by Gina Azzi
Gone is the pity party from the night before. I’m over the strange vibe I picked up from Dennis. I’m done over-analyzing what Finn’s look meant before I left the pub. I’m through with lambasting myself for my stupid decisions, like telling Finn I’m falling in love with him.
Today, I’m starting fresh.
I curl my hair and dress nicely in a pleated camel skirt and white button-down shirt paired with nude heels. I take time with my makeup and add an extra spritz of perfume, even dancing through it. When I grab my Neverfull, I peek inside and resolve settles in my chest when I catch sight of the planner tucked inside.
I’m ready to get to work.
I’m ready to focus on the McKinnon pitch.
I’m ready to keep living fearlessly.
I lose myself in my work. Like, lose myself. And it feels really freaking good to be making strides on my project pitch and focusing on something that is going to catapult me to the next level in my career. Showing up early, I plug in my headphones and set straight to work, only looking up when Cameron drops off a mid-morning coffee. I pack my lunch and eat it at my desk to log more hours. I avoid Finn completely, which is easier to do given my newfound commitment to the McKinnon project.
By the time Thursday rolls around, I’ve nearly finished my pitch. My overall concept and marketing strategy are finalized. My color palette is hammered out, I have a working tagline, and my mock-ups are complete. I’ve outlined my final proposal and the trailer I’ve been developing since the start is done. All in all, I’m ready for my final presentation with time to spare.
I’m pretty excited about the pitch. While my method doesn’t follow the traditional expectations, I’m pumped about pushing the envelope. It will either be my greatest or worst decision, but it feels right. Blending aspects of UK sports with American sports, I aim to paint McKinnon as more than a sportswear line, focusing on lifestyle. The trailer ad highlights the fanaticism of rugby while also incorporating US football, the internationality of rowing clubs, and little girls taking ballet class. It’s for everyone, in every part of the world, for all of their athletic and lifestyle needs. The colors are bold, the fonts striking, and the message clear: choose McKinnon to support the healthy lifestyle you want for yourself and your family.
Saving everything to a jump drive in addition to the cloud, like the crazy person I am, I leave the jump drive and my notes next to my desk as I pop into the kitchen nook to prepare myself another coffee. These days, caffeine is my best friend.
When I return to my cubicle, a steaming mug in hand, I frown at Dennis’s frame hovering over my desk. “Can I help you with something?”
He flinches, standing up and dropping my jump drive next to my keyboard where I originally left it. My eyes narrow but when I look up, he regards me with his usual expression.
“I wanted to see what you’re up to this weekend.” He pulls out my desk chair for me.
I slide into it and place my mug next to my laptop. “This weekend?” I stall, scared he’s going to ask me out on a date. I really don’t want to make things awkward with another colleague. I mean, really, I’ve been at Anderson for less than two months; this is not a good precedent.
“Yeah. I heard of this Scottish restaurant I’ve been wanting to check out. It’s quite traditional and does the full-on Scottish music on Sundays. I thought we could all go. I mean, I’m sure Melanie, Cameron, and Chloe won’t be impressed or anything, but it could be fun.”
“Oh, cool.” I say slowly. “So, the whole group is going?”
Dennis nods.
“Okay, that sounds like fun.” Touristy activities are always good distractions.
“Great. I’ll text you the details. We’re going to meet there on Sunday, around 6PM.”
“Sounds good. Thanks Dennis.”
“My pleasure, Daisy.”
Once Dennis retreats to his cubicle, I sip my coffee and decide to run through my presentation one more time today. As I plug in my jump drive, Aaron strides past the cubicles. I stand quickly, my arm raised to flag him down since I really need him to look at my final presentation and offer feedback before next week. His face is red, his shoulders stiff, his jaw shadowed with several days of stubble. He looks exhausted and angry and determined. And desperate. It’s the desperation that stops me from calling out. Whatever is going on, this isn’t the time to interrupt with my project. Instead, I get back to work.
