by Vivian Wood
He snorts. “Yeah, okay.”
“No, I’m serious.” I pause. “I missed New York.”
“You missed Rachel, more like.”
I shrug. “New York is her city, after all. I’m just a kid from West Orange.”
Aiden nods vaguely. He drives us over the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan. I rub my palms against my jeans, comforted by the fact that the denim actually absorbs some of my built up sweat. I’ve become used to hospital clothes over the last year, garments that have been worn and washed so many times that they have become soft.
In the psych ward, patients weren’t allowed zippers or laces on our clothes. We could use them to hurt ourselves if we were desperate enough, I guess.
“It’s nice to be wearing jeans again.”
He looks a little surprised. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Though I’m a hell of a lot skinnier than the last time I wore these pants.” I close one eye, trying to figure when that was. “I think I wore them the last time I was home. At least a year and a half ago, I’d bet.”
Aiden wrinkles his brow. We drive into the thick of the city, buildings rising around us, caging us in. I try not to think about how suffocated being around all this concrete makes me feel.
He clears his throat. “Did you call Olivia?”
Nodding, I look out the window. “I did.”
“And?”
I shrug. “She was happy to hear I was alive. And pissed that I wouldn’t let her tell Rachel anything.”
“Well… you have a plan, I guess. Though I do think that calling her and giving her a heads up or even a word letting her know you’re alive would’ve been just as good.”
Staring straight ahead, I shrug again. “We’ll see.”
He frowns and slides his gaze over to me. “You nervous about going to this charity thing?”
He’s referring to the event we are going to crash. A bunch of people from Rachel’s mother’s set — a whole different class of ladies than what I grew up around — are lunching at the Met to raise money for something.
“Fuck yes. I’m worried that Rachel won’t recognize me or something. It’s been a year since…” I cut myself off, a lump forming in my throat. I’m so fucked up over the past. Naming even this single regret out loud is too much for me.
Aiden looks me up and down. “I don’t think she would forget you, honestly.”
No. Maybe not. But she probably won’t understand when I tell her where I’ve been for the past year. In and out of psych hospitals, on and off of some really heavy meds.
How do I even begin to tell her that?
Oh god. What if she’s moved on? She has figured out how much better she can do than me, a piece of white trash that is no better than what she scrapes off her shoe?
My hands start to shake.
“What if she does forget me, though? What if—” I gulp in air. “What if she has replaced me?”
She has every right to go on with her life, even though I’m stuck in mine.
Aiden pumps the brakes and honks at the car in front of him.
“I mean… you guys dated for years. I doubt she’s suddenly a different person, Grayson.” Ever the pragmatist, Aiden is ready with a reply, locked and loaded. “But if she has replaced you, that just means you’ll come out west with me. I just got started working for the National Park Service as a park ranger. I think you would love it, honestly.”
“Mmm.” I can’t even think about his words just now. I’m buzzing with adrenaline. “Take this next right. I think the museum is right down the street.”
We pull into a lane of traffic, instantly slowing. I was right… the Met is just to our right, its gray façade looming large. We queue up with the limos that are stopping just before the Met’s grand stone steps. We are early; the lunch starts in an hour. Which leaves plenty of time for me to be here, waiting on the steps for Rachel.
Aiden sticks his head out the window.
“I think that this lane is just cars that are waiting to get to the front steps. You want to hop out?”
“Yep. You want to circle for a while?” I start to open the door.
“I live to serve,” Aiden says, his tone droll.
I freeze. Way up ahead, two people are making their way up the steps. One has hair the exact color of honey and wears a light blue dress. The other is some well-dressed sandy haired guy. For a second, I’m not sure that it’s her.
But then she pauses, looking back at the street.
Warm brown eyes, tanned skin, perfect pink lips.
It’s Rachel.
The guy grabs her, tugging her into his arms. She’s a little resistant, but when he plants a kiss on her lips, she lets him. Then he sweeps her up the stairs, disappearing through the stone archway that leads into the Met.
My heart plummets through my stomach and shatters on the floor. For a second, everything around me goes eerily silent. The only sound I can hear is the dull thud of the blood rushing in my ears.
Rachel is with someone else. My worst dream has come true.
“Oh man…” I hear Aiden whisper under his breath.
I turn to look at him. He wears the sorriest expression I’ve ever seen.
He clears his throat. “I’m sure if you just go up to her, Rachel will be glad to see you.”
I slam the car door shut, overwhelmed.
I knew it.
She did replace me.
I can’t even pretend I’m surprised, honestly. It’s probably better for her this way.
The last thing Rachel needs is someone like me darkening her doorstep.
“Just drive,” I blurt out, looking straight ahead.
“Okay…” Aiden says. “But where are we going?”
I pause, my head spinning. “Where did you say you were working again?”
“In Washington. Olympic Park, near Seattle.”
I clench my fists, digging my nails into my palms. “Sounds good. That’s a good place to start.”
“Maybe you should—”
I cut him off. “Did you lose anyone while you were serving in the Navy?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Then you don’t get it. I would appreciate it if you would mind your own fucking business.”
