Milah Jo looked over Landon’s way and then looked at me.
“Girl, that boy looked like his dog had done died,” she said. “I know he hurt you, but maybe he wants to make it up to you.”
I looked right back at her.
“Milah Jo, I don’t think he can make it up to me. He’s broken my heart. I’ve lived the last four years of my life miserable because of someone else’s drug use. I can’t do it all over again.”
Was she really suggesting I give Landon another chance after everything that had happened?
“Are you saying I should let him try to make it up to me?” I asked. “Why would I set myself up to be hurt like that again? I know how this ends, Milah Jo, and it isn’t good!”
A serious look I’d never seen before came across Milah Jo’s face. Milah Jo was not often serious about anything.
“Jane, I know your mama hurt ya real bad when she messed up a second time, but Landon is not her. I believe everyone deserves a second chance and I don’t understand why you won’t let him try. Look at that boy; he is absolutely gorgeous and crazy about you. Maybe the pills aren’t a problem; maybe he’s just taking them every now and then.”
Everything she was telling me I’d already gone over and over in my mind. I’d done nothing but think of Landon over the past few weeks. I’d thought about how hurt I’d been to find out he was doing drugs. I’d thought about the first time he’d touched me in the basement and how it had sent a shock right through me. I’d thought about when we’d spent the night in that nasty tent and how he’d held me all night. I’d also thought a lot about how I couldn’t see living the rest of my life without him. I got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it. I guess all that thinking had left me with quite the decision. It was a decision I didn’t know how to make.
I couldn’t decide to live without him and I couldn’t decide to live with the dope either. But I had to choose one. I had given Landon an ultimatum, yet there I sat with one of my own. How was that fair? I hadn’t done anything wrong—why should I make the sacrifices? He’d chosen the pills, and the only way I could choose him was to choose the pills too. That went against everything I believed in, but I was actually considering going through with it. I wanted Landon in my life. I wanted him to be a part of me. I wanted to be a part of him. When you love someone, aren’t you supposed to take the bad with the good? Aren’t you supposed to love them unconditionally and accept them for who they are? Support them when they need help and not desert them?
I missed him. I did want to support Landon. I wanted to be there for him. I didn’t want anything to happen to him. Didn’t he need me there to watch over him and make sure he was okay?
Milah Jo smacked me on the arm.
“Earth to Jane. The lunch bell rang. We gotta get to class, hon.”
I snapped out of my thoughts.
“Oh, okay. Sorry. I was just thinking.”
“Ya reckon? I could see the smoke comin’ outta your ears,” Milah Jo said, chuckling.
“Speaking of smoke, Milah Jo, you stink. Were you smoking in the girls’ restroom again?” I teased her.
We went our separate ways to class. I couldn’t concentrate on anything for the rest of the day. I just kept thinking about Landon and rationalizing why I should stay with him. I didn’t know how it would work. I had so much pent-up frustration with Mother and her drug use. I despised drugs like most people despised child molesters. That was the truth—I hated that shit. How could I love Landon if I despised what he did? Ugh! More questions I didn’t know the answers to. I kept asking myself question after question, but I couldn’t seem to come up with an answer. I thought I was going to give myself a migraine.
When the last bell rang for the day, I headed toward the parking lot to catch up with Milah Jo. I saw Landon standing by his car like he was waiting on someone. Oh, man. I could not deal with another run-in with him. When I got to Milah Jo’s car, it was locked. She’d insisted on locking it even after I’d assured her no one would dare try to steal it. She’d flipped me off and locked it anyway. I couldn’t get in, so I had to stand there by the car and wait for her. I really didn’t want to give Landon any more time than he already had to approach me. Yet I found myself standing there looking over at him every few seconds. I really did miss him. It was so hard to see him every day and not talk to him, touch him, or kiss him. Before all this had happened, the only place I ever wanted to be was in his arms. That was still where I wanted to be.
