Randy narrowed his cave-colored eyes and pursed his lips together. “Ashlyn, are you all right? You look like you’re going to pass out.”
My knees almost buckled, but I placed my hand on the bookshelf to keep me steady. “I’m fine.”
He hiked his thumb back toward the library exit. “I can give you a ride home if you need it?”
“No, it’s fine.” I looked around, feeling extreme anxiety. He received another forced grin from me. “I gotta get going.”
“Yeah,” he said, holding up his books. “Me too. We have a show tonight. Take care, okay?”
Take care. Yeah right.
Heading back toward Henry’s house around four thirty, I narrowed my eyes when I saw Hailey crying on the steps while Ryan spun around on the front lawn in the snow.
“What’s going on?” I wondered out loud, moving in toward the house.
Ryan laughed when he saw me approaching him. He tossed his hands up into the air with the biggest smirk on his face. “I’m a walking statistic!” he screamed, racing over to me.
I gave him a short grin, not knowing what he was talking about but loving his overreacting nature. “What do you mean?” I asked, watching him jump up and down. He tossed my hands into his and started to spin me around, forcing me to jump up and down. I couldn’t help but laugh. “What the hell is going on, Ryan?!”
His deep chuckles filled the air and he bent over, grabbing his gut with laughter. “My mom went through my phone and found all of my text messages. From the Tonys! Holy shit! She cursed me, prayed for me, and then kicked me out. I’m eighteen, gay, and living out of my little sister’s car!” He smiled brightly and turned to Hailey, who was bawling her eyes out. “Thanks again for the keys, Hailey.”
My laughter came to a halt, and his continued on and on. “Oh my gosh, Ryan, that’s not funny…”
He had tears pouring from his eyes and he was shaking his head back and forth, louder laughter following. “I know! I know! But if I stop laughing, I’ll realize just exactly how fucked up everything is. And I’ll realize how much I have this ever-loving need to stop breathing. There have been so many times in the past hour where I just wished to stop. So please…”
His laughter continued, but this time I could hear the fear in every chuckle, the pain in each sparkle of light. A sad smile fell from my lips and I laughed. I laughed with him as he spun me around in a circle. I waved Hailey over, and her hands were soaked with tears, but she took our hands and spun with us. Laughing, giggling, chuckling. My ribs started hurting after a while, but I wouldn’t stop, because if I stopped, I had this feeling that Ryan would instantly fall to the ground and his lungs would just give up.
And I was in desperate need of him to breathe.
Just breathe.
“We are not going to the party,” I ordered as I sat in the driver’s seat of Hailey’s car. Ryan was determined to go drown his problems away, but I had a strong feeling that was the worst thing he could do.
“Oh yes we are,” Ryan argued.
“No, we are not.”
“My mom just kicked me out of her house—I am going to a party tonight.”
Hailey came to the car with a few of Ryan’s things in a suitcase. She tossed it into the back seat and then slid into the car. “I only grabbed a few outfits. Because this is going to blow over.” She paused and looked at Ryan and me. “This is all going to blow over, right?”
Ryan looked at me and then toward the house. “You should go back inside, Hailey,” he sighed.
“What? No way! Mom is acting crazy!” she cried, tossing her hands up in annoyance. “I’m not leaving you.”
Ryan turned around to face his sister and he wrapped his hands around her head. “I’m not leaving you either.” He reached forward and kissed her forehead. “Now go inside because you’re too good for Theo. And too good to ditch Mom tonight.”
“But I hate her,” she frowned.
“Oh, don’t hate her because of her and my issues,” Ryan laughed. “Go tell her you’re a Buddhist, and then you can hate her for her reaction to that.”
Hailey laughed lightly and Ryan wiped away the tears falling from his younger sister’s eyes. “When I turn eighteen, I’m running away with you and Ashlyn.”
“We’ll move to California. You can become a yoga instructor. Ashlyn will be a bestselling author, and I’ll be a prostitute on Hollywood Boulevard.”