27
Finn
She’s going to be the fucking death of me.
I swear it.
Hand over my heart and all that.
Daisy Kane waltzes into work this morning like she owns the place. Like she’s ready to change the world. And while I don’t deny it, I wish I knew the reason for her sudden swell in energy. Because while she looks completely unaffected, I’m bloody miserable. Wallowing. Borderline depressed.
The sway of her hips hypnotizes every man she passes, from the VPs down to the interns. I watch it play out from behind my desk, glaring at her through the glass windows. Not that she notices; nope, she doesn’t even bother to look in my direction.
So, I’m tortured. Nearly to death. By her swaying hips, her soft blond curls, the sheer tights that encase her long legs until my eyes fasten on sky-high, nude pumps. This week, she’s dressed in pleated skirts and Oxford shirts nearly every day. Like some type of school girl. A sexy one. One that taunts me.
I groan, raking a hand down my face, the sharp stubble I didn’t shave this morning cutting into my palm. She’s consuming my thoughts.
Talk to her.
I shake my head.
And say what?
I frown.
“You alright, mate?” Aaron asks, walking straight into my office, his mouth set in a grim line, the top buttons of his shirt undone.
I look up sharply, frowning because he looks like utter shit. “Aye. Are you?”
My brother sighs heavily as he drops into the chair across from me, literally collapsing so the chair catches all of his weight. “Been better.”
“What’s going on?”
“It’s official. Kate’s fighting me on custody.”
A new swell of anger burns through my chest at his words. Aaron is an incredible father and at the very least, he deserves shared custody of Olivia. “That’s low. Even for her.”
“I don’t know what the hell she’s thinking. I swear, it’s like I don’t even know her. The woman I wanted to spend my life with, the mother of my daughter,” he pauses, his eyes shiny with emotion, “did I ever even know the real her?”
“Shit,” I whisper under my breath, my gut sinking at the waver in his voice. “Aaron, you’re going to get through this.”
“Am I?” He looks at me directly, his blue eyes dimmed to grey, his expression pained. Suddenly, he looks decades older than his thirty-eight years. “Even if she takes my daughter away? Even if she moves with Olivia to Paris? Will I ever be okay again?”
I tap my closed fist down on my desk, my knee jerking at the questions Aaron poses. “No,” I admit, my voice hoarse. “Not like before. I don’t know how you recover from betrayal, heartbreak like this. But yes, it will get easier. And you’ll eventually be some type of okay.”
“Guess so.”
“If you could go back and change it, not have ever met Kate or married her, would you?” I blurt the question, curiosity burning behind my words.
My brother is silent for a long moment, his eyes unfocused as he considers my question. “I wouldn’t change a damn thing.” He chuckles to himself. “How about that? Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I won’t be at today’s meeting to sign the contract with the DeWitt Family. I’m meeting my lawyer instead.”
“Don’t worry about it. Focus on you and Livvy.”
“Thanks. I’ll see you later.” He stands, looking around my office in a daze, as if he can’t understand how he got here, in this room and to this point in his life. Then he’s gone and when I look up, Daisy’s intent concentration on her laptop twi
sts my stomach further.
If I could go back and change things, with Cassie, with Daisy, with all of it, would I?
No. I wouldn’t change a goddamn thing.
I walk into the meeting with the DeWitt family prepared, the contracts already printed and marked where Eric DeWitt, the owner and ruling patriarch, needs to sign.
I’m early to the conference room, wanting to allow myself a few moments to prepare. The room is nearly empty except for a young woman looking out the window, her back to me when I enter.
“Sorry to interrupt, but there’s about to be a meeting in here,” I say, keeping the door ajar behind me.
She turns from the window slowly. At least, I think she does. Maybe I just see it all happen in slow motion. Time and space and movement simultaneously expanding and colliding. The slender curve of her neck, her high cheekbones and straight nose. I remember them well but as she turns, I note the changes. The wild, uninhibited brightness in her eyes has dimmed, maturing from reckless to measured. “Hello Finn.” She smiles, her teeth straight and white, her expression placid.
