by Nia Lucas
She rolls her eyes, “Get up you daft bastards. Chris?! What are you doing here? Oh shit, is Han OK?” as Lor wriggles free and gets up, I see big fuckin' bruises on her shoulders and raw bits on the backs of her ankles.
Soft-Lad Chris tells her why he's here, how fast I fuckin' drove and I see her turn to us, arms folded, eyebrows raised. We're in for shit now.
Dickhead goes on the defence, “I told you not to fuckin' go Little Red but wha' do I know eh? Fuck Lor, what you done to yourself?”, he's spotted her messed up shoulders and he's on her again, holdin' her like I want to.
She hugs him close and kisses him on the lips, a proper kiss. I'm lookin' at the floor and listenin' to her tell him what happened, 'bout some map readin', Han takin' over from some other girl that had got them lost, her gettin' too cold, falling down some hill, no dry clothes coz her bag got wet, no warmth, wet sleepin' bag, fuckin' hospital. I still want to punch some fucker and I can't even kiss her now coz he has and that means I ain't got a hope till we're alone. She's there in front of me, lookin' at me like she knows what I'm thinkin'. Her muddy little skinny spaghetti arms reach out to hold my hands and then she kisses me and I feel that burnin' just go the fuck away. Chris, he's lookin' like he got fucked by a truck. He saw her kissin' both of us. Yeah bruv, she's mine too.
We go back to her bed and Lor sleeps for a bit and Chris, he decides to go get munch in the cafe. Me and him, we ain't leavin' her. She's the one that sorts everythin' out, she's the one that makes life good and now she's lyin' in that bed lookin' broke. Them nurses, they ain't happy, they keep tellin' us that visitin' time's over, that we need to go. Shay keeps noddin', smirkin' and ignorin' them. He'd pull that shit at school when we was kids, he ain't changed. Shay, he looks like he's gonna murder some fucker when we’re sat by her bed, lookin’ at her.
He says, “Bruv, I ain't havin' her hurt, this is messin' wi' my head. So, no more, she don't go nowhere wi'out us. School and that's fuckin' it. I ain't stayin' here, we're takin' her home”, and he stands up and walks off towards them nurse girls, “Oi darlin', our girl, she's all good? We're gonna take her home now yeah? You good wi' that?”, that dickhead is loud man.
Them nurses, I can tell he's freaked them out. They ain't keen, I hear one of them sayin' that her blood pressure is 'low' and that they are worried 'bout her bein' ' very underweight'. I get up and see Chris lookin' for us as he susses out quick that Shay's causin' shit. He goes over and I hear him tryin' to calm Shay down but it ain't workin' so I get up and go over.
Shay’s talkin' to the boss nurse, the scary one, “Nah love, she's good now, she looks good. She's always been proper skinny an’ tha’, I'll get her to eat some chips”, Shay's gettin' worked up, this ain't good, it won't end peaceful.
“Shay, Shay shhhh, shhh there's people sleeping”, I spin round and Shortie's there, in that stupid hospital dress, lookin' like battered shit.
She don't look good, Shay's wrong 'bout that man. Them nurses ain’t wrong, she's too fuckin’ skinny coz she don’t never eat but Lor's sharp. She's worked out that Shay ain't comin' back down unless we go and if he stays, he's gonna get in shit.
She talks quiet to the nurse, “Um, I think I'm feeling much better now. I know I need to rest, keep warm and take it easy so I'll do that. I'm sorry to have caused so much fuss, thanks for all you've done. I'll discharge myself I think. Thanks, thanks again”, Shortie looks really fuckin' shamed.
She's got Shay by the hand and that big, rattled fucker gets her bag and we start to walk away, Shortie's slipped them wet boots on that were under her bed and she's nicked my hoodie. The nurses are tryin' to stop her, tryin' to get her to stay but she smiles, that smile she does when she's proper shamed and she just whispers 'thanks again' at them.
We’re down the corridor when she whispers, “Lee” and I'm there to catch her as she passes out coz some prick made her leave hospital too early.
I'm carryin' her, holdin' her close. I see that tear fall out the corner of her eye and wanna kill Shay. That dickhead at least gets a couple of blankets off a trolley we go past, puts them round her.
Chris comes wiv' us, we don't give him no choice even tho' he's back here gettin' Han tomorrow. I sit in the back of the car holdin' Shortie tight. We've got her under two blankets, all our coats and she's got my socks on her feet but she's still shiverin'. Shay's chattin' shit drivin’ like a crazy man, he ain't got no clue that his fuckin' mental shit causes consequences and them consequences are Lor makin' another sacrifice for him, to keep him peaceful, to keep it all sweet.