He looks at me for a few beats, then pulls the car out into traffic. “Alright. Whatever you say, man.”
I close my eyes and lean my head back against the plush seat. “Wake me up when we get to Pennsylvania.”
Feigning sleep, I turn all my noisy emotions inward.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rachel
After three days of grueling hikes and some serious collecting of samples, I have finally accumulated so many tiny test tubes that I have to ship them back. The easiest way to do that is to go back to base camp. That way we can restock our dwindling supplies and take a much-needed break.
It will also be a relief of sorts to be around other people. Every time I see Grayson I either want to jump his bones or punch him. Honestly, the whiplash is really tiring, all in itself.
My pack is digging into my shoulder uncomfortably. I’m loaded down with all the supplies and the test tubes full of water. Who knew that I would be complaining more on the way back than the way to camp out?
Grayson turns around a bend and there is the base camp, looking like absolute heaven to me. I spy Nate on the front porch of the mess hall. He squints and then waves casually. I wave back.
“I’m going to head for my cabin,” I tell Grayson.
Grayson glances back at me and then shrugs. “Sure. For the next forty-eight hours, you and I aren’t responsible for each other. I don’t expect to see much of you.”
Then with that, he veers off away from the mess hall, back toward the ropes course. Feeling foolish, I head to my cabin. I’m tied up in knots, feeling angry at Grayson and then at the same time already feeling something missing when he’s not here. I swear, I just want to make it through the next few days unscathed and relax, but it’s not easy when I’m ob
sessing over Grayson.
As soon as I get to my cabin I drop my pack and head for the solar showers. I change into fresh clothing, wrinkling my nose as I pile up all my laundry.
God, I didn’t even realize how dirty I was. But I definitely do now. Doing some laundry is high up on my to do list for sure.
I sit on the bed, trying to decide what I should do first. Should I go eat? Should I seek out some companionship?
My gaze falls to the cell phone sitting on my bedside table.
Oh, god. There are probably a thousand messages and emails waiting for me.
Gritting my teeth, I reach over and power it on. I was right; there are a ton of ‘Rachel where r u?’ texts and a lot of emails requiring an urgent response. But the emails sort of trailed off a week ago and I don’t care about ninety five percent of the texts.
It’s invigorating, in a way. I spend about twenty minutes sorting through my emails and responding to the few that required responses. Then I lay back on the camp bed. It’s a lot softer than I remember it being, although a lot of that has to do with sleeping on a cot during my time away from here. Not knowing quite what to do with myself, I allow my eyes to close.
When a knock comes on my door, my eyes open. The sun has moved, slanting to indicate that it is the late afternoon.
“Yes?” I call, wiping sleep from my eyes.
“Rachel?” A young woman’s voice calls, sounding very familiar. I can’t place it, though.
I get up and open the door. Standing there is Olivia Sellwood, Grayson’s little sister. She’s just a few years younger than I am. Dark-haired, taller than me, and lovely, she’s a blast from the past for sure.
“Olivia!” I say, my eyebrows raising. Seeing her is a little disorienting. On one hand, I want to go hug her. But I don’t, because I know the truth now. My lips press together tightly.
She smiles, flashing me a dimple. “I heard you were here so…”
That brings reality crashing down on me. Olivia has known that Grayson was here the whole time. Five years ago, she lied to me a number of times when I reached out to see if she had heard anything. And stupid me, I was too wrapped up in my grief to even notice whether she was acting strange.
Crossing my arms, I cock my hip. “Yes. I found your brother by accident, it seems.”
Olivia has the same eyes as her brother, a royal blue. They fill with a kind of concern.
“I’m sorry, Rachel. Really I am. I thought that Grayson was dead just like you did for almost a year, though. And he made me swear not to tell you once Aiden contacted me to tell me my brother was alive.”
I narrow my eyes, as if I can glare the truth out of her. But after a second it seems like Olivia’s being honest. I blow out a breath.
“Do you want to take a walk?” I ask her. “It’s so nice out today. There are some picnic tables over by the mess hall that have been calling my name.”
She perks up. “Sure. That would be great.”
Slipping on a pair of ballet flats, I head out into the main area of camp with Olivia. We’re mostly quiet on the way to the picnic tables. Olivia is still looking up at the canopy above with something like wonder.
Then again, the canopy is worth remarking on. “The trees that form the ceiling must be old. I mean, to have a roots system that allows them to be so far away.”
She smiles softly. “It’s a pretty magical place.”
I nod. “Are you in school somewhere?”
She laughs. “I just graduated from Kean University. I was in the top of my class, which means absolutely nothing.”
“No?”
She favors me with a sarcastic glance. “No. It’s not like I graduated from Princeton or something. Hardly anyone showed up for the graduation of my class, including the class members themselves.”
We reach the picnic benches and sit down on top of one.
“I’m guessing from your tone that Grayson and your mom were not there to cheer you on.”
She laughs again. “Umm, that would be correct. Grayson sent roses. Mom fell off the map a few months ago. I don't even know if she’s alive.”
