Landon frowned at me.
“Really, Jane, is that what’s bothering you? Do you think that’s why I invited you camping?” he asked. “I do believe we’ve spent other nights together without having sex. Why would you think that now? I’m hurt, Jane. I love and respect you so much. I would never ask you to do anything you’re not ready for. Hell, you just turned sixteen this week. I wouldn’t expect you to be ready for that yet. I’m not like that, Jane. Holding you in my arms all night is all I want. You mean more to me than just sex.”
I felt relief and guilt wash over me at the same time. I was relieved he wasn’t expecting more from me than I was ready to give, but I felt guilty I’d assumed that was what he had wanted. I think he was upset with me.
Maybe someday I would feel secure enough in our relationship to realize Landon really did love and respect me. I sighed.
“I’m sorry, Landon,” I said. “I was just so worried that you would expect more tonight since we’ve gotten so close lately. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Landon reached over and grabbed my hand.
“I’m not upset with you,” he assured me. “I understand where you’re coming from. Someday you’ll realize I love you for you and not for what I can get from you. Now, are you ready to have some fun tonight? You should relax. I know you’ll enjoy these bands. They’re totally your kind of music.”
He was completely right. The bands were awesome. I finally got to see that local band, Rootbound, that everybody talked about. They were great. I couldn’t believe how fantastic they were. Landon bought me one of their T-shirts from the merch tent. I didn’t like him buying me things, but I really did want that shirt. Landon stayed right by my side almost all night. I think he might have wandered off once to talk to a few older-looking guys. He was so attentive. I’d never had anybody pay that much attention to me in my whole life.
The only downside to the night was that there were a few girls from school who decided to blurt out “Freak!” whenever they walked by me. I tried not to let them get to me anymore. They could say what they wanted. I wasn’t going to let them ruin my night. Landon, on the other hand, decided to let them have it. I had never seen that side of him. I hated that he was drawing more attention to me, but at the same time it felt really good to hear someone take up for me like that.
Thank goodness we’d gotten there early in the day. Landon had gone ahead and put the tent up. He’d found a great spot that was a little farther from everyone else. He’d raised his eyebrows up and down and smiled real big at me when we were putting the tent up. “Privacy,” he’d said.
I gave him an eyebrow up and a not-so-nice smile. He just laughed at me and said, “For when you have to tinkle. Get your mind out of the gutter, City Girl.”
We both burst out laughing. Landon was always so fun and easygoing, but that night he was even more enjoyable than usual. It was like he was just cutting loose. I had the best time with him.
I awoke the next morning listening to the birds singing and felt happier than I could have ever imagined. Spending the entire night with Landon’s arms around me had been pure bliss. I’d slept better that night than I had in years. I’d been sure Landon was going to be upset with me for not having sex with him, but he wasn’t. He was completely understanding about it. He said we would know when the time was right for those kinds of things to take place. Instead, we had kissed and held each other half the night and then fallen asleep in each other’s arms. It didn’t matter that we were sleeping on the ground in a cold, damp tent. I’d been perfectly comfortable the entire night, but now I had to pee, or “tinkle,” as Landon had put it. I hated to climb out of his arms, but nature was calling.
When I slipped out of the blanket, I realized it was pretty chilly for a July morning. I looked around and saw Landon’s jacket in the corner of the tent. I grabbed it and put it on. It was a little oversized for me, but it would work. I unzipped the tent and stepped out of it. I looked around to see where would be a good place to go. We had put our tent a good distance from everyone else’s tents, so I was sure nobody would see me. I saw two bushy-looking plants over to the left of the tent about twenty feet away, so I stuck my hands in my pockets and started walking.
As I was walking, I felt something in Landon’s jacket pocket and pulled it out to see what it was. It was a small green pill with an “80” on one side and “OC” on the other side. I instantly knew what I had in my hand. All the reading and research I had done on the subject told me exactly what it was. It was an 80mg OxyContin.
My knees buckled, and I fell to the ground. This couldn’t be. There had to be some kind of mistake. This couldn’t be Landon’s jacket. But I knew it was his jacket. Maybe someone else had worn it at the bonfire. There was no way this pill could be his.
My mind was reeling with ideas about how drugs could have gotten into Landon’s jacket and reasons why Landon would have pills. This didn’t make sense. I knew the symptoms of drug use, and Landon didn’t show any of them. Maybe someone had offered it to him last night and he’d taken it so he wouldn’t seem rude. That had to be it. I headed straight back to the tent to ask him about it.
When I unzipped the front of the tent and stepped in, Landon was lying flat on his back with his hands behind his head. His beautiful smile lit up the whole tent, and that smile was for me. Wow—there was no way he had anything to do with the OC I found in his jacket. He was just too perfect. Maybe I shouldn’t even bring it up. I didn’t want him to think I was accusing him of anything. The last thing I wanted was for that stupid pill to come between us. I had fallen completely in love with Landon Whitman, and I didn’t want him to think I didn’t trust him. I shouldn’t be suspicious of him.
He was lying there with a puzzled look on his face. I was worried he knew what I’d found in his jacket pocket. I looked down and asked, “What’s wrong?”
