“I already saw my locker, Milah Jo,” I told her. “Calm down, okay?”
She gave me that “I don’t give a hoot” look and hissed, “Do you know what I heard Emily telling folks today? She was talking about you and said your mom is a heroin addict and that her mom took y’all in as a charity case. How can she justify going around telling lies like that? It’s absolutely ridiculous. She’s such a bitch.”
My whole world went spinning out of control. I’d managed to keep hidden the fact that my mother was a heroin addict. I hadn’t even told Landon. How had Emily found out? I knew she was pissed about me and Landon dating, but I didn’t think she disliked me this much. What would Landon think of me when he found out? I grabbed Milah Jo’s arm and dragged her down the hall and out the side door.
“Milah Jo,” I began, “she isn’t lying about my mother. She is a heroin addict. As for the charity part, my mother works for Mrs. Whitman. She earns our keep.”
Milah Jo gave me this weird look and said, “Wow, you’re kidding me, right? I knew you had a grudge against your mom, but I wasn’t sure why. I just thought Emily was making up lies about you, hon. I would have never believed it. Your mom seems so normal. It doesn’t matter if it’s the truth or a lie; it sure doesn’t change the way I feel about you or the fact that what they did was wrong!”
I decided it was time to tell Milah Jo the truth. She’d been a good friend to me after all.
“I know Mother puts on a good show, but she’s not what she seems,” I explained. “She claims to be clean for the past six months, but I’m not so sure. She’s been hanging out a lot with these so-called friends she met at her NA meetings. They don’t even go to the NA meetings anymore. She says they have their own meetings because they understand each other so much more than the other people who went to the meetings. I asked her why she just didn’t go to a different NA meeting. She said since we live so far out in the country, there’s only one NA meeting within thirty miles. That’s crazy. There are meetings everywhere in the city.”
“Maybe she is having meetings with them,” Milah Jo suggested.
“Yeah, I know my mom. She’s lying through her teeth. She wouldn’t know the truth if it jumped up and bit her right in the ass. It’s just a matter of time before she does something that draws the attention of Children Services, and then that’s it. They come and take me and Lizzie away and I lose everything all over again. I lose Lizzie, I lose Landon, and I lose you. I swore I would not get close to anyone. You guys forced your way in, and now I’m going to lose you too.”
Milah Jo put her arm around me and demanded, “Come on, Jane, don’t be such a drama queen. You ain’t gonna lose me. Me and you, we’re tight. We’ll always be friends, no matter where you are. Haven’t you heard of texting? Besides, you ain’t goin’ anywhere—I’ll make sure of it. If I’m stuck here, you’re gonna be stuck here with me.”
I hugged Milah Jo.
“I’m so sorry, Milah Jo. I should have told you. You’re my best friend and I should have trusted you. Trust is very hard for me, you know?”
“You don’t even know that your mom is doin’ that stuff again. So it won’t even come to that, sugar,” she assured me.
“Oh, yes I do. All the signs are there.”
“And how do you know about all the signs? Girl, you’re only fifteen years old. I’ll tell ya what my mama always tells me: You may think ya know everything, but ya don’t.”
“Well, obviously I’ve been through it before. I also read every book on addiction I could get my hands on last time we were taken from home. I learned a lot between the two. I’ve discovered that addiction takes everything from you. If you’re addicted to a drug, it will make you lose everything you have. But what the books don’t tell you—this I learned from experience—is that you don’t have to be addicted to a drug for it to take everything from you. All you have to do is love someone who’s addicted to drugs. Because their drug use will take everything you have too. I’m living proof. It takes everything you love and everything that’s important to you. It also takes your pride, your dignity, and your self-esteem. This person who is supposed to love you more than anything can’t love you enough to stop doing the drugs. That makes you feel worthless. How can she love this drug more than me? I have no pride left. Look where I come from—why would I? Emily can tell the world anything she wants; I don’t care as long as you and Landon don’t judge me for it.”