“Cassie.” Surprise colors my tone as it’s clearly her and yet…she seems so different. Changed.
“It’s been a long time.” She adds, as if reading my mind.
I nod.
“How’ve you been?” Her brow furrows as if she really cares, as if she’s concerned.
“Good. Great.” I reply automatically, my voice stoic. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I rock back on my heels, trying to make sense of this scenario. Trying to understand why she’s here. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m here for the signing with Eric Dewitt.”
“Oh? Are you working for him now?”
She smiles softly, turning to look out at the grey sky for a long moment. “No. I thought you would have heard.” She faces me again, and holds up her left hand, where a rock the size of Gibraltar shines from just below the knuckle of her ring finger. “Tom and I are engaged.”
“Oh, I hadn’t heard. Congratulations.” An unexpected pang of relief, of closure, rattles me as I realize I mean it. Deep down, I want her to move on from what happened between us.
Then why don’t you want that for yourself?
I brush the thought aside and focus my attention back on Cassie, on this conversation, as surprising as it is. She’s marrying Tom DeWitt, heir to the DeWitt empire.
“Thanks.” She gazes down at her ring, the corners of her mouth turning up appreciatively as it sparkles in the natural light. “We’re really happy.”
“All the best to you both.”
“Since I’m joining the DeWitt family, Tom thought it best that I become more involved with the business side of things. I won’t be working on this account, obviously, given our history. But I did want to come today to let you know in person that our families will be working together. And to see you Finn, see how you’re doing.”
“After all these years?” I prompt.
“I know it’s been ages, but things are different now. Since I met Tom, I’ve been able to move forward.” She tilts her head. “We’re talking about the future and babies and … having a family. I’m excited and hopeful now and I realized that this is how you felt back then. Isn’t it?”
I nod, a ball of emotion swelling in my throat, unraveling feelings I locked away years ago. Speech is impossible as I fumble to gain control of the conversation. Her words conjure too many recollections, too many memories infused with pain. I don’t want to remember. Not now, not in front of Cassie.
“I’m sorry, Finn. I don’t think I’ve ever said that to you.” Her voice is soft but her words are strong. She regards me sympathetically, her expression surprisingly genuine.
“Me too.” I clear my throat, the apology sticking to the sides of my mouth, leaving a film on my tongue even though it needs to be said.
“You don’t owe me an apology. What I put you through, it was wrong. A drunken night out with the girls never should have ended in me cheating on you. Things between us were just so intense, so overwhelming. Hot and cold. When we were good we were so good and when we weren’t, it all fell apart.” She pauses, her eyes boring into mine to see if I’m following her rationale.
I stand frozen to the spot, waiting for her to continue.
“Anyway, I never intended to get pregnant. I wasn’t ready to be a mother. Back then,” she sighs, “I was too selfish to have put the baby first and I knew it. I was relieved when I miscarried and then I felt so bloody guilty for feeling that way. Lashing out at you was easier than admitting my own hand in all the mistakes I made. But you and I, we would have destroyed each other eventually. We were toxic together, Finn, but I never meant to hurt you.”
I’m quiet, my mind rolling back through the years, sifting through the memories I have of Cassie and me. For so long, I’ve only remembered the aftermath, the striving to make it work, the desperation to not fail. But now, right now, I remember the instability from earlier. My jealousy over her phone calls from other guys, even her friends. The way she would change the password on my phone and social media accounts to lock me out. The inconsistency and instability we always seemed to be riding on. Passionate late nights that turned into crazy, hysterical mornings. “We were young.”
Her expression softens. “We were. But I shouldn’t have lied to you, Finn. I shouldn’t have let you think the baby was yours. I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you from the beginning. And then when I was, you still stayed. Tried to help me through the loss when I think you took it harder than me.” Moisture collects in her eyes and she turns back to the window, composing herself. “You’re a good man, Finn. I never told you that either.”
