by Lee Quail
“On the contrary, I have a lot to say. I’ve had this bad feeling for a while now. I can’t fight you.”
“Where’s all this coming from? Someone’s been talking shit into your head, Ed. Angie?”
“No one’s said anything. It’s all me.”
“This fight is not about us. It’s about the gym. People have bought tickets to watch this fight. It’s going viral already, it’s going to be streamed across continents. This fight will set us up for the next few years. You say you won’t fight, do you have a plan B?”
“I’m leaving town so you won’t have to bother with me.”
Raw stared uncomprehendingly at Edward. “What?”
“I need to be alone, Raw.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“I’m dead serious.”
“What? There’s someone else. I knew it. ”
Edward's lips trembled with emotion and he closed his eyes to stem the flow of tears, but try as he might, they poured from his eyes.
Raw gently touched his chin.
“I love you, you can tell me. If there’s someone else I’ll be hurt but eventually get over it.”
“There’s no one. No one. It’s you, it’s always been you and I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want this, Raw. Can’t you understand, if I don’t get away from you I’m scared of what these hands have the potential to do. I killed Masinga right there in the ring and nearly killed Put yesterday and I will never, never forgive myself for doing that to you.”
“You’re not going to kill me, Edward. That’s not going to happen. We’re going to die from natural causes when we’re old and crippled.”
“I won’t fight you, Raw. Don’t make me do something I won’t do.”
“Ed. Please, think about the legal repercussions you’d have to face. Have you thought about that?”
“No one’s going to find me. I’ll be out of your life. I’m not going to fight you.”
“There’s something not right here. At the weigh-in, you were ready for this. You stared into my eyes and I thought, does this look like the face of mercy? You were ready, why this, now?”
A long silence followed before Edward answered. “Because I love you. Not as a brother, not as a friend. I love you more than you will ever know and I’m not prepared to hurt you. No one in their right mind would do that.”
“You’re not making sense. Sure, we love each other, but this is not our fight. There is no winner or loser. Don’t you get that?”
“There’s always a winner. Always a loser.”
“Not this time, Ed.”
“Tell that to the bookies. Tell that to the crowd who have paid to see us fight. See what they say; it’s always about the winner.”
“So then I’ll let you win if winning means so much to you.”
“Winning? I don’t care if I win or lose. And I’ve already explained. I’m not going to hurt the man I love.”
Raw’s face tensed up as Edward continued..
“You’re ill, Raw. You’re ill and you won’t listen to good advice, not from Angie or me. I played all my cards. I have always been upfront with you. You could at least compromise and see a doctor.”
“I don’t want to talk about this. You have to fight me. You’re bound. That’s a bitch of a contract to get out of.”
“I don’t care about the contract. Spectators, judges, organizers, they can all go to hell, but I won’t be the one to hurt you. I want you to see a doctor about those headaches.”
Raw closed his eyes and felt his world slipping away from him.
“I don’t need to see a doctor, Ed.”
“Then you lose me,” Edward fidgeted with his bunch of keys, his hands trembled as he tried to remove Raw’s apartment key from the bunch.
“I’ve seen many. They all say the same thing.”
Edward stopped trying to remove the key and closed his eyes.
“I have a brain tumour.”
Edward’s throat constricted. The blood drained from his face. He tried to regain his senses but everything around him faded.
“Jesus,” he said, shaking his head. “Jesus, Raw.” Time stood still.
“No one knows, just you,” Raw said.
Edward didn’t have the words to express his shock and anger adequately. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he whispered.
“I have this fear inside about what would happen if you knew. I couldn’t tell you because I…I don’t want to lose you. You have to fight me. If you don’t they’ll ask questions and they’ll find out.”
“I’m not fighting you, Raw. Especially now that I know.”
Raw’s heart beat faster and faster. He approached Edward, reached out to touch his face, but Edward stepped back. “No, Raw. This is not what I want. This is not what I had in mind the day I met you.” Edward said, heading for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to think.”