I started crying.
“Girl, do ya really think me or Landon would judge you?” Milah Jo asked. “Especially for something that’s not your fault? You have no control over what your mom does, and when I get a hold of Miss Holier than Thou Emily Whitman, she’s gonna wish she’d never opened her big, fat mouth. She’s gonna get it Southern-style. Guaranteed! This is ridiculous. It has to stop. I wish I had something on her to make her squirm and put her panties in a bunch.”
I wasn’t sure how much abuse I was supposed to take before I lost my freaking mind. I could handle a lot, but geez, man, they would just not let up. Milah Jo was great. She always had my back, and the way she insisted she was going to get her chance to pounce on Emily cracked me up.
Of course, Landon had heard about everything. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that everything Emily had said was the truth, and he never asked if it was. He assured me at lunch that he would take care of things and it would not happen again. He was pretty sure his sister was behind the Jane bashing. Milah Jo was ready to just go take her out. She kept telling me to say the word and she would lay Emily out flat. I let her know I really appreciated her sticking up for me, but I didn’t want to be involved in anything that would get me in trouble. I sure didn’t want to do anything to draw the attention of Children Services. And as for Emily and Maria, I would not play into their drama. After all, it was just words. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Landon and I enjoyed the next month with no incidents. The Jane bashing and the graffiti on my locker did indeed stop, so there was no more drama at school. I refused to let Mother or Mrs. Whitman know we were dating, so there was no drama there either. Landon and I stole our moments together whenever we could. I couldn’t believe Emily had not let the cat out of the bag to her mother. Whatever it was Landon said to her to make her back off must have worked, because she left us alone completely. He must have had some really good dirt on her.
I don’t think I’d ever had so much fun in my life as I did in that month. By that time, school was out and we were starting to enjoy the summer. Landon took me to different places in the county to show me all the beauty of this home that he loved so much. He insisted I would love this place as much as he did by the time he was done and that I would never want to leave. He took me to a rock quarry where the water was beautiful, he made me hike to the top of a place called Buzzards Roost that was amazing, he took me to numerous covered bridges, he fed me at a wonderful restaurant nestled way out in the country called Murphin Ridge Inn, and he showed me the beauty of an Indian burial site called Serpent Mound.
I would have to say my favorite place in the small county was the pines. That was the first place we’d been alone together, and for that it was special. We spent a good bit of our time there. It was very private, which was good since our relationship was still a secret from our mothers. I knew we would not be able to keep up the charade much longer. Whenever we were out in public, Milah Jo was with us so it looked more like we were all hanging out together. She didn’t seem to mind hanging out. She always said it gave her something to do.
Missing
The summer was shaping up to be one of the best times of my life. Landon and I were having a great time. I was even starting to tolerate Mother a little better.
It was a day in early July when Mother and Mrs. Whitman found out Landon and I were dating. Mother had gone to West Union to get a few things for the house. Lizzie stayed with me. We’d already colored four pages
and completed a puzzle, and now she was on me about fishing again. I told her I would take her fishing in a couple of weeks and that I had a special surprise for her when we did go. I knew she would be so excited to see the freshwater jellyfish Landon had told me about. She was getting inpatient about waiting, though. Patience was not a virtue any members of my family had.
I told Lizzie I was going to give Milah Jo a call and then we would play Candy Land. Lizzie was watching TV when I slipped out the back door to make my call; I didn’t want Lizzie to overhear me talking about Landon. Milah Jo and I were discussing plans for the weekend. We were going camping with some of Landon’s friends and we were trying to get our story straight for what we were going to tell Mother.
When I got off the phone with Milah Jo, I went back inside to start a mean game of Candy Land. But Lizzie wasn’t watching TV. I figured she was in the bathroom so I sat down on the couch to wait for her. After a few minutes of quiet, I decided to go check on her. Anybody who knows little kids knows that when they’re being quiet, they’re usually up to no good. Lizzie wasn’t in the bathroom, our room, or Mother’s room. It didn’t take long for me to search our little house. It also didn’t take long for me to start freaking out. It wasn’t like Lizzie to just take off. She wasn’t in the house, so that meant she had to be outside. I yelled for her a few times, but she didn’t answer.
