by Fin C Gray
‘That’s brilliant, Ali,’ he said, taking her hands. ‘It’s more than I had dared to hope for after all these months, but I’m just so grateful that you can see a future for us. I’ve been going out of my mind… I’ve been stupid.’
Why had he been so self-destructive? He really was stupid! Would he really be better off on his own? It was time to face up to things. Repair the damage. Be a man!
‘I’ve had a lot of time to think about everything, and I know you can’t help the way you’re… what do I want to say? Made? Maybe I wish you’d told me though, told me before…’ Alison’s face was soft, beautiful. The anger and hurt had all disappeared.
‘It all crept up on me. I wanted to tell you. I seemed like it was an unspoken truth between us. It was so hard for me to talk about with you… some days I felt like it would spell the end for us. If that were ever to happen… I just couldn’t face that. Darling I…’
Alison rested her head on his chest, breathing heavily.
‘There’s no end for us. It was never an end. What could end mean anyway? The kids? The house? Our friends? Just change. That’s what it means. Change. We’re in this for the long haul,’ she said, her words muffled. ‘We can work this out. It’ll just mean… a few… adjustments…’
‘Don’t worry,’ he said, running his fingers through her hair. ‘I’ve put all that behind me. I’m going to be the man you want me to be, the one you fell in love with.’
‘I’m not asking that of you. You are the man I fell in love with and still love, in spite of… all I ask, Tom… no more secrets – just be honest with me. In all these years of being together, of being able to talk about anything, of trusting no one more, the hardest thing was finding that I had no idea about something that was such a huge part of you.’
‘I’m yours, Ali. That’s the truth. Always have been. Will be forever. Forever! I mean it. I couldn’t mean it any more.’
Alison smiled a weak smile. ‘I know, Tom. I know you. At least mostly I do. It’ll take more than an odd fling, male or female to rock us. Don’t you think so?’
He could tell she wasn’t wholly convinced, but at least it was a starting point. That was something to work with, wasn’t it?
‘Can we, d’you think…?’
‘Yes,’ she said, her eyes not meeting his. ‘… I think so.’
Tom smiled before he pulled her towards him. A smile of relief. Not everyone needed to know everything. Alison was happy now, so nothing else really mattered. Fuck you, Ewan. This was his strength. He was good at keeping the little people at bay, out of the loop. Ewan was proof of that. Everything he wanted was his. The world was his. It was. All the battlements were strong and functional again. His. Bring it on. He’d fuck her tonight, and the world would be the way it should be. The way it was meant to be. His world. God, what a master he was! Easy come, much less easy go. Wasn’t that right? C’mon Ewan, c’mon Ali, c’mon world. He’d played the game long enough, hadn’t he? The time was his. The world was his. Finally. Thank the gods, or whoever, whatever it was looking out for him.
Tom smiled again as he took Alison’s hand and led her towards the bedroom. Pulling her onto the bed, he pressed his tongue into her mouth. That’s what she wanted, that’s what she liked, wasn’t it? Kissing her face and neck, he felt her kick off her shoes. ‘Hang on,’ he said and got up, going back to where he’d left the bottle in the living room. The glass was winking at him, coaxing him to fill it up. He filled it up, he obliged and brought it back to the bedroom, along with a second bottle, just in case. Alison was already undressing as he returned.
‘C’mon,’ she said, ‘time waits for nobody. It’s been too long!’
Sharp rays of sunshine poked through the curtains and he rubbed his crusty eyes, wondering why she hadn’t pulled them to. He nudged her. Nothing. Raising himself from the bed, he yanked them shut and dumped his body back onto the bed, elbowing her as he turned to face the wall.
‘Tom?’ Alison said, placing her arm around his naked chest.
‘Fuck, Ali, how many times do I have to say? Shut the fucking curtains, why don’t you?’
‘They’re shut,’ she said through a yawn, squinting at the window. ‘Go back to sleep. It’s Satur…’
Tom hunched himself up on one shoulder, piercing her sleeping face with his eyes. He shoved the duvet towards her and forced his legs to the floor.
‘Bitch,’ he said quietly, getting to his feet.