I cough into my fist, knocked off balance by her words, from her presence. She’s dislodging too much of my past, drudging up thoughts and beliefs I buried a long time ago. They all rise inside of me, soothing past hurts and alleviating old guilt. “Thank you.” I whisper. “I’m sorry too. For how things ended between us. Hell, for how things started.”
She raises her chin, her eyes thoughtful, her expression earnest. For a brief moment, she looks like the twenty-two-year-old girl I remember. Then I blink, and the mature, wiser woman is back. “I hope you find whatever you’re looking for, Finn. When you meet the right person, it really is the greatest feeling in the world, the best thing you’ll ever do. It’d be a shame for someone like you to waste away behind briefings and a laptop when you could be, and have, so much more.”
I swallow back the torrent of feelings that burst forth at her words, as if she’s somehow unleashed over five years of emotional suppression. Immediately, Daisy’s image floats into my mind. She’s the right person for me.
I know it for a fact.
And yet, I deliberately hurt her because I wanted to protect myself. Instead, I broke her heart and devastated mine.
In so many ways, I treated Daisy—the woman I’ve fallen for—the way Cassie treated me. Like she wasn’t worthy of knowing all the pieces of me, like she couldn’t understand the experiences I wasn’t willing to share. The realization burns me from the inside out. I hate myself for causing Daisy a pain that I know first-hand. A pain that nearly destroyed me.
Standing across from Cassie, a woman I blamed for so many things for so long, I realize that my inability to trust wasn’t her fault at all. It was mine. Guilt slams into me like an anvil, striking me on the head and knocking sense into me. My own hang ups, insecurities, and inability to be honest with women, with Daisy, is why I’m alone. Disappointment settles in the pit of my stomach, followed closely by shame.
“Thank you.” I say, acknowledging that I heard her words.
“Oh good, you’re here already.” Eric DeWitt walks into the conference room, causing me to shuffle back several steps. “I’m sure we need to discuss a few things before we sign.” His eyes dart between Cassie and me. “Are you all wrapped up here, Cass?”
She nods, picking up her purse from a chair she placed it on. “Take care, Finn,” she says
to me, striding toward the door.
“You too,” I manage to respond. “Congratulations again.”
She smiles then, her face transforming into one of pure happiness. Then she passes me and is gone, and all the anger and bitterness and confusion I’ve harbored toward her for so many years disappears with her. In its place, I’m left with regret and anguish for my own behavior, for my own short-sightedness.
“Everything alright?” Eric asks, standing behind a chair at the conference table.
“Yes, we’re all set to move forward on this deal.” I gesture for him to take a seat and walk to the other side of the table, handing him a file. “We can go over the paperwork and hammer out any last-minute changes or additions.”
“Okay,” the older man agrees.
Pulling out a pen, I throw myself into my one constant: work.
By the time the ink dries on the papers, I’m back in my office. Tugging at my tie and rolling the sleeves of my shirt up on my forearms, I stalk back and forth running the last forty-five minutes through my mind on repeat.
Cassie Himlock is joining the DeWitt Empire. She’s moved on in her life, grown up, discovered a love that nurtured her, allowed her to grow. Meanwhile, I’ve wasted years of my own life, pushing women away, stunting relationships, keeping everyone that I encountered at arm’s length for fear of their growing too close. For fear of their disappointing and devastating me. For fear of their leaving.
But after talking to Cassie, it’s clear that I did miss out. I missed out on a really important aspect of life. Even now, with everything going on between Aaron and Kate, my brother wouldn’t alter his past. He wouldn’t give up the good years they shared together, even though he’s now wallowing in grief for what they lost.
Have I really been blind for so long? Have I sacrificed nearly five years of my life, my twenties, to avoid getting hurt? For what, I’m still devastated and wallowing in pain over losing Daisy.