I was so upset that I was freezing and shaking and had tremors going completely through my body. I should have been in the house, because then I would have known where Lizzie was. Where could she have gone? I had stepped out the back door for only about ten minutes to talk to Milah Jo on the phone. How freaking selfish I was! I should have just focused on Lizzie and nothing else—not Landon, not Milah Jo, no one.
I’d been so worried Mother wouldn’t take good care of Lizzie, and now I’d failed her also. I called Mother, but she didn’t answer so I ended up leaving her a hysterical message that Lizzie was missing. I stepped out into the driveway and started frantically calling for Lizzie.
Landon appeared from behind his house.
“Jane, what’s wrong? Why are you yelling for Lizzie?”
“Landon, I was only outside for a few minutes and I came back in and she was gone. Where would she go?” I cried.
“Jane, calm down. We’ll find her. Where did you see her last?”
“She was in the living room watching TV. I stepped out the back door to call Milah Jo. When I came back in, Lizzie was gone.”
Landon pulled me into a hug, saying, “She’s got to be around here somewhere. We’ll find her, I promise.”
I pulled away.
“How can you be so sure?”
He grabbed my hand and assured me, “I just know. Come on, she can’t be far. Did she give you any idea of where she would have gone?”
“I don’t know. She was mad at me because I wouldn’t take her fishing.”
Then it hit me.
“Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh my God! You don’t think she would go to the pond by herself, do you? Hurry! Maybe she hasn’t made it that far yet!” I screamed.
I was so scared. Lizzie had no idea how to swim; neither one of us did. Landon took off in a sprint toward the pond while I struggled to keep up. He was putting those long legs to good use. There was no way I could stay with him, but I saw Lizzie’s little blonde head as soon as I got to the top of the hill. Landon was already headed down the hill toward the pond. Lizzie was almost to the pond, and I yelled for her to stop. She turned, saw Landon gaining on her, and took off running. I yelled for her again, but she didn’t turn around this time. She just kept running.
“Hurry, Landon, catch up with her!”
He was getting close to Lizzie, but she made it to the dock and kept running.
“No, Lizzie, no!” I screamed.
Her little foot tripped on one of the boards on the dock, and Lizzie hit her head on the railing. She crumpled to the dock before flopping into the water face-first. My mind went into a frenzy. What was I going to do? I couldn’t swim. Just as I’d decided I was going in after her anyway, I heard a splash as Landon hit the water. I made it to the dock just as Landon was reaching Lizzie, who was floating face-down in the water.
It was one of the scariest things I’d ever seen in my life. I was sure that image would become permanently ingrained in my mind. Landon snatched up Lizzie, and she started coughing. He swam her to the edge of the pond, and I reached down and lifted her out of the water. I stepped a couple of feet away from the pond and fell to the ground with her. My legs were jelly. I could barely hold my own weight, so when I added Lizzie’s, my legs went out from underneath me.
Lizzie was crying and saying she was sorry, that she just wanted to go jellyfishing. I yelled at her and told her to never do that to me again. Then I held her so tight I didn’t think I could ever let go. I was so relieved she was conscious and breathing.
Landon was completely out of breath and had just sat down next to us when I heard the sirens. In the city you heard sirens all the time, but that was the first time I’d ever heard them out in the boonies.
“Those sirens are getting really close. Did you call 911?” Landon asked me.
“No, I didn’t,” I replied. “But I did leave Mother an awful voicemail that Lizzie was missing. She must be stroking out by now. I bet she called them. We’d better head back to the house before they send out a whole search party.”