“Wait, Ed! Please, let’s talk this through logically. If you go now there’s…”
“I’ve caused enough darkness in my own life and I’m not going to enter that ring knowing I could kill you. I’m not going to do that. I would rather have nothing than hurt you.”
Raw chased after him down the corridor towards the lift. “Listen. Listen, Ed. We can postpone the fight until I have a clean bill of health.”
“Don’t you get it, Raw? Your private doctor should have come forward and annulled the contract. He should have stepped in and told everyone that the fight was off. Your team doctor doesn’t even know about your headaches and he’s examined you thoroughly for this fight. What is he, a moron?”
The lift doors opened. “There’s nothing more to say.” Edward stepped in and Raw followed, immediately grabbing him around the waist and pulling him into his space.
“Please, don’t leave me.”
Edward stared at the elevator floor. His face unemotional.
“I’ll go to a doctor. I’ll schedule an operation. I promise. Please, stay with me today. I want you here with me, always. I want you to move in with me. Please, Ed.”
The lift doors opened and Edward pulled himself out of Raw’s grip.
Tears burned Raw’s eyes, his heart pounded wildly in his chest. The headache grew worse and worse as each second ticked by as he watched the love of his life walk away. And it felt like the end of the world.
Edward didn’t turn and he didn’t say goodbye.
20
The first words that came out of Curisco’s mouth on Monday morning: “Where’s Edward. And how come you look like a bus hit you?”
Raw went straight to the punching bag section with Curisco on his heels.
“I asked you where is Edward.”
Raw punched the bag slowly at first, kicked, and punched some more.
“What are you doing? You and Edward are set to fight in a week, now I am asking you one last time. Where. Is. Edward.”
As Raw aimed his punches at the bag, he bit his lip and wished Curisco away. Bam! Bam Bam! Kick. Bam Bam Bam! The bag danced in the air, swept back and came forward. Bam. Bam. Bam. Bam Bam!
Curisco came from behind him and stopped the bag.
“Raw! Stop this.”
Raw lowered his fists and hunched his shoulders. He refused to gaze into Curisco’s eyes.
“Edward’s gone.”
“Gone? What do you mean gone? He has a fight on Saturday. How can he be gone?”
“He doesn’t want to fight me.”
“But he can’t just go.”
“He’s gone. He said you couldn’t expect him to fight the man he loves. He said it would be useless to try and find him.”
“Everyone can be found. If he doesn’t fight you, how do we face the public? Everyone who has bought tickets, we’ll need to refund them. Our reputation is at stake here. How could you allow this to happen?”
Raw snapped his eyes up and glared at Curisco. “Me? How could I allow this to happen?” He turned around and removed his gloves as he walked
away. “All you’re interested in is yourself, your reputation and this gym. Nothing else interests you. You caused this, not me.” He threw the gloves onto the stairs as he descended the steps. “You’re the one who wants us to fight. It’s like an obsession you have. You. This gym. This fight. What about me, Dad? What about Edward and me and Mamma? You don’t give a running fuck about us, Curisco.”
Raw stormed out the gym and headed towards his car with Curisco following close behind. “Where the fuck are you going? Answer me you little squirt. Don’t you walk away from me!”
Raw stopped. He turned and grabbed Curisco by the lapel of his shirt. Caught by surprise, he stumbled backward. Raw pinned him to the car door and breathed into his face.
“You seem to know so much about squirts, don’t you? Maybe you should change that to skirts. At least I love one man. You, on the other hand, don’t know what love is. My man is gone because you made it happen with your obsession to see us fight. Now, I’m going, and you aren’t going to stop me.”
“Where are you going?”
“To find him. To tell him it’s okay that we don’t fight. To tell him that all this…all this has no value because without him nothing matters.” Raw shoved Curisco aside and opened the car door. “Nothing matters, Dad.”