As he stood in the ensuite, peeing, he wanted to go back into the bedroom and shake her. Show her how he really felt. Always bloody right, always comfy up there, on the moral high ground. A wave of nausea rose up from his belly and he dropped to his knees, cupping his face in his hands as he gazed into the toilet bowl. Get me out of here! It was a scream. It was palpable. No one heard it but him. Returning to the bedroom, he pulled the duvet back and wrapped his cold arm around her, feeling her flinch ever so slightly. Tom felt his body tense as the room started to shrink and enclose him. Did he really want this anymore? His brain throbbed and threatened to burst. He turned to face the wall again. He should have walked away when he had the chance.
His phone vibrated twice beside the near-empty wine glass on the bedside table. A quick glance at Alison to see if she had noticed, but she remained still, her back to him. Raising himself on his elbow, he drained what was left in the glass and picked up the phone. Two texts:
ANDY_GD – ENJOYED WED MATE. HOPE YOU DID TOO
ANDY_GD – FREE TODAY? WANT A REMATCH?
He didn’t have to think twice:
SURE, MATE. WHEN U FR
But the bedroom door creaked open, and he placed the phone face down on his table. Jenny stood there smiling at him.
‘Danny and I have made breakfast,’ she said.
‘Thanks, love,’ he said, ‘I’ll give Mum a shake, and we’ll be right through.’
Tom tapped Alison on the shoulder. She turned to look at him, her eyes half closed and bleary.
‘It’s Saturday,’ she mumbled. ‘Go back to sleep.’
‘The kids have made breakfast,’ he said. ‘C’mon, get up. They’re waiting for us.’
He reached over, pulled her towards him, kissing her neck half-heartedly. ‘They’ve made an effort for a change, c’mon, we need to make some effort too. Show them we’re solid. They need reassurance.’
‘OK,’ she said, rubbing her eyes. She got up from the bed and pulled her dressing gown on, smiling at Tom as she headed towards the door.
‘I think I smell burning. I best go and help them,’ she said.
‘I’ll be through in a sec,’ said Tom, picking up his downturned phone.
His fingers felt for the keys as he watched her leave the room. He finished off his text and pressed ‘send’.
SURE, MATE. WHEN U FREE? THIS AFT?
The reply was immediate:
ANDY_GD – GR8! 4 PM? MY PLACE AGAIN? CNT W8!
Tom put his phone face down again and turned towards the picture of him and Alison on her bedside table. Where was that? Morocco? Before the kids came along, anyhow. God, we were so happy then! Oh, my darling, I’m such a shit aren’t, I? What was he turning into? She was everything that was important to him. How could he even consider jeopardising that? A pervading sense of shame washed over him, and he felt tears welling. I’m sorry!
His phone buzzed with another text. He picked it up. It was Andy again. The message was blurred through his watery eyes. It didn't matter anyway.
He pressed REPLY:
SORRY, SOMETHING’S COME UP.
Then he deleted all the messages and blocked the number. It was time for change. Time to be a better man.
Chapter Five
Then
Tom stared in disbelief at the screen on his desk. ‘Fucking hell! I’ve done it!’
He took his calculator from the desk drawer and punched in some numbers. A broad smile spread across his face, and he threw his head back, laughing. Now the mortgage payments on the new house wouldn’t be
a problem. In fact, he wouldn’t even need a mortgage. His secret wish had been answered and then some. A better life would be theirs. Just let this work and then he’d take whatever came to repay the spirits for their benevolence. He looked at his watch. Where was she? He’d been trying to call Alison all day – when had she ever not picked up when he called her? God, he had to tell her this news. It was going to change their lives forever, and the look of joy and surprise on her face was all the reward he wanted right now. As he picked up his phone to call her again, his office door clicked open. Tom swung round in his chair, sensing her presence and grinning. Alison had no smile for him. Her blue eyes were wide and frightened, and her face was flushed; she was on the point of tears. Tom felt his grin dissolve, and he stood up.
‘What’s up, darling?’
Her lips trembled. She lunged towards him, her arms extended, with hot tears streaming down her cheeks. He pulled her to him and cupped her head against his chest as she sobbed deep breaths onto his shirt. Caressing her long brown hair, he whispered into her ear, ‘C’mon, Ali, what’s wrong?’