I started to get up and realized my legs were still partially out of commission and there was no way I was going to be able to carry Lizzie back to the house. Landon saw me about fall back down and took my sister from my arms. The fire truck and ambulance were pulling up by the house when we came over the hill. We approached the EMTs as they were getting out. We explained to them what had happened and they advised that they should have a look at Lizzie.
Lizzie was in the back of the ambulance when Mother pulled in. She came flying out of the car toward us. I pointed over to the ambulance.
“She’s fine. They just wanted to take a look at her to make sure. Did you call 911?” I asked.
Mother was furious.
“Yes, I called 911! You scared the hell out of me, Jane! I tried to call you back several times. Why didn’t you answer? What the hell happened?”
She didn’t even give me time to answer. She made her way to the ambulance to get Lizzie. I didn’t care that she was mad at me. I deserved it. I should have been watching Lizzie better. All that mattered now was that Lizzie was okay. Landon stayed right by me, holding my hand. I tried to convince him to go get some dry clothes on, but he wasn’t leaving me alone. He knew I was a wreck. He kept hold of me the whole time we were standing there. He didn’t care that my mother saw us, and he didn’t care that his mother had arrived and had seen us together also. We were getting some strange looks. Now we would have to explain our relationship, as well as what had just happened.
Mother informed me she was going to ride with Lizzie to the hospital to get X-rays done, since Lizzie might have swallowed some of the pond water. It was probably a good idea since she’d hit her head also. Mother wouldn’t let me go with them. She let me know that it would be best if I stayed home. She had no right to treat me that badly. I felt horrible about what had happened and knew that I’d screwed up, but how many times had she left me and Lizzie in danger while she was off getting high somewhere? What made her so righteous all of a sudden?
She was right, though: This was my fault.
Mrs. Whitman and Mother talked for a few minutes before Mrs. Whitman came over to Landon and me to find out what happened. Apparently, she was going to get the scoop before she went to the hospital to pick up Mother and Lizzie. Landon explained the story, but his mom didn’t appear to be paying much attention to what he was saying. She seemed to be more interested in staring at Landon’s and my hands interlocked together. She gave me a sarcastic thrashing for not paying more att
ention to Lizzie and informed Landon that it would be best if he went into the house now. Landon put his arm around my waist and told her he thought he would keep me company until they got back with Lizzie. She gave us one heck of a dirty look and left.
Landon and I went into Landon’s house so he could get some dry clothes. I told him I would wait in the kitchen for him. It didn’t take him long to change. I was standing in front of the window looking out when I felt him wrap his arms around me. He spun me around so I was facing him. He saw the tears running down my cheek and wiped them away.
“Jane, why are you crying? Lizzie is going to be fine. This isn’t your fault. It could have happened on anybody’s watch. Lizzie saw her opportunity and took it. You said yourself she was determined to go jellyfishing. Everything is okay, I promise.”
He hugged me. Even after being in that nasty pond, he smelled so good. How could I be thinking what I was thinking? How could I do it? But how could I not? I pulled away.
“Landon, you can’t seriously make this Lizzie’s fault,” I said. “She’s four years old. This is my fault. I was too self-involved to pay attention to her. I shouldn’t have left her alone for one second. This is getting out of hand. Lizzie has always been my first priority, not myself and certainly not some guy. As much as I love spending time with you, Landon, I cannot do it anymore. I need to focus on Lizzie. I’m all she has. If she can’t count on me to protect her, then she can’t count on anyone. I can’t do this anymore, Landon.”
Landon pulled me close to him again.
“Jane, this is not your fault,” he said. “What happened today could have happened if you’d gone into the bathroom for a few minutes. Don’t start making excuses about why we can’t be together again. You are stuck with me, my dear. I love you.”
I pulled away from him and walked to the end of the counter. He’d just said he loved me. It had been so long since someone had told me that they loved me. All I wanted to do was tell him I loved him too, but I couldn’t. I had to fight this for Lizzie. She needed me more than I needed Landon.
Opiate Jane Page 8