looking for an explanation as Lee sighs, “Ti got word from some mates on remand wiv them boys that shanked us. They're gonna go 'not guilty', Shortie. It’ll fuckin' go to trial and that shit'll start again. He's pissed off”, Lee nods at Shay.
Just at that moment Nico's voice comes from behind me, “Hey Lorn, you coming for a dance then?”
I’m pushed aside as, with a roar, Shay makes a lunge for him, shouting, “You touch her again bruv, I'll fuckin' kill you”, and all hell breaks loose.
Lee swoops straight in and grabs Shay, preventing the punch Shay’s throwing from meeting its target. Ti is there in a heartbeat, grabbing Nico who, without any hesitation about Shay's slight physical advantage, has a look of absolute fury on his face.
Nico’s going in for the kill, “You're the fucking cunt, you don't deserve her, she's too good for you, cazzo fottuto”, Nico is spitting fury as Ti struggles to restrain him
with any efficacy. Nico's green eyes are blazing and with his earring glinting in the strobe lights, he looks like a pirate engaged in a bar bawl. I'm shouting their names and begging for calm, Rosa of limited use with her face like a stunned mullet. Ti’s holding Nico back, Lee managing to wrestle Shay further away.
But then Nico roars out, “Those gang boys should have done me a favour and finished the fuckin’ job on you properly”, and that’s it. Lee has no choice but to release Shay lest Shay cause him injury and Ti loses his grip on Nico.
My yells alert the bouncers who are there in seconds, the now bleeding Shay prised off Nico who seems to actually have the advantage in this fight, his face unmarked. Oh Jesus Christ. The boys are removed in a flash by bouncers who come from nowhere, I don't even get to see where they drag them but Lee and Ti have followed and Rosa and I stand and stare at each other.
Rosa rolls her eyes and smirks, “Always with the fucking drama eh Jailbait?”, and slinging her arm around my waist, we head for the front door.
We locate the boys at the car where Ti has locked Nico in the BMW. Shay and Lee are nowhere in sight.
I open the car door, Ti shouting, “Don't let that little twat get out, I ain't fetchin’ him back, Irish can finish him for all I care”, as I climb in next to Nico.
Arching my brow I sigh, “Anything to say D’Angelo?”.
He doesn’t hide his smirk, looking like a cheeky pirate again, “Nah Lorn, I'm not saying nothing without a lawyer”, he nudges my shoulder and laughs, “You saw his face though Lorn, I fuckin' won that fight, yeah?”. He looks stupidly proud for a second before my scowl wipes the smirk off.
He seems to brace himself as I start to speak, “Nico”, I sigh, “You and me, we’re mates yeah? I like you so much Nico but I love Shay. I am so sorry if things have got muddled. Shay's a big, giant twat sometimes but he's my twat”, I look at him and smile placatingly, adding with a sigh, “I'd be grateful Nico if you didn't break him, I'd like to keep him around”. I squeeze his hand.
Nico puffs out a breath and looks at the roof, “He's no way good enough for you Lorn, you know that? He's fucking dangerous and he's going to get you into situations where you could get hurt. He don't deserve you, y'know. I fucking hate him. Me, I'd be looking after you, making you laugh. You deserve somebody good. He...he ain't it. I don't want to see you hurt Lorn, I...I care about you Davies”, Nico looks at me, his dark curls even deeper black in the darkness, those green eyes piercing and sincere.
You’re too good for me Nico, if you knew the truth about me, you’d walk away.
I can't look at him, he’s the twinge in my chest. Nico’s becoming my Kryptonite.
I gabble, “Nico, I’ve gotta go. I'll see you at the open air pool tomorrow, yeah? Rose says you guys’ll come once Ti’s dropped you home ”, I don't wait for a reply before I jump out of the car and go to find the boys whose broken bits match the broken parts of me. I glance backwards and see Nico slumped in the back seat, his head in his hands. The guilt makes me walk faster, even in stupid heels.
When I find them, they’re stood like glowering, muscled gnomes propped up against the Escort. I walk towards the car and stand with my arms crossed, it's hard to look fierce in a corset top and mini skirt, not so much scolding school marm, more grumpy strumpet.
I'm looking up at Shay, inches from his chest, “You started a fight, in the club where I will be working and you hit my friend”.
I take a deep breath and carry on, “Shay, nothing can ever be as hard or scary as what we went through that night, nothing. It doesn’t matter what happens just as long as you’re safe and alive”, my voice cracks and the tears threaten. “I want those boys to have a fucking trial, they hurt you so much and it still gives me nightmares. I love you and you nearly died”, as I let out a sob, Lee’s arms wrap around my back and Shay sweeps me into a bruising hug, his arms colliding with Lee as he buries his face in my neck.