He made his sister laugh again, and I saw a small grin form on his face. Hailey sat up straight. “Go big or go home, right?”
Ryan nudged his sister in the shoulder. “Go home, Hails.”
She sighed and nodded. Her door opened and she smiled back to her brother. “I love—”
“You,” Ryan finished.
“Promise you’ll look after him, Ashlyn?”
I promised.
Henry walked out of the house after Hailey went inside. He looked my way, waving me over. “I’ll be right back, Ry.”
I climbed out of the car and moved over to Henry, crossing my arms. “What the hell happened?” I whispered, turning my back to Ryan.
Henry’s eyes were heavy as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Rebecca… She…” He lowered his head. “How’s Ryan doing?”
“As well as possible, I guess.”
Henry reached into his pocket and pulled out a wad of cash. “I have three hundred on me. Give it to Ryan for the weekend. I’ll look into finding an apartment for him.”
I took the cash from Henry and nodded. “She’s not going to change her mind, is she?”
“She blames him for their father’s death.” His fingers traced through his peppered beard. “This had nothing to do with Ryan being gay. It has everything to do with Rebecca never working through her own demons. She would’ve found a reason to kick him out regardless.”
I knew what it felt like to be kicked out when you needed someone the most. I thought back to my mom and the choice she’d made to ship me off to Henry’s. Then I paused, realizing how lucky I was to have somewhere to go. Ryan had no one, nowhere to turn.
“Stay close to him, all right? And check back in with me?” Henry asked.
“Yeah, okay.” I turned to move back toward the car and paused. “Thanks, Henry. For helping him.”
He gave a halfway smile and headed back inside.
I moved back to the car, climbed in, and put it in drive. “Where to, buddy?”
Ryan smiled and slumped down in his seat, pinning his shoes on the dashboard. His fingers were holding his fake ID. “To the liquor store!”
We walked down the aisles of the liquor store, packing our shopping cart with whatever Ryan wanted. “We don’t really need to worry about the fake IDs,” Ryan said. “I gave the cashier his first blowjob last year.”
I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry. So I did neither.
When we rounded the corner toward the wine, he stopped pushing the cart. An older couple stood in front of us and Ryan gasped.
The couple looked up to see him and a wave of shock washed over their faces. “Ryan,” the older lady said, giving him a wry smile. She glanced at our cart filled with booze but tried her best to not show her concern. “How are you doing, darling?”
She was beautiful. Shoulder-length blond hair, the sweetest brown eyes. Her small frame was covered up with her peacoat.
Ryan’s eyes watered over. “It’s good to see you, Mr. and Mrs. Levels.”
The older guy smiled the same way his wife had. “Avery mentioned you last week. I was going to call to check up on you—”
Ryan cut in, leaning against the cart. “I’m fine. I’m okay.”
The man nodded his head and frowned. “It was good seeing you. If you ever need anything, just give us a call, okay?”
“Okay. Thanks. It was great seeing you both.”
Mrs. Levels walked over to Ryan and pulled him into a hug, whispering something into his ear. By the time she pulled away from him, they both had tears falling from their face.
“You too, Mrs. Levels.” Ryan smiled.
The couple turned away, never questioning the alcohol. Never questioning anything, really.
“Who were they?”
“Avery’s parents,” he sighed as he started pushing the cart. His finger brushed under his nose as he sniffled.
We picked up the alcohol and headed back to the car and straight to Jake’s.
Although neither of us was really in a partying mood.
Getting better every day.
I say with lies against my taste.
~ Romeo’s Quest
“He told me a few months ago that he wanted to come out. That he didn’t care what anyone thought. He said that he loved me and didn’t care who knew.” Ryan snickered and tossed back another shot of vodka as we both sat against a wall.
The bottle resting in his other hand was almost halfway empty, and I had every plan to take it away from him any second now. There was a random couple tonguing about three feet away from us, and the music was blaring throughout the house. This was the last place Ryan and I needed to be.