She pulled away from him, taking both his hands in hers, squeezing them. Their eyes locked, but all he could see in the glistening blue of hers was fear.
‘I’ve just come from Dumfries General.’ Her voice was shaky.
Panic began to rise in Tom. What on earth could be wrong? She’d seen Dr Palmer that morning – an infection in her right breast, she’d thought. It had swollen up overnight, and she felt sure that it was an inflamed gland – something simple, something antibiotics would put right. She’d had those all the time when she was breastfeeding, and quite a few times since. There was never anything that wasn’t fixable in a week or two. Maybe the tears were because she was being laid off from her job. Well, that wouldn’t matter now that…
‘They think it’s cancer,’ she whispered. ‘I had every test under the sun this afternoon. They say it’s aggressive. I have to go to Edinburgh for further assessment on Wednesday. They think the biopsy results will be through by then, but they don’t seem to be in any doubt, anyway.’
Tom stepped back. The words were like hammer blows. Tell him she was having an affair. Tell him she was leaving him. Don’t tell him this. Please, not this. He closed his eyes and pressed his thumbs against the lids. The familiar white nebulous map of eternity formed on his retinas. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run away from it. He wanted time to reverse and prevent this moment from ever happening. Unsay those words, please! He sucked in a deep breath, grasping for a response.
‘It’ll be OK, darling. They’ll get rid of whatever it is. We’ll get through this. They’ve caught it early, thank God.’
Had he said that? Fuck, Tom, get a grip. Alison forced a weak smile and sat down.
‘You know, when you didn’t call me, I just guessed it was something and nothing – the usual – nothing to worry about,’ said Tom.
‘Dr Palmer phoned the hospital as soon as he finished examining me. Yes, he thought there was probably nothing to worry about too. But, of course, it was best to be sure. Being told to go straight to the hospital and being seen by a consultant as soon as I got there, gave me my first clues. I just didn’t want to worry you. There was no point until they had more idea of what I might be facing.’
They drove home in silence. As they pulled into their courtyard, she pulled on the sleeve of his jacket. ‘Let’s not tell the kids until we know the full picture.’
Tom smiled at her. ‘Let’s not tell them at all. It’ll be fine. When it’s all over, they’ll be none the wiser. We’ll beat this, Ali. Me and you. We’ll beat this.’
They walked hand in hand through the back door and into the kitchen. It was a mess. There were empty packs of ham and cheese strewn around, with bread hanging out of its wrapper, mayonnaise smears all over the worktops, and an open mustard pot. Empty crisp packets were littered here and there, and the sink was full of dishes and cutlery. Toast crumbs and other detritus crunched on the tiles under their feet.
‘Please don’t have a go at them,’ Alison pleaded.
‘With what we’re facing, nothing else matters.’ He shrugged.
A feeling of defeat permeated through Tom. His jaw dropped as if some invisible scaffolding had collapsed and the structure had given in. He took hold of her waist and pulled her close to him, his fear tarnishing the air, mingling uncomfortably with hers, leaving him helpless. They walked through the dining room, still holding on to one another, and when they reached the stairs, there was the garbled noise of two TV sets fighting the blare of one another.
Tom shouted upstairs, ‘Daniel, Jenny!’
There was no response, so he went halfway up the staircase and shouted again, more loudly. The sound stopped on one of the TVs and a door opened.
Daniel’s voice cut through the noise from Jenny’s TV. ‘Hi, Dad.’
‘I’m going to make dinner. Have you already eaten or will you join us?’ asked Tom.
‘Yeah, I’m starving. All the mess in the kitchen is all from fatso next door.’
‘OK,’ Tom replied, trying not to sound angry. ‘Please ask your sister if she wants to eat with us. Sorry we’re late home.’
‘OK, Dad. See you in a minute.’
Alison squeezed Tom’s arm and smiled up at him. ‘I love you.’
Daniel came bounding downstairs, kissed his mum on the cheek, and headed straight for the kitchen. Tom watched him scoop up the litter on the worktops and tidy up the general mess before he turned on the oven. Then he took a casserole from the fridge.
‘I’ve got a surprise for you,’ said Daniel, grinning from the kitchen door. Alison smiled widely.
‘Oh, really? That’s nice. Do tell.’