Raw accelerated and blew the hooter at an oncoming car to give way as he turned the corner and headed towards Angie’s house in Morningside.
Angie set aside her knitting and explained, “He did the same thing when his mother passed on. Just disappeared. Three weeks later he came back as though nothing had happened. He changed. He disappeared after the fight with Masinga. No one could find him. He runs and comes back a changed man with new short and long-term goals. He mentioned a place in the Drakensberg. He goes there when life gets too much for him. That’s where he applies brakes. Allows no one in. It’s his way of dealing with the rot.”
“I’m rot. Is that it?”
“On the contrary. He loves you more than he loved his mother. More than he loves himself.”
“Where is this place in the Drakensberg?”
“I have no idea.”
“I have to find him, Angie.”
“Don’t count on it. But, he’ll be back, and he will have changed.”
Raw didn’t return to the gym. Angie said every time Edward went to the Berg, he returned a changed man. What if he returned and broke up with Raw? That would break his soul. He had never met any of Edward’s relatives, didn’t even know if he had any.
The idea came to him that Edward might have someone else in his life, someone he’d met online. Even so, as ridiculous as it may have been to think like that, he brainstormed different scenarios but found no answers.
That night, as he lay on his bed hugging a pillow, his cell phone beeped a hundred times. He didn’t bother to look, or reply.
After the third day, Raw hadn’t showered. He smelled of old deodorant. He hadn’t eaten. Exhausted through lack of sleep, he couldn’t keep his eyes open. When sleep finally set upon him, his dream was more about death than life.
His opponent, fearless and faceless, had him on the ropes, sweating, smelling the fear of defeat. He punched and punched at the stranger’s solar plexus, face, and head. He stood back, watching as his opponent dropped and hit the canvass face first, and as he dropped, he saw it was himself dropping. Eyes swollen, his brain screaming in pain. As he dropped, he saw the lifeless eyes. His head bounced on the canvass and his mouth guard popped out. Those lifeless eyes didn’t close. They remained open and blank and dead.
He woke up in a cold sweat and checked the time. Seven-thirty in the morning. He stared at the ceiling with tears falling down the side of his face. His heart felt empty. Four days. Four days without Edward had brought him to this point where life meant nothing. He wished he could die. He wanted to die; he didn’t want to live without Edward.
His cold heart left his soul fractured and broken. He needed to hold Edward, not have sex with him. Just hold him. It dawned on him that might never happen again. They’d had their time. Edward had come into his life to teach him lessons. Now, he’d moved on to his next assignment whomever that may be.
The doorbell chimed. He let it chime again and again and again. It could only have been Angie or Curisco. Maybe his mama, and he didn’t want any of them to see him like this. Defeated. Eyes swollen from crying. Smelling like shit.
Then it hit him!
He suddenly realized he could have found Edward.
He held the keys to Edward’s apartment. He leaped out of bed, dressed in jeans and sandals and a white t-shirt, and sped over to Edward’s apartment across from Zoo Lake.
He opened the door and Edward’s unique smell smacked him hard; a husky, cinnamon smell that permeated everything. He went about rummaging through drawers for a clue, any clue to establish the location of this place in the Drakensberg about which Edward had never spoken.
He found a small notebook on the bedside table and flipped through the pages.
Today I met Rawson Curisco, a heavyweight. I thought my world had opened. He’s beautiful with this dimple on his cheek and brown eyes and a five-day shadow and his hair is the colour of the darkest, blackest night . Oh my god! Problem is he doesn’t smile, and I’d love to see him smile. I don’t think he likes me very much. All I know is how I feel; you know that feeling when you see someone and say to yourself, WOW! That feeling when love becomes you? It’s like floating on air, like swimming in a sea with dolphins. That’s what I felt. Pity he doesn’t feel the same way. I’ll probably never see him again.