Me and him, we never met no girl like her before. She don't front, don't mind makin' a dick of herself. She's a fuckin' boss when she needs to be (I ain't never got over her takin' down that posh bitch at that party) and she makes me laugh like a twat but then there's the stuff that sends me mental. She's so fuckin' stubborn, she don't listen to nobody and she knows that being mates wiv' D'Angelo drives me and him mental but she still does it. She was wiv' him the night before she went on this campin’ shit, she fucked off there coz this dickhead was doin' her head in 'bout her goin'. She won't play us, I know it but D'Angelo, he loves her. You can tell, no bullshit, that he loves her deep. Takes one to know one.
We got back from Ibiza and she organised a massive 21st at that club in town for me and him. Then she got both us boys back into college even though she was catchin' up wiv' a mission of school work, gettin' the flat set back up and gettin' back to work for Gill. That's the shit she does, all the fuckin' time, for me and him. She makes it right.
She can't move out of bed when we get back from that hospital, she ain't never been ill before like this. Han got back the next day, she finished the expedition thing like a boss and come straight over.
She proper fuckin' lays into Shay, “What the fuck were you thinking Shay? No, scrap that, you don't ever think do you? Chris told me you just decided to make her leave a bloody hospital coz you were bored of waiting. You know she'll do anything for you, you twat. This is not over, I am so angry with you”, Han goes off into our bedroom and I hear her talkin' gently to Lor.
Shay, he looks pissed off but I know it ain't that. He's worried.
He punches the wall, “Nowhere bruv, she goes nowhere wi'out us. No-fuckin-where. Not fuckin' ever”, and he walks off and puts the TV on. He means it. I hate the cunt right now.
Wednesday 25th December 1996
Dan, he's had three Stellas already and the boy is full of chat, “Midget, this is gooooood. Pete, he can roast a turkey. So c'mon then, what we all doin' in 1997, eh?”, he looks proper wrecked.
Lor worked Christmas Day lunch for Gill today and now it's our turn for munch. Danny Boy, he's come over. He weren't s'posed to but that psycho bitch's done his head in so he's legged it and come to ours. Ours. I fuckin' love sayin' that.We got wise to Shortie this year, her and her Santa shit. This year, me and him we got her a sack, fuck that stockin' shit, we got her a sack big enough to put her in and we filled it. She proper cried. Things, they've been tough coz we've all been workin' extra hours and Shortie, she's had them exams.
Shortie, she's laughin' at Dan and she tells him that this year is all 'bout her drivin' test and goin' to Uni. She's hittin' the kid coz he's takin' the piss out of her drivin' but I see Shay, I see him frown and I feel my fuckin' bones ache coz he don't want her goin' to Uni. Her and Jock, they been talkin' for ages 'bout Uni's in London. We got this whole plan, we chatted it through in Ibiza. We said that she'll go to Uni in London and we're gonna get a big one-bed place to save dough, somewhere nice, somewhere fuckin' safe. Clapham or some shit she was goin' on 'bout but the last few weeks, she started talkin' 'bout other places, talkin' 'bout 'options' and 'just having a look'.
She went to Leeds and Liverpool, stayin' wiv' her cousin in Liverpool for two nights. Shay did my fuckin' head in that whole time. Her and him, they had the worst fuckin' set-to when she said she was goin' for them visits, he told her that he weren't lettin' her go. I mean the twat has a fuckin' death wish. Ib
iza, it made her, I dunno, feisty. I fuckin' love it, swear down, but it makes him push against her. He lost. She fucked off to Han's for the night and we didn't talk 'bout it again. When the time came and she went on that train, he sulked like a kid, “Lee, wha' the fuck she need to go Uni for eh? She don't need more exams, she got all them A's already”.
Shay don't get it, dopey prick. Her goin' to Uni, it's all she ever wanted to do, gettin’ away from here. Him not understandin' that, it says a lot 'bout the clues he don't have. Truth? I don't care where we go, I'll follow her fuckin' anywhere. Him though, Jesus, we got problems ahead, I know it and it makes me tweak. When she came back from them Uni visits, she was buzzin', it was Leeds she kept goin' on 'bout. The more she talked, the more I fuckin' stressed coz Shortie's got no useful poker face. Her heart ain't in them London plans no more.