I know that feeling all too well. Although I knew that their mom was an erratic drug addict, I honestly never stopped to consider how it affected Olivia or Grayson. “I’m so sorry, Olivia.”
She flashes me a bright smile. “Don’t be. I’m making it just fine.”
“That doesn’t make me any less sorry.”
She rolls her eyes. “Tell me about how hiking with my brother has been. I’m guessing it is something of a challenge, being that Grayson can be such a jerk.”
Now it’s my turn to laugh.
“It’s been fifteen days. Longer than I thought Grayson and I would make it without killing each other. So high five for that.”
I hold my hand up and she gives me a surprisingly strong high five.
“Thank you for not killing him. Trust me, I know it must be difficult.”
“It really is.” I sigh. “But also this working vacation is going by way too quickly. When it’s over, I have to go back to New York.”
Back to living my restrictive life. Back to feeling like I’m forever the pawn in my father’s schemes. It makes me want to curl up in a ball and wither away.
“Yeah.” Olivia scrunches up her face. “Real life sucks. I suppose the alternative is to become some sort of hobo and live in the woods like some people we know.”
I think of Grayson, who is living his life on his own terms. He didn’t like his life. So he left and did something different. Well, there is a lot more to it than that, but that’s what it boils down to.
“The idea of living out here appeals to me sometimes.”
Well, if I’m being honest, it’s more than that. Grayson appeals to me.
Olivia lifts her eyebrows.
“Really? How could you decide to leave everything that is back in New York behind for this? I understand why he did it, I guess. But you… you have everything.”
I let out a bark of laughter. “So my family likes to remind me.”
She just shrugs. My attention is pulled away from the conversation by the arrival of a big, mud-covered Jeep. It stops short on the other side of camp. Aiden climbs out of the driver’s seat, running his hand through his dark hair.
I turn to say something to Olivia, only to find her gaze glued on Aiden. She has this intense look of longing on her face, just the same way I’ve often felt about Grayson.
“Oh my god. Are you into Aiden?” I blurt out.
She immediately blushes as red as fire. “What?”
“You are!” I accuse her. “You’re totally head over heels in love with Aiden.”
She pushes a lock of her dark hair behind her ear. “No. Definitely not.”
I grin. “You are!”
She gives me a withering glare. “And you’re not still hung up on my brother? Why else would any sane person still be here when their ex turned up?”
My cheeks turn pink. “If I protested too hard, my father would make sure that I was on the very next plane back to Manhattan.”
“Yeah right. You have it bad for Grayson. You always have. It’s almost gross if it wasn’t kinda sweet.”
I favor her with a frown. Is she right? Do I still have feelings for Grayson?
I think of the other night, when he held me in his arms and made me moan his name over and over again. My cheeks color.
God, Olivia could be right.
“I’m not sure that I’m glad you are here, Olivia,” I inform her.
She gives me a devilish smile. “I won’t say anything to my brother if you don't tell Aiden all the crazy things you’ve been saying. Deal?”
I roll my eyes. “Deal.”
“Speaking of Grayson…” She nods her head. I see Grayson and Aiden clasp hands. They turn towards the mess hall.
Wrinkling my nose, I slide off the table. “They have a pretty good idea. The mess hall should be serving dinner about now.”
Olivia stands up
, dusting herself off. “That sounds delightful, actually.”
“I have to grab a jacket out of my cabin. I’ll meet you there?”
She’s staring at Aiden again, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. She sucks in a breath. “Sure, yeah. See you there.”
Giving my head a little shake, I head to my cabin. My brain is packed with thoughts. Mostly, I admit, impossible dreams of what life would be like if I just broke free from my family and lived like I really want to live.
Would I end up out here?
Living out in the forest with Grayson at my side sounds intense and wonderful at the same time. I could work as a geologist and he could figure out how to stay indoors sometimes…
Then I have another thought. This one stops the first one in its tracks.
He doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want me. Or he can’t handle me, either way.
Then I get all misty eyed. I suck in a breath and blow it out. Refusing to cry in front of Grayson, in front of everyone at base camp, seems like the way to go right now.
I tuck my head down and take a walk instead, knowing with every step that I can’t stay.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Grayson
I lean back against my seat near the fire, watching Rachel. Nate encouraged everyone to build a huge bonfire to the side of the mess hall. So we did it just as the sun was slipping from the sky. Now it’s full dark and everyone is clustered around the fire.
Aiden is telling some story to Olivia. On the other side of them, Rachel and Nate are chatting. Her honey colored hair looks amazing by firelight, strands of it catching the light. I fantasize about plunging my hands into her mane and taking what I want from her all too ready lips. For some reason, I can’t think about anything else tonight.
Even though I know better — even though I was the one to push Rachel away last time when she asked me for more — my thoughts keep coming back to her anyway.
Aiden looks over to me and catches me staring at Rachel. He rolls his eyes.
“If you want to kiss her so damn bad, then you should. I have a feeling that she would go along with it. She might even like it.”