Avery came around the corner, and when he turned to face Ryan, I saw the broken pieces that formed both of the lost souls. Avery’s bottom lip shook before he turned and walked away. Ryan turned toward me, his eyes watering over, his legs trembling.
“I told him I wasn’t ready for that, to come out. But he wanted to tell his parents anyway. The results were a lot of tears, hugs, and understanding. I fucking hate understanding, hugging, tearful families. Bring on the dysfunctional freaks.” He smiled, but I saw behind it and listened to the pain in his next words.
“He got kicked out of Bible study because a few people in the church found out. His parents found a new church. Then I broke up with him. Because it scared me—loving him—and I didn’t want to lose my mom. I love him so much that every breath I take reminds me of him. So sometimes I hold my breath. I try to make it stop. I try to make myself not be this way.” His sobs grew heavier. His sorrow only deepened. “I want this shit to stop.”
“Ryan…” I cried, feeling completely helpless. Taking the alcohol and shot glass away from him, I handed it to a random person walking by. They took it without question.
Ryan sat up a bit and turned his head toward me. His fingers ran through my hair and his blue eyes keep crying. He moved in closer to me, pressing his lips against mine, wrapping his arms around me. I didn’t pull back. Our lips were covered with our salty tears.
“Make it go away, Ashlyn. Fix me,” he whispered, kissing me again and again.
“I can’t fix you, Ryan.” I said. “You’re not broken.”
Ryan cried for a while longer, shaking uncontrollably. I cried, too, because crying alone always felt so depressingly sad.
“We’re going home,” I whispered into my tired friend’s ear.
Ryan chuckled. “What home?! I live in a car!”
I frowned and kissed his forward. He nodded against me and drunkenly stood up. “You stay here. I’m going to get our coats.”
I moved toward Jake’s bedroom and opened the door to find more people making out. Surprise, surprise. I started digging through all the coats piled up on the bed, and when I turned to leave with our coats, I bumped right into Jake. His eyes were bloodshot, his hair was a mess, and I was certain that there were more wet spots on his shirt than dry spots from his spilled beer. But somehow, he still looked friendly as ever.
“Hey! I haven’t seen you all night! I thought you skipped out on yet another awesome Jake Kenn party.” He gave me a sweet smile and nudged me in the arm.
I tried my best to look happy. “Yeah. It’s been great! But I gotta get Ryan home…” What home? “Thanks for having us.”
“There’s nothing I can do to get you to like me, huh?” Jake blurted out. Terrible timing. He must have seen the look of shock in my eyes. “Sorry. I’m drunk and stoned off of my ass, so I’m a bit forward.”
“Jake, you’re a great friend—” I started, but he laughed.
“But…”
My shoulders rose and fell. “But I kind of loaned my heart out to someone. And he hasn’t really returned it yet.”
He sighed heavily and tossed his hands up in the air. “You can’t help a guy for trying.”
I giggled and kissed him on the cheek. “Goodnight, Jake.”
“He’s not going to give it back, you know. Your heart.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Because when a guy gets a heart like yours, he keeps that shit forever.”
Forever.
What a terrifying word.
I walked out of the bedroom to see someone I’d wished to never see again. “Jace,” I whispered to myself, seeing Daniel’s brother standing with a group of kids, holding out a bag of pills. For every pill he handed out, he took one for himself.
My head grew dizzy. My face was hot.
His head rose in my direction, and our eyes locked. My heart tightened and I turned away, hurrying toward Ryan. I tossed his arms into his coat in a rush. “Time to go. Now.”
I might have been crazy, but I didn’t care. Ryan needed a place to stay. We sat in the car outside Daniel’s house. He hadn’t come home yet, but I figured he should have been pulling up soon. His show should’ve ended a while ago.
Ryan lay back in the passenger’s seat. “So, you and Mr. Daniels are…”
“Were.” I sighed.
“And the hickey was from…”
“Him.” I sighed again.
“And he broke up with…”
“Me.”