I saw Milah Jo come out the gym doors. Geez, finally! I wondered what had taken her so long. I looked back over at Landon to make sure he wasn’t coming my way. Instead, he was standing by his car, and Ivy Lang was walking right toward him. What the hell was she doing here? I’d thought there were rules against non-students being on school grounds. Better yet, why was she here to see Landon? I’d thought she was Kyle’s friend. As if I didn’t have enough to deal with, now I had to deal with this. I knew I was gawking, but I couldn’t bring myself to look away. Ivy went up to Landon, gave him a hug, and got into the front seat of his car.
Milah Jo came up behind me and scared the crap out of me. She put her arm around me.
“Oh, no, she didn’t! Who the hell is that?” she scoffed.
I wiggled myself out of her arm. I couldn’t handle anybody touching me right now.
“That’s Ivy Lang,” I told her. “Did I forget to mention her when I told you about everything?”
Milah Jo gave me a very sarcastic look.
“Uh, yeah, I think I would have remembered that part,” she snarked. “What’s up with a name like Ivy Lang? It sounds like a stripper or porn star name.”
“Did you see her?” I mumbled.
Milah Jo unlocked my door and went around the car to unlock hers.
“Yes, I saw her,” she said. “I didn’t know which part was going to fall out of her clothes first, her ass or her boobs.”
I watched Landon get into the driver’s seat of his car. I was really hoping Kyle would join them so I could understand why Ivy would be getting into Landon’s car. But he didn’t. It was just Landon and Ivy. As I was getting into Milah Jo’s car, I was thinking how things just couldn’t possibly get any worse, when Emily came walking past the car.
“Well, it looks like it didn’t take him long to get over you,” she said. “He gets bored pretty quick, you know. I can’t believe you two lasted as long as you did. What was he thinking fraternizing with the bastard offspring of the hired help?”
Milah Jo interrupted: “Don’t pay any attention to her, Jane. She’s just a miserable little girl who gets off on downgrading people.”
Emily laughed.
“Nice car, Milah Jo. The roach mobile suits you well. It totally makes sense that only trash would ride in it.”
Emily started walking toward her new SUV. She sure did have a way of bringing people down. I really wished I wouldn’t let her get to me, and I really wished Milah Jo wouldn’t let her get to her either. But before I could do anything to stop it, Milah Jo had Emily by the hair on the back of her head. I tried to break them up, but Milah Jo wouldn’t let go. She got in quite a few good punches before Mr. McDonald broke it up. We all three ended up in Principal Ferguson’s office. I guess it looked as though I was in on it, too, when Mr. McDonald saw us. Milah Jo tried to explain to Principal Ferguson that I was trying to pull her off Emily, but he wouldn’t hear it. Emily had told him we both had ganged up on her, and that was what he believed.
That was just what I needed. A ten-day suspension, a court date, and Mother and Mrs. Whitman called to come to the school at the same time. Mrs. Whitman was not going to be happy with me. She didn’t like me anyway, and now she would think I’d thumped on her precious Emily. Mother arrived with Lizzie in tow right after Mrs. Whitman had come in. We were all sitting in the hall. Principal Ferguson had given us our what-for and sent us to the lobb
y to wait on our parents. Mother sat down next to me.
“What the hell happened, Jane?” she asked.
I tried to explain to her how things had really gone down, but Emily overheard us and butted in.
“Clara, your daughter is a menace. You should put her back in foster care. Look what she did to my face,” Emily whined.
She was interrupted by Principal Ferguson. He told us all to come into his office. He started to tell our mothers what had happened when there was a knock on the door. It was Ms. Flowers, the secretary, letting the principal know Milah Jo’s grandmother had arrived. The secretary escorted her in and Principal Ferguson started his version of the incident all over again. Milah Jo kept butting in to tell them I’d had nothing to do with it. Principal Ferguson was explaining the negative consequences of fighting on school property when Ms. Flowers knocked on the door again. She announced that a witness had come forth. When I turned around to see who it was, I heard Emily shout, “Landon!”
