Choices Shape, Losses Break

by Nia Lucas

  She's gone to that party, wiv' D'Angelo. It's late and we're on the Playstation.

  Shay looks at me, “Lee, if she ain't around no more, wha' the fuck do we do?”

  I look at him and my voice don't sound right, “There ain't no 'if' Shay. It's fuckin' 'when' bruv. You and me? We're on borrowed time and there ain't shit we can do 'bout it”, he looks at me, that stupid, pretty-boy face that I know better than my fuckin' own.

  He closes his eyes and sits back, he looks broke, “Lee, I ain't fuckin' goin' back to that shitty life, not after we've had this wi' her. Goin' nowhere, havin' fuck all worth shit? I ain’t goin’ back there. We gotta keep hold o' her, coz if we lose her? You and me, we got jack shit”

  I nod. I just nod. He's my blood. He's all I've ever fuckin' had. Tick tock, tick tock. Time's up.

  Thursday 3rd April 1997

  I ain't certain when I knew for sure. Maybe it was gettin' them results from college last week. 'Fail'. Foundation Electrics. Not that much of a fuckin' surprise. I knew I was gonna fuck it up so never bothered doin' the exam. I never told Shortie.

  Or maybe it was Easter? Lor, she hid chocolate eggs all over the fuckin’ place for us to find. Me and him, we was creased up, coz nothin' was hidden over five foot high up. Shay told her it was, “A chocolate mission for fuckin' leprechauns”. We ate them till Shay nearly hurled and then sat and watched shit films all day, cuddlin' up to her on the sofa while she rubbed Shay's belly and called him a 'Greedy Twat'. Then Dan come over. The boy went mental on chocolate and Lor ripped the piss out of him too. Maybe it was then, when I cottoned on she treats Shay like she treats Dan. When I saw her smile at Shay, like she smiles at Dan. She loves Shay, loves him deep, just not the same way she loves me. Maybe I knew then just how fucked we was coz Shay don't love her like no brother. He don't wanna just be her mate that she loves. He's all fuckin' in for her. This’ll fuckin' end him.

  Maybe it was at that thing at her school when I knew? Before she finished at Easter, Lor, she got 'Student of the Year'. No fuckin' joke. Han, she told us we had to go to the presentation thing and Shortie, she cried when we turned up. She stood up, in front of all them people and she did this speech 'bout hopes and dreams and not givin' up, even when things are tough. How you stick wiv' things, you don't walk away.

  Maybe it was then, when I worked out she won't never leave us, not even if it fuckin’ kills her. This girl, she's kiddin' herself if she thinks she'd go to Leeds and leave us. She don't never give up, she's loyal. She'll come wiv' us to the city and she won't go near where her dreams are, no matter what she's thinkin' right now. When the time comes, she'll give up Leeds for us. She's already give up her fuckin' family, her home for us. She'll give this up too and she'll make out like it was what she wanted all along. It will fuckin' destroy her. Student of the year. University. Twelve fuckin' GCSE's. Him and me? He still can't fuckin' read more than a few words and I just messed up a Foundation Electrics course.

  Tonight we went out to that shitty club near here and I watched her wiv' her mates. She was messin' 'bout, laughin' at D'Angelo dancing, laughin' at Han and Rosa coz Ti and her were down for Easter. She looked proper happy, I ain't really seen her like that since Ibiza. She's laughin', in the middle of the dance floor and that's when I see it happen. Shay swaggers over wiv' Ti and her face fuckin' flickers. You'd only see it if you was watchin' her but I am, see. I'm always watchin' her. That smile slips, that happy look goes and for a second, she looks heavy, looks like she remembered somethin' sad as she looks at Shay. But then it's gone. She slaps a fake-assed smile on and carries on like nothin' happened.

  Time's up.

  We came home but Shay, he ain't right. He's fuckin' tweakin', hyped up and he don't even wait to get up the stairs before he's on her. I hear her tellin' him to hold on, to give her a chance but he's too gone. He pulls her into the bathroom and I hear him get wiv her in the shower but I ain't into it right now. It don't feel right, it don't sound right, I feel like I wanna go in there and stop it. He comes out, smirkin' like a twat but Shortie, she stays in the shower for long enough that I worry more. My heart is beatin' the fuck out my chest coz truth? I feel like behind this door is something I ain't gonna want to see.