He answered, “How could anything be wrong after I spent the entire night with you in my arms? I’m amazed that you’re even more beautiful in the morning after an entire night in this musty old tent.”
“Are you kidding me?” I responded. “I was perfectly comfy last night. I slept better last night than I had in a long time. I could have slept on sharp rocks and felt like I was in heaven as long as I was in your arms.”
He laughed. He had such a wonderful laugh.
“You give me too much credit,” Landon said. “I don’t think I could make sharp rocks comfy.”
I smiled. I decided I would keep what I’d found to myself. I wouldn’t even mention it. I took his jacket off and put it back in the corner where I’d found it. I crawled into the blanket and wedged myself back into Landon’s arms. He hugged me tightly to his body and I felt a twinge go through my entire being. I felt it in my body and my soul. When he touched me, it felt like magic. Every doubt I’d had was gone. The thought that that pill was his had been wiped away.
“So, Mr. Whitman, what’s the plan for today?”
His left eyebrow went down and he made a strange face as he replied, “Mr. Whitman is my father. You really shouldn’t call me that; it sounds kind of weird.”
We ended up spending that entire day together and just about every other day that followed for the rest of the summer. I could feel myself becoming happier and happier with each passing day. I was starting to forget what life had been like before I’d met Landon. I’d totally let him in. My walls were completely down. I was absolutely sure Landon was the love of my life, the soulmate I’d been waiting for without realizing I’d been waiting for him. It was so scary to think about not having him in my life. Mother had better not ruin this for me. Leaving then would have devastated me for sure.
The truth hurts
Milah Jo got her permit in August and was very nervous about taking her driver’s test when she was finished with driver’s education. She was so nervous, she’d taken up smoking. I hadn’t even messed with getting my permit
since I knew we didn’t have the money for driver’s ed. Landon always took me wherever I needed to go anyway, so it wasn’t really a priority. For Milah Jo, a driver’s license meant freedom, and she couldn’t wait for that. She was still trying to figure out what she was going to be driving to find that freedom, though.
School started right back up where it had left off—with me being the freak. I’d hoped that since I wasn’t the new kid anymore, maybe I’d be treated like a normal person. That didn’t happen. I was pretty sure Emily was ticked that Landon and I were still together and she was going to make sure everybody knew just how infuriated she was. She and Mrs. Whitman had both expressed their disapproval of mine and Landon’s relationship. I believed that when it came right down to it, neither one of them could handle the thought of Landon dating someone who’d come from nothing. I wasn’t good enough for him. Sometimes I wondered if they were right.
Mother hadn’t said a whole lot about me dating Landon. I could tell she was worried it would affect her job, though. I’d told her not to worry, that I wouldn’t do anything to screw up her masquerade of a cute little perfect home. She might have had everybody else fooled, but I knew she was a pretender. She would screw up sooner or later, and then Lizzie and I would be the ones to pay the price.
School had been getting worse than usual. Landon had been slacking in his school work, and I didn’t know what he was thinking. This was his senior year and he was blowing it. He just didn’t seem interested in doing anything for school. It was strange, because Landon had been a really good student. Emily wouldn’t let up. She’d started ragging on me with full force at the beginning of the year and was still going strong. One day, Milah Jo had come charging down the hall where my locker was located with that “I’m going to take somebody out” look all over her face again. She approached me completely out of breath.
“Milah Jo, you really need to quit smoking, then maybe the short distance down the hall wouldn’t leave you so breathless,” I told her.
She gave me an angry look and hissed, “That Emily Whitman is at it again. She’s got a whole crowd together by the gym telling them all kinds of stuff about you. She told them you got kicked out of your old school because you’d slept with so many guys. I’m sure she made it up, but those stupid people are eating it up like she’s preaching to a congregation. She’s gotta be stopped.”
I just shrugged it off.
“Milah Jo, I can’t do anything about what Emily says about me. Besides, if everybody is stupid enough to believe what she has to say, then that’s their problem. Not mine and not yours. You need to calm down or you’re going to end up getting yourself into trouble.”
Milah Jo threw her hands on her hips.
“Jane, you really need to stop letting people treat you so ugly!”
She stomped off. She was definitely upset with me.
When we sat down at lunch that day, Landon never even mentioned the rumors Emily had been spreading. I knew he had to have heard what was being said. I didn’t know if he was afraid of upsetting me or if he didn’t say anything because he’d been so distracted lately. I really couldn’t figure out what was up with him, but I was going to make sure to ask him.
I was starting to get worried. I could have sworn he’d lost a few pounds in the last few weeks. He’d said he had a stomach bug and hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. Last weekend, when we’d gone to the movies, we’d stopped at the pines afterward. We were just talking, and the next thing I knew he was asleep while I was talking to him. I could have sworn he’d nodded off during the movie also. He just said he was really tired from working on Kyle’s dad’s farm.
I never got to ask Landon what was up with him. He seemed to be getting pretty good at avoiding me after school. He was always working with Kyle, which made no sense because the boy sure didn’t have a need for money. He already had some kind of trust fund or something. Things were just getting more and more outlandish as the days went by.