Shay, there ain't no bend in him, there ain't never been. Nobody has never got him to do any fuckin' thing he don't want to. Shortie, she thinks that she's the one makin' that twat go to them lessons to read and write. She ain't. She's the reason he's goin' but he's always wanted to learn it. Shortie askin' him to go? That was his golden ticket. He won't never fuckin' wanna live in Leeds. He's gonna be back in London, me and Shortie wiv' him and neither me nor her got any choice. That boy, he's in her blood like he's in mine. She ain't got no chance of goin' 'gainst him.
Her and Dan, they don't see his moody dickhead face, they're laughin' too much. Lor, she don’t eat much but Dan’s had like nine plates worth. I gotta be honest, I ain't got no clue why that drivin' teacher told her to book that test, Shay made me piss myself when he said it was coz the fucker was takin' a punt at getting free from her shit drivin'.
She’s laughin’ now, “Lee, lets go for a drive, after lunch? I need to prove to Danny Boy that I’m an excellent driver. I am Shay, aren't I? I'm an OK driver?”, she looks at him wiv' them big green eyes and I see him melt like a pussy.
Truth is, Shay loves Lor deep. The shit he pulls, the fuckin' hassle he causes her, it don't come from nowhere dark, he just never had nobody to fuckin' love before and it messes him up.
When we was fifteen, we nicked a motorbike me and him, a beast that some prick had left unlocked outside a chicken shop. We was freaked 'bout movin' from Albion and we'd been on a mission for days, causin' shit and kickin' off. That bike scared the proper shit out of us. It took us, we never took it. Shay didn't have no control and it fucked off up the road wiv' us just tryin' to hold the fuck on. Big, hard men, the bad-ass Farm Boys, in control, ownin' it? Nah, we ain't jack shit. Lovin' Shortie's like bein' on that bike every fuckin' day. She owns us and me and that prick, we just hold on tight and hope that we survive it OK coz if we lose hold of her, if we lose this? We’re fucked. There ain't nothin' but her.
Shay, he's smilin' that cocky smile, “Little Red, I gotta be honest love, you drive 'bout as good as Lee cooks”, Lor’s pretendin' to look pissed off but she's lookin' at him like he's amazin'. She ain't looked at him like that for a while and it makes him grin like a prick.
She shouts, “RIGHT! We're going for a drive, shut you bastards up. Dan, you gonna come?”, she's smilin'.
Danny Boy shouts, “Jesus Christ no! Midget, I've tasted Lee's chilli, you must be really shit at driving”, laughing like he's a comedian.
Fuck’s sake, “OI fucker! One more word 'bout that fuckin' chilli, I'm gonna do some damage”, I ain't heard the end of that chilli shit. (“Lee, I love you so much but what in God's name did you put in this? It tastes like bleach. Did you follow the instructions?”).
The rest of the chat is proper funny. Malachi and me, we weren't never like Lor and Dan. I like watchin' them together, makes me feel easy knowin' that somebody else loves her right, somebody else is lookin' out for her. Her dad? That useless prick never comes see her, he ain't never even been inside this flat. He's a piece of shit. Lor don't see it, we had a row 'bout it. She thinks he's a good bloke tryin' his best. He ain't. He's a fuckin' prick who wants an easy life and he don't look out for her like a Dad should and that bitch she calls a Mum? I'd do time for the chance to get my hands on her throat again. She's fuckin' evil. I lived wiv' evil so I should fuckin' know. Lor, she ain't nothin' like them useless pricks, makes me wonder where all the good stuff in her came from. I don't reckon she's theirs, swear down.
We drop Dan off and Shortie drives us back to the pub, Shay pisses himself laughin’ when she stalls it like a hundred times. He's proper funny, Shortie's laughin’ at herself and as we get back in the flat, I see that look she gives when she's up for messin' 'bout. I hear Shay swear and I watch as she wriggles out of her knickers and she hands them to him as she climbs in my lap and she's kissin' me like she's tryin' to melt inside me. She undoes my jeans and reaches in, moving me to where I want to be, coz right now all I want is to be inside her.
“Oi, you ain't leavin' me out of this shit”, Shay, he's losin' it, strippin' her clothes off her while she's ridin' me hard and she don't stop, even as he gets her naked.
Shay, he's kissin' her back but she's just lookin' at me, those eyes are on me as I come hard and she says, “I love you so much. I love you Lee”, I ain't never been more glad that he don't concentrate when he's distracted.