  She's sittin' in the bath, the fuckin' water pourin' down on her hair.

  She whispers, “Shut the door Lee, please. I....I don't want Shay to see, he'll be upset if he sees”

  I shut the door but I ain't got a clue what she's on 'bout ‘til I look down. The water runnin' down the drain, it's red. She's bleedin'.

  “Shortie? What's....?”, I think my heart stopped beatin'.

  She's whisperin' again, “He didn't know Lee, it isn't his fault, he didn't know, I think with the water, he didn't feel that...that I wasn't into it enough, I wasn’t, y’know, ready. I wanted to be...but I couldn't...now it hurts and...there’s bleeding. He didn't know Lee, please, please don't tell him. I guess I'm just tired or maybe it's coz you weren't there. Can you....can you just grab my knickers and PJ's for me? I need to....I need to use something, for the blood”.She wraps her arms around her legs and she looks so fuckin’ broken.

  I feel every kind of sick. I feel ready to kill the fuckin' cunt. I feel ready to roar and them flames are lickin' round my arms. She sees it in my face when she finally looks up. She winces and hisses, she's in proper pain.

  As she stands up, I see the blood run down her little legs in lines as she holds my arms, “Lee, promise me Lee, you don't tell him. PLEASE. If he knows he's hurt me, he'll be so sad, please. Please”, she starts to cry an’ I pull her to me.

  That's when I fuckin' knew.

  I got her kit and I held her tight in the bathroom while she whispered some more how it weren't his fault. He's sat there smilin' like a fuckin' prick when we come out, not the first clue what shit's gone down.

  He yawns, “Tha’ was a top night yeah? You 'kay Little Red? Bed yeah?”, he gets up and we just follow him.

  I hold her to me, her face against my chest for the whole night. Shay, he ain't got the first fuckin' clue wha's goin' on but I don't give a shit coz I'm holdin' close the only person I've ever fuckin' loved. The only good thing I ever had. I kiss her hair. I play every second wiv' her in my head, two years of memories. I don't sleep for one minute. I touch every inch of her, whisper how much I fuckin' love her into her skin while she sleeps. I tell her that she is all I ever wanted but that I know that my luck just ran the fuck out and that we need to let her be.

  I whisper that I'm leavin' her wiv' good people, Han, Dan, Gill, Pete, Jock. I tell her that D'Angelo, he's a prick but he loves her, even though it kills me. I tell her that we can't stay coz we will drag her down and she deserves so much fuckin' better. She deserves her dreams and me and him, we'll be the fuckin' end of them. I say goodbye to everythin' I have wiv' her as I hold her close and my tears turn me to ashes.

  Friday 5th April 1997

  This mornin', it come like every other one. She ain't got school this week so me and him, we head to work wiv'out her. She's made us breakfast, she's kissin' that prick like usual, laughin', smilin'. Like lovin' him didn't fuckin' rip her and make her bleed. Like lovin' us ain't slowly killin' her, draggin' her down. Makin' her sad and thin and heavy. Like she ain't trapped.

  I worked out last night what we need to do, I just can't think 'bout it 'til she's not in front of me. He goes to the car and I feel like I wanna fall on my knees and beg. I wanna get back in that bed wiv' her and never fuckin' come out but last night told me I can't. Last night told me it's over, time has run the fuck out coz I can't never cut him loose. We need to let her go, we need to let her be, before we proper fuck her life up.

  I kiss her, I don't let on how fuckin' shredded I am. I kiss her, I tell her I love her more than anyone or anythin'.

  She smiles that fuckin' beautiful smile and she gives me the lunch she's made, “I love you too you big loon. See you at teatime, yeah? Make sure Shay eats the banana, I don't reckon he's had any fruit or veg all week, just bloo
dy Easter Chocolate. I love you Lee”, she kisses me and smiles.

  I go, I gotta fuckin' go before I collapse on them stairs. My last view of her is her in them stupid PJ's wiv' her crazy hair all over the shop. My Shortie. I turn and walk away for good, leavin' the only person I ever fuckin' loved behind me.