Landon explained to our parents and Principal Ferguson what he had seen from his car. Emily might have thought she had pull in this school, but Landon had her beat. That boy was the golden child of Whitman High School. Of course, they believed everything he told them, even though Emily tried to talk her way out of her lie by saying the punches were coming so fast she thought for sure I had made some of them.
So, Landon had saved the day. Big whoop-de-do! Should we give him a medal for telling the truth? No, I didn’t think so. All and all, though, I was really glad I wasn’t in trouble. Landon, Mother, and I were all excused to go home. I didn’t get an apology or anything from Principal Ferguson. When we got outside, Landon asked Mother if she minded if he speak to me for a few minutes. Well, crap! After everything, he was going to get his five minutes anyway.
“Jane, will you ride home with me so we can talk?” he asked.
Those big brown eyes were trying their best to sink into my soul. How could I say no to him, yet how could I go with him?
I looked down at the ground.
“I can’t, Landon,” I said. “I’m sure Mother won’t let me. I would say she’s pretty ticked that she had to come down here.”
Of course, Mother had to butt in.
“Jane, I have a few errands to run, so you go ahead and ride home with Landon. I know you don’t like going to the grocery store anyway.”
Mother and Lizzie walked off without waiting for my reply. I guess that meant I was riding home with Landon whether I agreed to it or not.
“Great! Let’s go,” I snapped at him.
Landon didn’t say anything. He just started walking toward his car and I followed, stomping my little feet all the way. As soon as I sat down in the passenger seat, I had to ask.
“So, where did Ivy go? I saw her over here with you earlier.”
Landon frowned at me.
“She left with Kyle.”
I turned to look out the window.
“Oh.”
Landon reached over and grabbed my hand, but I pulled it away from him.
“Jane, would you please let me talk to you without giving me all the attitude?” Landon asked. “I’m so sorry for everything I said and did to you. I didn’t mean to scare you that day, and I sure didn’t mean to say the things to you that I did. I miss you so much and I know you miss me too. I can feel it. I know every time you glance my way. Our souls are bound together, Jane. Please don’t let this come between us. Nothing should be able to come between our love.”
I finally turned toward him. Tears were streaming down my face. I knew he was right. Our souls had been bound together. Being without him had been horrible, and I really didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to make it without him.
“How, Landon? How is it possible for us to be together while you continue to get high? I don’t know how I can deal with that,” I told him.
I think he knew he was getting through to me, because he gave me a small piece of that amazing smile.
“I don’t do it that often, Jane,” he assured me. “When I do, it’s not that much, and I promise I’ll never do it in front of you or around you. I need you.”
This was crazy. How could I even be considering this? I knew this couldn’t end well, yet I couldn’t stand the thought of not being with him. The last few weeks had been hell without him. I loved him so much. Maybe I could eventually convince him to quit. Wouldn’t it be better if I were with him to make sure he was okay?
“Landon, can you promise me that you won’t do anything dangerous and that you’ll do your best to quit?” I asked.
Landon reached over and slid his hand on the back of my neck.
“Jane, I can’t guarantee that I’m going to quit, but I really don’t do it that often, so you have nothing to worry about,” he told me. “I won’t hide anything from you anymore. I promise.”
I sighed.
“Landon, you say you won’t hide anything anymore. But you will. You won’t want me to worry, or you won’t want me to be disappointed, and you’ll hide things from me. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
Landon pulled my face close to his.
“Jane, I promise I will not do anything to worry or upset you. You mean too much to me. I don’t want to risk losing you again.”
The tears were now pouring down my face.
“What do you mean losing me again?” I asked. “What makes you think you have me back?”
Landon now had my face in his hands. He rested his forehead against mine.
“Because you’re letting me touch you again,” he answered. “It’s killed me that I haven’t been able to touch you the past few weeks.”