In contemplative silence, we drive for the first time to their new flat near Bounds Green Tube, a nondescript 1960's four storey block on the main road. As Shay pulls up, I feel a swoop of loss, this place doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like them. I want us to drive to the old flat on The Farm because that's where they belong. It's 3am and Shay's trainers squeaking on the lino are the only noise as we walk up the stairs and unlock the plain wooden door off a small balcony. This flat smells like an old person, that odd aroma of talc and TCP. The flat is carpeted in an astonishing 1970's Horse Chestnut leaf print and the Elephant sofa, my old friend, looks like it's being held hostage amongst the foliage. I follow Lee silently into the kitchen, all faded brown Formica and Wilton Kitchen Carpet. Shay loiters awkwardly in the doorway, his whole frame screaming desolation. There is nothing of them here in this place, it's like we've broken into an old lady's home. Their stuff is in messy piles all over the place, no sense that they actually live here. It’s like they’re squatting.
That night, on a hastily assembled floorbed made of mattresses that are old and lumpy, I cling to Shay like a spider monkey, wanting to reassure him. Lee is nestled tight into my back, his breath gently moving my hair with each exhale. When we wake the next morning, we are in the same position, none of us have moved away in our sleep. The flat feels less alien as the sun rises. The patterned carpet however, remains terrifying.
I'm in too deep now to see any of the danger that stalks me, that stalks them. All I see is us. I don't feel the creeping risk. I’m theirs.
Sunday 18th June 1995
“Lor, I’m….I’m worried Midget”, Dan folds his lanky carcass next to me as we sit on the paint-peeling bench of the open air pool cafe, his blond hair damp and shaggy. Me, Dan and Han, we’ve always come here on the opening Sunday of the pool summer season but this year with the addition of boyfriends, Farm Boys and D’Angelos, we’re quite the tribal outing. After breakfast with Jock in London, Shay, Lee and I headed straight here, Dan, Han and Chris getting the bus to meet us and Ti dropping a hung-over Nico and Rosa on their way back from London.
I was a bit surprised to see Nico and Dan immediately fall into conversation when they arrived. Han had commented that the boys have begun to interact frequently at school, a jolt of shame hitting me as I realise how absorbed I must have been in my own dramas to have missed this development. Last night’s fight has banged another coffin nail into relations between Nico, Lee and Shay and the loaded sneers and death stares exchanged between the three of them have put everyone on edge this afternoon.
Dan’s squinting into the distance where Han and Chris are ‘play fighting’, taking any excuse to touch each other. I notice that Dan looks a bit broken, his huge frame slumped.
Sighing, he turns to me, his smile tight and his gaze concerned, “Lor, D’Angelo he…he’s turned out to be solid, a good guy”, Dan looks over at where a fully-clothed Lee and a board-short wearing Shay are at the pool edge, Shay trying to push Lee in but failing.
Dan nods at them, “I like them Lor, I do. Shay’s fucking funny and your mate Lee, he seems cool”, Dan turns again to face me, his gaze searching, “Lor, the stabbing stuff sounded scary enough but I’m hearing from D’Angelo about fights and clubs and sleazy promoters...and Lor, I...I need you to be safe Midget”, Dan looks down at his fingers and whispers, “Don’t push her Lor. Don’t give her any more ammo. She’s...different since...since…”, Dan points at my once-battered face, wincing.
A loud shout from Shay makes everyone look over, just as a smirking Lee, who’s fully dressed but brandishing a lilo, manages to sweep Shay’s legs and upend him into the pool. I can’t hide the big grin as I watch them and their cocky responses to the lifeguard’s furious whistles. I see Han laugh but I note that Nico and Chris look like thunder. Nico catches my eyes and I feel an ache in my ribs from the disappointment in his expression, my smile faltering.
“I saw you with Lee in the car park Midget”, Dan’s voice is barely a whisper as he sighs and I break Nico’s gaze to look at him, my heart starting to thud. Lee and
I had chanced a sneaky snog in the car park while Shay had gone to get changed.
Dan looks over at where Nico is now chatting to Rosa, Han and Chris, “Be careful Lor, yeah. I don’t know what’s really going on for you but for fuck’s sake be careful. I love you Midget”, and with a kiss to my head, Dan jumps up and jogs over to where Han is queuing at the food stand, a shy smile on his face.
As the panic fades, I smile a wobbly smile at Shay as he beckons me into the water with a leering smirk at my swimsuit clad form. Without hesitating, I take a running jump into his arms, as Lee lobs inflatables at us.
Monday 19th June 1995
Outside the exam hall, Ellie, Jenny and I whoop and squeal, celebrating the end of our exam torment. El is having a post-exam party at her house tomorrow night and when I ask her if I can bring the lads, she squeals louder and we all laugh, her burgeoning crush on Shay something that she openly acknowledges and which I encourage, proud of my fit boyfriend. Skilfully dodging my house arrest, the boys come to collect me from school as a shopping trip is needed for festival stuff. They’ve spent the day helping Gill around the pub and they’re hyped from her praise and gratitude.