This time Ryan sighed. “What a fucking crazy asshole. Has he seen your boobs?!”
I smirked at his comment.
Daniel’s Jeep pulled up to the house and his headlights shone on the car. I hopped out to make sure he saw that it was me. His car came to a quick stop and he jumped out, rushing to my side.
“Ashlyn, what…what’s wrong? Are you okay?” He saw my puffy eyes and his fingers touched them. I shivered from his touch. He wrapped his arms around me as if we’d never broken up in the first place. “Are you hurt?”
I shook my head. “I…I need your help.” Ryan climbed out of the passenger’s seat of the car and I felt Daniel’s fear through his hold against me. He swayed in a sudden grip of anger.
“Ashlyn, what did you do?” His voice was low, panic-filled.
Ryan held his hands up in a surrendering stance. “Don’t worry, Mr. D. I mean no harm.” He then began to chuckle. “Holy shit, you’re sleeping with our teacher!”
“Ryan!” I hissed, giving him a stern look. He just kept laughing. I turned to Daniel. “He’s drunk.”
“Yeah, you don’t say? Jesus Christ! Are you trying to get us caught?”
“Oh whatever, Daniel. I told one person! You didn’t have a problem telling Randy! So call it even.”
“What are you talking about? How did you know I told Randy?” He narrowed his eyes on me. Those beautiful blue eyes. No. Wait. Don’t look into his eyes. I hated him still.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s not like we’re an us anymore anyway.” I paused. “Can Ryan stay here?”
“What?” he asked, confused at my sudden comment.
I had to admit that I almost smiled at his confusion until I remembered why Ryan needed a place to stay. I filled Daniel in on the situation and watched as his puzzlement slowly transformed to utter disbelief.
“What is he going to do?” he whispered, looking toward Ryan, who was now standing on his porch. I shrugged. “This isn’t fair, Ash…” He blinked his eyes, and when his blues looked into my greens, I wanted to cry. “Because you know I’ll do anything for you.”
“Except love me,” I giggled nervously. He opened his mouth to object, but I didn’t give him a chance. “Look, you can say no, okay? I know you can lose your job if you do this.”
“I think I’ll lose even more if I don’t.” Daniel headed for the porch and unlocked his front door. “Ryan, there’s a spare room down the hallway to the left. Go to bed.”
Ryan
smiled and slugged Daniel in the arm. “I always liked you, Mr. D. No homo…” He paused and laughed at himself. He held his thumb and pointer finger very close to one another. “Well, maybe a little homo.”
With that, Ryan stumbled into the house. Daniel nodded toward the front door. “Come on. It’s freezing out.”
I didn’t move.
Daniel looked back to me, a perplexed look on his face. I looked up to the snow falling down over us. I took one small step in his direction. “This doesn’t mean I don’t hate you still, because I do. I hate you.”
“I know.”
Another small step. “But I like you a little for taking him in tonight.”
By ‘hate’ I’d meant love. And by ‘a little’ I’d meant a lot.
Find a way to be better.
Or find a way to be okay.
Whatever you choose, I’ll stay out of your way.
~ Romeo’s Quest
Walking into the house, I couldn’t help but smile when Daniel and I checked on Ryan. “He went right instead of left,” Daniel whispered, staring at Ryan sleeping in his bedroom. “You can take the guest room.”
“I’ll sleep on the couch,” I offered.
Of course he refused. He went to get me a few extra blankets and pillows. I sank into the side of the bed for a moment. My whole body was sore, exhausted. I reached for my cell phone and texted Henry. He had already sent me quite a few messages, but this was the first time I really had a chance to reply.
Me: We’re safe. We’re sheltered. We’re okay.
Henry: Thank God. I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight, Ash.
Me: Night.
A few minutes later, I looked up to see Daniel reentering the bedroom. He placed the pillows and blankets on the dresser.
“Follow me real fast,” he said, his eyes glowing like blue coals. “I have something for you.”
Loving Mr. Daniels Page 19