Another entry read:
I got to see Raw again today. Angie asked me to fetch him from the hospital. My heart thumped so wildly when I saw him standing at the hospital entrance. In the car he treated me with disdain and when I dropped him off he fainted on the busy curb. Even though he treated me like dirt, I helped him. I couldn’t bear to see him hurt. He’s here now, in my apartment and he’s sleeping and I went into his room just to look at him. This man is beautiful. He takes my breath away.
Yet another entry:
Raw asked me to come by and look at his father’s gym. I don’t think I will. I mean I could, but I’d rather not. It’s been a long time since I threw a punch in the ring. Raw treats me with no respect. I’ve decided not to waste my energy on someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I think I’ll pack up a few things and go to Canton’s Cottage. Close to Cathedral Peak. At least there I’ll be able to forget this episode and move on with my life…I know it will be cold there at this time of year, but what the hell.
Raw looked up from the notebook.
Canton’s Cottage. Cathedral Peak.
He could stop and ask the locals about Canton’s Cottage. Someone must know.
He drove home and parked the car just after noon. He could drive to the berg and sleep in his car until morning, then continue on until he found the cottage.
He hurriedly packed a few clothes and his wallet with his driver’s license and credit cards. In the shower, he promised to find Edward before it was too late.
Before he changed.
Raw stayed overnight in Harrismith, and at first light, he continued his journey. He drove past the Sterkfontein Dam, and down the scenic Oliviershoek Pass, to Bergville. Beyond Bergville, he turned right at the Cathedral Peak Hotel sign. After about 16km, he turned right to Emmaus/Cathedral Peak where he stopped at a roadside diner, went inside and greeted the lady behind the counter.
“What will it be, sir?” Her skin was pale and she wore a long shawl.
“I’m looking for directions and hope you can help.”
“Where you headed?”
“I’m looking for Canton’s Cottage.”
“Canton’s Cottage – Edward Canton’s place?”
“That’s right.”
“I doubt if anyone’s there this time of the year, sir.”
“Emily!” A voice called from the rear.
“Helping a customer looking for directions to Edward�
�s place.”
A greying man appeared at the door and greeted Raw.
“Edward passed here about four days ago. He looked a mess. Go back on this road and the first gravel road you find, turn right. You can only turn right. Follow that road for about twenty kilometres into the mountain. Be warned, it’s steep but the road is good. You can’t miss the place. His dear mother, may her soul rest in peace, painted it bright orange. There’s a windmill on the property. You can see it from the road. That’s Edward’s place.”
“Thank you, thank you, sir. I appreciate this.”
He ran to his car in leaps and bounds, punching at the air. He turned on the music full blast, Joey Niceforo’s, It all Begins With Love, and followed the old man’s directions.
What would he say to Edward? Stuff that! He’d say the first words that come out of his mouth. One thing he knew for sure, he would not be returning to Johannesburg without his man.
The windmill loomed up ahead and he stopped at the first open gate on the right. He cruised in, stopped, closed the gate and continued up the road to the rustic house at the top of the hill.
Raw’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Edward standing on the patio, hands folded across his chest, leaning against a balustrade post at the top of the steps. He wore jeans and a rustic check shirt.
Raw climbed out of the car and stared at him with an indescribable yearning in his eyes. “I miss you,” he said. His shoes crunched the gravel path leading to the steps. He stood before Edward whose face expressed no emotion.
“You shouldn’t have come. I’m a used up dream.”
Edward’s words, like an electric shock, stunned Raw. He stepped back. Surprised by the ice and distance in his voice, he headed to his car.
“Where are you going?”
“It’s clear you don’t want me here. I can take a hint. You are right, maybe I am chasing after a used up dream.”
Edward followed him to the car and reached out to grab his hand.
Raw shook his hand away. “I’m wasting my time here, Edward.”
“Don’t you go. Damn you, Raw! Damn you! Don’t you walk away from me. I fucking missed you too.” He swung him around and kissed him square on the mouth but Raw pushed him away.