  Friday April 4th 1997, 12.51pm

  Shay knows that I ain't fuckin' right but we don't talk. I can't fuckin' focus on nothin’. Lunch comes and I open my box. In it, that mental girl has put a note, “I love you so much Lee Barrett. I'm glad you're mine Xxxx”. He's got one too. “O'Driscoll, EAT THE BLOODY FRUIT, you div xxx”. I feel the tears on my face and I leg it over to the van before any fucker can see. Shay, he sees I ain't right though. He comes after me. I feel so tired, my bones feel fuckin' heavy man.

  I hear him climb in the passenger side, “Bruv? Lee? You're freakin' me out. Wha' the fuck?”, he looks like that day I kicked off at that cafe with Jock, like he's seen a ghost.

  I can't do nothin' but bawl, I feel too fuckin' heavy to fight it. I drive the van out of the site and I don't say nothin'. He's lookin' at me like he realises that this ain't just about me an' I see him lose it,

  “Lee.....bruv…?”, he sounds fuckin' ruined. He sounds like I feel. I take a few breaths and I pull over. I wipe my face in my t-shirt.

  I look at my best mate, the only one who's as fucked as me, the other half of me. “Shay, you trust me not to fuck you over, tell you shit that ain't true?”, he nods and I keep going, “It's...it's finished bruv. We're over, our time ran the fuck out. Her and us? It's gotta fuckin' end. Right now”, I see him go pale. I see him try and shake his head but he can't even fuckin' do that. He knows.

  I look at him and I realise, I ain't doin’ him no favours by not tellin’ him, “Lovin' us, it's killin' her man, it's fuckin' her life up and we gotta leave her be”. I look out the windscreen, “You made her bleed last night bruv, you fucked her when she weren't ready and you messed her up bad, she was bleedin’. She didn't want me to tell you but truth is, she let you proper hurt her coz she loves you too much to make you feel like shit”, Shay, he goes white and I see him push the door open before he pukes out the door, shakin’.

  I talk at his back as he pukes, the rain coming in the van now, “She ain't going to Uni in London bruv. She's goin' to Leeds, she's gonna see us settle right and then she's goin'. She ain't told us coz she don't want us to go with her, she wants to go by herself. Even if she don't see it through and stays, we've lost her Shay, we've fuckin' lost her coz she'd be stayin' out of loyalty, not coz it's what she wants. She ain't ours no more”, my voice sounds like I swallowed razor blades.

  He gets out the van and I hear him fuckin' roar. I get out and he's there, leanin' against the van, shoutin' in the rain. He's punchin' the metal and his knuckles are bleeding. I go to him, we ain't hugged more than a few times in our whole fuckin' lives but I'm holding the fucker now. I'm holding him up and we're both bawlin'. He's the one that ends it. He kicks the van a few times and then he yells, he screams like he's fuckin' furious. Then he gets in the van and I do the same. I feel so fuckin' sick. The rain’s started to fall heavy and the noise of it on the van roof is proper loud. It's like we got drummers beatin' a countdown.

  His voice cracks, “Lee, Lee, I'm so fuckin' tired”, and he starts bawling again, “I'm just...I'm fuckin' done Lee. I can't fuckin' go back to havin' nothin', going fuckin' nowhere. She's the reason things got good, she makes it good. If we ain't got her.....if we've fuckin' lost her...?”, he proper loses it now, the rain's gettin' louder.

  He looks at me, “It ain't enough no more, just me an' you. It ain't enough. I need her Lee, I fuckin' need her”, I nod and we're both bawlin' again but there ain't no shame. Fifteen years.

  I look at him, “Shay, we got two years we never should have. It was her saved us that night we got shanked and we got this extra time, yeah? We got this time wiv her, we didn't fuckin' deserve it but we got it and it was....she is....I'm done bruv, I'm so tired of losin' shit, of losin' people”, he nods, he's bawlin' but he's noddin’.

  Like his throat is fuckin' shredded he croaks, “Wha' the fuck we gonna do Lee?”

  I feel like a robot, like some machine, the words just chug out my mouth. Everything feels too fuckin' heavy. I tell him what happens next.

  He looks at me like when he didn't' understand shit at school and he whispers, “So, we’re goin’ now, yeah?”, I nod.