Coz she's done that thing 'gain, the way she says 'you'. Like this is just me and her. I ain't got the first clue how I handle this. He lifts her off me and starts lovin' her and he's gentle. It's slow and she looks proper fuckin' surprised, she looks at me over his shoulder and I can tell, it weren't what she was expectin'. He's lovin' her like she deserves. He tells her how much he loves her, he kisses her and I see her noddin' and kissin' him. I see the tears that she wipes when he ain't lookin'.
Watching TV later on, he's messin' 'bout and he's proper funny. I mean, he's a dickhead but he's always been fuckin' funny. She's laughin', I'm laughin' and it's golden. It's like we're back on the Farm, like the beginnin'. It's the best day. She's my Shortie. She's his Little Red. Ours. His. Mine.
Tuesday 4th March 1997
In the van this mornin' heading to the builders yard, he had that shifty look. I've known that look for nearly fuckin' fifteen years. It means shit’s headin' my way. He pissed straight off to the back office when we got there, leavin' me to handle the order paperwork like always.
Shortie, she don't know he's pissed-off wiv' her but I know it. Last night, she was readin' some shit for school and he wanted attention. He always wants her right now, it's like he's tryin' to hold onto somethin' that's fuckin' slippin'. Shortie, she proper flinched and tutted when he went to kiss her. He saw that flinch and it weren't no 'I'm busy' twitch, it was “I don't want you”. It was deeper. She don't want him. Shortie didn't realise she’d done it, she was concentratin' on her work, reading them books on the table.
He didn't treat her good last night, he got wiv' her proper rough. I can't handle it when he gets like that wiv' her, it messes wiv' my head. She don't tell him to chill, to go easy, she just rolls wiv' it, tryin' to calm the cunt down by lettin' him fuck her how he wants. It makes me want to lay him out. When she's frontin' that she's OK, that she's good, its me she holds onto, me that feels her shakin'. She don't hold onto him no more. Not for weeks. Slippin'. I know she cries, I just never catch her at it. Truth? I don't wanna catch her, coz if I see her cry coz of him, I'll fuckin' kill him and if he's gone, I'm gone too. Kill him, it's killin' me too. One and the same. I ain't got the first clue how I put this right.
Checkin' off this order at the Yard was a mission, we’ve been working for Damian for ‘bout four months now and it’s good. Shay comes out the office door, smilin' like a prick and she comes out behind him, that stupid blonde secretary bitch from the Yard office that was all over him last week. She gives him his hoodie, smiles weird at him and he kisses her on the cheek and right then, I know it. He just fucked her.
The blood is roarin' through my ears. I feel fuckin' sick, I feel like I want to walk down that road and just keep walkin', walk until I reach the fuckin' sea and then walk of
f them cliffs. Coz what he's done, again? Cheatin’ on Shortie? We won't survive that shit. Lor'll leave.
I can't be wiv'out her, not now. Too deep, I'm in too fuckin' deep since that first touch in Nath's car and now? Now I can't breathe if she ain't around. At Jock's last weekend, I thought we'd got sorted. In Jock's shitty garden, Shay makin' us laugh at his shit 'bout runnin' the fuckin' marathon and I figured we was there again. Good times. Old times. We'd had that party at the pub for her 18th, Han and Dan helped us sort it out. Last weekend though was just us wiv' Jock, havin' a BBQ in the middle of pissin' winter for her birthday. Lor's been spaced, she's been shady for weeks now. I can't figure it out, it makes me tweek when she ain't right. I know she ain't all OK wiv' goin' to Uni in London, I know that. She says 'yeah' to the plans but her face, it don't look like she means it.
In his garden, Jock asked her 'bout some form she had to hand in for Uni, askin' her which London ones she's put on it. She was total shifty, wouldn't say much and that ain't like her. She's gone silent 'bout Uni since Christmas, after Shay said she was goin' to Uni in London like we'd planned in Ibiza coz we weren't goin' nowhere else. You can't fuckin' argue wiv' him when he's like that. Shortie knows that. Then at the weekend, eatin' Jock's burnt BBQ shit and laughin' at how much of a prick Shay is, I figured we was cool again. Shay looked at her like she was his world that day, like he loved her more than anythin'. I felt safe in us. It ain't lasted.
Me? I don't give a shit where we live as long as it's wiv' her. And him. I don't know who the fuck I am wiv'out that twat, it's like we don't work on our own, we ain't a complete person. The truth is, neither of us be whole people. Jock, he's got folders of paper that tells anyone who reads them that me and him, we're fucked up. We don't work on our own, we gotta make up the holes in us by bein' a unit. One and the same. He's screwed Shortie over now so that means I have too and right now, right fuckin' now, I hate him