‘I’ve made dinner for us tonight,’ he replied.
Tom had his back to his son, pouring himself a glass of wine. Turning around, he smiled and said, ‘That’s great, buddy, what’ve you made? We’re totally whacked. You really couldn’t have given us a better surprise! Thanks.’
Daniel beamed. ‘Yeah, we made lasagne in domestic science at school today. Mrs Bryce said mine turned out best of the lot. Why are you so late tonight, Dad? Mum, you’re always home first. Where have you been?’
Tom noticed his son eyeing his wine glass suspiciously, and he put it down. Try and keep things normal. Drinking during the week wasn’t a habit of his.
‘It’s been an odd day,’ said Tom. ‘There was me thinking it was Friday, too. A glass of wine will be perfect with your pasta, mind you. Mum and I just had an errand to run.’
‘OK, I’ve put the oven on,’ said Daniel. ‘It’ll be ready in half an hour. I’ll set the table.’
Daniel returned to the kitchen, leaving a bemused Tom and Alison staring at one another.
‘Well, this is a first,’ said Tom, raising his glass to Alison.
She smiled. ‘He’s growing up. Be nice about it when you try it, please.’
‘I’m always nice!’ Tom stuck out his tongue and pressed his thumb against his nose, wiggling his fingers, before slugging another mouthful from his glass. ‘If only you liked wine too. I can’t think of a better time than tonight for you to start an excellent habit.’
‘I don’t like the taste and I never will. You know that. Get me some orange juice, please. I’m going to change. I want this day gone.’
When Alison returned in her dressing gown, Jenny and Tom were sitting at the dining room table. Daniel had set the table, and he’d put napkins at every place, with a glass of water and a bread plate next to each setting. He was busy placing a roll on each plate. Soft music was playing in the background, and Tom recognised the opening chords of ‘Hallelujah’. He and Alison exchanged knowing glances.
‘Sit down, Mum. Dinner is about to be served.’ Daniel bowed, waiter-like with a white tea towel folded over his arm. He winked at his father and headed to the kitchen, oblivious to Jenny’s scowl chasing his back. Tom reached over and tapped Jenny’s shoulder.
‘Behave, you,’ he sai
d. ‘I want no squabbling this evening, OK? Mum has had a long, hard day.’
‘Sorry, Dad,’ said Jenny.
On Wednesday morning, Tom woke up at six thirty a.m. He threw on a pair of jeans and a jumper, pulled on his dressing gown over the top and walked through to the sitting room. The curtains, only partly closed, allowed a dull streak of the grey morning to split the room in two, one shade of bleak only slightly lighter than the other. He pushed them further apart and gazed out at the darker clouds fingering the bare branches of the trees. Morning news chattering from the television washed over him, and he pulled at the cord of his dressing gown, wondering what to do next. Daniel came bustling in and plunked down next to him on the sofa.
‘You’re up early, Dad,’ he said, digging his elbow into Tom’s side.
Tom laughed. ‘That’s good, coming from you! What gets you up at this time?’
‘I’m always up before you,’ he replied, ‘I’m just usually upstairs waiting for the day to get going.’
Tom put his arm around him. ‘We should hang out more often, then. Morning is my lonely time.’
Daniel put both his arms around Tom. ‘Don’t be daft, Dad. There’s no need to be lonely with Mum and me here. And if you really crave company, there’s always fatso upstairs. She could win Olympic gold for Britain if they introduced a mindless-prattling category.’
Tom laughed. ‘I know that, son. Thanks. And stop bad-mouthing your sister, please. You want some breakfast?’
‘Do bears shit in the woods?’ said Daniel.
Tom laughed again, poked his son in the stomach, and headed to the kitchen. Alison had come through from their bedroom too and followed him. She put her arms around his waist and nuzzled her head between his shoulder blades.
‘Morning, my darling,’ he said, cupping her hands and pushing them to his chest.
Rufus and Jasper came trotting after them, purring and rubbing themselves against their legs.
‘Breakfast time for the moggies,’ murmured Tom.
‘My appointment is at ten thirty on Friday at Edinburgh Royal. Will you be able to drive me? They said I might need collecting if they start treatment right away. That private insurance you talked me into may be useful now.’