  I get us on that main road. The rain, it's like a waterfall now and this shitty van, it don't handle so good even in the dry but I get faster, my foot heavy on that pedal.

  “Lee, bruv, I... Blood yeah, forever”, Shay looks wrecked.

  I nod, “Yeah Shay. Together bruv, always”

  I close my eyes for a second. I see ginger curls, green eyes, kind smiles and soft skin. I hear her soft voice tellin’ me she loves me. My Shortie. His Little Red. Lor. The girl we love. The girl we need to let be.

  I press my foot down harder and I see that speedo crankin’ higher, takin’ us where we need to go. I see the place up ahead and I push harder as it comes closer.

  We fuckin' choose you Shortie. We're choosin' you.

  Preview of “Futures Beckon, Pasts Threaten” by Nia Lucas

  Due for Release: Autumn 2020

  Prologue

  20th September 1997

  Luck. As this member of staff from the Halls of Residence tells us assembled Freshers that we are lucky to have landed ourselves at this lovely University, I try and smile like the people around me but it's like my lips missed the memo. There are hundreds of us in this massive assembly room, you can smell the desperation, see the eagerness for acceptance on every face. Maps, flyers, attack alarms and freebies are clutched in my hands but they feel like ashes. Being here is simultaneously everything that I wanted and everything that I feared but amidst all this internal turmoil, I’m certain of one thing.

  I'm not lucky.

  I’m not sure this state has a definition, no pithy sobriquet for this territory in which I find myself. Fucked is as accurate as it gets. Fucked and alone. So completely alone that I feel like I’m transparent. Luck comes nowhere near me, it hasn't done for years on reflection.

  I struggled to give people my name earlier. Genuinely. I have no clue who I am. I don't have Dan, Han or Nico's hands in mine to lead me onwards, to force me to zombie plod. I don't have the understanding of people who know the me I used to be.

  I've arrived at Uni on an auto-pilot that is refined and perfected and I'll hold onto this bastard like a comfort blanket because honestly, it's all I've got.

  Every eighteen-year-old here turned up at Uni with a clean slate, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to create a new, improved self but what I know is different about me, as I listen to this bloke drone on about 'respect for our neighbours', is that I’m not looking to create a cooler or more dynamic personality. That sort of endeavour is ultimately benign and will find its own balance eventually, after the haze of Freshers Week lifts and pretences slip. No, I’m looking to silently blend in, to suppress my hard-earned worldliness because that shit, well, it has brought me nought but grief. I need to mask it under concrete, bury it with everything else and wait for the raging, devastating storm inside me to pass, unnoticed.

  I need to hide the truth of who I once was, the me that they knew because frankly, she is dangerous. That girl, she’s a liability and she is so, so lost without them. They left me to deal with all this shit without them but I can't deal. I tried to put an end to the dealing but I couldn't even pull that off.

  Nico, my incredible, undeservedly-committed minder these last few months told me to ring him tonight and every night or he said he will, “Come and get you Dickhead. I will come and take you back here Davies so if you don't want no drama in front of your new mates, you fucking ring me and let me know you're OK. I won't sleep cara if you don't, so ring me, 'kay?”, as we clung together last night in a hug which conveyed emotions too complex for words.

&nbs
p; I look up at this earnest young man talking about 'communal kitchens' and 'women's night buses' and I try to get my head in the game, this new game that does not involve them. I'm just not sure I’ll ever learn the rules. I don't know if I want to learn them, not if they're not here.

  I look at my peers and wonder what I should mould myself into. Who should I be? Less is more I think, less is better. Quiet. Hidden. His Stussy hoodie is massive on me, gives me something physical to hide in. It's a start.

  I close my eyes because the floor is shifting, it's swooping with boring inevitability. Nothing solid beneath my feet still. My fingertips stretch out looking for Nico's, for the feeling of his hand soothing mine but he's not here. Nobody is here.

  This is Day One of simply being Lorna Davies and I need to get my head in the game. My old identities are left behind, packed into a cardboard box that lies sleeping in a wardrobe in Dan's old bedroom. Shortie has been expelled, Little Red is banished. Lorna Davies is left, whoever the fuck she is.

  I try to smile as the abyss calls softly to me.