• • • • •
I should have seen it coming. I guess love really does make you blind. How I’d just let all the signs slip right past me was beyond me. So, I just lay there in my bed in the fetal position. I felt like I couldn’t move. I felt numb except for the constant shaking that would not go away. What was I supposed to do now? I didn’t want to deal with this. I didn’t understand how it had been going on all this time and I hadn’t even seen it. Sure, I’d seen some of the signs, but I just couldn’t believe he would ever do something like that. Not my Landon. I ignored the signs because I didn’t want to make accusations against someone I loved so much. Not my Landon. He loved me too much. At least, he said he loved me. How could he love me and do what he’d been doing?
I could feel that he was standing in the doorway of my bedroom. He must have come in the back door after Mother and Lizzie had left. I knew he was there. I could feel his presence. I could always feel his presence. After our conversation that morning, I really didn’t understand why he would even want to be there. He point blank had told me he didn’t want to quit. Evidently he didn’t love me enough to quit. That was the story of my life: The people I loved all loved drugs more than they loved me. He didn’t want to quit, he didn’t want to lose me, and he wanted me to accept it. He wanted me to be okay with it. He said he didn’t do it that much and that he could keep it under control.
I’d been in multiple foster homes because someone couldn’t keep it under control. No one can keep it under control. It’s an ugly monster that feeds off innocent lives. It sucks them in, takes them under, and then destroys them and the people who love them.
“Jane, please talk to me,” Landon said. “You need to listen to me. It’s no big deal really. I only do it every now and then. I’ve done it the whole time you’ve known me. It doesn’t change anything. It’s not like I’m blowing a huge hole in my nose. I don’t understand why you’re so upset. It’s just a few pills. I don’t do heroin. I’m not shooting anything, and I never would. I hate needles.”
I did not turn around; I just lay there. I didn’t want to hear anymore. But deep down, I knew I didn’t want him to leave either. I needed him. He was one of the biggest reasons I smiled since I’d moved here. He was the reason I didn’t complain about living in the middle of nowhere anymore. He was the reason I got up for school ready to go. He was the reason I felt alive and not like that zombie that was walking around going through the motions of life before I’d come here.
I heard him coming closer. He sat down at the end of my bed. He knew Mother and Lizzie wouldn’t be back for a few hours. They’d gone to the park about an hour ago and they usually stayed for a while. He must not have been planning to leave any time soon.
My shaking was slowing down, but the numbness was still there. Why did my limbs feel so heavy? I should have known this had been too good to be true. Something this good couldn’t last. Why had I even thought it would? This was me, after all—nothing in my life was ever permanent. Everything was always temporary and damaged. This relationship was not any different. But damn, couldn’t he have cheated on me? I probably could have handled that better than this. This went straight to my heart. This was the one thing in my life that seemed to constantly mess it up. It would have made sense if I’d been the one doing it, but I wasn’t. I’d never touched that stuff, yet it always seemed to creep into my life and wreak havoc.
I lay there replaying the events of the morning in my head. I’d gotten ready for school early, and I knew no one but Landon was home at his house. Emily was skipping school once again to go shopping at the outlet mall an hour away. So, I snuck into the house. I went in through the back door and quietly went up the stairs to Landon’s room. I wanted to surprise him and wake him up. He was always telling me to be more spontaneous and live on the edge a little. I thought sneaking into Mrs. Whitman’s house and into Landon’s bedroom constituted living on the edge, considering Mrs. Whitman hated me. I was so excited. W
e would have a good hour before we’d have to leave for school. I was ready to show Landon how spontaneous I could be.
I opened the door to his bedroom to find he wasn’t in his bed. I looked around the room and headed for his bathroom door. At first, I thought I’d better not rush in. He could have been going to the restroom, and that would have been totally embarrassing. So I waited, and waited, and waited. After about ten minutes, I started to get worried so I knocked on the door. There was no answer, so I decided to open the bathroom door and suffer the consequences.
When I first opened the door, I was terrified. There was Landon sitting on the toilet all slumped over, drool hanging from his mouth. He was completely out of it. I shook him to try to wake him up, but I couldn’t. I shook him again. Nothing. I knelt down and lifted his face even with mine. When I looked at him, I knew what was wrong. There was this gunky white stuff coming out of his nose. I shoved his face out of my hands and scooted back against the wall. I must have shoved him with a little more force than I’d intended, because he fell over and hit his head on the sink. That woke him up. He raised his head and looked around the room in a daze. By this time, I’d slid down the wall and was on the floor beside the tub.
He looked at me and asked groggily, “Jane, wh--, what are you doing here?”
“Trying to surprise you!” I snapped.
“Why are you in my bathroom?” he sputtered.
“You were nodded out in here. This is where I found you,” I answered.
“I must have fallen asleep. I was so tired from working with Kyle yesterday.”
“Don’t even try to tell me you were so tired that you fell asleep on the toilet,” I growled. “Do you think I’m that stupid? I see it. The evidence is right there on your face. Why don’t you take a look into that mirror and see the leftovers coming out of your nose? Careful now, you might be able to save that and snort it later. It looks pretty potent.”
Opiate Jane Page 10