He kissed me. I couldn’t fight it, so I kissed him back. I’d missed the touch of his warm lips so much that I didn’t have the strength to fight against something I wanted anyway.
I didn’t know how this was going to work, but I was willing to give it a try.
What was I thinking?
The next few weeks were strange, but at the same time, it was nice to be back in Landon’s arms again. I’d missed him so much that I was willing to go against everything I believed in to be with him. Our relationship still wasn’t the same as it had been, though. I worried about him all the time. I hovered a good bit. I was questioning in my mind everything that he did. I often wondered who he was with and what he was doing. He got tons of text messages, and it drove me crazy that I had no idea what he was talking about in them. It was like I’d become obsessed with his every move. I’d lost myself somehow and consumed myself with him. I was codependent. I was sure of it. His addiction had become my problem too.
I definitely hadn’t thought everything through when I’d agreed to keep seeing Landon even though he would not agree to give up the freaking pills. What the hell had I been thinking? I should have known this was going to be what it would be like. I worried about him all the time. I was sure he’d lost another five pounds. He’d promised me everything would be out in the open, but I constantly had this aching feeling that something was going on that I didn’t know about. He thought I was paranoid, of course.
I might have been bordering on stalking him, and I was starting to annoy him. Landon got tired of me griping at him about his weight all the time. I was pretty sure he’d turned into a vampire because the boy never slept except for when we were sitting on the couch having a conversation or watching a movie. He nodded out pretty quickly then, and it annoyed the shit out of me. It reminded me of Mother’s dope days.
I got so angry at Landon. I’d read that anger is a secondary emotion, so I figured I was angry because I was hurt. I was hurt that he wouldn’t stop using. He claimed he didn’t use that much, but I didn’t believe that. Things wouldn’t have been getting so bad if he were getting high only every now and then. He spent way too much time with Kyle for me to believe that.
I was so tired
of my mood revolving around Landon’s. I walked on eggshells around him most of the time. My toes were getting tired, but I couldn’t seem to convince them to walk away. I loved Landon too much to leave him like this. There had to be a way for me to help him.
It had gotten to the point that I could tell when he was not using. When he was not sleeping or sick, he was a complete dick. He’d gotten ticked off at me on the way home from school one day and decided to drive like a maniac. He terrified me. I knew he was in a bad mood because he wasn’t high. How was it fair that I ended up in these situations? I must have been some kind of opiate-addict magnet. Just call me “Opiate Jane.” I would have thought with a name like mine I would have attracted potheads. But no, I loved people who seemed determined to kill themselves slowly with opiates. It was so hard to watch someone I loved die a little every day and know there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it.
I had seen Landon pull out of the garage at about two in the morning several times over the past few weeks. Things were supposed to be getting better, not worse. I didn’t get why his parents didn’t say anything to him about running around all hours of the night. When I asked him where he was going, he would just tell me he had to run to town. When I asked why, he would throw me that beautiful smile and change the conversation. I was pretty sure he had this theory that he wasn’t lying if he told me only part of the truth. I didn’t think he realized that the silent lies were usually the worst ones.
I decided that one of these nights I was going to hide out in his car just to see where he went. So help me if he was meeting up with Ivy! I would go ballistic on them both. That was one promise he’d made to me: that he would have nothing more to do with her. He didn’t understand why I was making a big deal out of it, because to him she was just a connection. But who the hell would want their boyfriend meeting up with a chick who looked like she’d just climbed down off her pole? I had to admit, though, that was not the only reason I didn’t want him around her. I didn’t like that she knew about me and I didn’t know about her, and I really couldn’t handle the fact that they were part of this whole other drug world that I was not part of. It made me feel like the outcast. How sad was that? I was jealous of the relationship between the junkie and the drug dealer. When I was griping to Landon about using the pills, he had Ivy to talk to. And since she did them too, she could comfort him. I couldn’t stand it.
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